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I'm not doing so well tonight, my mom who I'm very close with (but she lives far away) has to be tested for covid because a co-worker has it. I'm trying not to fall apart before the results are in. Meanwhile we have some friends who don't seem to be taking this as seriously as I think they should and keep wanting to get together. So tonight my husband went star watching and saw the commet, which is great, but.... when his friend expects to ride in the same car there.... I'm really not okay with this, and I'm so bad at knowing how to say anything because I feel like every time I speak up about anything people - doesn't matter who, even people who are very nice and care about me etc.- just tend to brush me off or react to me as if saying my opinion a all is Always making a bigger deal than necessary about everything no matter what it is or how I say it. Even they're mainly spending time with us outside, I am not feeling comfortable with this because they don't wear masks and they have a small child just like we do and there's no keeping the kids distanced from eachother. I do not feel safe at all and I want to scream and cry, it's hard not to feel like I'm being rude trying to avoid them, but... yeah. When someone else thinks you're just being stupid about it it's really hard to not be interpreted as rude I guess. My husband doesn't seem to be as concerned about getting together with them as I think he should be either, maybe he's just more trusting of them, or maybe he has a hard time saying no to people he cares for too, or maybe he really isn't concerned, I don't know. I know we need to talk more about this, but I'm feeling afraid that everyone else who isn't as... capable of waiting out isolation as I seem to be, is going to feel like I'm being difficult and uncaring about others because I'm not willing to see them when they're feeling a strong need to get together. Ugh, I don't know. I don't know how to talk about this with anyone because I'm so afraid of people being like they have so often been in my life, brushing me off. I take the possibility of a horrible lonely death very seriously. I take the possibility of people I care about dying a horrible lonely death seriously. Very seriously. I mean... you might say well you ride in cars don't you, yes I know, and I'm always slightly worried about getting in a crash, I don't not think twice about it. I know you can't be totally safe all the time, I'm not so crazy as to let every possible fear keep me from getting out of bed, but I'd also prefer to not increase my risk and worry when it can be helped. And no we don't HAVE to get together with anyone at the park for the next year (or two or three) if need be. I can wait it out. I guess other people don't feel like they can. But the substance of relationship, for me, is primarily in the exchange of thoughts and feelings which is possible with phones and texts and videos, why this "NEED" to see in person? I know everyone wants to just get back to life as it was, but that's jus not realistic if you ask me. And then my best friend went to bed while I was still trying to get my daughter to sleep and so I didn't get to talk anything over with her, and she's the only other night owl I know that I could talk with tonight to help make me feel ready for bed. so here I am. Thanks for being here per-c.
 

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@Aelthwyn Oh, I'm sorry, that is rough. I hope your mother will be okay!

I have a theory about soulmates. What if the reason why you feel such an unbearable pain, feeling so lost and hopeless, like nothing will ever be okay again, sadness, darkness, you feel as you cut contact with them because it was too soon? That you feel so much pain from being seperated from this person because it wasn't supposed to happen, that the contact was cut too soon. So, all the pain was not for nothing and there was a reason for it. You know you'll never see them again, but they made such a mark on you, they were important to you. And after some period of time you are still not over it, and you still feel broken because of that pain and how it triggered mental health problems again. You want to attach meaning to it because then the pain was not for nothing. And you are left socially isolated. But then again, if they were a soulmate, the feeling would have been mutual and I am pretty sure it was not mutual.

What do you all think? Or am I just delusional?

I do not want to be that woman with an unhealthy obsession...
 

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Occasionally something reminds me of these repeating dreams I will have. It's like I usually do not remember that I've had them, but something triggers me to remember that there is this world where there are dangerous underground tunnels, a train station where the "authorities" try to keep us from boarding when the train comes by, and some other stuff. It's only one of my repetitive dreams that sometimes surfaces to consciousness during waking hours.

But, occasionally when the memory of these dreams comes storming on, I feel almost like I have to grab hold of something so I don't get swept away from this reality. Strange. Anybody else get something like this?
 

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@Aelthwyn I too hope your mother is OK. I know its rough to know exactly what to do. I have friends(with pre-existing conditions) who act like this is mostly a hoax, and I have a sister-in-law who is awesome, but is stocked and staying in like nuclear winter is coming.

@rosesandgold I know how you feel. The last serious relationship I had before I met my wife was sorta like that. I was devastated when we split, and wacky(er) in the head for a while after. Its one of those tough things about love. Not all relationships are meant to last, but that does not mean that you still don't hurt when they end. Looking back, after a couple of years, I could see how it wasn't right, but at the time and for months after I could not see that. Once you form any kind of bond, that separation is tough.
But, that is life and love. There is the great parts, there is the pain. I'd still take the pain over feeling nothing. What's that old saying? Something like: "Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" Just keep puttin one foot in front of the other, it will get better.
 

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okay now I'm kinda disturbed because my mom told me going for the test wasn't as bad as she had expected, but then she was like "and then I had lunch at a cafe and went to the craft store...." and I'm thinking... MOM you could have the virus!!!?!?!? Aren't you thinking about not spreading it to the people in your favorite sandwich shop and the craft store??? :oops: I just.... don't know what to think. I did not say anything to her at the time though because I bet she is scared on the inside and trying not to be. 😕
 

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Yikes. Does she mask? You're probably right about the scared. You know her, plus if she's afraid she has it, she knows she could end up in quarantine for weeks. Tough after stay at home orders most of us did for a while. Praying she's Covid free.
 

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@GusWriter She does wear masks, thankfully. Thanks for the prayers! Hopefully good news will come back and all will be well. I think you may be right about wanting to do a last minute outing before being stuck at home for weeks.
 

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@rosesandgold I know how you feel. The last serious relationship I had before I met my wife was sorta like that. I was devastated when we split, and wacky(er) in the head for a while after. Its one of those tough things about love. Not all relationships are meant to last, but that does not mean that you still don't hurt when they end. Looking back, after a couple of years, I could see how it wasn't right, but at the time and for months after I could not see that. Once you form any kind of bond, that separation is tough.
But, that is life and love. There is the great parts, there is the pain. I'd still take the pain over feeling nothing. What's that old saying? Something like: "Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" Just keep puttin one foot in front of the other, it will get better.
Yes, however, I never had a romantic or sexual relationship with this person. I did not realize how intense I seemed to feel about them until after we broke contact. And I was so devastated over it and I felt an intense pain and I saw all that potential go to a waste - perhaps I had started romanticizing too much, but I just don't understand why I was in much pain? He said he could learn from me and he seemed understanding of my loneliness - and I had been missing that in real life. It was nice. But I just did not think I would get that attached, it showed me how intense my emotions can be.And it triggered mental health issues (a second psychosis) and it was scary and I was confused and had delusional thoughts and paranoia. So, sigh... I just don't know. I thought it was bets to step away from him, from getting attached because he was in a long-term relationship. I decided to be noble and make a decision that ended up hurting me and now apparently they are not together anymore (after 11 years) and I felt angry on his behalf and I just felt sad and like I had to go through all that pain for nothing?? And then it triggered a psychosis and I said things I usually wouldn't do and it scared him whe I did not mean to and I am no longer someone he could learn from, but someone who went "crazy". It's all tainted now and I have to live with it. I tried sending him a message, asking him if he wanted to listen to my story but he ignored it. And it's just so tragic. And friends have abandoned me because of my mental health issues. And now it's just... Sometimes I feel this anger and resentment building up and I do not want to end up becoming bitter. Also, I have this fearful mindset all the time now after my second psychosis last year. Just castratophic thinking, scared all the time (could be unhealthy Enneagram 9).... And I don't know how to take a proper control of my life again, to be more assertive.

I am sorry for the vent!! It's a lot...
 

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I'm having a rough night. I've felt exceptionally sick to my stomach and exhausted for a few days, but everything seems to hurt a lot more than usual right now, and I've had a bothersome thought that has only unsettled me even further:

Maybe there really isn't a karmic explanation for anything I've been feeling. I don't know if that possibility makes me feel better or worse, but it is certainly unnerving...

Whenever something bad happens (an unfortunate life event, a panic attack, or anything that otherwise causes a lot of pain, embarrassment, confusion, etc.), I assume that I must have done something to deserve it. I don't make that assumption about others' misfortune, but it's one of the first things I think about when something bad happens in my life. I don't think I have done anything truly egregious, but some instances of emotional recklessness and shortsightedness have definitely caused others to suffer. On one hand, I truly don't believe that I'm a bad person; I may be a bit of a loose cannon because I'm naive and high-strung, but the suffering I've caused has almost never been an end goal or a byproduct of prejudice. But on the other hand, intentions don't matter. I've still caused suffering, and even though I will never know the full impact of my actions, I deserve to be punished for the hurt I've caused.

But if that isn't the case, then all this pain I've experienced has been for nothing. I think I'd rather believe that I've done something to deserve it because none of it would have been in vain. Too many people have been burdened or scared by me in my current state. For their sake, I hope nothing I've experienced has occurred for nothing.

I understand that my feelings and breakdowns are products of something bigger than me, but they feel like excuses for sliding down a pathetic spiral of self-pity. This isn't the first time this has happened, so I should know better than to feed my self-loathing with such an unproductive and simplistic thought, but it's so tempting. This also probably won't be the last time that something like this happens... and that's what's so scary and heartbreaking. My family and friends deserve better.

Even though I don't have any plans or intentions to end myself, I only see a few reasons for living right now: (1) I have a bearded dragon to take care of, (2) my family and friends would be devastated by my death, and the long-term benefits of my absence probably won't offset the short-term damage I'd inflict on my loved ones, and (3) if there are any chances for me to show or be shown mercy in my future, I won't be able to feel that grace if I'm dead. I feel like my better days are well in the past, and I spend my current days isolating myself because it gives other people the illusion of my absence without forcibly committing them to a reality where I'm gone forever (even if I feel like everyone would benefit from such a reality).

Again, even despite these grim thoughts of the moment, I think things can be better. I think I can reach a place where I can be better for my family and friends. My physical condition leaves a lot to be desired, and I think addressing that will be a huge step. My physical condition feeds my inadequacy, and I'll probably start doing a lot better when I can physically function more like a normal human. But right now, I don't feel good at all and need to put these thoughts somewhere before I go to sleep.
 

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I am sorry for the vent!! It's a lot...
No need, it's the vent thread. ;)
I've not been exactly where you are, but in the vicinity, so it's not uncommon. Thats the great thing about perc, often our similar personalities have put us on common ground at some point. As for putting that unhealthy place behind you and getting back what control is really possible in this life, one step at a time worked for me.
 

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I probably won't be going outside again for awhile. For whatever reason people seem to hover around me as if I'm a magnet; I'm not different than anybody else, no idea why they seem to be doing so.
 

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looking back on my experience on the internet as a super young teen is so weird (and honestly, a little discomforting) to me. i didn't think about it much until i found out about sexual abuse allegations made towards a youtube persona i glorified when i was 13-14. he turned out to be a groomer.

it was upsetting in part because he was someone i idolized for so long and in other part because i could see myself in a lot of the victims. not so much in terms of their personal interactions with him but... the context. when i was younger, i spent most of my time on the internet and talked to as well as formulated several relationships with people on the internet on forums such as this one. the interactions were harmless for the most part in the sense that i had never gotten involved with anyone romantically or sexually but when i think back to the nature of some of the conversations i had - especially in light of the news about the aforementioned youtuber, i just feel a bit weird about it. not that i regret interacting with the people i did especially when most of them, i in hindsight now see as important mentor figures in my life but i just can't imagine having the conversations i had did with them now with anyone who was the age that i was. and i don't think any of them were bad-willed or intentioned and i get that no one was really responsible for me at the time but i just wish i had set more boundaries for myself, i guess. like, it's just really off-putting thinking, "that could have been me".
 

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This has been a stressful week. I'll spare the details but I've had at least 3 fights with close friends, and my family is being particularly pushy and unbearable. Health concerns are there too. Add to that being HSP in a loud environment.

Had a bad panic attack earlier, I'm just venting to see if I can keep having at least some grasp on reality, however small it may be. But everything feels so surreal now....
 

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I dislike one of my close friend. There, I said it. He's also trained me - or did I train myself ? - to consider him as the authority on everything, so on the subject of severing ties I politely defer to him once again. How so charitable from him to ruin my self-esteem so he can claim to be the only person who could tolerate my company. Now I guess any departure on my behalf would add up to my many tokens of ingratitude. If my values system didn't command loyalty come hell or high waters, I would have disappeared long ago. Worse than that. If I had trusted my guts, I would never had accepted his friendship to begin with. I wouldn't have listened to our common acquaintances who couldn't seem to fathom how our his zillion qualities were completely unappealing to me. I would have followed the right path. My right path which is the only one I fucking care for.

Now, how the fuck do I leave this slow dull dust-biting trainwreck of a relationship ? Hopefully, as I seem to bore him to no end those days, he will gather the strenght I do not have and cut me silently out of his life. The utter waste of time is what ulcerates me right now. The utter waste of our qualities on each other, too. UGHHHHHH. NO I don't want to hang out with his friends, they don't have the tiniest place in my heart and I don't want a place in theirs. Does he really think I appreciate them ? I'm just being polite ! Social activities drain all the blood out of me ! Fuck thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis. The waste of thoughts, the waste of time, the waste of MEANING.
 

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Haven't been here in a minute.

Honestly, I was thinking about this place yesterday and was curious to read through some of my old posts, how much I missed being able to spill out my thoughts, since I feel like I've been restrained for the past while now. Not because of environment, but I feel like for the past few years I've grown even less fond of how I can't articulate my thoughts or convey them in a way that feels satisfactory. An ADD diagnosis ~two years ago was kind of an epiphany for me, but despite trying to work with my issues, having the energy and the muscle to write, reply, etc. still proves itself incredibly tough for me. Which makes involving myself in forums and the like kind of ironic, but I've always appreciated reading posts from others with much better flow of words or ways to describe things I couldn't, and my general aversion to most social media makes the small corners of the internet far more valuable.

Also, I wasn't anticipating how different it looks around here now, which will take some getting used to, granted if I can remember and/or have the momentum to keep going..
 

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You know, I was just the same. But I said to myself: ok, others have greater problems, they need therapists, I can handle myself. I'll cry a little when no one sees and they I'd get up to cheer up others.

On last Friday I got home from work. I went straight to bed, even though it was around 5 pm. And I just' couldn't get any reason to get up. And I couldn't get any reason to get up for the whole weekend. I shut down my social media, causing panic amongst my friends. I would respond to their texts that it's all fine, I have just decided to take a break. But it wasn't fine. I was tired, I was feeling as I didn't exited and as if anything else didn't exist. As if I watched a movie.

My friend from work called me on Monday. She has depression, she was on therapy and she is still going. I actually told her that I can't do anything. She told me to go to psychiatrist. I was unsure, because I had days like that before so why would this one be different. Then I made an appointment, because I was really sad.

I went there, there was a really nice lady. She asked me "Hello, So what brings you here?" To this I completely cracked up. She was asking me the right questions. As if she knew me before. When I heard diagnosis, I was terrified. All my presumptions that I ignored were right. When I left, I called that friend from work. Later I called my mom and I cracked up again. It is uncommon for me to start crying at the middle of the street but I was absolutely devastated.

Later that day I met with my best friend, we sat at the river banks in the sun. I finally realized, that I feel relief. Finally I know what is exactly wrong with me, and that there is a light in the tunnel.

Today is my first day on pills. Pills will start working after two weeks but I feel much better already. Not that I have a great power, I still spent half day in bed. But now I KNOW. I got a month sick leave. I told every friend that asked me. They KNOW. Nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of. I was offered so many shoulders to cry that I wasn't even aware they existed there for me.

And I've prepared a plan. What I am going to do when I actually start to feel better. With my moodiness I've ruined a couple of things recently. I'll try to fix that. But now I give myself time, just time processing that I'm not alone with an unknown problem.

So good luck with your decisions. Decide wisely.
Sorry, I realize this was almost a month ago...I tend to only come on this forum when I'm feeling low or confused about something. Thank you for sharing all this. I'm so glad you found a solution that's working for you. How are you doing now, since it's been a few weeks?

I've been on a high for the past 2 weeks or so, feeling very confident about myself and pretty happy with my life, though still not very productive. Not sure why exactly though. Finally motivated myself to call my insurance to find out what kind of coverage I have but it was a Saturday and they were closed....now it's Friday evening again so I'll have to wait for next week.
(On that note, I saw a post on social media the other day about Executive Dysfunction and honestly I might have that - it would explain a lot. Lol so I just found an online self-test and clicked Often or Very Often for all but one of the questions WELP)

The more I think about going to see a therapist the more different things I can think of needing to talk to them about...I feel kinda bad cause they're gonna be overwhelmed by all the seemingly unrelated things I want to fix about myself.
 

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Haven't been here in a minute.

Honestly, I was thinking about this place yesterday and was curious to read through some of my old posts, how much I missed being able to spill out my thoughts, since I feel like I've been restrained for the past while now. Not because of environment, but I feel like for the past few years I've grown even less fond of how I can't articulate my thoughts or convey them in a way that feels satisfactory. An ADD diagnosis ~two years ago was kind of an epiphany for me, but despite trying to work with my issues, having the energy and the muscle to write, reply, etc. still proves itself incredibly tough for me. Which makes involving myself in forums and the like kind of ironic, but I've always appreciated reading posts from others with much better flow of words or ways to describe things I couldn't, and my general aversion to most social media makes the small corners of the internet far more valuable.

Also, I wasn't anticipating how different it looks around here now, which will take some getting used to, granted if I can remember and/or have the momentum to keep going..
Same :) Came back to this forum just a month or so ago after many years away for kinda the same reasons.
 
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