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I recently installed a dating app where you can fill out a few things about yourself and the app will automatically match you with someone that is 'compatible'. In the beginning the photos are blurred, but after talking for some time they will become visible. Seems like a good app because I can literally weed out all the people that are interested in partying and other things I have no interest in.

I got a match and someone added me, but I pussied out. I'm scared. Let me tell you about my current situation first.
Certain things that are completely out of my control are changing around me and all hell will break loose very soon. The only thing that I can do is get out of here before it's too late. (I won't go into too much detail because it's really not what this thread is about) but basically I'm on the grind all day, every day. I have a constant feeling of impending doom. I can't enjoy videogames or watch TV shows or something when I'm about to be totally fckd right? I can't enjoy time with friends or family because I would rather be productive. I have greater goals to achieve. Huge things to accomplish. I need to fight for a better future. The clock is ticking.
My life is 100% focused on self-improvement. I started lifting weights to improve my body, started reading books to get smarter. I want to master every skill, cooking, playing piano, and I want it now. I get seriously pissed off when I can't play that song perfect. I realized this might have happened because of a certain rejection (or multiple, but there is one that sticks out) earlier on in my life. I'm really really scared to be rejected again. And so I'm constantly working on perfecting myself. Even though I know perfection is impossible and I seriously couldn't care less if my partner would be imperfect. I can't ask it of anyone really, so why do I still demand it from myself?

At the same time I'm getting older and my friends and family are somewhat pushing me into finding a girlfriend. Understandable, not only because they don't want me to reach 30 being a virgin, but also because she might actually be able to help me with my struggles in ways that my family can't. Here's the thing, who would want to date a mess though? I need to fix my situation first. Get happy (ok, at least happier), have the ability to make her laugh instead of making her depressed just by being around me and most importantly, have the ability to love myself. Only then will I be able to love someone else right?
On the other hand, I'm afraid I might actually NEED her right now because I won't be able to fix myself all alone and I will be stuck down here forever..

What do I do? :confused3:
 

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You will improve yourself by ceasing to try to be happy, by accepting imperfection and quitting to panic over a future that is not here. Happiness lies in accepting that there is, and will always be, unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Imperfection is inevitable in life. Most of the time you will be best able to affect the future by not preoccupying over it. You don't have to be in control. Let go, and let your mind act as the tool it is designed to be. Don't be the hammer; use the hammer.

I know I make it sound easy, but that's the thing: it's so very easy it's not acceptable to the mind. Imagine a movie screen. It's blank by itself, right? This is your mind as it is. You can project images on the screen. These are the contents of your mind. You are the screen, yet you identify as the movie. The movie - emotions, preoccupations, judgments - is only a projection, it isn't real per se. It appears to be very real, but it's only a movie. You make it true for yourself, and command over this is entirely within your reach.

You are not your mind. You are not your fears, your wants, your anger, your joy, your preoccupations. You are not your body. You are, however, the one that perceives all of those things, the one apart from everything you perceive. You are timeless, yet you identify with the emotions, thoughts and perceptions that you create for yourself. This is the crux of all mankind.

Of course, the road to freedom will probably be a long one, as it is for most of us. Sit down and let your mind be. At first, it will likely be very difficult to let your mind rest. Place your attention on simply breathing in and out. Whatever thoughts and emotions emerge are fine. Try to be aware of your self-judgments, fears and dissatisfactions as they come and go. Do not force it. Let them come and go at their own pace. If you find yourself clinging onto a thought, simply return your attention to your breathing. Do this for five minutes a day. The progress will be slow, and you won't notice the difference until after a long time.
 
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My life is 100% focused on self-improvement. I started lifting weights to improve my body, started reading books to get smarter. I want to master every skill, cooking, playing piano, and I want it now. I get seriously pissed off when I can't play that song perfect. I realized this might have happened because of a certain rejection (or multiple, but there is one that sticks out) earlier on in my life. I'm really really scared to be rejected again. And so I'm constantly working on perfecting myself.
Rejected on the basis of what criteria of evaluation? What was the standard of measure? Not good enough at cooking and piano?
 

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What you say about learning to love yourself before being able to love another person is wise. But you're right in that sometimes other people can help us grow faster than we ever would alone. Everyone comes into a relationship with issues and everyone has baggage. No amount of working on non relational pursuits will change that. The only thing that can give you experience with relationships, is being in one. The right person for you will be willing to accept any real struggles you have and work on them with you. So long as you are willing to do the same for the other person is all that matters when it comes to entering a relationship. If you feel you're not in a place where you can offer that to another person in return, then you might not be ready for a relationship. There's a type of interdependence about it so no one is getting taken advantage of and it's not lop-sided. There will be times you're struggling more than the other person of course and vise versa but I think you know what I mean. Don't worry about what your friends and family say. There's much more to a relationship than sex or losing your virginity. What do YOU want? I assume you want a relationship but I figured I would say that just to be sure. Focus on these things and don't worry about what they think will make you happiest. They may offer some insight but at the end of the day, they're not you. I think it's obvious why you try to be perfect in all these other areas and you already answered it yourself by bringing up the rejection. It's a defense mechanism and sounds some what compulsive. I know it's easier said than done but try to forgive those people for hurting you (if they did) and let it go. In a way, they did you a favor because they prevented you from wasting time on the wrong person for you. The right person will accept you despite any of your flaws but then love you enough to help you work on them too.
 

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It's really hard to find someone who you can be happy with unless you're happy with yourself first. Frantically trying to change things about yourself that have nothing to do with who you really are, like muscle mass and skills like cooking won't help you too much to find peace with yourself.

(maybe if you're ENTJ or something, but not for an INFJ)
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So, you're right about people not wanting to date a mess. And the ones that do, will start disliking you for it pretty soon. Don't worry about any time limits. You'll be ready when you're ready. There's loads of people out there that also haven't found the one yet. That's not age-specific.

So my advice is: chill out, ride the storm and try to pick up the pieces. Once you feel like you're back together again with yourself, try to find someone nice. Forcing things like this more often than not leads to ruin.
 

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You'll always be improving yourself in your life. I would say be open to something if it comes along your way even if you don't feel like your ready. No one will be ready but if you have some personal or mental issues you want to to work out first feel free to do that.
In the end your heart will know when your ready so try not to let your head and heart be to much in contention here but don't worry about your decision. Everyone is capable of being in a fulfilling relationship no matter their current circumstances. :)
 
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