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Discussion Starter #1
Recently I've found out that people who share my own faults are those who confuse me and upset me the most.
I tend to be extra-understanding with them because I know how it feels like to endure the negative feedback of that particular mistake you don't know you constantly do.

But then my patience runs out rather quickly and I find myself just unable to bear them anymore and even [sic] surprised that they don't understand why, and accuse me of having just got tired and disposed of them or something.
They're usually someone who exhibits the bad traits of my past self, or my today self but worse. Immaturity, passive-aggressiveness, clinginess, low self esteem, hyper criticism, black and white mentality and so on.

People whose faults are different from mine have seldom understood me and this is why I've started paying close attention to them. But now I come to the conclusion that faults and similar past experiences are just one factor in human relationships and, even if bonding through positive qualities is all too easy, sharing faults is in itself not the key to mutual acceptance and understanding.

I'm curious about your opinions.
 
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Recently I've found out that people who share my own faults are those who confuse me and upset me the most.
I tend to be extra-understanding with them because I know how it feels like to endure the negative feedback of that particular mistake you don't know you constantly do.

But then my patience runs out rather quickly and I find myself just unable to bear them anymore and even [sic] surprised that they don't understand why, and accuse me of having just got tired and disposed of them or something.
They're usually someone who exhibits the bad traits of my past self, or my today self but worse. Immaturity, passive-aggressiveness, clinginess, low self esteem, hyper criticism, black and white mentality and so on.

People whose faults are different from mine have seldom understood me and this is why I've started paying close attention to them. But now I come to the conclusion that faults and similar past experiences are just one factor in human relationships and, even if bonding through positive qualities is all too easy, sharing faults is in itself not the key to mutual acceptance and understanding.

I'm curious about your opinions.
Hmmm.... me and my father sometimes curse and swear a lot when getting tired or something, frustrated. hitting foot or something. Typically we just laugh about it... like laughing about how horrible it is.
Taking turns to say "That is so horrible", or something. I think that is okay way of dealing, tho sometimes it is much better we relax.

usually actually i laugh with people when we both see some "bad" thing we do. with a kind of acceptance and understanding. not that it nessarily is a okay thing.

Hmmmm.... sometimes i think it could be seen as this... If your two lonely people, you can sit at home, writing eachother on internet, sulking. but you can also do something about it.
If your two smokers you can decide together to spot and back eachother..
tho often times it doesn't work like that.

About "Immaturity, passive-aggressiveness, clinginess, low self esteem, hyper criticism,"
Hmmmm.. I want to rid people of low self esteem, if they say something bad about themselves i want to almost litatteraly turn them upside down, and shake it out of them, but that is not really possible...
Maybe i try to show them another viewpoint.
Maybe i tell that I also have struggled, and ofcourse still can happen.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
@bentHnau
Let's say friendship. At work I want to get things done so I care less.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
About "Immaturity, passive-aggressiveness, clinginess, low self esteem, hyper criticism,"
Hmmmm.. I want to rid people of low self esteem, if they say something bad about themselves i want to almost litatteraly turn them upside down, and shake it out of them, but that is not really possible...
Maybe i try to show them another viewpoint.
Maybe i tell that I also have struggled, and ofcourse still can happen.
Ok, scenario: they notice you "want to do something" about their low self esteem, and start pitying themselves whenever you are around. What do you do? Aren't you going to get tired sooner or later? And how would you deal with their belief that you "suddenly don't care about them anymore" etc.?
Or is it possible to never get tired?
 

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Ok, scenario: they notice you "want to do something" about their low self esteem, and start pitying themselves whenever you are around. What do you do? Aren't you going to get tired sooner or later? And how would you deal with their belief that you "suddenly don't care about them anymore" etc.?
Or is it possible to never get tired?
Ofcourse I can get tired. I think even some of the most empathetic people can get tired.

I dunno how id handle that belief.. tell them that i haven't said that or something?.

Meh.. I feel like I should have just the right answer to this, reminds me of things I read. it bastardly hard to change... in a way it can be like person wants X or Y belief, because it serves some purpose, altho it may not be entirely positive.

You say you have been in these ways yourself, so you should know?. I should also know, because I have and can pity myself and etc.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
You say you have been in these ways yourself, so you should know?. I should also know, because I have and can pity myself and etc.
My experience tells me that only by being left alone, without anyone's emotional supply, they/we can change. But that is a critical moment which could lead both to improvement or to complete defeat (isolation, drowning in their own problems and just giving up).
Maybe I can't accept that I can't save anyone and not even my own improvement is to be taken for granted.
 

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Recently I've found out that people who share my own faults are those who confuse me and upset me the most.
I tend to be extra-understanding with them because I know how it feels like to endure the negative feedback of that particular mistake you don't know you constantly do.

But then my patience runs out rather quickly and I find myself just unable to bear them anymore and even [sic] surprised that they don't understand why, and accuse me of having just got tired and disposed of them or something.
They're usually someone who exhibits the bad traits of my past self, or my today self but worse. Immaturity, passive-aggressiveness, clinginess, low self esteem, hyper criticism, black and white mentality and so on.

People whose faults are different from mine have seldom understood me and this is why I've started paying close attention to them. But now I come to the conclusion that faults and similar past experiences are just one factor in human relationships and, even if bonding through positive qualities is all too easy, sharing faults is in itself not the key to mutual acceptance and understanding.

I'm curious about your opinions.
Good question. I don't think you are responsible for their improvement, since nobody is responsible for yours.

I notice that one of my traits is that I can become very blunt and even cruel in my way of relating to others when I sense something that resembles disrespect coming my way. I've seen a similar level of cruelty in others, even when there was no reason to be cruel, and while I won't openly condemn them (unless they start using their faults to do me harm for no reason), I tend not to get involved unnecessarily because each one's problems are solved differently. Being understanding towards the one at fault doesn't necessarily help in improvement because there are so many factors that must precede this. Its all about boundaries.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I don't think you are responsible for their improvement, since nobody is responsible for yours.
Unfortunately true. I remember the power stray words from strangers or friends have (especially had) on me, and I try hard not to be that obnoxious person which pushes others further in their personal hell with an unnecessary word. But I might be giving myself (and those people from the past) too much responsibility.

I notice that one of my traits is that I can become very blunt and even cruel in my way of relating to others when I sense something that resembles disrespect coming my way. I've seen a similar level of cruelty in others, even when there was no reason to be cruel, and while I won't openly condemn them (unless they start using their faults to do me harm for no reason), I tend not to get involved unnecessarily because each one's problems are solved differently. Being understanding towards the one at fault doesn't necessarily help in improvement because there are so many factors that must precede this. Its all about boundaries.
This might be a fruitful thought for me, because it's not about responsibility but "objective" (I'd rather call it intrapersonal) functioning. "there are so many factors that must precede this". So true. I had never thought about it with such clarity. Probably because I come from a family with no boundaries whatsoever whose members consider me "more gifted/more egoist than them" because I chose not to rot in their problems. Either my survival is a gift from god or an injustice, there's no middle ground: I did some work myself, and maybe I had some luck - the factors that must precede compassion from others for it to have some positive influence. Thank you!
 

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Unfortunately true. I remember the power stray words from strangers or friends have (especially had) on me, and I try hard not to be that obnoxious person which pushes others further in their personal hell with an unnecessary word. But I might be giving myself (and those people from the past) too much responsibility.
Ouch, its a burden you shouldn't be bearing. Sorry to hear that.

This might be a fruitful thought for me, because it's not about responsibility but "objective" (I'd rather call it intrapersonal) functioning. "there are so many factors that must precede this". So true. I had never thought about it with such clarity. Probably because I come from a family with no boundaries whatsoever whose members consider me "more gifted/more egoist than them" because I chose not to rot in their problems. Either my survival is a gift from god or an injustice, there's no middle ground: I did some work myself, and maybe I had some luck - the factors that must precede compassion from others for it to have some positive influence. Thank you!
My upbringing had no boundaries either, but strangely I never thought I was responsible for changing the behavior of those around me. In fact, I had a deep resentment whenever my parents blamed me for things that are outside of my rightful responsibility. That doesn't mean I didn't want them to change or improve, but I never thought I should rot in their problems as you mentioned. You are absolutely right, if the persons at fault don't even see the need to work on themselves and shift blame the whole time, no amount of understanding or compassion matters.
 
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