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How does an ISFJ, as a sensor, learn to speak an intuitive language? I appreciate any input, particularly from ISFJs who have gone through this process.
It's been five very long and unhappy years since I first began my relationship with my ISFJ. At this point we're heading towards divorce because neither of us believe this gap can be bridged and haven't seen it happen since day one. From the beginning, I ignored my need for intellectual depth because he had so many other lovely qualities about him. I believe that in general ISFJs are lovely people.
I believe that regardless of being an intuitive, I can speak his language, which is essentially small talk. However, I have not yet seen him speak intuitively to me. Actually, let me correct myself. It happens several times a year for a couple minutes each at best. When I mean intuitive, I mean a certain intellectual depth. Where one considers possibilities and ideas and relates it back to themselves but with a grain of insight.
I've tried everything I could think of. In the beginning of our relationship, we argued daily. I think it was because I noticed that he would be emotionally (not intellectually) intuitive when we argued. But it was incredibly toxic. I was at my most fulfilled when he was at his lowest. I stopped doing that.
I tried being patient with him and praising him. While it seemed to make him talk more, he did not speak intuitively.
I tried denying that I had this need for depth for the longest time. I threw myself into my work and my friends. I thought talking to them would help satisfy this need. But no, what I long for is to have this deep connection with him. I want to be able to paint a picture of complexity with him, understand why and how he does everything, know every part of his mind. But every time I try to do so, every time I ask what is on his mind or what he's feeling, it's always, "Nothing." I am left with a blank canvas and it is so utterly dissatisfying. Anyone can know him on a superficial level.
I tried changing myself, only engaging in small talk. But I became profoundly unhappy... It was like my mind, the part of me that makes me feel most alive, shut down completely and I stopped thinking. When I would look at, for instance a wall, I would simply think "wall."
Lately, I've been asking him very pointedly, "What does this mean to you?" Because often if and when he rarely does talk, it will be like talking to a Google search engine, or a Wikipedia article. But for some reason when I guide him like this, he shuts down completely. I believe that I should not express my opinions, or any opinion aside from complete acceptance, even if I just really want to see how his mind works. It's just disappointing and frustrating because I've been withholding my opinions for so long, afraid that absolutely everything I do will make him figuratively bleed.
I'm tired of this lack of connection. While both he and I know that I can make him happy, I myself seem to be profoundly unhappy with this situation.
Any advice is appreciated. At this point neither me or the ISFJ believes this can work. I know INTPs and ISFJs have their cognitive functions in reverse, but while I'm starting to develop my Fe, I have not seen him move past Si or Fe. It almost seems hopeless. But I'd like to believe that there are other sensors who have gone through the same thing and that they know better than we do.
It's been five very long and unhappy years since I first began my relationship with my ISFJ. At this point we're heading towards divorce because neither of us believe this gap can be bridged and haven't seen it happen since day one. From the beginning, I ignored my need for intellectual depth because he had so many other lovely qualities about him. I believe that in general ISFJs are lovely people.
I believe that regardless of being an intuitive, I can speak his language, which is essentially small talk. However, I have not yet seen him speak intuitively to me. Actually, let me correct myself. It happens several times a year for a couple minutes each at best. When I mean intuitive, I mean a certain intellectual depth. Where one considers possibilities and ideas and relates it back to themselves but with a grain of insight.
I've tried everything I could think of. In the beginning of our relationship, we argued daily. I think it was because I noticed that he would be emotionally (not intellectually) intuitive when we argued. But it was incredibly toxic. I was at my most fulfilled when he was at his lowest. I stopped doing that.
I tried being patient with him and praising him. While it seemed to make him talk more, he did not speak intuitively.
I tried denying that I had this need for depth for the longest time. I threw myself into my work and my friends. I thought talking to them would help satisfy this need. But no, what I long for is to have this deep connection with him. I want to be able to paint a picture of complexity with him, understand why and how he does everything, know every part of his mind. But every time I try to do so, every time I ask what is on his mind or what he's feeling, it's always, "Nothing." I am left with a blank canvas and it is so utterly dissatisfying. Anyone can know him on a superficial level.
I tried changing myself, only engaging in small talk. But I became profoundly unhappy... It was like my mind, the part of me that makes me feel most alive, shut down completely and I stopped thinking. When I would look at, for instance a wall, I would simply think "wall."
Lately, I've been asking him very pointedly, "What does this mean to you?" Because often if and when he rarely does talk, it will be like talking to a Google search engine, or a Wikipedia article. But for some reason when I guide him like this, he shuts down completely. I believe that I should not express my opinions, or any opinion aside from complete acceptance, even if I just really want to see how his mind works. It's just disappointing and frustrating because I've been withholding my opinions for so long, afraid that absolutely everything I do will make him figuratively bleed.
I'm tired of this lack of connection. While both he and I know that I can make him happy, I myself seem to be profoundly unhappy with this situation.
Any advice is appreciated. At this point neither me or the ISFJ believes this can work. I know INTPs and ISFJs have their cognitive functions in reverse, but while I'm starting to develop my Fe, I have not seen him move past Si or Fe. It almost seems hopeless. But I'd like to believe that there are other sensors who have gone through the same thing and that they know better than we do.