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Hey that’s not okay... that’s definitely sexual assault, if she did those things without your consent. And no, being too shy or scared to refuse her does not count as consent. It has to be an enthusiastic and sober yes. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s totally normal that you feel bad after that. Is there anyone you trust who you can talk to about this? What she did is illegal and you could report her if you want to. But at the very least talking to a counselor if you can find one is a good start. Sending hugs.
I know it's not okay, but i'm not planning on doing something about it... It's just so weird and disgusting. I felt really disgusting back than.
 

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Is ADHD Medication Affecting My Weight?

Lol, i have an ED and the doctor prescribes me diet medication lol, and it works for me.
 

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I know it's not okay, but i'm not planning on doing something about it... It's just so weird and disgusting. I felt really disgusting back than.
Well if you ever feel comfortable enough to do so, I'd consider it. People say this all the time so I'll probably sound like a broken record but she sounds crazy as hell and there's no way she wouldn't try to do that to someone else. However I understand that right now it's probably way too traumatizing to want to think about it more than you've had to.
 

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the fuck knows, I'm tired
-----------------------------------------

moving, moving,
life keeps on moving
trends
trends in music
trends in theme
trends in every colour and tone and style

that ad,
the one that just played
its angles and its tune, they'll be dated
give it a year
we will wonder how we ever fell for it

why are we drawn to trends?
the fresh becomes repetitive
it loses its magic
magic is power, but only temporarily

But timelessness? timelessness prevails
we know this already
why do we discard the knowledge we already have? why do we still want more

the best songs have been made
when can we enjoy it
the music

when will it be still?
is this why I get ill?
does life want me to stop moving first?

listen

And love and peace
what of it?
the more we try the less of it there is

I just want to hide
it all gets monotonous

But I'll get bored
at some point
I will

And then I will move again, too

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
mm felt that. feels like such an INFP thing. sometimes it feels like I'm watching the world from the outside. and then i get pulled back into the tide.
 
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Irritated right now, but I don't wanna voice it in real life because I know I'm being rash/there's a good chance I'm PMSing.

It seems like I fear being depended on. And I know why; it's because in my mind there's not much difference between regularly depending on someone and using them. In other words I fear ulterior motives whether they're intentional or not.

I really can't stand people who say things like "I wouldn't have done that if she wasn't such a jerk" or "it's thanks to him that I was able to come this far." What, you mean you weren't capable of using your moral compass? Factually if you think like that, imagine what happens when whomever that person you were depending on leaves? You've basically opted to let that person map out the plan of your life. And people are always gonna disappoint you, just by nature. I would rather not need anyone like that to begin with, instead trying to just practice enjoying their company for as long as I have it. To me that would mean giving them the most authenticity.

My problem is that I'm so paranoid of dealing with needy people, who don't make it obvious how needy they are until later. And so when I have some suspicion that they're trying to cling, or that they're instead clinging to someone else who's fine with controlling them, I'm always super anxious about how that's going to effect me/my well-being. At that point it's like am I really talking to YOU and on YOUR time, or are you just showing me what you think is gonna get you what you want?

I don't think it's normal to be this fearful though. But I do know why I'm like this, & it's some trauma I really need to get over.
 

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What the heck is going on outside, with all those car doors banging?

How many times do you have to open and close a car door?

(too lazy to get up and look out the window, so I'll just write about it)

There is goes again! Dammit! :mad:
 

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I'm having the hardest time trying not to overthink. I realized a little earlier I was still doing it, and so far I'm doing a good job of not drifting back to the thing. I tend to fixate on topics that bother me, so, it's like, really hard haha.
 

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It's somewhat disappointing that people need their moral leaders to perform magic in order to convince them of the legitimacy of their preached morality, but then human rights are based on a mythos that breaks down under moral skepticism. They're not exactly written on a pair of stone tablets proven to have been provided by some god. So, we have our unsubstantiated moral systems currently, even if they're more sophisticated and humane. That is unless I'm mistaken. Has Hume's guillotine been resolved? Has Euthyphro's dilemma been reconciled? Has some metaphysics, such as platonic realism, been substantiated? Well, whatever. We used to establish moral legitimacy with magic, and now we also establish moral legitimacy with magic or, to be fair, with moral systems that might seem magical, but are really metaphors.

Personally, I like to think of morality as a social contract, which isn't at all original -- I like Rawlsianism currently, which is a social contract moral theory. But, in order to establish that contract, we're asked to engage in a hypothetical exercise that sounds a lot like imaginative thinking meant to establish moral legitimacy, which it is. It's just more honest than past examples of employing ostensible magic to establish moral legitimacy -- i.e. the divine right of kings, miracles, god-given rights, natural rights, blah, blah, blah.

Not that I'm disparaging human rights. They're congenial to my general loathing of bullying, cruelty, dehumanization, etc. I like Rawlsianism.
 

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You attempt to stand up for yourself, and you're "taking it too far." You attempt to be civil and you get walked on.

It's probably not that simple, I'm aware. But overall it's amazing to me how little people can understand your reactions to things when they do blatant shit to ignite it. I'm gonna start doing whatever I want as long as it seems justified to me because other people's guidelines don't seem to add up for anything; at least it'll then make some kind of sense to me. I figure it's not worth becoming depressed over otherwise. ✌
 

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I'm coerced into ambivalence by moral bullies who insist I follow their morality, which results in trauma I have to deal with in therapy. I can throw all the moral skepticism I want at them to tear down the hubris that facilitates their domineering approach. All their appeals to their ethos, mythos, and pathos won't convince me unless it congeals with my feelings.

I realize people attempt to disparage feelings with derogatory terms, such as "snowflake," which is abysmally ironic. When Tyler Durden in Fight Club used it as an imprecation, he was using it to break down individuality, and he was breaking down individuality in service to the cult he was masterminding. He was using the term to aid him in creating "useful idiots." Whether someone appreciates the idea of this cult more than the vacuity of consumerism, is neither here nor there, if they value individuality. Both catalyze abjectness.

To see people, who evidently think it's a good idea to use a term that was meant to facilitate cult conformity, use it to disparage the feelings of others is stunning. This is especially so in a culture that claims to value individuality.

To watch people harass others for daring to go against the group reminds me of my religious upbringing. I endured it until I fulminated and cut them off. I could never be sure of their friendship. The insincere smiles and gestures engendered an emotional dissonance that I feel to this day. Perfunctory mentors that feigned interest in me, only to capitulate their role as a mentor when they realized how sensitive and peculiar I was.

I was browbeaten into ostensible acquiescence, but beneath the coerced facade of low-brow stoicism was a dissident raging at being subjected to patronizing sermonizing and disdain.
 
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I feel more out of control with my eating lately. I should blame it on myself and my inferior self control so I take responsibility and change it. But it's so hard to avoid snacks and desserts that are available—because current societal issues are likely spurring me to get a dopamine boost through yummy food. And my allergy medicine makes me a very irritable person with depressed motivation. I'll try a different allergy med tomorrow.

I've gained 15 pounds over the past... well I guess it's been a year now. But the last 7 have been over the past three months. It's been irritating me because I don't have the desire to be active now. My jeans don't fit well, and I can feel my skin ripple where it never has before. I don't want to exercise and burn energy—I don't have extra energy. I just want to eat some snacks that I don't need. If food is present, I end up eating it. And food is present at normal mealtimes since I don't live by myself anymore—I used to just make food when I was hungry, which corresponded with my energy expenditure. Actual physical energy, not just mental.

I don't want to lose the weight because of the way I look. I want to lose it so I feel like I'm being healthy and responsible.
 

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mm felt that. feels like such an INFP thing. sometimes it feels like I'm watching the world from the outside. and then i get pulled back into the tide.
If you can relate, that at least makes two INFPs... yeahs basically! watching the world from the outside is a good way to put it, being an observer
 

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I wonder if anyone can love a woman who is melancholic, nostalgic and emotional...who is also highly intellectual.
To this day I feel to be a simpler person would be more of an advantage, in terms of attracting a life-partner.
It kinda hurts when I tell someone I'm naturally melancholic and they say "you're not really like that" or "it's not the real you"... I feel like well, actually, it is... All this tells me is that I am unacceptable the way I really am. I. don't. WANT. to. be. positive. And, I still want to be loved. Why is society so selfish this day that I or anyone should be expected to be happy-go-lucky before we deserve anything good?
 

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I've made the appointment to put Bella down. There is nothing else to say.
 

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God I did such a better job of handling myself in high school, which is a little sad. It was good that my reflex used to be to go on here or into OneNote and just write out what I was feeling. Now I go one YouTube and try to find something that will completely distract me. And nothing really works. It feels horrible. I'm trying to numb myself but it doesn't work. I don't know what to do with myself now. It's so hard to be trying to grow and still have all my old self pulling me back. I know in principle the only way out is through but it's no longer my habit to actually deal with my emotions for some reason. I mean, I know how to, I just don't. My habit is to look for social media to distract me. I'm acting exactly like the majority of people I used to spurn. I used to think I was better than them, better than that. Idk how this started. Idk why I started escaping out of myself instead of into myself like I used to.

I need to find my way out. I literally can't afford this bullshit anymore. I have emotional problems, though I don't think it's actually any kind of disorder. About once a week I become convinced that I've got to find myself a therapist. But I don't. I tried to email a few a couple months back but some didn't email me back, some I didn't email them back, some didn't take my insurance. Generally I'm quite skeptical of therapists for some reason. I assume they won't get it. I am still primarily a very skeptical, guarded person, as much as I try to be honest. I laugh as my guts spill on the floor. I laugh at them, and wonder why others aren't laughing with me. I try to paint it all and nothing makes sense. I'm just so tired of myself. I'm so tired of this shit. I just want to be the girl who eats strawberries in the sun. That's who I was last Thursday. I was happy for a day. Joyful, even. It was a taste of who I could be. Why can't I be that every day? What made that happen that day? Was it the sun? Was it the strawberries? Was it the new $50 in my PayPal account? Was it the hope? Was it friendship or connection? Yes, all of these. Why is it all so hard? Why is it just so hard to be happy? Even though I see myself as a fundamentally happy person. I'm haunted by my own duality. With the flip of a coin I am a field of wildflowers or suffocating in the sea. I well know how to get from the sunshine to the water but not vice versa. Just take a walk? Breathe? Meditate or something? Idk. I finally got myself some responsibilities and as soon as they appeared I'm escaping them again.

What the hell is wrong with me. Why can't I just be a functional human who at the very least does the things she promises.
 

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Generally I'm quite skeptical of therapists for some reason. I assume they won't get it. I am still primarily a very skeptical, guarded person, as much as I try to be honest.
You know, I was just the same. But I said to myself: ok, others have greater problems, they need therapists, I can handle myself. I'll cry a little when no one sees and they I'd get up to cheer up others.

On last Friday I got home from work. I went straight to bed, even though it was around 5 pm. And I just' couldn't get any reason to get up. And I couldn't get any reason to get up for the whole weekend. I shut down my social media, causing panic amongst my friends. I would respond to their texts that it's all fine, I have just decided to take a break. But it wasn't fine. I was tired, I was feeling as I didn't exited and as if anything else didn't exist. As if I watched a movie.

My friend from work called me on Monday. She has depression, she was on therapy and she is still going. I actually told her that I can't do anything. She told me to go to psychiatrist. I was unsure, because I had days like that before so why would this one be different. Then I made an appointment, because I was really sad.

I went there, there was a really nice lady. She asked me "Hello, So what brings you here?" To this I completely cracked up. She was asking me the right questions. As if she knew me before. When I heard diagnosis, I was terrified. All my presumptions that I ignored were right. When I left, I called that friend from work. Later I called my mom and I cracked up again. It is uncommon for me to start crying at the middle of the street but I was absolutely devastated.

Later that day I met with my best friend, we sat at the river banks in the sun. I finally realized, that I feel relief. Finally I know what is exactly wrong with me, and that there is a light in the tunnel.

Today is my first day on pills. Pills will start working after two weeks but I feel much better already. Not that I have a great power, I still spent half day in bed. But now I KNOW. I got a month sick leave. I told every friend that asked me. They KNOW. Nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of. I was offered so many shoulders to cry that I wasn't even aware they existed there for me.

And I've prepared a plan. What I am going to do when I actually start to feel better. With my moodiness I've ruined a couple of things recently. I'll try to fix that. But now I give myself time, just time processing that I'm not alone with an unknown problem.

So good luck with your decisions. Decide wisely.
 

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feeling like i am finally finding the power inside me to take care of all the destructive feelings that have been so unbearable in the past. i'm finallly learning to be present as is as it happens and allowing feelings that need to be felt to come through so it can be felt seen and leave if it wants to. i want to be that unconditional space. but also it kind of gets to me at times, like how can i move this slowly, when will i be able to take off with life again. i feel like ive been on hiatus for years now, and i never had a childhood to begin with. so when do i finally get to have all the things that i dreamed of?
 
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