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I'm officially at the end of my rope. I have no future, nothing to look forward to, and I ruined all my relationships. Because no matter what I do, I don't have any sense of pleasure or fulfillment. Eating, breathing, living are dreaded chores. I want to die. I don't want to keep on fooling myself that I will find purpose, meaning, or love. There never was anything for me, I was born defective and don't belong anywhere. I hope I don't survive this crisis. If only I could catch the virus without infecting anyone else. Death is the only thing I deserve.
Like you, I also feel very compressed by darkness. I understand how you feel. I have written so many dazzling words in the past to attempt to uplift others' spirits, but I don't know if they ever truly resounded. I could write some for you, and they would come from the depths of my innermost heart. Instead, all I will say is that I am here for you. Wherever you go, however, lost you feel, whoever you feel you have become, I understand you. I especially am battling an identity crisis now, and it feels like the weight of my entire world has shattered. All that I believed that I was is now lost. But there's a beauty in the darkness. Relish in it, curdle in it. Let its wings gather your heart. And let it guide you to the light again. Darkness is simply a turn away from the light: you can find it again. Perhaps you are destined to find it again in your own beautiful way. And I know what it feels like to feel that there is no beauty in the world. But trust me, I have found it. Little glimmers of light, laughter, love. Try to find it with every passing day. Sometimes we search for something more, but there can be a beauty in what you have. You can create something for yourself, something magnificent. The world seems and often can be dark, limiting, cruel, but it can also be inspiring, evolving, magical. No matter how broken or lost or alone you feel, you are beautiful to me. I can tell you have a compassionate heart. You don't will ill on anybody and that is extraordinary. The world needs that. It needs beams of light from people like you with unique stories. Maybe you don't need to find a purpose because you came into the earth one. Maybe your deformity can heal and inspire others like you, maybe you can carve a place for others like you. Or maybe you have another purpose altogether. But one thing is for sure, although we have lost the light, I believe we can find it again. We can create our own beautiful, miraculous light. We can create purpose, meaning, and love. And we can believe that life can hold something in store for us, someday. Otherwise, we will never know.
 

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Like you, I also feel very compressed by darkness. I understand how you feel. I have written so many dazzling words in the past to attempt to uplift others' spirits, but I don't know if they ever truly resounded. I could write some for you, and they would come from the depths of my innermost heart. Instead, all I will say is that I am here for you. Wherever you go, however, lost you feel, whoever you feel you have become, I understand you. I especially am battling an identity crisis now, and it feels like the weight of my entire world has shattered. All that I believed that I was is now lost. But there's a beauty in the darkness. Relish in it, curdle in it. Let its wings gather your heart. And let it guide you to the light again. Darkness is simply a turn away from the light: you can find it again. Perhaps you are destined to find it again in your own beautiful way. And I know what it feels like to feel that there is no beauty in the world. But trust me, I have found it. Little glimmers of light, laughter, love. Try to find it with every passing day. Sometimes we search for something more, but there can be a beauty in what you have. You can create something for yourself, something magnificent. The world seems and often can be dark, limiting, cruel, but it can also be inspiring, evolving, magical. No matter how broken or lost or alone you feel, you are beautiful to me. I can tell you have a compassionate heart. You don't will ill on anybody and that is extraordinary. The world needs that. It needs beams of light from people like you with unique stories. Maybe you don't need to find a purpose because you came into the earth one. Maybe your deformity can heal and inspire others like you, maybe you can carve a place for others like you. Or maybe you have another purpose altogether. But one thing is for sure, although we have lost the light, I believe we can find it again. We can create our own beautiful, miraculous light. We can create purpose, meaning, and love. And we can believe that life can hold something in store for us, someday. Otherwise, we will never know.
Nice try. But that is all so far away, and not even a sure thing.

I don't belong anywhere, and nobody needs or wants me. Every day I see that the world is getting meaner. People are rougher and they enjoy that, they admire that. The world belongs to the strongest, loudest and most popular. People who are different or weaker in any way are laughed and abused instead of helped. I am too weak to live in a world like this. I lost all my friends, my interests and goals in life. I just want out of here. There's nothing that could make up for all the hurt I've gone through. Nothing at all to look forward to.

So what if I am beautiful to someone? That doesn't not fix anything or change anything. All my friends leave me behind to become meaner, "mature" people. It's my fault for being immature, a child at heart. I'm different, therefore I am wrong. All I wanted was to give and receive love, but nobody wants me because I'm too "vanilla creampuff". I try not to manipulate and I don't play power games. So I tried to be meaner, to assert myself. But then I was called manipulative and some other insults and got ostracized even more. I never get it right. It's obvious now that people didn't want me to be close to them in the first place, but I didn't know what when we were still new friends. Why can't they just be straight with me instead of leading me on this way?

I'm sick and tired of being the go-to person when everyone else is offline. I wish someone would pick me first. I wish someone would actually want my company instead of enduring my presence like I'm some gecko on the wall. It makes me feel stupid and unwanted, a useless, worthless person.
 

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Nice try. But that is all so far away, and not even a sure thing.

I don't belong anywhere, and nobody needs or wants me. Every day I see that the world is getting meaner. People are rougher and they enjoy that, they admire that. The world belongs to the strongest, loudest and most popular. People who are different or weaker in any way are laughed and abused instead of helped. I am too weak to live in a world like this. I lost all my friends, my interests and goals in life. I just want out of here. There's nothing that could make up for all the hurt I've gone through. Nothing at all to look forward to.

So what if I am beautiful to someone? That doesn't not fix anything or change anything. All my friends leave me behind to become meaner, "mature" people. It's my fault for being immature, a child at heart. I'm different, therefore I am wrong. All I wanted was to give and receive love, but nobody wants me because I'm too "vanilla creampuff". I try not to manipulate and I don't play power games. So I tried to be meaner, to assert myself. But then I was called manipulative and some other insults and got ostracized even more. I never get it right. It's obvious now that people didn't want me to be close to them in the first place, but I didn't know what when we were still new friends. Why can't they just be straight with me instead of leading me on this way?

I'm sick and tired of being the go-to person when everyone else is offline. I wish someone would pick me first. I wish someone would actually want my company instead of enduring my presence like I'm some gecko on the wall. It makes me feel stupid and unwanted, a useless, worthless person.
I recognize a lot of myself in your post, which is why it hurts so much. First of all, it is not your fault that you feel so neglected or alone in the world. You have your own lovely, childlike soul, and just because people fail to recognize the beauty in that does not mean you are worthless. As people-and, the truth can feel jarring-we feel gravitated towards different kinds of people. If your friends cannot see how special and good you are as a person and recognize that in yourself, then perhaps you weren't destined to remain friends. I have had so many friends abandon me, discard me, forget about me in the snap of a moment because they were dazzled by someone else-rejection is painful, and I am sorry that you had to endure it. The truth is, even though the world often fails to value goodness, we cannot stoop to its level and let us strip us of who we are. I lost myself so many times in an attempt to conform to the world because I felt alone and incomplete when I embraced the girl I was within. But to surrender your heart and lose yourself is one of the most dangerous things, it can shatter you in the end. The truth is, there is no right. The world can be cruel and callous, dismissing every shade of who we are as wrong, unworthy. But that is a lie. I have been the bearer of manipulation and, like you, felt strung along too. But I see every friendship as integral as shaping me into who I am today, and it has refined my search for beautiful relationships filled with magic, truth, authenticity. The search has been extremely challenging, but I have met some amazing souls that have remained loyal to me for years, and they have pure hearts. I know it seems rare, unlikely, but I believe you can find them too. People that value you for who you are, unadulterated, that will appreciate you and love you unconditionally. The unfortunate truth is that people can be evil and cruel and selfish, but the world has many hearts and minds and speckles of light. I know how you feel when you say that you don't belong, but I don't think we are meant to belong to this world. We are destined to embrace ourselves and swim against the currents, against the walls, fighting the darkness. It can be tiring, exhausting, feel unrewarding. But I have found that in embracing myself and not letting the world steal me-by remaining true and searching for people that can recognize my goodness-I can conquer the lie that I am worthless. I'm not sure if I can say anything to heal your loneliness or your pain, but I wanted to say that even if nobody recognizes you, or if the world never sees you, you are still eternally worthy. I know it sounds cliche, but your worth doesn't come from the recognition or validation or place in the world you hold: it shimmers alive inside of you, and it always has. I hope you can find a true sense of self-worth and contentment, someday :)
 

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@Fennel When you are surrounded by darkness, it can be difficult to see any light. Facing loneliness and rejection is a terrible thing. But perhaps you try little things, anything to distract your mind from the dark thoughts, and perhaps you need better therapy, I know it can be difficult and the world can be harsh and cruel but try to change your mindset. Changing the way you think can be the little things, it can be how string you really are and learning to take care of yourself despite the loneliness. I wonder if to turn hard as the world can be, but allowing negative thoughts makes me feel miserable and makes it mor edifficult to make it through the day. So I try to use creativity as an outlet, some goal to keep me going, in trying to write a book. I know I feel worthless and of no value, I have been abandoned by friends and I don't know if the people I care about care as much about me as I do for them, but you need to have hope. Hope for better days to come, find something, it can be in the little things, anything to inspire you. Get the full picture, think of your goals, try to take small steps. And you said before you're struggling with depression for a long time and that is difficult, very difficult and especially when you're feeling lonely and rejected. But like I said, try to get better therapu. Find something that keeps you going, something that keeps you inspired. Notice the world around you, oay attention to what is happening and try to find out how you can contrutube to the world. Perhaps there is something you have to say.
 

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I just want someone to support and love me as I am, and not expect me to mature overnight. I try so hard to understand others and endure their non-inclusion of me. I try to share my life with my friends but they're not interested. I was only there to pass the time, nothing more...
 
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