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Discussion Starter #1
When my girlfriend tells me that there is coming a party, like weddings, funerals or some of her family partys, I usually don't want to go because I feel like I couldn't be myself and/or something might go wrong. My type is counterphobic 6.

So I'm asking is this a 6 trait or something you can work with? And if there is a way of working with this, how can I? I feel a bit exhausted about this situation. Mostly because my girlfriend wants me to go to these things and I don't.
 

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I'm a 5w6, but I have similar problems as you.

I'm not phobic, so maybe it's not as bad... I just lack all inclination toward social conversation.

It makes certain moments awkward, and I don't mesh into the social gathering. :\ Nor do I end up enjoying myself. I go there wanting to, but since I can't socialize that well, it just causes me to get bored.

I have one coming up too and I'm kind of wondering if I should go or not. I like the people there, but they're not "friends"... more like co-workers. And I like them, they're great guys but if I'm not going to mesh... what's the point?

My solution is I should figure out whether I should go or not... maybe just show up for an hour or two and then leave after a beer.

I could see the anxiety of this stuff causing a fear. I probably was afraid of social gatherings when I was in my late teens. I wouldn't go to parties in High School... it just worried me too much about my social awkwardness. I guess college fixed that for me. No privacy and the dorms were like a party every weekend.

Friday at 4 PM, the music got cranked up on campus and the booze started flowing.

-----

Now there was a wedding last summer, for a friend of mine. :( I feel really bad about that because I *had* to leave early. You see, she was wanting me to dance with her and I don't dance. Then as I was driving to the reception, I started crying. I was going to be getting married like a month later, but my fiance had left me. So by the time I arrived at the reception, I was in a dismal mood. I just left after the food was served. I didn't even say goodbye to her... but there were so many people there I didn't know. She was my only friend there, but obviously she was busy as hell because she was getting married.

I guess I don't have an answer, just sharing your pain.
 
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Discussion Starter #3
I'm a 5w6, but I have similar problems as you.

I'm not phobic, so maybe it's not as bad... I just lack all inclination toward social conversation.

It makes certain moments awkward, and I don't mesh into the social gathering. :\ Nor do I end up enjoying myself. I go there wanting to, but since I can't socialize that well, it just causes me to get bored.

I have one coming up too and I'm kind of wondering if I should go or not. I like the people there, but they're not "friends"... more like co-workers. And I like them, they're great guys but if I'm not going to mesh... what's the point?

My solution is I should figure out whether I should go or not... maybe just show up for an hour or two and then leave after a beer.

I could see the anxiety of this stuff causing a fear. I probably was afraid of social gatherings when I was in my late teens. I wouldn't go to parties in High School... it just worried me too much about my social awkwardness. I guess college fixed that for me. No privacy and the dorms were like a party every weekend.

Friday at 4 PM, the music got cranked up on campus and the booze started flowing.

-----

Now there was a wedding last summer, for a friend of mine. :( I feel really bad about that because I *had* to leave early. You see, she was wanting me to dance with her and I don't dance. Then as I was driving to the reception, I started crying. I was going to be getting married like a month later, but my fiance had left me. So by the time I arrived at the reception, I was in a dismal mood. I just left after the food was served. I didn't even say goodbye to her... but there were so many people there I didn't know. She was my only friend there, but obviously she was busy as hell because she was getting married.

I guess I don't have an answer, just sharing your pain.
I don't know why but somehow I felt that your problem might be in the interaction with other people? Mainly starting the interaction and probably keeping it up? Do you think that you should do something when there is other people around? If this is the case you could try not to do anything and simply notice how others do it for you. I mean the social interaction between people happens without doing anything. If you think in your head you should do something it is easy to go into anxiety and therefore start to fear those situations. You could go to the next social gathering and take it as an experiment and just see how it all goes without trying anything?
 

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I don't know why but somehow I felt that your problem might be in the interaction with other people? Mainly starting the interaction and probably keeping it up? Do you think that you should do something when there is other people around? If this is the case you could try not to do anything and simply notice how others do it for you. I mean the social interaction between people happens without doing anything. If you think in your head you should do something it is easy to go into anxiety and therefore start to fear those situations. You could go to the next social gathering and take it as an experiment and just see how it all goes without trying anything?
Maybe. It depends on the social gathering. I generally don't feel any pressure to say something at informal parties. The problem then is, I just sit around quietly and after an hour or something, people start to notice, I'm not really participating. Then when they realize it, they start talking to me as a nice gesture.

This is probably the biggest roadblock. I can't keep a conversation going... with men at least. With women I sometimes can, but only if it's a small group of us without other assertive guys mixed in. Makes no sense, but it changes group dynamics.

I guess I'm just trying to hang around the wrong sort of guys now that I think about it. I remember in college, I never had a problem with the guys I hung-out with there. I just sort of lost my desire to hang-out as I've gotten older.

I mean, it always sounds appealing. "Oh I got invited to a bachelor party... cool! I finally get to meet other human beings outside of work. Oh wait... I'll just be totally boring and mundane when I go. What's the point?"

Now to maybe help you... from what I've read of 6-types. The best way to shine with that type is to learn to trust others. Trust freely. The highest level of 6 is someone who extends trust to everyone (within reason). That new person you just met? Trust them! Until they prove otherwise.
 
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Discussion Starter #5
Now to maybe help you... from what I've read of 6-types. The best way to shine with that type is to learn to trust others. Trust freely. The highest level of 6 is someone who extends trust to everyone (within reason). That new person you just met? Trust them! Until they prove otherwise.
Very good point. This "trust" should be my mantra. Something always to remember.
 

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When my girlfriend tells me that there is coming a party, like weddings, funerals or some of her family partys, I usually don't want to go because I feel like I couldn't be myself and/or something might go wrong. My type is counterphobic 6.

So I'm asking is this a 6 trait or something you can work with? And if there is a way of working with this, how can I? I feel a bit exhausted about this situation. Mostly because my girlfriend wants me to go to these things and I don't.
Based on what you mentioned here, it sounds like you may be a combination 6 (P/CP) depending on the situation. A lot of sixes do worry about how they will look in groups, and depending on the person, they will either: a) Go along with what group says, or b) Reject the group in some way (could be overtly, could be covertly).

I guess another question I have for you is, are you afraid of something going wrong? Or are you just not into social groups and don't want to be in a large gathering (without the fear part)? I think asking yourself those questions could bring you some clarity.

Best of luck with this. I avoid parties myself 'cause I just plain don't want to go, alcohol or not.
 

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That isn't really a 6 trait.

I've never had problems talking to people. The trick is knowing what type of venue and what the appropriate manner of interacting is. College party, don't be so afraid of offending people. With an edge of caution you'll do fine.

Anyone can learn how to be social. Just know how much energy you have and are willing to spend before you do it.
 

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I avoid a lot of situations where I feel like my intensity might cause a problem. Institutional environments, professional, emotionally tense, anything where I am going to feel like I have to monitor myself every second to make sure I don't show my ass -- I loathe it to pieces. Its too too tense for me, and I feel like the environment can't contain me, and that something is going to happen where I have upset everyone. Its actually developed into some complex that I have.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
That isn't really a 6 trait.

I've never had problems talking to people. The trick is knowing what type of venue and what the appropriate manner of interacting is. College party, don't be so afraid of offending people. With an edge of caution you'll do fine.

Anyone can learn how to be social. Just know how much energy you have and are willing to spend before you do it.
If what you mean by the trait here is what you imply afterwards, that wasn't what I was saying. I usually never or at all have a problem to speak to others. I also enjoy talking to others and usually people come very open with me. People seem to trust me fast when I trust them and I can read signs where their comfort zone is in the conversation.

The problem for me is that I really would love to go to these partys. Maybe just because my gf wants so, but maybe too because I believe it is somehow normal and right thing to do. "Family is important and friends are too." I also don't ever go to see my friends. They come to see me always. I like being alone much of the time. Last time I went to see one of my friends was last year and last time when my friends were here was yesterday.

I don't really understand why this is. This is the reason why I made this topic.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Based on what you mentioned here, it sounds like you may be a combination 6 (P/CP) depending on the situation. A lot of sixes do worry about how they will look in groups, and depending on the person, they will either: a) Go along with what group says, or b) Reject the group in some way (could be overtly, could be covertly).

I guess another question I have for you is, are you afraid of something going wrong? Or are you just not into social groups and don't want to be in a large gathering (without the fear part)? I think asking yourself those questions could bring you some clarity.

Best of luck with this. I avoid parties myself 'cause I just plain don't want to go, alcohol or not.
When there comes a situation where there is many people and one makes an argument that I cannot relate to I usually don't say anything when I don't know them. I just think s/hes an sort of an idiot depending on the argument. I don't need to care because I can choose my friends and the person who said wasnt my friend (in theory).

In fact your question is very clarifying in a way. I don't really just want to be in social groups, but I'm still missing the reason why. Is there some way to change the thinking so it could be fun?

First things that come to my mind when my gf suggest a party:

"Not again. I hate being in those stupid inflexible artificial partys". This is how I see them: People are all acting something they are not, because they want to please everyone. Fake smiles and dinner jackets. Why people are so blind that they cannot see this? What are they seeing so that they like these traditions?

I don't mean to offend anyone, this was just the first things that came in my mind.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I avoid a lot of situations where I feel like my intensity might cause a problem. Institutional environments, professional, emotionally tense, anything where I am going to feel like I have to monitor myself every second to make sure I don't show my ass -- I loathe it to pieces. Its too too tense for me, and I feel like the environment can't contain me, and that something is going to happen where I have upset everyone. Its actually developed into some complex that I have.
What kind of intensity do you mean? Can you give an example? When I'm at my best I become very passionate about subjects.
 

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When there comes a situation where there is many people and one makes an argument that I cannot relate to I usually don't say anything when I don't know them. I just think s/hes an sort of an idiot depending on the argument. I don't need to care because I can choose my friends and the person who said wasnt my friend (in theory).

In fact your question is very clarifying in a way. I don't really just want to be in social groups, but I'm still missing the reason why. Is there some way to change the thinking so it could be fun?

First things that come to my mind when my gf suggest a party:

"Not again. I hate being in those stupid inflexible artificial partys". This is how I see them: People are all acting something they are not, because they want to please everyone. Fake smiles and dinner jackets. Why people are so blind that they cannot see this? What are they seeing so that they like these traditions?

I don't mean to offend anyone, this was just the first things that came in my mind.
Nothing offensive here. :) When people offend me, they know about right away. I only go off on trolls and spambots.

As for changing the thinking: well, it's always possible to try and look at things from new perspectives, that's for sure. But I think, before you attempt that, you should try to figure out why. Don't know how you typically work through difficult issues: some take a break for a while, others contemplate it endlessly until they find an answer (this is me). Some people would say the former is the better strategy when trying to work through a difficult question/issue. But, that doesn't work for me. You have to really know your thinking style, and use it to your advantage.

In fact, I think you may have already answered your own question. You don't like how "artificial" parties seem to you, as well as the people who attend them. That actually makes a lot of sense to me- I hate conformity because it is absolutely an artificial, man-made standard designed to exclude others. Not something I will ever, ever support.
 

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...oh God I hate social parties. The thing that is wrong with going to such events is that:

a) People there are fake and annoying.
b) I have to be fake as well, which means some tight self control....I just hate the feeling.
c) I have moderate social phobia (I'm afraid I'll do something stupid, embarrassing or just simply rude..as usual)...so I'll worry about it constantly.
d) Have to watch manners and all sorts of crap I don't want to do.

I don't get how some people don't find it annoying. Honestly going to such events causes me something I personally call "stress lock-down". I just can't be myself and it feels like I'm about to explode.

I think the problem is that I hate conforming, but I'm afraid I must, otherwise I make myself a target....:dry:
 

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I deplore self-censorship in social circles. People who are "squares" have finite topics to talk about. At the most, four...
 

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I'm thinking that maybe it would be beneficial for me to try to think social partys as a game. It is like a play where you are going. Everyone is mostly acting. Party's would be more interesting if I also thought them as a place to observe others and their behaviors. Kinda like a lab doc watching hes mouses.
 

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What kind of intensity do you mean? Can you give an example? When I'm at my best I become very passionate about subjects.
That is one way for me as well. I might become too loud, rant passionately, use course language, or just say things in general people don't want to hear -- and I won't understand -until- they react to it.

I'm probably not dressed right. I might show an emotion.. even if just on my face, it comes off as intense. God forbid I get angry. Even If I stay quiet, everyone can feel it burn them. I will probably feel moved to get up and move around at some point when I'm not supposed to. I come on too strong talking to people sometimes.

In those situations I feel like I'm pulling my energy back in, and suppressing it -- all the time.
 
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I'm thinking that maybe it would be beneficial for me to try to think social partys as a game. It is like a play where you are going. Everyone is mostly acting. Party's would be more interesting if I also thought them as a place to observe others and their behaviors. Kinda like a lab doc watching hes mouses.
As a kid, I always pretended I was in some alien setting like the Mos Eisley Cantina or Jabba's Palace, observing and studying all the different species of people. Now I look at it more through an Enneagram filter, studying how different types interact, or trying to deduce what type an individual is in the first place. It's an enneagram safari. "Oh, look! An 8w9 just walked by!" As long as I'm not expected to interact much I don't mind going to social gatherings. And if a person seems to want fakeness or superficiality then that's what I'll give 'em. That just makes me feel more like a spy or an undercover agent. . . secretive. Granted if I had to do this on a daily basis I'd probably find it exhausting. Fortunately, I don't work with people.

I do detest having to wear ties.
 

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...oh God I hate social parties. The thing that is wrong with going to such events is that:

a) People there are fake and annoying.
b) I have to be fake as well, which means some tight self control....I just hate the feeling.
c) I have moderate social phobia (I'm afraid I'll do something stupid, embarrassing or just simply rude..as usual)...so I'll worry about it constantly.
d) Have to watch manners and all sorts of crap I don't want to do.

I don't get how some people don't find it annoying. Honestly going to such events causes me something I personally call "stress lock-down". I just can't be myself and it feels like I'm about to explode.

I think the problem is that I hate conforming, but I'm afraid I must, otherwise I make myself a target....:dry:
That's the story of my life, right there.

Heh, wouldn't it be great if everyone in this thread (and I'll add other non-conformists in as well) had their own "anti-conformity" gathering. Everyone gets to be themselves, and no artificiality is allowed. If a conformist sneaks in, I will just quietly point at the door. Too bad this scenario is unlikely to occur in real life.
 

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I deplore self-censorship in social circles. People who are "squares" have finite topics to talk about. At the most, four...
They are indeed, and they can continue being squares if they wish. I'm a diamond:cool:. A very sparkly, very unique-looking diamond. And I can think of a zillion interesting things to talk about, precisely because I'm not a square.
 

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That isn't really a 6 trait.

I've never had problems talking to people. The trick is knowing what type of venue and what the appropriate manner of interacting is. College party, don't be so afraid of offending people. With an edge of caution you'll do fine.

Anyone can learn how to be social. Just know how much energy you have and are willing to spend before you do it.
It IS a 6 trait, especially considering OP is introverted and I can relate to his situation myself. The reason you have a hard time relating, is because talking to people comes naturally to you being an extrovert and all.
 
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