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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I wrote a whole bunch of stuff which was pointless.
So I'm editing it now.

Basically I've done a lot of research and I am to answer just sum up in a short and concise version of what I previously wrote.

1. What is my drive, what do I look for?

I look for intense experiences I can reflect on and analyze. I look for enlightenment, omniscience, I look for complete truth and as much learning, experience, and understanding as possible. I want to fulfill my vision and take action, though I cannot because I must conform in the external world in order to self - preserve and function. I do not have the motivation to carry out my vision as it is very complex and would require extensive planning, and I'm just nor sure if I'm competent or capable enough just yet.

2.

I hope to accomplish my vision and my preferred lifestyle, I hope to reach enlightenment and I hope to experience and understand all to the best of my ability.

3.

I hope to avoid being a fraud and I hope to avoid being impure in the sense that my motivations aren't pure. I hope I do not become a mediocre simpleton. I hope to avoid becoming consumed by the external world, resentment, hatred, guilt, etc. I hope not to fall prey to my environment

4.

My biggest fear is that I will be consumed with irrationality and futile motivations. My biggest fear is being known, exposed, manipulated, degraded, helpless, and incapable of self-empowerment.

5.

I want others to see me for who I am, and not what they think I am, or what they want me to be. However, this is a futile wish. I do not pay attention to how I want people to think of me, I just don't want to be misjudged and misunderstood, but it's not my fault if somebody else is prejudice.

I see myself as average. I see myself on the fence of achieving my desires, and destroying myself. I see myself as a paradox and I see that I consistently repress my sense of self and who I am. I see myself as a person playing all sorts of parts. I see basic traits and motivations and nothing else. Everything else is incidental. I have no real sense of self or identity. If I do, it's repressed.

6.

What makes me feel my best is either "tuning in" or "tuning out" or "watching myself"
What made me feel the best ever was being able to taste what it was like to be myself for the first time. It was sadly, restrained, as I am repressed.

I can't say I've ever felt the "worst" I tend to find joy in intense misery, as I have little feeling in all honesty, getting myself to feel shallow yet intense and seemingly real emotions is kind of the secondary point of my existence.

7.

anger) I've been angry a lot of my life, trying to maintain a sense of self that was constantly crushed and allowing external forces to manipulate and influence me to such a severe point made me angry at myself and others. I never really got to express it. Only in short outbursts that nobody paid attention to. This causes a withdraw into dealing with it in isolation, and I've worked through a lot of it

shame) shame used to influence me a great deal, still does. I want to maintain my sense of purity and when others impose shame on me I get angry, and when I feel shame in myself for not achieving what I want to achieve, I typically remind myself that shame is an invalid feeling. Shame is kind of stupid, but it is very understandable.

anxiety) I get quite anxious and self conscious quite a lot, very unsure of myself, but I have lots of conviction in some moments, typically fueled by anger and passion/strength. Anxiety is what I get when I feel threatened, and need to make sure I'm safe in all ways, psychologically, physically, etc. I need to be careful in foreign situations, or in the outer world.


8.

stress causes a withdrawal, I try straight up do not deal with my stressor, I choose to directly avoid it, and to do what I want instead, typically I try to handle it head on but if the best solution (which is also the preferred) is to just do what I do on my own in isolation, that's what I'll do, and hope that I do not get confronted, and hope that I will not be endangered by it.

I deal with unexpected change well, I'm adaptable and capable, even if it's a bad change. I may be a little offput later on once I realize the implications and changes in my life, but overall I'm pretty much able to deal with change as long as it's not something that interferes with me, which not much does. If it did, I would change the change to suit me.

conflict is something I dislike, but I'll deal with it head on. However if that doesn't work, I will isolate, if that doesn't work I will just go berserk until I get some fucking privacy and people just leave me alone.

Authority is something I despise, power I can appreciate though, because power can be rivaled and it's all a sort of game, It's about being assertive and taking what you want, and if someone can stop you, good for them. If you can stop someone to get what you want, good for you. But when people take power too seriously and start trying to take people down on a personal level for a sense of power, that's something I disagree with. I like power, but I don't look to become an authority and nobody else should either.

RElationship with trust, I don't trust anything that I can't verify in myself. I can verify that things exist, but what they really are, who know? I don't trust people, and I don't always trust myself, and I don't trust anything really. However, in order to adapt and function I can assess things on a regular basis as a precaution to my safety.

I like myself quite a bit, I don't like that I can't take the action I want, tthat I'm not "good" enough for myself, but I'm trying to work on that. But I do like myself, I see myself as a pretty swell person, even if empty.

I take insults and compliments with a grain of salt. I assess them to see their relevance, apply them if I end up agreeing, and learn from them. However, in all truth what the person thinks is not what matters, what matters is what I think. A new perspective on myself is useful, but if it's biased or inaccurate I just ignore it.

I'm thankful that I live comfortably.
I wish I had the ability to master my surroundings and learn and take action. and become omniscient.



That's all, I cut it down quite a bit, I realized I was uncomfortable with all that information on a public site, so hopefully this is simpler and easier to comment on, even if it doesn't bring the full picture, I just don't want all that personal business out there, so I'll reflect on it myself.

Ask questions if you want. Constructive criticism, honesty.

Thanks in advance.
 
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