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I'm coming as true as possible to vent some frustration I have been tormenting myself with, these past years. My problem is basically with the enneagram. Typing hurts because, even if I analyze myself (and almost everything I come across in my life) exhaustively, it seems I cannot weight my motivations. Wondering about this situation, I have concluded that I'm morbidly obsessed with truth. I have recognised a pattern in my way of speaking. I usually use some words that can come as ambiguous and undecided but true and ready to not be debunked with simple logic at the same time. For example, words like maybe and sometimes. I have not used them here, but I do use them a lot. I have been wondering if I have a deep fear of being untrue and not considering the complexity of life as it is. I'm stupidly aware of possibilities. It can become heavily overwhelming to deal with this tremendous mess of information. I will leave you with some of the types I have considered these five-six years I have been in touch with the enneagram: 1, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 9. I decided 1 because I feel this unquenchable thirst for truth that is making me to want to be precise, accurate and "perfect". If it's not absolute truth, it's not valuable. That's my ideal in some way. I decided 3 because I feel in some sense I'm diconnected from my worth and I certainly want to appear as interesting as possible. I can feel I'm deceiving myself and others easily, mostly because of this ideal of truth I'm running for and not fulfilling adequately. I have reached the conclussion that I am there and I can gather attention but I'm not visible and yet I feel ignored. I feel bound to reveal myself and I like it, but I have to do it all the time. People think they know me well. I do not know me well neither. I decided 4 because I want to find something absolutely mine to outstand from others and feel special. Mostly I feel boring and at the middle of any situation. Like in my signature, I feel I'm condemned to an adjetiveless life of having nothing to be in some way different from others. I admit I have been told some adjectives and when I had not liked them I simply neglected them or doubted them. In some way, I want to possess those adjectives, I want them just for me. Me, selfish bastard. I want others to see me the way I see me or I desire to be seen. I want to confess something, I'm feeling uneasy right now because I'm fearful of comitting mistakes and of not being true enough. I'm doubting three and four right now. Consider them, please. (Post-edit: They just don't fit, if you want my actual opinion, but...) Correct me (politely please) if I'm wrong. Well, 5 and 6, they feel kind of obvious right now but not necessarily true. I have struggled with anxiety in my life and I'm analytical as I said before. I use the words fear and doubt a lot. I have always heard 5s want to understand and I do want it, so badly, to the point of not letting me deal with things that are not true enough. And finally 9, well I desire a lot of inner peace, mainly because my head won't shut up. I'm reaching conclussions at this moment actually. I feel head type and cerebral a lot. Nine just feels so easy going and peaceful, not the way I am. I have to admit that even if I feel sad I usually express "happiness" in my drawings. I draw doodles in my notebooks all the time, mostly when I'm bored. I can see truth in any point of view and I'm extremely tolerant.

Just to add some "fun" in it, I consider myself an ESFP, because I have been told I look physically like one and because I can feel like one when I read some of the descriptions about it. Oddly, I do not feel as extroverted as an ESFP is painted like and I'm definately not a party monster but I do appreciate experience. Sensorial experience. If I trace back my behaviour since I was a kid, I have acted like a joker in my life, making people laugh and telling personal stories with interesting twists. I can be very expressive, sometimes in a faked way. I love acting out things I kind of feel, but I'm not certain I am. I'm a little bit histrionic and intense in that way. I feel fine with the performer label. Extroverted can sound a little bit weird for others and for me, because I get frustrated easily if I don't get enough time alone and social interaction drains me, but it can energize me a lot too and I can get really bored if I get no action too. I just need to be in the mood. I just need to be in the mood almost all the time. I do not consider myself temperamental, I wish I was more moody actually, but gloomy, yes I am. About wanting to be the center of attention, I'm guilty one of them. I have been pretty demanding of attention since I was a little boy from both of my parents and my closest friends. I can become a dark hole, engulding everyone around me, like a tornado. I'm envious and jelous of my loved ones, even if people do not recognise it in me instantaneously. If I place myself in a trusted environment, the ESFP style of behaviour fits me perfectly, oddly perfectly.

This was a huge venting post.

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