Socializing as choice over socializing as ability

1648 Views 13 Replies 11 Participants Last post by zeelf, Sep 18, 2014

AW10

Discussion Starter · Aug 2, 2013

I have noticed a great mistake I was doing when it comes to pretty much any activity, mostly socializing. I was looking at socializing more as an ability than as a choice.

The thing is that when you look at socializing as choice first and then as a activity, you can decide whether or not you want to participate in it. Otherwise, you won't be able to decide about that.

The reason why I was prioritizing socializing as a ability over choice is that I have been brainwashed into thinking that socializing is something you simply must do.

When you are doing something because you decided to do it, your ability to do that will be greater than when you are doing it without consciously deciding that you want to do it first.

Because of that, my ability to socialize was almost always weak, since I wasn't the one one who decided to socialize at most of the cases.

~~~

What's interesting is that no matter how strong is need or urge to do something you are the one who eventually decide to act on it.

Even when you let them take over, you are the one who let them to do that. btw. I am not telling that's a good thing, since you lose control once you do that.

The people that don't understand that, feel like they are being controlled by their urges and needs. That's the reason why their ability to satisfy those needs and urges become weaker.

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Falling Leaves

· #2 · Aug 2, 2013

'So brain, do ya wanna go out dancing this evening?'

'Nah, screw around on the internet'

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DemonD

· #3 · Aug 2, 2013

I disagree. I couldn't socialize if I tried, and I have tried.

I'm not disputing that it is a choice in the sense that you can always go 'fuck that' and just not socialize. But just because want to socialize does not mean you have the ability to do so.

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William808

· #4 · Aug 2, 2013 (Edited)

It is a very good point you make here AW10. Seeing that socializing is a choice immediately improves your thinking around it. Feeling pushed into behaving in a way that suits society is not the way to live your life, but if you don't see another option, then it seems like it has to be that way.

But not now. Learning that I was INTP has helped me, given me a frame of reference to work from. When you feel normalized in one group you can remove the importance of normality from another group, if that makes sense.

I always felt the pressure of having to perform, or if not perform conform to the what the group is doing in social circumstances. But I can see now that that is the worst thing to do. Be yourself. Groups actually end up respecting individuals who are themselves anyway, probably because the group types don't have the strength of self to exit from that safety net.

And yes, realizing that every decision you make, even indecision, is a decision. That surely has powerful knock on effects.

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AW10

Discussion Starter · #5 · Aug 2, 2013

DemonD said:
But just because want to socialize does not mean you have the ability to do so.

Aren't you socialize every time you go to store to buy something. You need to explain a seller what you want to buy, how you want to pay, etc. You need to interact with people, which is called socializing. So, unless you claim that you can't go to store and buy a bread, you can't say that you don't have ability to socialize. You can only say that you are not so good at socializing. But, you are INTP after all, not ESFP or some other type.

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LadyO.W.BernieBro

· #6 · Aug 2, 2013

l remember having a realization like this years ago.

l used to be operating on something like ''socialize with whoever is near, even if you don't really like them'' for reasons that l'm not sure of. Maybe l had more patience then, but l think it's just how my family operates.

When l stopped doing that, l wasn't acting like a jerk by putting myself around people l wasn't interested in being around (and had more time to find ones l actually liked).

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Nordom

· #7 · Aug 2, 2013

OMG WTF BRO said:
l remember having a realization like this years ago.

l used to be operating on something like ''socialize with whoever is near, even if you don't really like them'' for reasons that l'm not sure of. Maybe l had more patience then, but l think it's just how my family operates.

When l stopped doing that, l wasn't acting like a jerk by putting myself around people l wasn't interested in being around (and had more time to find ones l actually liked).

Every day you get greener and greener. Are you reverse aging like Benjamin Button?

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Wolfrahm

· #8 · Aug 2, 2013

"but but er... humans are like social beings, right?!?!?!
so er, like logic and stuff means we have to need socializing to live?!?!?!
you people dont have like a life or something?!?!?!"

Anyone here considering becoming a hermit? I am.

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qingdom

· #9 · Aug 2, 2013

Iamtp said:
Every day you get greener and greener. Are you reverse aging like Benjamin Button?

@OMG WTF BRO is one curious case indeed.

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DemonD

· #10 · Aug 2, 2013

AW10 said:
Aren't you socialize every time you go to store to buy something. You need to explain a seller what you want to buy, how you want to pay, etc. You need to interact with people, which is called socializing. So, unless you claim that you can't go to store and buy a bread, you can't say that you don't have ability to socialize. You can only say that you are not so good at socializing. But, you are INTP after all, not ESFP or some other type.

First of all, shopping is not socializing, that is placing the bar too damn low for 'socializing'.

Second, I can fill up my entire fridge without saying a word. I have bought things countless times without having to utter a word, that is not rare nor strange.

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LadyO.W.BernieBro

· #11 · Aug 2, 2013

Iamtp said:
Every day you get greener and greener. Are you reverse aging like Benjamin Button?

l wanna keep my avatar but everything is so clashy now :/

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that

· #12 · Aug 2, 2013

I agree with @DemonD, I can go to the store, grab all the stuff, stand in line, pay the cashier, and go home without uttering a single word.

And I generally view socializing as something to be avoided(and I don't have any friends), so I just say nothing most of the time.

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SA1988

· #13 · Aug 3, 2013

OP that's such an interesting thought. Specially in Western culture, I think we socialise because we think it's a requirement. Every time I'm out of my country (the UK), I feel free and can do as I please because I'm doing exactly what I want to do. I always tell myself, "I'm gonna keep this mindset when I get back home!", but it always fades and I end up focring myself to fit the social mould around me. I definitely only socialise by requirement, rather than by choice. Right now I'm in Korea (naturally introversion-centric culture) and feel so free, I really hope this time I can maintain the feeling for when I get back home...

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zeelf

· #14 · Sep 18, 2014

AW10 said:
The reason why I was prioritizing socializing as a ability over choice is that I have been brainwashed into thinking that socializing is something you simply must do.

Very interesting perspective. And very true.

Lady O.W. Bro said:
l used to be operating on something like ''socialize with whoever is near, even if you don't really like them'' for reasons that l'm not sure of. Maybe l had more patience then, but l think it's just how my family operates.

When l stopped doing that, l wasn't acting like a jerk by putting myself around people l wasn't interested in being around (and had more time to find ones l actually liked).

Spot on. If you only socialise with the right people then it sort of comes naturally, at least for me it does. Give me an INFP who studied philosophy and I'm a social butterfly. Just as long as there are not so many other people in the discussion. Usually there aren't.

SA1988 said:
Specially in Western culture, I think we socialise because we think it's a requirement.

Try Eastern Europe, it's even worse. You don't just have to socialise, you have to bond. Because you gotta have many "connections", who knows when it's gonna turn out useful.

SA1988 said:
Every time I'm out of my country (the UK), I feel free and can do as I please because I'm doing exactly what I want to do. I always tell myself, "I'm gonna keep this mindset when I get back home!", but it always fades and I end up focring myself to fit the social mould around me.

I know the feeling. Nothing kills my travel good vibes faster than hearing all the empty small talk in my mother tongue on the flight back home. I mean, who the fuck cares what colour were the seats on your previous flight and how much your daughter in law would like them? Oh, her office is decorated in matching light blue? Fascinating. *puts headphones on and opens book*

But I can be social when it seems interesting. Like when sitting next to an eccentric retired judge on a train and he starts talking about forensic psychology and the weaknesses of human condition. Then I don't mind small talk, bring it on.

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