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I wish I was not so obsessive and worried. I wish I didn't obsess about being perfect and good. I want to not be so controlled by my internal superego, as my superego causes anxiety and self-doubt due to its strength and my inner critic.
 

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I never thought my life was going to be like this.. All of those dreams of my youth; so naive, so misguided, damn all them movies I watched! Except for Flight of the Navigator, that was phuckin’ gangster! I wish an alien would have picked me up as a kid and been like,

“Hey you little wannabe green power ranger, life is not a treat. It’s more like ovaltine, it looks like it’s gonna be good, but it mostly sucks. Also, you can’t trust people to not be lame and back injuries happen all the time to virtuous people who try really hard to succeed. Basically, effort does not equal result. You’re going to have a rough life.”

Then at least I could have been more mentally prepared for watching the good guys fail to win, both in my personal life and in general. I think it’s messed up how we teach kids all these ideals and fantastical stories about the good and the true always winning in the end. They should spend more time telling kids the truth. Life is hard, and good people who do their best fall on hard times all of the time.

High School is when it started to hit me. I realized, as an ‘advanced’ student, that school really isn’t setup for ‘advanced’ students. Which makes you wonder, why would schools want the students to be mediocre if the whole point is to learn as much as possible? That, and how come no senior girls are inviting me and my freshman buddies to parties? What’s going on here? When are these tables going to turn! This isn’t fair #:-0

By college, shoot, I’d already figured out that church, politics, police, low fat microwave food, and even college itself was mostly hogwash. What a dissapointment. Here I am at 36, both my parents have passed, still no happy marriage and family, and I have yet to become heroic in any cinematic manner. I’m beginning to feel like I was sold a lie about who I was and what I was supposed to be. After all, I took most of it by their word and followed directions to the letter.

Dah well, it’s hard to complain with fiber optics and toaster ovens, but I sure wished someone would have leveled with me when I was younger. Life is tough for an idealist kid who believes everything he hears..

Cheers
 

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While I can appreciate a good work ethic where you always try to do your best and stay focused and you make sure the others depending on you aren't let down, I really don't understand the expectation that the rest of your life somehow ceases to exist during work hours and that you stop having any thoughts or feelings or physical issues related to YOUR LIFE once you enter the workplace. I mean.... seriously? There is no human->robot transformation machine at the doorway.

I think part of what bothers me is, work ethic is from Inside, it's your choice, whereas workplaces trying to MAKE you care about nothing but work while you're at work is just... dehumanising and strikes me as deeply wrong.

This is not in response to any specific thing happening in my life, but reflecting on experiences of other people over time and the general attitudes I perceive in the business and management culture.
 

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I know it's been a while. To keep things short, I'm in a pretty good place now. I wasn't for a long time, but I'm doing a lot better now that I've been going to therapy, taking medication, and have a real job.

More details about my job, social life, etc.:

 
I got really lucky with my job. I did some freelance work for a while but realized that it wasn't sustainable, and I found a job listing for a technical writer in my hometown. I was underqualified in terms of work experience (though I was more than qualified in terms of education), so I wrote a cover letter and made a case for myself. I had a phone interview with the company founder a couple of days later, and the rest has been history. That man is now my boss, and I've been delighted with the job. I learn new things every day, apply a skill I've honed for years, and I feel valued.

Honestly, I don't burn out, either. I worried that I'd burn out if I did something I loved for a living, but I'm only getting more productive. I think my confidence is going back up, and it feels nice!

Of course, my social life has atrophied while I've been sick and figuring out my new job. I recently talked to my best friend for the first time in several months, and it felt nice. (I found out that she sometimes drives by my parents' house to see if my car's still in the driveway, which made me feel good. I also peek down her street on my walks to see if her car is in the driveway.) I still feel a bit afraid to reach out to my other friends after so long, but I'm feeling better about it and will reach out sometime soon. I should also be on PerC a bit more often again.


Now, here's what I want to get off my chest...

I have a tough time "replacing" losses.

For example, when my childhood dog died a year and a half ago, my parents wanted to get a new dog within a month of the death. I wasn't on board with the idea. I didn't think I could have loved or accepted the dog in the same way that I loved my childhood dog. However, I understood that my parents were "empty nesters" with my younger brother going to college, and I understood how tough it was for them. I concealed my disapproval, but I was still secretly against the decision to get another dog. (They got another dog, and I'm glad that I was wrong about my inability to love or accept the new dog; I love her to pieces.)

This time, it's a lot different.

My [paternal] grandmother died almost 5 years ago now. My grandfather has lived with my aunt for the past few years, so he hasn't lived alone but has remained a widower. The only time I thought he might have been dating someone was when he brought an unfamiliar woman from church to my aunt and brother's gymnastics performance. I was very cold to her because I suspected that she was a "replacement" for my grandmother. (I was 17 or 18 at the time... can't remember.)

Well, it seems like my grandfather might be dating somebody from his friend group at church (she and her husband have been good friends of ours, but her husband passed away a few months ago). I want to be happy for them like my parents seem to be, but I feel unsettled. My feelings are not a problem if I don't see my grandfather and the friend; they won't know my true feelings and can't be hurt by them.

But I have to see them tomorrow. (We've all been staying home whenever possible, practicing social distancing, and wearing masks.) I'm afraid that I'll be aloof, and they'll know that I don't accept them. This woman is also familiar with my behavior, and I've always been warm to her in the past; she won't brush my coldness off as "my personality" and know that something's wrong. I don't want to upset them because of my selfish feelings, but I still feel like this woman is trying to fill a void that only my grandmother could have. It almost feels threatening on my end.

At the same time, I'm extremely hypocritical. I'm still very anxious about the day when my grandfather will find out that I'm gay because I know he won't accept it. (Maybe he already knows; I suck at being traditionally feminine, have outright stated that I'm not interested in boys whenever he asked if I had a boyfriend in college, and have fervently expressed my disapproval for local "anti-gay pride parades" whenever he's mentioned them. But again, maybe he hasn't read into my behavior that deeply.)

I clearly want to be accepted, and I want other people to feel accepted, so I feel like a mega-hypocrite because something deep inside me feels threatened by his relationship. I don't want my insecurities and anger to be anybody else's problem, but I'm afraid that those will bleed through and affect my behavior. I don't want to embarrass my family or make anyone feel bad... but I don't trust that I'm emotionally stable or mature enough for that.

As I've gotten better, I've gotten more feisty and open about my feelings. I've already found it difficult to conceal strong negative emotions in the past because it feels inauthentic, but I'm afraid it will be a lot harder now. I bought some vodka and want to drink some of it when they're over tomorrow so that I might loosen up, but I'm also afraid I might slip and say something I regret.

In the end, I feel like I'm acting immature, judgmental, and hypocritical. I don't like it, and I don't want to feel this way. I want to accept the relationship. I don't want anybody to be negatively impacted by my emotions. But I really do feel a bit threatened. I feel like I'm expected to love and accept this person as I loved my grandmother, especially since I already know her, but I don't think it's emotionally possible for me.

Let me just be clear: I haven't been ignorant and unsympathetic to the emotional struggles my grandfather must have faced as a widower. I know I sound like I've been, but I haven't. I care, and I genuinely want him to be happy. I just wish I could empathize with him more and stop letting my selfish grief get in the way of accepting his path to happiness.
 

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Aww, thanks, @neutralchaotic!

I'm happy to see you too. I hope you've been doing well over the past several months (or at least as well as possible during the pandemic).
 
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Yesterday wasn't bad at all. I didn't even think about my grief, anger, or fear while the guests were over. I was actually quite happy to see and talk to that family friend again because it had been a couple of years since I'd seen her. I saw her for who I always knew her to be, not someone who's threatening my grief or a "replacement" for the person I lost.

I feel a bit more... indifferent? I'm not quite sure. I'm in a state of lukewarm acceptance; I'm not excited or profoundly open and accepting, but I feel okay enough. I'm not angry, and I don't feel threatened. I feel a bit strange, but it's not a horrible feeling. It's just one of those things I'll need some time to get used to.

I also saw how much happier my grandfather seemed to be. I felt differently when I saw how much more talkative he was. He and the family friend are obviously happy with the time they spend together. That's their life, and I want them both to do what makes them happy. I may still have some grief, but I see it as a separate thing now; it's inside my head and can't be threatened by anything real. Another person's happiness depends on real things and real relationships, though. I can't stand in the way of that; I want to see them happy.

It's easy for me to overestimate the potency of my fear when I can't directly see what I'm afraid of or feel threatened by. Despite the initial potency of my fear and anger, I don't think those two emotions will ever be strong enough to eclipse somebody else's happiness. I'm undeniably fearful by nature, but I don't think I'm actually as selfish as I seem to believe. (Or I perhaps wasn't aware that I might be growing out of my younger selfishness. I still have my egocentric tendencies like any other person, but they're probably not as problematic as I imagine them in my head.)

Anyway, I think I'm okay now. The acceptance feels pretty quick, but I think my brain just blew my fears and grief out of proportion. Now that I know exactly what's real, I think I'm at as much peace as can be.
 
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Realizing I'm gay as hell. Yikes at myself, lol! :ROFLMAO:

I mean, I know it's not my fault that I was just blinded (even if I can go back and list countless times I could have known), but damn? No, neutralchaotic, straight women don't worry that if they talk about their female friends, people will read too much into it.
 

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Realizing I'm gay as hell. Yikes at myself, lol! :ROFLMAO:

I mean, I know it's not my fault that I was just blinded (even if I can go back and list countless times I could have known), but damn? No, neutralchaotic, straight women don't worry that if they talk about their female friends, people will read too much into it.
hello there!

How have you been? I have been inactive around here. You used to type yourself as a 5 back in the day. Still an INFP? It is rare to see an INFP 8. I have always wondered what that would be like.
 
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hello there!

How have you been? I have been inactive around here. You used to type yourself as a 5 back in the day. Still an INFP? It is rare to see an INFP 8. I have always wondered what that would be like.
omg hi! i think you're the most recent visitor message i have (i didn't see it before i logged out for a year haha)!

Yes, I did use to be a five ... I think my graduate program helped me a lot, as I started studying what I enjoyed, and was able to meet others who liked the same line of research / give presentations and talks / and really become an expert in my field.

I've always felt head-strong, but there was this underlying current of anxiety (and a host of other issues) that clouded a lot of how I carried myself. Type 8 feels much closer to who I am. I haven't taken the MBTI in quite some time (decided to stop questioning it). I do still feel like an INFP, though!

My version of an INFP 8:

  • Generally laidback and not overly interested in stepping on toes, but also assertive of my beliefs/know what works for me when I'm forced to say something.
  • Unintentionally manic pixie, but oblivious to that because I'm usually minding my own business (and not aware of how others feel/behave around me).
  • Passionate tunnel vision for my life goals; not enough to step over people/use them one-sidedly, but able to decide who gets to stay in my circle and is interested in supporting me on my journey.
  • Straightforward about boundaries, but still (trying to be) considerate of others' needs and wants (aka, sometimes I'm staying up to talk a friend through problems, rather than cutting the conversation off and going to bed).
  • Loathing being controlled, but able to acknowledge when others do know what they're talking about (and bowing to that authority).
  • Very 'magnetic' in terms of people knowing who I am/wanting to be around me (from what I've been told!). Takes the role of 'inspirer' in friend groups / work projects / teacher positions. That's default mode, I'm not usually looking for dynamics beyond this/closer relationships.
  • Gives off the air of being highly "in control" due to my general decisiveness. Most don't realize I can still be unsure of myself, because outwardly I go for it (I like doing this...it's really helped me grow!)
  • Very optimistic, and also more idealistic than people might assume. Have learned how to rein this in so that I don't show all my cards at once, but on the inside I'm always excited and joyful for the next 'happy' occurrence in my life.
  • Known to be very "head down, has a clear path ahead for what she wants, will not move unless forced to". Never mistaken for being an extrovert anymore (no more nervous energy that makes me bend toward others' desires, lol). I'm pleasant, but not all over the place.
I feel like I present myself differently from my other INFP friends. There are actions I would take or responses I would have to situations/people that other INFPs simply would not take.
 

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Type 5

Level 1 (At Their Best): Become visionaries, broadly comprehending the world while penetrating it profoundly. Open-minded, take things in whole, in their true context. Make pioneering discoveries and find entirely new ways of doing and perceiving things.

Type 8

Level 1 (At Their Best): Become self-restrained and magnanimous, merciful and forbearing, mastering self through their self-surrender to a higher authority. Courageous, willing to put self in serious jeopardy to achieve their vision and have a lasting influence. May achieve true heroism and historical greatness.

Although I like this description of healthy Eights better

When Eights are emotionally healthy, however, they have a resourceful, “can-do” attitude as well as a steady inner drive. They take the initiative and make things happen with a great passion for life. They are honorable and authoritative—natural leaders who have a solid, commanding presence. Their groundedness gives them abundant “common sense” as well as the ability to be decisive. Eights are willing to “take the heat,” knowing that any decision cannot please everyone. But as much as possible, they want to look after the interests of the people in their charge without playing favorites. They use their talents and fortitude to construct a better world for everyone in their lives.

I am married to an Eight. I know the joys of living with an Eight. Existential worries go immediately out of the window because you know here is someone actually capable of taking care of you. And for the brilliance of who Eights are you want to take care of them too. Once one gets into this cycle, even with occasional tiffs, everything becomes so pleasant.

I am really happy for you. Although I never doubted you would reach here. I am curious though, what is next for you.
 
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I am married to an Eight. I know the joys of living with an Eight. Existential worries go immediately out of the window because you know here is someone actually capable of taking care of you. And for the brilliance of who Eights are you want to take care of them too. Once one gets into this cycle, even with occasional tiffs, everything becomes so pleasant.

I am really happy for you. Although I never doubted you would reach here. I am curious though, what is next for you.
That sounds so nice! I haven't thought much of settling down/being domestic in a couple of years (everything on hold for school and still have some years left), but having a steady partner would be lovely.

Thank you friend :) Now I can get down to the nitty gritty (actually living vs being trapped n my head). 0-20 felt like many disasters. Hoping 20-40 is a lot more freeing, honestly. I'm a fourth into that next 20 years, and excited for what's ahead!
 

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LOL. Again snow this weekend! And finally some deep freeze temperatures next week.
 

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WOW. Weather models now think this is going to be the coldest february in more than 30 years!!! Since 1991, possibly even becoming more colder than 1991! That's 30 years ago. I wasn't born than.
 

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Catch that bird. First lure the bird. Sing the song. You don't know the song? Then first learn the song. You don't have a voice? Then first get your voice. The desire to finish working, the desire to give in to the frustration of not having inspiration it's not very strong, is it? I am so confused about how to use commas. Yes, one can keep working, without getting tired if the heart is in the right place. You you don't strike the drum too hard, if you don't press the pen too hard on the paper, if you don't type on the keyboard too hard, everything can become pleasant. Lose it, lose the sense of purpose. Let your words flow. Let imagination flow. Let characters do what they do, let them talk what they talk. I have said this too many times but that darned critical voice in my head is just unrelenting. It's like an angry animal. Eeeeeeeesy boi. . . eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeasy. . . just take it slow. The imagination is a horse that knows that I want to ride it. It is not ready to be tamed. Damned thing.
 
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This is going to be the coldest february since 1986 at least. ... models even went for even more colder weather and prolonged and sustained frost. Temperatures will not get above zero until 20 february at least. Only 1919, 1942, 1947, 1956, 1963 and 1985 WERE COLDER.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING???


I said on so many fucking forums we had to wait until 2021 for a severe winter. I said it already in fucking 2015.

IM A FUCKING ORACLE LOL
 
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