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So I'm 35 and finding myself starting over again in life. I left the military after over 10 years last year and thought I had a plan going forward and also got into the first relationship I had been in in long time at the same time. This epidemic has turned everything on it's head though. The plan I was on no longer makes sense and the relationship sadly recently ended. I find myself so far in life now without really being anywhere professionally or personnaly. As ready as I was to leave the military it at least gave me purpose and connections. It didn't feel as traumatic at first when I left because it wasn't long until I started with her and she became my joy and focus. Ultimately that's what killed the relationship because I was too wrapped up in her. I'm going to go back to school online try to start in a new career but a part of me keeps asking why. Sometimes it feels like I'm just living to live. I guess this post has become more of just a venting but I just wonder if any other INFJ's have found themselves at this point. How do you handle being alone in you're adult life and starting over especially when it feels like you've fallen behind?
 

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I’m 55 now, but certainly remember what it’s like to face an uncertain future alone.

I see you’re in the USA. I admire you for your service. I suggest that you come up with a personal development plan, as you have a lot going for you. Take control of what you can. It seems that there aren’t enough good guys out there. Build up your personal capital and be a good guy.

  • I assume you qualify for GI Bill education benefits. If so, use them very deliberately.
  • Be a good friend. Maintain contact with people that are really important to you. I know there’s a pandemic, but do whatever you can to get together.
  • Get out and meet people. Less screen, more real life.
  • if you know how to do anything valuable, consider starting a service business. If you don’t, but are a hands on guy, learn a skill. If you are good at something, and a good guy, it’s easy to sell your service and get people to refer friends and family.
  • Learn how to invest. It’s easy. Simply spend less than you earn. Bogleheads.org is an excellent website for free, honest information about structuring your finances.
  • Be positive and optimistic. Ignore the news if you have to.
  • Develop your sense of humor. Watch comedies or, better yet, read funny shit. Your wit will be more agile.
  • Eat your veggies. Excercise. You don’t need to be a muscle head, just take care of your body so you can live a long and healthy life.
  • Be humble. Don’t be flashy. Be dependable. Be mentally stable, and someone people know they can count on.
I’ve gone on long enough. I hope I’ve given you some reassurance and that you start thinking about all of the opportunity you have in front of you. I think your romantic prospects will significantly improve as a consequence of your taking action in your life.
All the best!
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I’m 55 now, but certainly remember what it’s like to face an uncertain future alone.

I see you’re in the USA. I admire you for your service. I suggest that you come up with a personal development plan, as you have a lot going for you. Take control of what you can. It seems that there aren’t enough good guys out there. Build up your personal capital and be a good guy.

  • I assume you qualify for GI Bill education benefits. If so, use them very deliberately.
  • Be a good friend. Maintain contact with people that are really important to you. I know there’s a pandemic, but do whatever you can to get together.
  • Get out and meet people. Less screen, more real life.
  • if you know how to do anything valuable, consider starting a service business. If you don’t, but are a hands on guy, learn a skill. If you are good at something, and a good guy, it’s easy to sell your service and get people to refer friends and family.
  • Learn how to invest. It’s easy. Simply spend less than you earn. Bogleheads.org is an excellent website for free, honest information about structuring your finances.
  • Be positive and optimistic. Ignore the news if you have to.
  • Develop your sense of humor. Watch comedies or, better yet, read funny shit. Your wit will be more agile.
  • Eat your veggies. Excercise. You don’t need to be a muscle head, just take care of your body so you can live a long and healthy life.
  • Be humble. Don’t be flashy. Be dependable. Be mentally stable, and someone people know they can count on.
I’ve gone on long enough. I hope I’ve given you some reassurance and that you start thinking about all of the opportunity you have in front of you. I think your romantic prospects will significantly improve as a consequence of your taking action in your life.
All the best!
Thanks. Strangely enough your list covers a lot of what I'm trying right now. It's just the meeting people part is kind of hard here and the break up is still pretty fresh. I just needed to vent a little I guess.
 

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I met my wife long before internet dating. Pandemic aside for now, but are there any coed sports leagues (softball, soccer, volleyball, etc.) in your community? In our day part time jobs at a bar/restaurant or seasonal business were a great way to meet people. Tend bar a night or two a week. It seems many bright, motivated women are part time servers at bars, restaurants, resorts, etc.

I’m sure the breakup is like a neutron bomb which destroyed all of the important stuff while leaving everything else standing. You don’t sound like an obsessive creepy guy to me. If you layed it on too thick, you may have to learn to back off a bit. If you simply treasured this girl, when you meet the next one be yourself. The right one will love being your “joy and focus”. If you’re both psychologically sound, positive people you’ll bring out the best in each other without even trying. No one lets a relationship like that go.

Carry on, my INFJ brother.
 

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Don't get too attached to ideals of what society says you "should" be doing at this point at your life. Focus on the every day. Do you have money to pay the bills? (Or, in case of getting training, are you getting training towards a job that should be able to pay your bills comfortably in future?) Then you're okay.

Do you have companionship? Maybe not at the moment, but that's also okay. What's your roadblock to getting companionship? You don't know anyone? Go out and meet people. (A bit harder in a pandemic, but there's online dating at least.) You feel insecure about something about yourself? Investigate that a little, see if it's something you can change, or just something to accept about yourself.

Might also be worth it to look into other things that help you enjoy life beyond companionship. What's on your bucket list? Do you have a hobby? Is there a hobby you'd like to start? Those are good things to invest your time in. And also can be a way of meeting someone, at a club for that kind of hobby or whatever...!
 

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How would you like to feel in your life now?
What can you do to accomplish those feelings?

A career is yours for the taking if you want it. Maybe you're not sure what exactly you'd like to do?
Would you like to find a way to travel instead? I have a friend that "works from home" and just travels constantly, she can work wherever the wifi is.

There's many other ways and lifestyles then just doing school and having a career with a house, and car, and commute, and with weekends off, etc.

Personally, it scares me to be locked into one job for years on end, only having relief once you retire. I'm finding alternative ways to live, and also support myself.

Whatever you choose, do it for you. Not for anyone else.
 

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So I'm 35 and finding myself starting over again in life. I left the military after over 10 years last year and thought I had a plan going forward and also got into the first relationship I had been in in long time at the same time. This epidemic has turned everything on it's head though. The plan I was on no longer makes sense and the relationship sadly recently ended. I find myself so far in life now without really being anywhere professionally or personnaly. As ready as I was to leave the military it at least gave me purpose and connections. It didn't feel as traumatic at first when I left because it wasn't long until I started with her and she became my joy and focus. Ultimately that's what killed the relationship because I was too wrapped up in her. I'm going to go back to school online try to start in a new career but a part of me keeps asking why. Sometimes it feels like I'm just living to live. I guess this post has become more of just a venting but I just wonder if any other INFJ's have found themselves at this point. How do you handle being alone in you're adult life and starting over especially when it feels like you've fallen behind?
You haven't fallen behind, not at all. People start their life over at 50. Doesn't mean all your life experiences aren't meaningful. I think it's better to see life as a journey rather than a destination. This is your chance to learn more about yourself and maybe spend some time getting to know new types of people or exploring new aspects of yourself. Follow that famous INFJ intuition.
 
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