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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am beginning to wonder if it's really possible/feasible for an INTJ to stay in a long term relationship.

Early last year I went through a divorce - I don't know what his personality type was, but it definitely had WAAAY too much emotion for my INTJ to handle... and his alcoholism sent me running after I analysed it, took all the knowledgeable steps to help and support his recovery, and failed. I was so happy to be free - to be ALONE.

And in less than a year from ending that relationship, I met an ENTJ while just seeking to find similar minded people as friends, and we fell very much in love. She has two children, one of which is the most emotionally draining children I have ever met who requires a LOT of emotional interaction (something which I can NOT give because I do NOT have). Things like recurring statements of "I love you..." [then waiting for equal response back] and "Can I have a hug?" about every 30 minutes...

My ENTJ and I are like two peas in a pod, enjoy working on sudoku puzzles together and playing our PS3 games, having rousing debates on whatever topic piques our interests... however more and more often I dread coming home because I can't handle the all the interaction her daughter needs. It's to the point where I feel so drained all the time that I don't even have patience for the modest amount of talk-time my ENTJ wants...

Plus the E in my ENTJ will call me at work and just talk and talk, and I tend to tune her out a lot, then I get in trouble because she asks a question and I didn't hear it. Doesn't she know I'm working on three projects at my desk AND thinking about 6 impossible things right now??

I really enjoy the relationship I have with her... and I cannot imagine what kind of psychological damage I will do to her children if I leave them. But I need to be alone. I LIKE being alone. When it's just her and I, I feel alone. I can read or play video games for hours without her interrupting or getting upset by my "ignoring her". But I cannot hang out in the common rooms of my house (where the food, video games, books, etc are) with the children there unless I want to also interact - which I almost never do.

I keep thinking maybe I'm just never supposed to be in a serious relationship with anyone. Is it really possible for INTJs to have healthy, long-term relationships? Is it normal that an INTJ would end what is a perfect relationship so they can live alone/secluded? Am I just missing something? *gaack* I think I need to go read some more books on emotionally needy children and how to maintain a healthy family when you secretly want to be a hermit...

Any advice? Thoughts? Views?
 

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Have you thought of getting rid of the children?



OK OK I am kidding. Hmm, talk to her about it, she may have some suggestions. You may think that this will damage the relationship, that she might freak out or something, but if you are already considering breaking up anyway, you might as well bring it to her attention first.

I don't know if INTJs in general are capable of long term relationships or if, on average, they are less so than most of the other types.
 

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My Dad's an INTJ and he's been happilly married for over 21 years, and has 2 children. Though he is married to a self-sacrificing ISFJ.
 

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The best thing to do would be to talk about it with your significant other. Or you can go the opposite way and try to make it work. I know this isn't an INTJ thing but if you really like your ENTJ as much as it sounds like you do, then you need to accept the fact that she has kids and that you treat them like YOUR kids. Otherwise you will never get over it. Or you can take the route you suggested and just be alone.
 

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I think you need to take a step back and re-evaluate what YOU want out of a relationship(s). At any rate, to me it sounds like you bit off more than you could chew. On the whole long term relationship thing, there are other options and styles when it comes to relationships. I think you need to realize that you can mold your relationship the way you want and there are options out there, but you need to start digging. It doesn't seem like this relationship fits you, from what little information was presented.
 

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It sounds to me that its not a relatonship you cant handle, its being a Dad that you cant/dont want to do.
Its unfortunate that your ENTJ already comes as a packae with children, but know this, you will never be as important to her as her kids are.
I honestly think you'd be better off leaving this relationship before these children become any more attached to you, and your ENTJ too.
You seem to need a relationship with a childless person.
Nothing wrong with wanting a quiet childfree life with a like minded patner. it is wrong however, to expect an Extraverted person to turn her life and ways of being upside down to accomodate your need for tranquility.
Look for another INTX, preferably a childless one.
G. x
 

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I don't think it's that INTJs can't, or you can't, but it doesn't sound like this relationship is right for you. Any way you could continue the relationship with all of them but not live with them? Sounds like that's what's getting to you... not having your own space and free time away from the constant emotional demands of this child (who will probably outgrow the extreme neediness, how old is she?). I would try that before ending things outright. I think with any time decompress from the demands of living full-time with a family you will feel better and have more energy to give what you can to your mate, and the kids.

There are compromises you can make but it doesn't seem healthy for you to try to change yourself. It might work to keep you all together, but you shouldn't have to feel drained and socially assaulted all the time in your own house.

I love kids, but I haven't tried to parent them yet. I don't seem to find them emotionally and socially draining like I do adults (animals are similar - I can give attention to needy animals all day).

I've been in a LTR for 6 years. I like it a lot, but of course it's got to be with the right person. I think INTJs are more uncompromising that a lot of types, if it doesn't work and we're not happy, we have a better ability to end things for good reasons. We're generally not afraid to be alone.
 

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i really feel incapable of sustaining a long term relationship

i just get sooooo complacent
 

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My brother is an INTJ, as is one of my best friends.

My brother is married to another INTJ and they have 3 kids. They've been married for about 10 years now and are the most playful, dynamic couple. They just get each other really well and have no problem taking a bit of light teasing from each other....mostly from my brother's end. :p They've struggled a lot with their careers and moving around a lot, but they still maintain a stable, relaxed home....and their kids (oldest almost 8) are absolute sweethearts. They met when they were kids and just kind of stayed friends forever....and it grew into love. <3

My friend is married to an INFJ. They've been married for 7 years. They spend a lot of time together just hanging out and playing video games. They also tease each other, but the INFJ is the more dominant of the two....poor, poor INTJ getting harassed by his wife and all of her friends....whatever will he do surrounded by all of those women, giving him attention? :p Their home is also very relaxed....they want stability, but they've had a number of issues with housing and getting settled into a permanent place - they met online in a chatroom and roleplayed together for a while before they met in person - after they got married the INFJ moved to the INTJ's state, then they both moved to the INFJ's state a year later, and after a few more years they moved to a completely different state for the INFJ to go to school.....and in the process there have been some hurdles.


I guess what I can say from my observations of INTJs in relationships.....an INTJ needs a relationship that is a team effort. Trust is important in any relationship, but it's definitely a dealbreaker for the INTJ. Not even just the ability to trust the other person....but knowing that they can trust you is vital. INTJs can handle any situation, and it's a helpless feeling to not even know what someone you care about is going through. Also...there needs to be a relaxed atmosphere where things can be said - communication is important for every relationship, but the how is a big deal for INTJs. Letting something stew to the point where it just explodes or worse, turns the other person frigid and unresponsive is no way to keep a happy, healthy relationship. >.> Not to say that an INTJ can't read between the lines even when nothing is said, but not even they are psychic.....and avoidance only creates tension that's unnerving to the INTJ. Finally, respect is SOOOO important to a relationship, especially with an INTJ. If an INTJ doesn't respect a person, they don't really see a need to maintain any sort of relationship....and an INTJ who isn't respected by someone they care about feels hurt, confused, and eventually bitter about it.
 

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Just an idea... and sorry I didn't read the whole thread cus it's late and I'm sleepy so sorry if someone already said it, I think you should engage the child by walking her through the whole personality type thing. Make it an age-appropriate fun project for just you and her. Girl, right? Be honest with her about your reasons. Say something like, "You know, I cherish you and our family/togetherness/whatever you all refer to your situation as, I really have come to respect the person you are growing into, and I know that I might not share as much of myself as you would like. There's a reason for that, it's not intentional..." yadda yadda go on at whatever length you feel comfortable with depending on her attention span. "I think that I would like to share some knowledge with you about a great way to understand people, how to relate to them, and how to understand me and the things that motivate me. And it can help me learn more about you." It can be like a fatherly thing, you can have conversation about how when she's grown she'll have to work with others who are not like her and are driven by different needs and have different goals, and you'd like to help her learn how to accept others and understand them now, because it's your job as an adult in her life to help prepare her for successful adulthood. Depending on her likes, show her websites like this, books, or just go people-watching and introduce different subjects as you come across them. I really think it will help you feel as if you've let her know that you need more you time, it will help her feel like she's loved and you've shared something with her, and hopefully it will work and get her to quit nipping at your heels all the time. Not right away of course. I know, it's really nerve rattling sometimes to have to constantly deal with people when you don't want to but look at it as an embracing of your adult ability to teach the younger generation and contribute to acceptance of all. Perhaps you'll plant a seed in her mind and she'll carry it into adulthood. I'm excited for you I hope you do this and it works well and you all look at each other with a new respect and learn how to cater to each other's emotional/intellectual needs accordingly, that IS part of being a family I think.
 

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...and you tried batting for the other team as well. Usually that's my first piece of advice when it comes to a long stream of failed relationships. Maybe you really are a prime example for someone who would just be better living in a cave. I mean, the internet signal would probably be bad...but you would have solidarity right?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 · (Edited)
I want to start out by thanking everyone profusely for your responses. I really apprecaite the input!!

To clarify, I'm a woman, and our house is a family of girls, as my ENTJ partner has two daughters. So in this case, I'm not filling the role of father, rather of second mother... that being the case, we both fill both roles (mother and father). And as an FYI - the children are accustomed to having two moms, as their mother has been openly gay since their toddler years.

I'm happy to know that there are other INTJs out there who have very successful LTRs (and I know even successful LTRs aren't without their bumps along the way). My ENTJ is "E" in her thought patterns, and not in her social life, so when the weekend rolls around, we both want to hole up at home and play video games together or work on a project together. I really have no questions that she and I are really right for each other. We've been together over a year and never once had a "real" argument - I've never once felt the need to "just get away" from her, like I have with every other person (friend or family) in my life.

"greco" & "Goodewitch" - No, I have not thought of getting rid of the children - is there an easy way to do this? ;) Seriously though, I went into this relationship knowing from day one that they will always come first for her, and I have no problems with that. I would actually have a problem if it were not so, as I would lose respect for her as a mother and a person and this relationship would never have worked.

I stepped out of my Introvertedness this weekend and decided to stop trying to reason my way through my thought process alone/internally... so I talked to my ENTJ about my struggles. She knows I am drained by her youngest (10 yrs) daughter, as is she. I had come up with the idea that it might really help if we finished a room in the basement (my geek cave) where I can go to be alone - other than our bedroom, I have no room in the house that is not shared. She agreed that this might be an excellent solution and was very happy I wasn't just sitting down to talk with her to let her know I was leaving her.

"HisMrsL" - thank you. I did explain to my ENTJ that I plan to talk to her daughter. My struggle in that is she is tends to be very emotional, so I have to be careful not to state something that will cause her to feel that I am accusing her of making me angry (arg - too many emotions!!!). Also, she is very "Orange" (if you've ever learned about 'the colors' personality types) - orange is very random and scattered - some may look at an orange and consider them ADHD. So trying to explain a deeper concept like what an INTJ is will take some figuring out, to put it into something simple enough that she will actually listen to what I'm saying and not tune me out and change the subject to whatever shiney thing catches her attention at the time. But I will be talking with her and over time trying to explain my interovertedness and my "needs" for alone time so she does not take them personally.

Her other daughter (also an Introvert) is much more like my personality. She's 12 and she's happiest curled up next to me on the couch , each with our own books in hand, and not saying a word to each other - though once in a while we go off on some semi-intellectual tangents. I grew up in a house full of kids (once I was old enough to babysit, my mom popped out 4 kids in a row). I don't mind kids (I even like them at times - LOL), I just can't handle emotional constipation in people (big or little), and our 10 year old has it in abundance. But I am determined to work on this because I love my ENTJ and truly enjoy and appreciate being with her - and part of the family.
 

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She has two children, one of which is the most emotionally draining children I have ever met who requires a LOT of emotional interaction (something which I can NOT give because I do NOT have). Things like recurring statements of "I love you..." [then waiting for equal response back] and "Can I have a hug?" about every 30 minutes...Any advice? Thoughts? Views?
in a few years (prob about 2 or 3) fear not this 10 year old will turn into a sulky teenager who locks herself in her room and only emerges to eat and when you talk to her will either grunt at you incoherently or yell at you that she hates you you dont understand her and its all so unfair....:laughing:
 

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And even the most emotionally needy children really just need to know that everything is going to be ok. I imagine she's just terrified that every person who enters her life is just going to leave, so she clings on for dear life to those connections. >.> She may even blame herself for not having a stable family unit - feelings aren't logical. First and foremost, I'd let her know for sure that whatever happens you still care about her. You don't have to be squishy and full of emotional cotton candy and false statements of affection....just be stable and consistent with her. I think that's why my brother's kids can still be happy and emotionally stable even after completely uprooting twice and leaving all of their friends (and extended family on the first move) - because my brother and his wife are so consistent and stable.
 

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My aunt is ISFJ and her husband is INTJ. They have been together for nearly 30 years now. So yes it is possible for INTJ to stay in a long term relationship but it was not a smooth ride. They were contemplating divorce after spending about 10 years together, which was primary idea of her INTJ husband. But life threw them some rough patches that they had to overcome together, and another baby. This outside adversity and concern for their new child united them more so they kept together rather than following through with the divorce. He did end up cheating on her though with another woman around same time whom he thought he will marry after divorcing her, but out of practical concern for her children she ended up forgiving him for it.
 
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