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Sp Confessions, Vents, Rants, Purges

6K views 61 replies 28 participants last post by  Coburn 
#1 ·
Sp types are known to keep their problems close to the chest. I am inviting you to unload anything you desire. It can be about issues you feel are related to Sp, or anything else on your mind. Sp doms may confess, as well as Sp seconds or Sp lasts who feel for any reason that this thread is a good place to unload something.

~ No topic is off limits. Your own limit is the limit. ~​
 
#2 ·
Thanks for making this thread, @Animal.

My emotions are just all over the place right now but it's in a good way but I'm still reeling.
 
#3 ·
glad to be rid of people who could literally classify as insane--and i mean literally, as they attempt to laugh manically while intermittently unclothing themselves while they cut themselves, to then jump back on their medicine and be able to represent an image so "happy/nice" that no one would ever believe the former... i don't understand the choice of spouses/lovers for some people... unless they are your child, or y'all'ave been married for years and years, a person just isn't worth that, ever. if they actually wanted to be better, they'd make an effort, and not give into whatever crazy-ass childhood trauma they've romanticized with you now in the picture... people.


i think the last straw for the other person was when she was left stranded in the middle of nowhere, inebriated, on a median without a light in sight... sounds bad, but it did then allow others to step in and more or less end everything for her. the guy then went ballistic--on her--then hid, then put on his manipulative-crazy act for the cops, then hid some more... kunt... it's okay though. i have most of his stuff that's pretty important to him, and all he has to do is come and get it, but he never will, so we now have all these cool things to enjoy, :happy:...


long story short though:

i have a stable living condition now (yay!). one of my jobs will be moving me up pretty soon (fine-dining, "yes sir's" and "no ma'am's" and elegant spinning pirouettes while i pour someone water and pretend to kiss their ass--oh my!), so i can lose the other two... then, things'll be calm enough to work out the logistics of my pre-clinicals again, and i'll be making enough to pay out of pocket for school if the complications of hours vs random government strictures fail me... and everything is turning green, light on the tops of the trees and dark and rich in the canopies, outside my window, and everything is just looking so beautiful. :)
 
#4 ·
Hm, I think there was already a venting thread for Sp (and I considered bumping it), but ah well.

I can barely form any coherent thoughts for this topic, though, even though I think I'm an Sp-dom... of course, sometimes I have to wonder if I'm actually an Sp-last who is just idealizing the Sp-instinct or something, like Fasc or however his name is spelled who keeps starting threads about his blindspot, except I don't think it's his blindspot. I don't think it necessarily makes much sense to idealize your blindspot anyway. Maybe your second instinct. Either way though, Sp-dom makes the most sense overall, because I'm only really happy when I can get away with being selfish. Uhm, there was more to it than that, but I got distracted. >_>
 
#5 ·
Is it really an sp thing to keep matters close to the chest?

Huh.
 
#7 ·
Here's a rant/confession: I have trouble making valuable connections with others. I meet people, but things never seem to go any further. I'm not a bad conversationalist, but I might be too good at controlling where a conversation goes. Most conversations I have with people usually become long one-sided monologues where I ask the questions and the other person just talks about him or her self at length.

I've tried bringing myself back into the conversation before, but it usually doesn't result in much; other people don't engage with me the way I engage with them (in short, I don't get asked any questions back).

I've just spent nearly two months meeting up with a group of men and women on a weekly basis for social things. To put it plainly, I haven't connected with anyone and I'm starting to think my time is better spent elsewhere than having to see how conversationally flexible I am every time the topic turns to something I don't relate to

Add to this issues with vulnerability and I feel like my social life is kind of a mess sometimes. I have two close friends, but they live out of state. I have casual friends, but we have only have about 2-3 topics we can traverse every time we meet.

If I wernt extroverted this would be less of an issue. But I do like people and I would like to get to know more people on a good level. But I'm not sure where to start.


Note, may delete this later for being way too rambly.

There, @Animal . You happy now? I'm not holding things so close. *sits down in a corner and stares at a wall*
 
#8 ·
If I wernt extroverted this would be less of an issue. But I do like people and I would like to get to know more people on a good level. But I'm not sure where to start.
Hobbies work for me. I try to weave in getting to know new people with activities I enjoy. It just feels a more natural way of getting of new friends.

I confess though, I'm horrible at keeping up friendships if we don't have some regular activity to do together, or if I don't see some use in it.
 
#10 ·
I feel genuinely surprised when i've had a huge emotional impact on anyone, sometimes I'm astounded I have any effect at all. I mostly feel powerless when it comes to people. When I see someone in pain, I assume I won't be able to help them, though I try in my clumsy ways and I've been able to do it before. It just truly surprised me. Someone's told me my writing makes them shake sometimes. Even making people really angry, I feel dumbfounded as to how it happens. When someone's angry at me or leaving me, I feel as if I'm powerless to get them back, so I freak out

I do want to effect people, though. Especially in the way of making them shake with my writing, I want to get to peoples' souls that way. I want to feel as if I'm not perpetually open to other people hurting me in a way I couldn't hurt them or in a way I couldn't fix. I want to feel as if I know exactly how to help people who are in pain too. It only happens sometimes, rarely, and it's just when I'm being really intuitive because I'm in a weird mood

I know it doesn't really have anything to do with sp, I just wanted to express it somewhere
 
#11 · (Edited)
@Pilot

I am admittedly a bit strange about asking people questions. I don't like to pry and I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable like I am digging them for information. Part of this is that I'm not good at small talk type questions. My sp1 mother asks questions like, where do you live? Do you like it? My questions tend to be: What do you dream about? Do you find it difficult being homosexual in this area? How did you feel when your mother died? Etc. Not the kind of things you can ask without annoying the crap out of people, but those are the only things I really want to know, because I am interested in who the person is on a deeper level. Minutia goes in one ear and out the other. I don't know geography, I don't remember the names of cities, I don't remember which universities teach what and why some are considered prestigious. In essence, I don't give a flying fuck. What I want is their dreams, their soul, their regrets, their pain, their hopes. I also don't care to waste my time telling them my shoe size, where I shop or what I think about some celebrity that I've likely never heard of. I'd rather watch grass grow than talk about that stuff, whether it's me talking or them. So.. given the way I am.. I just pour out my own soul, and hope the other person will open up as well, at their own pace.
 
#13 ·
I feel the same way. Glad to know I'm not alone in that. :)
 
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#12 ·
To unleash the crazy or not to unleash the crazy?

Screw it:

I've been seething for the last few days over a new idea: I can't destroy my standards for myself, not without feeling like I'm committing some self-betrayal or self-denigration. So I only have one option left - meet those standards. It's going to take a crap load of work, considering I basically want perfection (in my own fashion and with regard to what I think is important)...but I don't know where else to go. And given I'm awful at actually working and doing things, especially when there's just so much and not a whole lot of time...yeah. Pass the chocolate pretzels and let's see what's on Youtube.

Also, I need to go back to posting in my own damn type forum, I keep bugging the Fours lately, probably because much of what I find there is so much more relatable than most stuff written for Nines, to me at least, right now. One major difference being "genuineness"; I'm not even sure what the real me is anymore. I know what I want to be, and I have a fuzzy idea of what I am (and a rather poor opinion of it), and I can see that great, yawning gap between the two states. That gap is what matters most.

Yep, this got emo as heck and has fsck-all to do with my sp-lead, but yeah.
 
#14 ·
I struggle with making friends. The thing is, I deeply desire social connection. I tell people I'm the most introverted extrovert I've ever met. My husband is completing graduate school in a couple of weeks, and we will be relocating for his job. I'm worried I will be too incompetent to make new friends, (lol). I just feel like the world is dictated by SO-instinct rules, and I miss the mark every time. I think developing new friendship feels especially SO-dom territory; & it makes me insecure and anxious. People tend to love me or hate me, and sometimes I'm too sensitive to take the hate.

I just hope I find "my people". :laughing:

Sometimes I wish I was better at SO-dom type things. Anyone have any relocation/friendship-making advice?
 
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#15 ·
[Double Post]

Apologies! :tongue:

The Personality Cafe website has been driving me bonkers today! Anybody else experiencing issues?
 
#16 · (Edited)
Looking at some previous comments, I can't connect with people either. I just don't know how...but on a deeper level, I've realized, I think I'm afraid to. Afraid of what they're going to think when they see what I actually am - whatever it is. It kind of ties into my first post - this creeping belief that I can't even try to get close to anyone until I've molded myself into some perfect ideal that will actually be worth people's time....and that I actually like and approve of...

I hide a lot. No idea if this has to do with being a self-pres lead, a Nine, or a self-pres Nine. Ask me what I'm interested in and I'll hem and haw and try to change the subject - I have interests, some of which border on passions, I'm just too ashamed to admit to them. I find questions about favorite things - food, music, activities - extraordinarily uncomfortable, embarrassing, and even frightening. Not because anything I like or do is bad, necessarily. I guess I just expect some kind of rejection to result from exposing my self like that.

It's kind of tiring, hiding so much. Especially because from what I can tell, it's mostly internally based: no one but myself is telling me I'm crap. Yet if anything, that internality makes it that much more real, more legitimate than if it were just someone else saying it.

Wow, I'm in a venty mood today. Alright then...
 
#25 ·
It kind of ties into my first post - this creeping belief that I can't even try to get close to anyone until I've molded myself into some perfect ideal that will actually be worth people's time....and that I actually like and approve of...
Hm, thinking about it, this sounds similar to how I've been feeling. Although in my case it hasn't really kept me from trying to engage people anyway. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I just wish sometimes I could just withdraw from everything and do my own thing for a while, though mostly in order to create a "self" that would be more interesting so I could actually engage someone more substantionally or... something like that. Don't really have the motivation for that, though. And yeah, I'm not sure this sounds particularly Sp either, so somewhat off-topic... Ah well.
 
#19 ·
@lycanized

First of all - I did not make such a claim. I would never tell someone they can't be an Sp type because they are too intense or deep. @Vajra is easily the most intense person on this forum and there is nothing surfacey or superficial about her. She is Sp/Sx.

I simply mentioned my Sp1 mother because that is her type, and another Sp type had said something similar, which reminded me of her, and arguments that she and I have, for instance, she is annoyed that, much like you mentioned, I don't know where someone grew up or how old they are when I know all their deepest desires. She sometimes is shocked by things like that. That does not equate a blanket statement that EVERY Sp type is that way. You made that leap - but I didn't.

For accuracy's sake, my mother is also an Sp/So type. But I am not claiming that all Sp/So types are exactly like her in some way, either. Additionally I should mention that she ALSO knows my passions and fears, and she does not shy away from intense personal topics if they are brought up. Simply put, she is more suited for conversations with a wide variety of people, whereas I am more suited for very intense conversations with some people. But I probably develop close friendships faster than she does... which does not mean I have "more friends" or "better friends" by any means.. it's just a different communication style. I'm also not a 1.
 
#20 · (Edited)
I wasn't making a leap, that's why I was asking lol
People often don't get that I"m actually asking a question, I don't know why. But you have to admit it could very easily come off that way, which is why I was asking. Plus I was asking for my own self because I don't know which I am, so forgive me
 
#23 ·
Nooooooo...I forgot to come back and delete my rant while it was still editable.

so.much.regret.
 
#24 · (Edited)
I sometimes wonder if friendships/relationships are just too hard for me or really worth all of the drama and undesirable intensity and I would be happier just going back to shutting myself off from the rest of the world. I know that there are rewards but I sometimes wonder if they are necessarily worth the costs?

:unsure:


ETA: But I have to do this because , I've done the alternative and when I'd gotten desperate or lonely, I would make terrible decisions and wind up with unsavoury people and I definitely don't want to ever go back to that. =(
 
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#28 ·
I feel you on this.

I hate the feeling that there's this terrible dichotomy: be alone and be drama free or find friends but they're either of terrible character, overly self-obsessed, or just crazy in the sort of ways that don't quite jive.

And yes, I hate how loneliness doesn't add clarity to the lack of friends situation, but instead makes the whole thing masked with a sense of "if not them, then maybe nobody else."


But based on the friendships I have had and do have, I'd say when you find gold, it's worth it. Part of what makes a relationship gold (to me) is the ability to be honest when the relationship is having stress moments.

But yeah...it's hard to find things like that.
 
#29 ·
I am graduate, unemployed, 24 years old and still living with my parents. Even if I do my laundry, I help them with the dishes once in a while, they send me to buy groceries all the time and I don't ask them for money to do my stuff, I still eat the food they buy and prepare, I still use the water the pay for, the gas they pay for, the electricity they pay for, the internet they pay for, I live under the roof they own and I pass a lot of time locked in my room. I don't know what to say about this. I'm tired of feeling like this. I know it is my responsibility. I can try and say I feel like a parasite, or that I am not making enough effort to get out of here or that I'm starting to get irritable with them and they don't deserve it. I want to move out, to a bigger city, to care about everything I must, and to not care about anything that is unnecessary; I want to control my life. Complaining will accomplish nothing. At least the last month I've been more determined to get out of here, I've been sending applications for anything I meet the requirements for, attending every single call with a dash of enthusiasm that's partly real because it's my ticket out of here and partly faked because it doesn't excite me and that won't help me at all. I am starting to feel like I will take anything as long as it takes me there. I feel wrong. Just wrong. Any tangent leads to a line of thoughts that will make me feel like garbage. And I'm not jaded enough to simply stop caring and act like a souless body.

In my life I never thought I really cared about getting others' approval. I never thought I was making an effort to earn it. Now I realize that something so exaggerated like that must mean I do care and I'm just terrified of being rejected. And now I am aware of it. I worry now. Making a good impression, stuff like that. Now they mean something to me. I'm struggling. And I dislike I'm struggling for others.

Ugh. Venting is so useless.

My life sucks and it shouldn't because I got much much more than many people in the world. I should feel grateful. My life shouldn't suck.
 
#30 ·
Venting is so useless.
I used to think that before this thread - probably cuz I really couldn't personally relate to most of them but I strongly relate to what many, including you, have posted in this thread.
 
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#31 ·
This place doesn't get much action does it?

I understand the trepidation in involving yourself with anyone...For me, I feel like a child, social shit makes me feel like a child as I don't quite understand how people can act one way and then it all falls to shit. I don't understand sometimes how exactly I'm affecting other people so I have to try my hardest not to hurt them, or not to offend them, or most importantly, not to annoy them or be something they just can't handle. Since I'm a child, all I can do is watch desperately the signs and try to read them as best I can. And I work by the assumption that people won't want to put up with me, or that I'm maybe a bit too intense, so I try to hold back, read their signs, and see where I can move forward. No matter what, when things fall to shit, it always surprises me. I don't know why these things happen, I don't understand, I don't understand people, so I end up feeling like they've been playing a game. Temporarily it makes me feel like it's hopeless for me to even try in the first place, it's just futile

I had a friend recently who stopped talking to me for a week because I was in a bad state of mind and took something she said WAY too personally. I thought she was just upset because of that. It turns out she was partially upset because she felt I wasn't doing enough to help myself. I would never have been able to guess that...That's what scares me. I don't understand, but I kept trying and I eventually got through to her and made her realize I was trying to move forward and get somewhere. No coldness. I also found a new friend at the same time

As I stated on the first page, I tend to feel powerless when it comes to people. I feel like I can't manipulate them in any way. Occasionally I have my little moments of confidence, but mostly I don't. So I just fall apart. It confirms the assumptions I have in my mind that people won't want to put up with me. But I know I couldn't deny myself people altogether. I'm the kinda person who needs at least that one soul connected person, or that one with whom I'm going int hat direction with. Without it, I'll just spend my time imagining I have it with someone who doesn't know me which is kind of creepy

I feel like, as with anything, the good is worth engaging when it comes...you're supposed to. That includes people. The bad shit that happens, it's never the end. You just gotta add pages to your bible

At this point in my life, I find myself being more trepidation about not engaging certain people or not taking advantage of situations to talk with someone new as you never know where things will take you, who they could be to you
 
#32 · (Edited)
I'm wondering if this is an SP thing or just a common sense one.

I have a friend who is SP last. She's very big on injustice and is unafraid to get verbally confrontational with complete strangers if she thinks they are doing something wrong. We've discussed this to at some length, and one thing she noted was that she does not worry about the size or build of a person when engaging in a face to face altercation.

She has the firm belief that nobody would ever try to physically hurt her no matter how much she yelled at them because the person would be too aware that they could never justify self defense against her if it got physical (she's about 5'7", 120 lbs., very thin with no real muscle).

So she charges into face-to-face engagements confident it will always stay at words.


Personally, I cannot comprehend this mindset. I don't understand how a person can believe there is some unspoken code of conduct that everyone will follow in a confrontation. Not sure it's an SP thing, but I operate from the standpoint that strangers are unknown entities...in other words, they might stay verbal, they might get physical. You don't know because you don't know the person.


What do other SP types think? Is this a pretty normal viewpoint when engaging strangers in conflict (I'm not talking about conflict like someone whispering loudly in the row behind you at a movie, I mean conflict like seeing a man yelling verbal insults at his girlfriend outside a bar or trying to hit her; something more extreme)?

Do you account for physical differences before engaging? Or ignore them entirely?
 
#33 ·
Depends on the situation. I'm 5'3" 125lb and I'm generally unperturbed by going after people... less so for 'injustices' now since I'm an adult and this isn't the grade-school playground, but more if somebody's just screwed with me personally.

I don't think there's a 'code of conduct' so much as that people who act carelessly with other people's physical beings are bullies and are either unused to or have never had somebody call them out loudly in public in a crowd. I've shamed any number of taller, heavier men at concerts or in public with zero repercussions beyond being called some gendered slurs and eye rolling- but it's because they were blatantly acting like an asshole. Most people are just glad *somebody* said/did something and I happen to be that person.

I think there's the possibility somebody would hurt me in these situations- but I read them very carefully. Plenty of witnesses, plenty of attention because I'm probably yelling at them, pretty unlikely they're going to retaliate beyond cursing at me and walking away. If the person even looks like they might physically attack me, I prepare for that. I'm only the one to strike 'first blows' if they've pushed/hurt one of my friends first. There's various 'warnings' before it comes to that, generally.

tl;dr: I think it's an SP thing to worry about getting hurt in a situation but it also flavours how you react. If I were an sx 8 I doubt I'd care to 'warn' anybody or hesitate when they're bothering me, even if they're not really impacting my experience. I'm interested in stopping them from bringing down my/our experience whereas others just want to fight for the sake of 'winning' or the 'rush'. Either way someone throwing themselves into fights willy-nilly because they *think* it's going to stay at words just makes them look like a complete idiot. I've had friends like that... they're not friends of mine anymore. Too immature and embarrassing to be around.
 
#34 ·
This is more of a trivial rant than anything.

I don't understand why people own more than one planner. One for personal things, one for school, another for work, yet another for hobbies, one more for meetings and appointments, a slightly smaller one for bills and deadlines....

Are the different aspects of their lives so disjoint from each other to need to be logically separated? Aren't they just one person who happens to be involved with lots of things, which they'll end up having to fit into their singular existences?


Maybe this is just me being envious of their many planners. Why do those pretty Kikki.K binders have to cost an arm and a leg? ;_;
 
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#35 ·
Stability is #1 for me; but without the freedom to be authentic/express myself, there's this massive void. I'm not willing to sacrifice my stability, and yet I'm always striving/hoping to find a balance between the two, yet they seem mutually exclusive.
 
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#38 ·
@ScientiaOmnisEst

I don't think I've really interacted with you much, but I do remember you talking about how you thought that sp 9s were seen as "simple" and not very intellectual people. I just wanted to let you know that, while sp 9s can be this way, they are also known for getting lost in/zoning out through hobbies, which can very well be intellectual in nature. You seem intelligent; don't let stereotypes about instincts make you question that.
 
#39 ·
@ScientiaOmnisEst

I don't think I've really interacted with you much, but I do remember you talking about how you thought that sp 9s were seen as "simple" and not very intellectual people. I just wanted to let you know that, while sp 9s can be this way, they are also known for getting lost in/zoning out through hobbies, which can very well be intellectual in nature. You seem intelligent; don't let stereotypes about instincts make you question that.
I don't need the Enneagram to make me question my intelligence - the distaste for sp9 was more about being boring than unintelligent.

Now I just wonder what my actual stacking is. I get that it's a detail...
 
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