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Discussion Starter #1
Yeah, I was here a while back asking about your tastes and preferences because I was interested in an ENFP girl. Well things happened and now, it's pretty much back to normal, or so it seems. I asked the INTPs and now I wanted to know what you guys think.

It will make no sense in copy-pasting EVERYTHING here so here is the link to the INTP forum: http://personalitycafe.com/intp-for...ecause-introvert-vs-extrovert-good-thing.html

Here is the OP:

I have been away lately trying to focus on studying and my girlfriend (who is just a close friend, now.) I missed this place quite a bit.

We decided to end things when we realized how different we were in society as a whole. When we were alone, it was like 'magic' but around friends and/or strangers, it was pretty meh. We used to think, "Oh, if we love each other, who cares about everything else?" but it isn't so.

She wanted me meet her friends and talk to the people she spoke to in class. She loved talking to everyone and make everyone feel comfortable. You know? A real ENFP. It wasn't as though I didn't like talking to them or was shy but I was just not interested. Meeting and talking to strangers just isn't my thing. When I talk to people without being interested, its pretty much written all over my face.

Even though I knew her for only three months and were together for just over a month, it was the most intense relation I have been in. We didn't even get physical. It was above emotions and intellect. I don't think I'd find anyone like her. It was such a burnout.

We decided to get to know each other for another year or two and make some more mutual friends or something similar where both of our ideas about what we'd want from a relationship starts converging.

Also, these quotes from a different forum regarding INTP/ENFP relationships.

Yeah if you arent careful, they will use their mind ray to switch your T to an F, and being in unknown territory, you will do a lot of really irrational things!
Honestly, I would like to know if it's the same way for the ENFP. I think it's common for INTP's to get that way, because the ENFP's are just kinda able to eff with us that way where most other people don't. it really is like they are staring into your soul. But I haven't figured out if they feel equally as freaked out because we kind of stare back into their's? Any ENFP's have an answer on that one?
ENFPs and INTPs

Do you think I did the right thing by ending stuff and being 'best friends' instead?
And here, are the two replies about what I had to say.
The both of us started thinking about it after this particular incident after a class. She wanted to introduce me to all her friends but I told her I rather read a book. It made her feel extremely guilty for not talking to me after class but I didn't even complain. It doesn't bother me all that much but she feels as though it made me sad. Although, I don't know if I'll be all that uncaring about her wanting to be social with everyone at every moment in the long-term.
Honestly, I suck with small talk and I'd be just staring at them giving them monotone answers. Also she told me about how in the future, she'd want all our friend circles to be merged where everyone knows everyone. It made me think about my rather small friend circle and how I couldn't put up with being around a lot of people for the most time.

It's no one's fault and it's all about where you draw your energy from. Her idea of growing as a couple would be spending time with close friends and doing things together, being comfortable with people who mean a lot to her, and having them around most of the time save for a few 'wanted' intimate moments.
I, on the other hand, visualize growing as a couple to being able to spend more quality alone time with each other. Obviously, I'd want to go out and socialize sometimes but our priorities were completely different.

I know this is a huge, huge post and I don't expect a lot of feedback but yeah, I'd appreciate it! Posting this just makes me feel like I did my part of asking for a different perspective: I like seeing things from others' viewpoints.

Thank you!
 

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Thanks for the awesome post! Read through the whole thing, and it really resonated with me

I was in a relationship with an INTJ for two and a half years. It was really amazing -- we clicked instantly and complimented each other so well. When we were alone, things were absolutely magical and sparkles and even if we were talking about random things, he would just make me glow! That's the word -- we glowed when we were together.

We didn't see each other often, and eventually we broke it off. :/ He has a new girlfriend now, and she's another INTJ (beautiful, intelligent, EVERYTHING, oh, I love her too) and I have a new love interest as well.

It's awkward sometimes, but we still keep in touch. We talk nearly everyday about this and that, and he is always glad to give me advice or make me panic just to see my reactions. It's painful when some memories resurface, but I will never regret the time I had together with him.

Your relationship with your ENFP sounds amazing too. Considering you and her are different but clicked very easily, I'm happy to hear you two are still close friends and still talk. Sometimes the relationship is right, but it's at a wrong time. You should stay close to her, you know? Maybe something will happen in the future... you never know! Plus, your exes know you best. ;)

Seeing your post also helped explain why me and my ex-INTJ boyfriend would sometimes just sulk at each other in mass confusion -- we never fully understood each other. It helped me open my eyes a little bit and find some closure. Thank you once again for your post! :D
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Thanks for the awesome post! Read through the whole thing, and it really resonated with me

I was in a relationship with an INTJ for two and a half years. It was really amazing -- we clicked instantly and complimented each other so well. When we were alone, things were absolutely magical and sparkles and even if we were talking about random things, he would just make me glow! That's the word -- we glowed when we were together.

We didn't see each other often, and eventually we broke it off. :/ He has a new girlfriend now, and she's another INTJ (beautiful, intelligent, EVERYTHING, oh, I love her too) and I have a new love interest as well.

It's awkward sometimes, but we still keep in touch. We talk nearly everyday about this and that, and he is always glad to give me advice or make me panic just to see my reactions. It's painful when some memories resurface, but I will never regret the time I had together with him.

Your relationship with your ENFP sounds amazing too. Considering you and her are different but clicked very easily, I'm happy to hear you two are still close friends and still talk. Sometimes the relationship is right, but it's at a wrong time. You should stay close to her, you know? Maybe something will happen in the future... you never know! Plus, your exes know you best. ;)

Seeing your post also helped explain why me and my ex-INTJ boyfriend would sometimes just sulk at each other in mass confusion -- we never fully understood each other. It helped me open my eyes a little bit and find some closure. Thank you once again for your post! :D
Hahah, thanks fellow Miyazaki fan.

Yeah, we still talk a lot and can't get through the day without having spoken at least a couple of times. I hate the idea of a mobile phone (cell phone?) where you're constantly in touch with everyone and I even tend to ignore calls and texts but, man, I'd stare at the phone to see if she'd call or something. We still like each other quite a lot and we even flirt quite a bit. Here and there. Okay, let's not call it flirting, those are genuine feelings but we decided to 'friend-zone' each other. Inside joke.
 

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Man, Ishan you bring up a point I'm still wrestling with: the friends zone. Does it exist? Is it spread across all personality types, or just certain ones? Is there a male/female difference?

In my experience (just MY experience!), there does seem to be a friend zone with many women and it's not dependent on personality type. An ESFP seems as likely to have a friends zone as an ENFP. I haven't seen this with the men. Personally, I've not been attracted to female friends for years and then see something new or they change and I become attracted. Likewise, a close ENFP guy friend of mine became attracted to an ESFJ girl he was friends with for 15 years, just two years ago (she always had a thing for him) and now they're still dating and very happy.

I don't really have a point, except that it does seem becoming close friends with a girl, no matter the type, lessens your chances of a relationship, from what I've seen.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I don't really have a point, except that it does seem becoming close friends with a girl, no matter the type, lessens your chances of a relationship, from what I've seen.
Ah, fuck. I don't know if I should go "Well, at least I'll get to be her friend and spend time with her and talk to her." or "OH FUUUUU."
 

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Here is the OP:
...It wasn't as though I didn't like talking to them or was shy but I was just not interested. Meeting and talking to strangers just isn't my thing...
The whole I vs E thing can be a source of tension in a relationship. I've mentioned this article elsewhere, but it is written by an introvert trying to explain to us extroverts what they're thinking. An amusing and educational read for both types: Taking Care of your Introvert. One of my good guy friends I'm pretty sure is an INTP and I almost exclusively hang out with him at his apartment as he generally never leaves unless he has to go somewhere. Its convient for me because he's almost always available to hang out and he can update me on what is cool and new in video games, movies, TV-land, anime, books, etc... So an I & E can be great friends when they accept the fact that they won't be spending 100% of their time either home or out... Romance is more difficult though, eh?

She wanted to introduce me to all her friends but I told her I rather read a book. It made her feel extremely guilty for not talking to me after class but I didn't even complain. It doesn't bother me all that much but she feels as though it made me sad. Although, I don't know if I'll be all that uncaring about her wanting to be social with everyone at every moment in the long-term.
That sounds familiar, as I as an ENFP am constantly projecting my own feelings and anxieties onto my ISTJ wife (with very mixed results - hah). I always feel guilty about hanging out with my friends without her because she doesn't explicitly tell me "go have fun" - usually she doesn't say much of anything so I just *assume* that she is mad at me when really she is fine just reading a book and e-mailing her friends while I'm gone... Dunno, but it is frustrating for both of us...

If you're a programming geek, my theory is that I am a query-response person. I constantly ask her "are you okay" if she doesn't let me know otherwise, which bugs the heck out of her... And if she doesn't update me with her current status it bugs the heck out of me as I'm constantly guessing if she is happy or mad or tired or bored or nothing and I *need* to know if my guess is correct!!! FEEDBACK!

Her model is a "event driven" system where she doesn't say anything unless there is a state change at which point she will mention it once and thats it unless there is a new state change. So if I miss it then I'm hosed, or usually I'll hear it but need to hear it again 10 seconds later to know its still the same situation and boom we're back to square one... hah...

Okay, enough of my rambling... Point is if you both are okay compromising how you spend your time and let the other know explicitly that you are happy that they can go do what they want to do without you (no guilt trips!) it could work out okay... LTRs take work no matter what...
 

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...me and my ex-INTJ boyfriend would sometimes just sulk at each other in mass confusion -- we never fully understood each other.
Great imagery. You make sulking such an active verb. This is me and my ISTJ. Even though we understand we have differences, we still don't understand them. haha...
 
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Great imagery. You make sulking such an active verb. This is me and my ISTJ. Even though we understand we have differences, we still don't understand them. haha...
I could never quite get how they could last a few days without any type of affection at all. ;_;"
Reminds me of an analogy we came up with:

I'm a flower (ENFP). I need constant care, attention, and lots of love to become healthy and happy. If I don't, I wither and become a sad, dry person...

He's a cactus (INTJ). On the other end of the spectrum, he needed very little care and affection to be pleased or happy. He could go for long stretches of time without affection, but when it did come, he would bloom quite beautifully.

Weird, huh? I never quite understood how they could stand it.
 

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I could never quite get how they could last a few days without any type of affection at all...
Spot on! I love analogies and find them most useful to best explain what I'm thinking. Yours is great! I'll tell my wife she is a cactus tomorrow and see what she thinks! haha...

I've tried (am trying) to learn how to feed and water myself, but I don't think I'll ever be able to go as long as they can between showers of affection... Which is why I like PerC's ENFP forum where I don't feel so bad about it...
 
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I remember the thread you made a while ago. It's interesting to think how much can happen in such a short time. :)

Just remember, sometime in the future she'll become more comfortable with her own introverted side, hopefully, and maybe then she'll be more comfortable with the INTP life style, and then maybe things can work out.
 

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I remember the thread you made a while ago. It's interesting to think how much can happen in such a short time. :)

Just remember, sometime in the future she'll become more comfortable with her own introverted side, hopefully, and maybe then she'll be more comfortable with the INTP life style, and then maybe things can work out.
Haha, yeah. She is comfortable with me, actually. It's just how we are in society. What her friends might think (I know, this sounds way more shallow than it really is.) because they are all the extrovert kind. Ah, let's see. I think it was way more intense than it was supposed to be, but I liked it nonetheless.
 
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