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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Any other INFPs out there socially deficient, especially when it comes to talking with women? Sometimes I'm good with talking to strangers, but I feel like these issues hinder me from finding a girlfriend / meaningful relationship:

- "beta" male, don't believe in dominance nor manipulation
- Disgusted by the idea of fitting into a social mold, which is usually required for dating
- shy
- small talk is equivalent to nails on a chalkboard
- Finding joy in the eccentric and original, detesting pop culture (which is usually brought up in terms of small talk or casual discussion)

I understand that women enjoy the obscure just as much as men do, but when it comes to anyone legitimately different on the inside the crowd seems to dissipate into thin air.

I come across as normal, I wear casual clothing, but my ideas and interests are so obscure that I usually have trouble communicating them to others. Thanks to dom Fi though acting anyway besides myself feels like I'm selling my soul to the devil.

So, anyone out there experiencing the same issues as I do? Are we destined for loneliness? Or are there positive changes we can make while at the same time keeping what makes us "us"?
 

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Same here dude. All my life and to this day I'm misunderstood, I don't understand why. I try to be like them but it just doesn't work out. I feel like maybe I'm destined to loneliness. I think I've developped AvPD as a result.
 

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Also wanted to say that I have the same issues... It's gotten to the point where I no longer want to be around other people because I'm already certain that there won't be that 'click.' And when I'm with people I can barely maintain interest, as bad as that sounds. It just doesn't feel right. And I think I don't come off as very impressive, either (not a good dresser, unenthusiastic conversationalist, bad at small talk and... most other kinds of talking). While I don't think there's anything wrong with pop culture or that people are inferior to me or even shallow, it's hard to find anyone to connect to.
 

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I don't consider myself socially inept, but I do have some issues that make it hard to find a SO.
Despite a lot of changes in society some women still expect the man to be dominant, which simply isn't me, I'm seen as 'not proactive' enough by them.
Another thing is, I don't make compromises when it comes to my values and that's not always good if you want to maintain a healthy relationship. (people say I'm too stubborn).
I'm also very bad at small talk so I just tell non-sensical stories. Most people don't get them but once in a blue moon someone comes along that laughs or that goes along with it. And I know I can be myself with them :).
So I don't think we're destined for loneliness, it's just harder (and sometimes it seems almost impossible) for us to find people we consider authentic.
The only advice I can give (and it's very cliché, sorry), is be yourself. Anything else and you'll be betraying yourself.

With time I've also tried to become more confident and outgoing. I think that has helped me a lot and it hasn't changed 'me'.
 

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Just spend time in the gym, it's the one thing as an INFP that I am proud of, that I at least have the drive to train 2-3 times a week..
INFPs are the doormats, you're only useful for the free drink in the club or doing things for people that dont return the favour or appreciate it
Lifting offers your mind a place to focus its energy, rarely anyone is in the gym to talk these days.. The ones who slack will just be on their phones, but I am happy to say that it remains a place for your head and your body, and hasnt been turned into a social gathering place.. Yet
 

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Yes i was and still am deficient with speaking with women because labeling women and judging them within the premise of that label 'woman' confused me. I felt as a adolescence that women were indeed women, but also much more. I could not relate these feelings with anyone so they were kept bottled. Often women who identified with being a woman usually had not realized the other parts to them or had realized but did no want to explore it in fear of what that might mean for them and the lives they had built. Sometimes i feel these other parts of people call out to me and i have trouble articulating them.

This sounds terrible but i ignore woman that identify to strongly with being a woman because it is boring to communicate within restrictions. Woman who have alternative sexual preferences are more interesting to be with. Treating people how i would like to be treated fulfills me, but sometimes i have to treat people how they present themselves to me because they are just not ready.
 

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OP: Part of the problem might be that you clearly don't identify with the 'social norms of society' where men should impress women with their man-ness and conforming to certain social expectations, while on the other end, you think that these things are required to 'get the girl'.
I'll play the devil's advocate here and claim that you're aiming for the wrong crowd here. There's loads of women out there that feel the same way you do. If you're trying to date someone that explicitly doesn't share your view of how society should work, that's a recipe for disaster.

Maybe it's time to look critically at what you're looking for in a partner and stop letting society's expectations of you dictate what you should like in someone. If you keep on falling for the ones that clearly don't share your worldview, you're only setting yourself up for disaster.

Finally, I know you didn't come here to be told off or to find a solution. Just to blow off steam and find others in a similar situation. I just see so many people in similar situations to you ending up bitter because of it, that I'm hoping a small voice of reason can help you find what you want out of life. Feel free to ignore anything I've said if you feel it's out of place here.
 

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OP: Part of the problem might be that you clearly don't identify with the 'social norms of society' where men should impress women with their man-ness and conforming to certain social expectations, while on the other end, you think that these things are required to 'get the girl'.
I'll play the devil's advocate here and claim that you're aiming for the wrong crowd here. There's loads of women out there that feel the same way you do. If you're trying to date someone that explicitly doesn't share your view of how society should work, that's a recipe for disaster.

Maybe it's time to look critically at what you're looking for in a partner and stop letting society's expectations of you dictate what you should like in someone. If you keep on falling for the ones that clearly don't share your worldview, you're only setting yourself up for disaster.

Finally, I know you didn't come here to be told off or to find a solution. Just to blow off steam and find others in a similar situation. I just see so many people in similar situations to you ending up bitter because of it, that I'm hoping a small voice of reason can help you find what you want out of life. Feel free to ignore anything I've said if you feel it's out of place here.
I agree with this, as my mom told me a long time ago, "Find someone who loves you for you"
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Just spend time in the gym, it's the one thing as an INFP that I am proud of, that I at least have the drive to train 2-3 times a week..
INFPs are the doormats, you're only useful for the free drink in the club or doing things for people that dont return the favour or appreciate it
Lifting offers your mind a place to focus its energy, rarely anyone is in the gym to talk these days.. The ones who slack will just be on their phones, but I am happy to say that it remains a place for your head and your body, and hasnt been turned into a social gathering place.. Yet
Unnecessary, I'm really beginning to believe that you're just a slanderous troll in disguise :S
 

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Unnecessary, I'm really beginning to believe that you're just a slanderous troll in disguise :S
I'm afraid not, it was talking from experience.. Much rejection or realizing I was used yet again, that's what I was getting at, I should have picked a better word than "you".. Reading that back now it makes much more sense to have used a different term not directing itself at the reader
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thank you so much for your reply! It's most certainly in place here! As a matter of fact, a girl called me last night asking me to help her edit a video for a science project. I helped her out and even had a bit of a chat with her before hanging up. I'll have to see how it goes but I'd like to get in contact with her more often. Anyways, I appreciate the support and I look forward to seeing you around on the boards!
 

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Unnecessary, I'm really beginning to believe that you're just a slanderous troll in disguise :S
Yeah. Same. I'm even getting triggered and I'm not even sure if I'm an INFP or INFJ at this point.

I was gonna say, for me who is someone that half of this forum thinks is an INFP, telling my future husband 10 years ago when we were still boyfriend and girlfriend that if that man I married ever cheated on me, or mentally or physically tried to abuse me or our future children I'd cut his *bleep* and balls off and feed it to him makes me a real doormat alright. (I'm a nice person, I swear)

He dug it, btw, and he's always treated me like a princess. :laughing:

Ok, I'll stop feeding the trolls now.
 

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Any other INFPs out there socially deficient, especially when it comes to talking with women? Sometimes I'm good with talking to strangers, but I feel like these issues hinder me from finding a girlfriend / meaningful relationship:

  • "beta" male, don't believe in dominance nor manipulation
  • Disgusted by the idea of fitting into a social mold, which is usually required for dating
  • shy
  • small talk is equivalent to nails on a chalkboard
  • Finding joy in the eccentric and original, detesting pop culture (which is usually brought up in terms of small talk or casual discussion)

I understand that women enjoy the obscure just as much as men do, but when it comes to anyone legitimately different on the inside the crowd seems to dissipate into thin air.

I come across as normal, I wear casual clothing, but my ideas and interests are so obscure that I usually have trouble communicating them to others. Thanks to dom Fi though acting anyway besides myself feels like I'm selling my soul to the devil.

So, anyone out there experiencing the same issues as I do? Are we destined for loneliness? Or are there positive changes we can make while at the same time keeping what makes us "us"?
I relate....I actually use to have a hard time interacting with men, I don't anymore however it could've also been because of some unresolved past trauma that I had lol. I think before I was just extremely socially awkward and some people saw me as overly-quiet and probably "socially inept." Which I've grown a lot now and I wouldn't label myself as socially inept but I do relate to a lot of the examples though. "being afraid of seeing someone I know and feeling uncomfortable, I despise small talk and cannot keep that kind of conversation going, I've had people avoid me because I'm so strange and awkward. However, if you find the right kind of people who will accept you for that and who you are it will be ok. Again, I'd say now I'm pretty well adapted I can make connections even though it's hard at first and I've always been able to find one person who I can be best friends with.
 

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OP: Part of the problem might be that you clearly don't identify with the 'social norms of society' where men should impress women with their man-ness and conforming to certain social expectations, while on the other end, you think that these things are required to 'get the girl'.
I'll play the devil's advocate here and claim that you're aiming for the wrong crowd here. There's loads of women out there that feel the same way you do. If you're trying to date someone that explicitly doesn't share your view of how society should work, that's a recipe for disaster.

Maybe it's time to look critically at what you're looking for in a partner and stop letting society's expectations of you dictate what you should like in someone. If you keep on falling for the ones that clearly don't share your worldview, you're only setting yourself up for disaster.

Finally, I know you didn't come here to be told off or to find a solution. Just to blow off steam and find others in a similar situation. I just see so many people in similar situations to you ending up bitter because of it, that I'm hoping a small voice of reason can help you find what you want out of life. Feel free to ignore anything I've said if you feel it's out of place here.
I like this.

But I think one of the core ideas OP is getting at is that we as INFPs go against the purported evolutionary "programming" so to speak. An idea for example is that women are attracted to qualities like self-confidence and strength because it implies security. I'm admittedly paraphrasing a lot without citing any of the claims, but I suspect the aforementioned line of reasoning you get in social media, "pick-up artists" and the web in general have made a deep impression on us.

I constantly question whether sexual attraction is a mere chemical process in the brain spurred on by certain factors, some beyond our control and others not. Or hopefully it could be a deeper connection, like Shakespeare's marriage of true minds.
 
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This will probably be an unpopular opinion, but this worked for me, so I’ll share.

You don’t necessarily need to sacrifice your “You-ness”, but have you considered trying out different things or studying up on different topics so that you are a more well-rounded conversationalist? You may even find something you like or find interesting in the process!

Another thing I would like to mention is something Dan Savage calls “The Price of Admission”. Simply put: you can’t be overly selective if you want to have a relationship. (He’s talking about romantic relationships, but it can be extended to friendships as well.) Reasonably speaking, you really shouldn’t have more than FIVE dealbreakers. I’d personally let someone having a different interest slide, as long as they weren’t forcing it on me.

It might feel a little uncomfortable, but sometimes we have to exercise those social skills that make us a little more comfortable talking to others or asserting ourselves. It’s not “denying our true nature”—it’s just learning how to be more comfortable in public or with people we don’t know. Our true desire to introvert isn’t going to go away, but you can become more socially adept. (But, it does take putting yourself out of your comfort zone often in order to desensitize.)

I think you will (hopefully) find over time that people are usually kind and sometimes feel just as uncomfortable as you, but display it differently. Interacting with others can be very enjoyable as long as you’re willing to accept the other person as they are. (That doesn’t mean you have to have a serious, or even long term, relationship with them. Simply allow the goal to be working on your conversation-making skills and enjoying the moment. Eventually, you will probably find someone you like enough to engage in a relationship with.)

Unfortunately, there is no “perfect fit” for anyone, but I do believe that just about everyone can find someone that enhances their life, and makes them feel happy/content most of the time.
 

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I constantly question whether sexual attraction is a mere chemical process in the brain spurred on by certain factors, some beyond our control and others not. Or hopefully it could be a deeper connection, like Shakespeare's marriage of true minds.
As far as I understand it it's a combination of a few factors. There are chemical processes at work, definitely. Our body odour is a signal that tells potential mates how our immune system is built up, in order to find compatibility on that front. There are also factors like our brain being attracted to symmetry. If your face is symmetrical, you are more likely to find a mate.

There are also other factors that go into longer relationships. If you're in a relationship for a longer time and have not produced children yet, your hormones might start telling you that it's time to move on. Those are biological processes that can be good to keep in mind if you're not in a hurry to produce offspring. Our bodies are very much geared towards making children and that can sometimes overrule our reason.

Otherwise, there are social factors mostly. Some are programming by society, telling us that certain qualities are more attractive than others, but others are based on what we personally value in ourselves and others.

There isn't one single answer to this question. It's always going to be a combination of factors and there's no escape from that. Humans are complicated.
I think any deeper connection is one that is developed over a longer period of interactions with someone.
 

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As far as I understand it it's a combination of a few factors. There are chemical processes at work, definitely. Our body odour is a signal that tells potential mates how our immune system is built up, in order to find compatibility on that front. There are also factors like our brain being attracted to symmetry. If your face is symmetrical, you are more likely to find a mate.

There are also other factors that go into longer relationships. If you're in a relationship for a longer time and have not produced children yet, your hormones might start telling you that it's time to move on. Those are biological processes that can be good to keep in mind if you're not in a hurry to produce offspring. Our bodies are very much geared towards making children and that can sometimes overrule our reason.

Otherwise, there are social factors mostly. Some are programming by society, telling us that certain qualities are more attractive than others, but others are based on what we personally value in ourselves and others.

There isn't one single answer to this question. It's always going to be a combination of factors and there's no escape from that. Humans are complicated.
I think any deeper connection is one that is developed over a longer period of interactions with someone.
Interesting, I can appreciate that.
 
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