Oh god, i felt in love with with 1966-1967-1968... Vietnam protests, hippies everywhere, widespread use of psychedelics, rebellions, protests (may '68 in BE/FR, vietnam protests) great Democrats (RFK, HHH, LBJ aside of foreign policy, Muskie, Church, McGovern, Eug. McCarthy), counterculture, summer of love, lots of inspiration, Woodstock, best supreme court ever, afro-american emancipation.
I feel like since mid 1968, it rapidly detoriated on every level (after may '68 and RFK's murder)
my political party was also formed back than because they considered the communist party as not radical enough
I love our new house in many ways, but the microscopic closets are maddening! Like I don't know how our 60's 2 bedroom apartment had so much more closet space than this 3 bedroom 90's house, but... Dang, this place can only fit like... 1/3 what fit in the old place and I'm sick of having all my stuff out in the shed on the other side of the yard, and having to cram the towels into the tiny postage stamp sized shelves in the 'linen closet'. Bah!
Today it is 2 years ago that I let him go, someone who was important to me and I thought it was for the best and when I went through the most darkest period I had in my life. The soul-crushing emotional pain. And I still miss him. I still wonder why all this had to happen, and why a part of me doesn't want to let him go.
I only weigh 62 kg now. I keep losing weight. I lost 20 kgs in a year, while 9 of it in the last 4 months. If i keep losing weight at this rate, i would lose 27 kgs in a year. If i keep losing at this pace, i would weigh 39 kg in 2022 which is probably a BMI of like 11-12
I hope i'm not relapsing in my disordered eating behavior...
so it happened yet again. a moment of happiness and people just waiting to shit all over it. what do I do with anger? Nothing. Anger is such a useless thing in the hands of an infp. Did I not try to make them understand? But they are convoluted. They must think of themselves as good people while they have clearly not been good people. They like to think of themselves as responsible people but they have not been responsible people. The onus is not on me to tell them that they are different from what they have come to make themselves believe. I just want to live in peace in my own corner of the universe. I regret not understanding this earlier on. I understand this now however. That should count. That should matter. A new lease on life. I am okay. I am happy. And it is a good thing that I happy with my conscience clean. Then they call. Then they talk and I feel angry at them. I can't express and everything gets muddled. If they wanted a son, they should have treated him like a son. If they wanted a son they should not have starved him for money all life long. Now that I am finally coming into my own, when things are so close to finding breath out of the warm soil of the earth. . . there . . . like a callous casual bovine . . . just passing . . . and a huge dump of dung fall right over the sapling trying to come out of the earth. Now it would be years before it can come out of the earth again.
I don't want to get dragged in all this. I truly don't. I pray please let this pass. Please let this pass quietly. Please.
My state's governor is a moron. COVID is about to run through my whole family via exposure at work, and there won't be hospital beds available if we need them. I am surrounded by people who equate science-based health practices with unfounded beliefs, as in "Stop forcing your beliefs on others!" when you say to wear a mask and social distance. There have been so many funerals—and in a small town, you at least know someone who was close to them—but some people still say the virus is a hoax. At school, staff is at a bare minimum, and there is a teacher that has been hospitalized since Christmas. We can't get the students to do their virtual assignments, so there isn't proof they are getting an education. Meanwhile, they're angry about having a new president because their parents just want a Trump-ocracy. Yay for a whole batch of American citizens that want one person to lead them unchecked. And they're learning that the weak and elderly are expendable since nobody gives a damn about their protection. I'll be lucky if I live into my 50s if these people are looking after me. But they all go to the big, unmasked church events, so they're still good people.
I'm sorry in advance to anyone who is on the other side of this, it's a personal opinion so please don't feel like I want to attack anyone, but....sometimes I think there are some people who just... overanalyse their health too much, like is it really normal to never have to clear your throat to never have any random aches or muscle twitches or whatever? I guess I've always taken a lot of minor physical inconveniences as just a fact of life and not something I need to spend a lot of time and trouble trying to sort out because maybe there isn't really a clear 'reason' and there's just going to be something else next time, like dude the world is not perfect so why do you think you can micromanage and tweak your body into feeling 'perfect' all the time?????? I find it particularly strange how some people seem to assume everything is somehow related to diet and are constantly trying some different eating plan. I don't doubt that the food you eat has a great deal to do with your body functioning, but there's also other factors and anyway might one diet be good for some things and bad for others so how can you even find the optimal one? is there an optimal one? I guess it's just not something I want to spend a lot of time thinking about. shrug I don't want to be disrespectful to people and how they take care of their bodies, I mean I don't want anyone else telling me how to do it, but sometimes I need a little personal rant after listening to people obsessing over things like what vegetables actually count as healthy and why their hair has split ends or trying to figure out which food in their dinner made them fart.
Spent the last year reworking my 'life philosophy' and not labeling myself (in any aspect, really). Honestly, it feels weird to log back in here again and see old posts that I've made...I don't feel like the same person at all.
I'm sure COVID had a lot to do with that (I had to turn around midway through a business trip because everything shut down suddenly last March). But, I am graduating from my Masters this April, and applied to a PhD too, so things are still chugging along. Mentally, I've felt pretty good since September. 'Normal' I suppose, but a new normal!
Hope you all have been doing as well as you could, too.