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i'm feeling really worthless lately.
i am taking everything personally, anything could bring me to tears.
I've noticed that, if everyone truly judges everyone's worth based on how much money they have or make or how many material items etc (not how I judge others at all) - then I would be worth nothing.

This isn't how I judge others at all. But since losing my job due to the pandemic...I notice friends talking about material things like having your own house, blah blah, progressing in career. I notice I've never cared that much about any of it, nor did it cross my mind to worry about it. Until now. I have always just assumed that that kind of stuff will just fall into place in its own time. Now I wonder if I am mistaken as hearing talk of it from others is making me doubt myself and the way I live and what I prioritise. Maybe I'm really a disorganised mess. Who the hell would love that. Maybe I'm an idiot. Maybe I should have indeed been a gold digger, or something. It seems guys seem to like those kind of girls anyway.

I have no motivation to do anything.
 

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I want to grow, but I also want to be authentic. So stereotypical. Whatever.

Growth and authenticity can seem to conflict from the perspective of an observer. When a person is growing, it can seem inauthentic. When a person seems authentic, it could mean they're stagnating.

Am I stagnating? Am I growing? When I'm growing, what do other individuals say about that? What does what they say about my attempts at growth say about them? When I'm stagnating, what do other individuals say about that? What does what they say about my stagnation say about them?

Power games and hierarchy can obviously make growth difficult. It's in the interest of many of those further up the (often imaginary) hierarchy to keep people in "their place." It may be in the interest of some of those lower in the hierarchy or at the same level in the hierarchy to keep people stagnating. It's called a crab mentality, a metaphor I learned in therapy.

People.... I'm ambivalent in regards to people. I'm psychologically compelled to interact with them, but they, including myself, so frequently disappoint me.

It sometimes feels like I've been taken hostage by some people. What do they want in exchange for my freedom from social bondage? Everything, it seems. They want my integrity, dignity, self-esteem, self-respect, self-image, etc. In other words, they want to place me into a different form of social bondage. There are so many manipulative devices out there to take so much away -- to force people into social slavery. Oppressive narratives and life scripts. Excuse my boorishness, but fuck that shit.

Many people aren't even aware they're participating in it. How much am I participating in this sick game? I'm tired. I need to sleep.

I have therapy today. I never want to go to therapy because of reasons, but I usually feel much better afterward. The therapist I'm speaking with isn't overbearing and demanding, so that's a positive sign in accordance with my values.
 

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Ow, the UI of this site is different! (I didn't visit here for a long time). I am not sure if it's for better or not, let's see...
 
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bleh bleh-BLEH
ur type is my type
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i've spent a lot of quarantine just... reflecting and i've come to terms with parts of my identity i wish i hadn't before. for the longest time, i've always had this underlying martyr complex. it's not healthy but i base my self-worth off of how useful i think i am to others and i feel so vindicated in the preconceived notion that i'm as good or as loving or caring or compassionate or selfless as people tell me they think i am. and it's not that i want to imply that any of my actions are performative or somehow inauthentic... at least wholly but i would be lying if i said that those parts of myself aren't driven by my more selfish want for people to feel attached to me because the alternative is that they leave me.

which goes into this whole other issue of like... my push-and-pull with "attachment". i'm someone who feels things incredibly deeply and - in addition to my underlying martyr complex, have a complex about how i'll always be on the giving end of relationships. of loving others more than they could ever love me back. and it sucks. it really does. but at least it's comfortable... what sucks more, though, is the prospect that other people could love me and mean it and i wouldn't be able to reciprocate. there's this line from the chorus of one of my favorite songs (bad friends by rina sawayama) which goes "i'm so good at crashing in / making sparks and shit but then / i'm a bad friend" and ? i just feel like that encapsulates the nature of so many of my relationships so incredibly perfectly. and also just this bigger and - i think, more general fear of fearing intimacy whilst craving it. i'm good at connecting with other people but there's this part of me that - no matter who's it with, feels almost restricted or held back once i recognize that those connections are developing. i'm ashamed to say that some of the fall-outs in my life have primarily been a result of my "doing". while i've had fall-outs that were mutual or a result of circumstances out of either of our controls - i.e. distance, some of my fall-outs happened because i wasn't putting in as much effort or had simply stopped caring. i think there's a very real part of me that over-amplifies how attached i feel or how much i love to compensate for the idea that i don't feel either of those things as much as i should. i get bored easily and am always looking for new opportunities and experiences and i feel like that want conflicts with my ability to fully give all of myself in my long-term relationships. and then there's a whole other part of it. i feel like i have a self-destructive streak of, like... ruining something myself before it falls apart some other way because i can't stand the idea that it could fall apart some other way and that i'd only be postponing the inevitable. it's also just nicer to give into self-fulfilling prophecies because it makes me feel more in control of my life that way.
 

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I’m trying to figure out what to do about the whole people thing. I stopped doing the people thing, I have a few friends that I just message every few days or so depending... to meet bare minimum belonging requirements.

But I can’t deny the people thing is racked with complexities and unease and disappointment and expectation and failure and desire and love but also hate and disloyalty and betrayal and jealousy and fear and worry and the list just goes on. And I have to account for these realities and find a way to make it all work for me so that I’m not a helpless victim but someone able to navigate and move smoothly through it.
 

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I don't think sex is everything, but then again I'm still a virgin; probably because I'm demisexual. But flirting is really fun, can't imagine going without flirting for a long period of time. And even then, flirting isn't everything either. I think it's awesome to have someone there each day that values your relationship. Going without something like THAT for a long time is really tough
 

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As if putting my dog down wasn't enough now my Dad's on his death bed. Think I just wasn't meant to be. Done with this life.
 

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INFP 4w5 sp
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Now to recover after making a sandwich. Sometimes I can't stand to smell, touch, or even look at a tomato without feeling like I'm going to puke. shudder But the hubby loves them.
 

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I feel awake or super aware where reality sometimes seems dull, at least on this plane of existence. It's a lonely road for me at times.
 

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INFX 4w3
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I've tried to be as objective as possible and spend lots of time culminating my thoughts and knowledge of the world so that I can more effectively achieve this but I find I've continually found that there's not really that much of a specific end conclusion that you'll reach which suddenly somehow makes it easier to stop being philosophical or posses more finalized and certain views on topics so that I'm more effective in the world, and have an easier time communicating precisely and clearly but somehow I could be maybe like everyone else and since it seems like certain types of thoughts and such that could be associated with introverted feeling are seemingly considered useless by all the other types that do not posses it.

I then wonder what is the meaning and point of existence that one is supposed to adhere to or pursue? I can't help but think then that you can't really expect honest answers from most people and I am also left with the sense that we're moving closer to some undesirable future world
866638
 

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INFX 4w3
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You know it's not just consumerism and material wealth that most people are chasing either though, I guess. You hear observations that have been around for quite some time now, about basically the notion of the 'rat race' and trying to compete and somehow climb a corporate ladder and raise a top rung on a totem pole. But I realized, there's lots of other reasons one could compete but I guess they're probably not all that removed from each other.

I think there's this unspoken conclusion that I guess is quite easy to reach that is pervasive and I wonder if that's what's most popularly adhered to then. In a more capitalist society this is supposedly quite common, but I wonder if it's really inherently human nature or what causes it. I think what I struggle with though is differentiating between the idea of bettering oneself, or contributing with value to society, versus the pursuit of material wealth as a manner of conveying status or maybe even superiority over others. I guess that's where I realized that I think it's really easy to mistake or confuse the two and then that's one of my grievance with the left I guess.

They feel the need to hold back or suppress certain people because it's supposedly a negative influence on others, it influences other people to get jealous over each other and attempt to compete if there's somebody who is naturally motivated. You know some people are just naturally skilled at science or creative endeavors or naturally just really energetic and motivated. I don't get then why it seems to cause so much animosity and social unrest.
 

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MBTI has kept dominating my mind, constantly, and now I feel more confused at heart about who I am than ever. Everything feels muddled, like an illusion. I want to believe in the beauty of my mind but MBTI only forces me to confront my darkness, to roam into the vilest wounds of my heart and the most terrifying corridors of my mind. I would love to find fulfillment and meaning and true liberation in who I am, yet this endless question of my type keeps tormenting me. I believed I was an INFP for the longest time but now different cognitive functions keep submerging, memories glinting with different functions keep greeting my memories and leaving me so puzzled.

Even now I feel doubts and insecurities swallowing my words, biting at my thought, and feeling empty. I wish my mind could dazzle with thoughts the way it used to, but no more. I miss the beaming light of my heart on old winter's night when chestnut soup stirred in my soul as the sky birthed stars and childhood glimmered like candlelight in time. I miss the way I would let freedom unbridle my tongue and I miss the innocence of being young and unaware of the mind and its complexities.

I don't know what else to say. Everything else feels so empty and transparent. So much for being creative :(
 

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Apparently I haven't suffered enough in my life. Can't wait to be done with it.
 

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I'm writing here because I feel I have nowhere else to go, destitute and alone. I'm frightened of becoming completely possessed by lust. Of only flesh and blood, without seeing their stories, their hearts, their glimmers in my life. I never was a particularly lustful person and such attraction is rare, but the few cases that I do feel lust arise in me, it terrified me. People are beautiful, so much more than machines walking on this earth, left to rot. They are magical, they touch lives each in their own ways. At the core of how I saw humanity, I see it as comprised of magnificent and beautiful minds, all dazzling and distinct, all created to serve the world in their own way. But then, like people like my brother, I am afraid of my heart only chasing lust, the trivial pleasures of skin, the menial, shallow emotions that find us. I am afraid of only seeing flesh and bone. My fears don't have much founding because I never once fallen for a person based on their appearance, but the few times lust does discover me alarm me.

I also see so many beautiful people with woven thoughts and intricate minds and poetic hearts. It makes me wonder, am I truly one of them, a wave in this sparkling sea of people? I feel like my faith has shaped me into the seeker that I am in a way, though her seed always existed, learning about love and what the world holds and a Creator blossomed that. Without God, who would I be? Would I be a trivial, shallow person, only focusing on eye level? Why do I crave depth, beauty, magic the way I do? Is it who I was or who I have become?
 

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INFX 4w3
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I feel like there way a lot of people view the MBTI is kind of superfluous and artificial while there is actually whole theories dedicated to understanding in depth how people work, but yet most of white I see is quite on the surface, almost like astrology.
The difference I between isfps and infps (and maybe fi doms in general) is like “oh infps are dreamy“ I’m sure there’s a lot more to it then that.
 

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"Karma is concerned not only with the relationship between actions and consequences, but also the moral reasons or intentions behind actions"
 

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INFP 6w5 629
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Sometimes I go to sleep thinking that the world will have changed when I wake up. And it did, I just don't know in what way.
 

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INFP(?) 9w1 sp/sx ♀
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I actually really like wearing a mask in public. I like the patterns on my masks (paw prints, birds, and a red-and-white abstract pattern), so there's a self-expression element that appeals to me. My masks have also saved me from some pretty awkward moments; one time, I accidentally laughed at one of my brother's coworkers in public (I had been clued in on some funny workplace drama involving said coworker), but the guy couldn't tell that I was laughing at him because the mask concealed my mouth and muffled my chuckles.

Today's awkward moment was kind of terrifying, though. During my trip to the city today, I stopped by the pet store to get some bugs for my bearded dragon, and I saw a lady with a schnauzer that looked a lot like my childhood dog. (My dog was put down last year, and I had a very hard time with it.) I complimented the lady on her dog, and we made some small talk while we waited in line to check out. The conversation was mostly one-sided, as she was gushing about how great her dog is (rightfully so)... but I felt horrible because I started to cry and had to avert eye contact. The dog kept coming up to me and trying to get my attention, and I felt so bad for ignoring him, but I was afraid of giving him attention because I knew I'd be overwhelmed by the sadness and guilt I experienced when my dog died. There were cats at the front of the store, so I could have blamed my visible watery eyes on my cat allergies if anybody questioned me, but I was a total wreck beneath the mask (I'm an ugly-crying sniveler... disgusting). I felt the palpitations and shakes coming on as I left the store, but I managed to hold myself together as I held my breath and speed-walked back to my car. Had I lacked a mask, I might have had a full-blown panic attack in the store.

The whole event served as a rather scary reminder of how fragile I really am. My dog died a year ago, and I still can't see a schnauzer in public without crying. I thought the pain had finally come to an end two months ago, but it still evidently hurts so badly. (Two months ago, my best friend told me a story about death while we were on a Discord call, and I relived the day my dog died as she told it to me. I broke down pretty badly and thought my reaction was profound enough to get the sadness and guilt out of my system for good.) I've realized that I could be subtly reminded of a traumatic event or troubling emotion at any time and fall apart at a wildly inappropriate time and place; I could embarrass myself, and I could scare or otherwise disturb people.

On the subject of grief, my maternal grandmother died last month, and I still haven't emotionally processed it because I couldn't go to the funeral on the other side of the country. I had a dream about her (and my dog) last night, and I can't think about it without crying. I don't like to think about how vulnerable I truly am, but I'm terrified of having all those unprocessed feelings hit me at inappropriate moments. I know they're going to be processed--felt--at some point... they're going to crush me like a falling piano as my intense feelings always do, and all I can do is hope that they strike at a time when I'm alone and can't disturb other people or humiliate myself.

There are so many things that I'm experiencing at the core, but I'm afraid to make them real--to feel their full intensity as they spontaneously manifest because those moments are so embarrassing and uncontrollable. I'm sad. I'm guilty. I'm terrified. I hate breaking down under these scary truths so dramatically and unpredictably. And I'm not even going to talk about everything else I've felt and experienced beyond the deaths and the unprocessed grief because I'd probably be here for several hours. I'm tired of being so damn sensitive, like my "fall apart threshold" is too low for me to function appropriately and consistently for my age, and I'm a burden or a curse to my family and friends because I'm not in the condition to give as much as I feel I've taken from them. It takes so little to strike an overwhelming amount of fear or sadness into my heart, and I'm tired of feeling constantly on edge and wasting my energy avoiding people because I'm afraid of disturbing or burdening them.

There's a part of me that can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm in a lower place than I was five years ago. Even so, I'm not going to do anything to hurt myself this time; I quite frankly don't have the energy, I'm too afraid of the consequences, and I've seen enough death in those five years to understand just how heartbreaking and burdensome it truly is. I love my friends and family members too much to put them through that deliberately; I want to be better for them... I just need my mind and body to stop falling apart so easily.

I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist next week, so maybe I'll receive some help from them. Maybe I'll be able to physically function a bit better in time. The physical bit is just one element of my being, but I think my quality of life will improve a lot if I can mitigate the physical symptoms and complications. Therapy is still going well; I've just had a lot going on over the past six weeks or so and have had to address the new issues and complications as they've arisen.
 
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