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This is more about relationships with friends than romantic partners but could include them too. So I have been wishing for a good female friend since I've been in the military and haven't been able to find one whom I could be myself around. Well, 3.5 years later I have one who is there for me and is just awesome. I always help her with her quiet bf and she helps me come out of my shell and express my feelings instead of bottling them up. I've determined that she's probably enfj.

Anyway, the problem is that the first few weeks we got to know each other I was so excited to hang out and be girly like best friends in chick flicks, but lately I just have the desire to ignore her and not leave my room or tell her what I'm thinking anymore. When I see her at work I talk a little but mostly act like I'm too busy. After work I tell her I'm too tired to hang out and then try to think of more excuses to not hang out later.She has no idea but I end up forcing myself to hang out or talk just because I know it's something that shows you want to continue your friendship. What's also weird is that though I think she's pretty, I feel uneasy around her and seeing her bothers me. It's as if I know she's my friend and I like her and want to see her happy and think she's adorable, but something in me is like repelled for some reason.

I don't think it's just her though. I think anyone who wants to spend time with me in close proximity ends up making me feel like this. I just start to feel bothered by people and suddenly everything about them makes me annoyed or nauseous.

I know I have social issues already but as far as people know I'm normal and fully functioning. But I feel horrible. I haven't seen my lifelong friend in a while and I tell myself I want to see her but really the thought of seeing her now makes me feel uncomfortable too.

I've thought about it being hormones that are upset because they'd rather me be making babies, or maybe I'm just tired and need a break or something. I have heard that people hide away because of fear but I'm not really fearful.Things were fine just a bit ago and now I'm reverting back to hermit status. But I really am not sure why I'm like this. I don't know if I'm asking for advice or just ranting because I dunno how to not feel so uncomfortable around the very people I actually want to be around. :/
 

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Nice to see you are also a human with human problems.

1. Sit first
2. Take a breath
3. No, take a deeper one
4. You seem like you are jealous of the ENFJ.
5. You seem to care about your personal space.
6. Keep breathing
7. What other friends do you have? Or had? How was the relationship with them?
8. One more breath and you are fine

See? Survived.
 

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Young lady, have you ever asked yourself what a relationship is and where that words relationship stems from?

Now how can we have a good and healthy relationship? I am not talking about the relationship with you and your friends only, I am talking about the whole of relationships. The relationship with you and your father, with you and your SO, with you and your job, with you and nature, with you and yourself. I don't know if you have gone into the last example.

Now...when we talk about relationships, then we must pay attention to the word relation. How do I relate to something or someone without conflict? It is the I that identifies himself with something that is not I. This means that we create the relationship in our own image. In order for us to have a healthy relationship - a relationship without conflict, then we must be at peace ourselves. If we have no image of the relationship, then this must mean that we do not have a relationship based on our personal tastes and likes, but a relationship that is based on what is true and what is objective.

When there is the I and the non-I (you as subject and it/him/her as object), then there is space and there is time. In that space we have all sorts of thought that prevents us from seeing the other for he or it is when we observe something. Time is thought and thought is subjective reasoning which is time. Now in order for us to overcome time and space, then we must look at everything with a fresh mind, a mind that is not been distorted by the past with all its experiences that do not exist anymore and doesn't look into the future we don't know. I am not talking about chronological time, but I am talking about psychological time: the past, the present and the future. Apparently time (thought) breeds fear because you have made tons of assumptions based on personal preferences that you created due to your past experiences which weren't real experiences to begin with. We will go into that later if you want.

So...why not try to figure out what is causing those social issues? I think that is the root of the problem. When there is fear, then there is destruction; physical destruct and psychological destruction. I think you standing on the split of the past and future with all your subjective thoughts is what preventing from being in the present. When we live in the past, we are sad, and when we live in the future, the we are anxious. So apparently truth can be found in the present.

So what is fear and what are those issues and how did those issues came into being? Those issues is what is preventing you to function in a relationship without violence or destruction. Invite your fear and observe it without judging and touching it. What is it you are afraid of right now?

This ^ is something you must never forget even if you have no idea what I am talking about.
 

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Are you sure you're not just overexposed? Even though she's a great friend, an introvert will need some friggin' alone time.
 

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missushoney, I can completely relate to this post. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who had to deal with this issue. I'm also an introvert (ISTJ) and I've been where you are. I do know that one of the reasons I feel this way (after some deep soul-searching) is the fear of engulfment and losing my sense of identity in the relationship. Or maybe, we're afraid of losing the friendship so we subconsciously start sabotaging it by finding faults in that person. But it's more on the subconscious level than the conscious. The relationship could be going great then all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, I begin to distance myself from the other person.

I understand where you're coming from.
 
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Hmm... Seems like a lot of things at once. Is one of them feeling like your friendships are a responsibility?
 

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@missushoney Maybe you should consider if you have aspergers? Just a thought

Otherwise since you have been isolated for so long (I am just infering this from what you have written?) you may just be out of practice socially. Maybe you just need some time to get used to being around people.

Just out of interest why is it so hard to make friends in the military?
 

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Discussion Starter #9
@missushoney Maybe you should consider if you have aspergers? Just a thought

Otherwise since you have been isolated for so long (I am just infering this from what you have written?) you may just be out of practice socially. Maybe you just need some time to get used to being around people.

Just out of interest why is it so hard to make friends in the military?
Making guy friends is easy but there aren't a lot of girls in my career field and when I do find them, they are too busy with their own lives or we get separated and stationed at different places. Maybe you're right about needing to get used to things. I'm so used to being around boys or around girls who don't want to have that deep of a friendship outside of work. I don't think I qualify when it comes to asbergers though. I'm able to be social outwardly very well and people think I'm a nice and comforting person. I'm going to look into some other reasons why I am weird like this though. Thanks for your input. =)
 

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It sounds like you are just in a hard enviroment to make friends. Maybe their should be a military women internet forum or something?
 

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l still can't type my last good female friend, l think she was a mellow ENTJ but l'm not sure why you think the ''girly'' friendships would be what you want, especially if you're exhausted so easily.

l mean, we played Trivial Pursuit and drank wine out of a box together, plus she was really really pretty. So girly enough l guess? :laughing:
Eh, maybe you have this expectation leftover from adolescence, l find a good balance of male and female friends of various types to be fine, but l usually end up with mostly ENFPs and INT types.
 
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I have some questions.

1. What does your friends' attractiveness have to do with anything?

2. "around the very people I actually want to be around." Why do you want to be around them? I mean given that when actually faced with them you feel annoyed/nauseous/uncomfortable, what is motivating this idea that you still want to be around them?

3. Why do wish for a good female friend specifically?

4. Social issues already?

5. "Things were fine just a bit ago but now I'm reverting back..." - so is this a pattern for you then, on then off? Presumably you will be on again at some point?

6. What are your interests/passions?

It's a bit hard to tell with what you've written what is driving you here... it seems like there could be some idea of how you think you should be as a friend (which has nothing to do with what you want or with self-knowledge and acceptance) . I'm a little confused about what it is you want from friendship. You seem to have a clear sense of what the friendship role is and whether or not you're playing your part well. That sense of effort is always going to make friendships a little taxing...

7. Have you ever tried to honestly broach the subject with someone you've noticed yourself start to feel this way about?

I sort of think that if you're going to end up leaving them anyway, you don't need to fear losing the relationship by addressing something difficult. I also think that if you're really true friends with someone, you should be able to speak honestly as you without fearing them hurling themself off the ship.

Sure there's a good chance they might feel hurt or insulted, but if you're friending smart, interesting people who can tolerate a bit of life's pain once in a while, they might also have some interesting perspectives or ideas to share in response.

Just a random observation... you seem equally hard on other people as you are on yourself.
 

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Can you rule out in these cases that you really aren't just kind of done with these friends? If it feels like a lot of work to continue a friendship and it doesn't feel like it's worth it, I don't think you have to feel badly about that. Maybe you've gotten what you could from the relationship and it isn't what you want long term. Friends drift apart.

Personally I really just don't make long term friends or at least friends I'm going to keep up with or check in with on any kind of regular basis, even though I can sometimes befriend people fruitfully for awhile. I don't exactly like it and it doesn't mean I don't feel loneliness or that I don't enjoy socializing, but I seem to be pretty well geared for solitude over all. Just is.
 
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