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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
So about a week ago I got into a really stupid fight with my little sister. We have always been super close and gotten along well and she is usually a very reasonable and non-argumentative person. Since we are so close in age we always tell each other everything, we have only had a few smaller arguments over the years. We have both dealt with our own share of personal issues over the years (mental health, health related) and have relied on each other for support.

The actual cause of the fight was really dumb, basically she was complained about a life situation and I tried to give advice (since she came to me to complain about it). She didn't like my advice, got mad and ran off to her room slamming the door. A few hours later I texted her to make peace and she replied with a "we should never share anything again", which I thought was very rude since she has always relied on my advice and shared all of her problems with me and I felt she was taking all my past help and support for granted. I replied her this and she didn't respond.

Nearly a week passed and I'm at work all day so I barely see her, we didn't talk for 5 days. I texted her again, trying to be mature and stuff, to resolve this. I wrote a thought out message stating that I should have just listened to her problem instead of trying to solve it, but I also felt it was wrong that she was being this rude towards me even though (however annoyingly) I was just trying to help.

A full week has passed and she hasn't responded. I said hi to her in the kitchen once and she just murmured something and walked off. I'm aware that I could have handled the original conflict better, but so could have she, I feel like I've tried to be really understanding and mature about this, especially since I know she is going through some stuff right now related to the problem she originally came to me with.

She left for a bit over a week to go traveling and I think it's so pointless to have this awkward not speaking thing here when she comes back after that for the rest of the summer. I also feel that I have gone out of my way to resolve this and that she is being very disrespectful and childish. Not sure what I should do if she comes back from the trip and still gives me the silent treatment. Honestly, I don't really want to talk to her anyway if she is acting like this, but I really hate fighting with people and would just like to resolve it so I can move on with my life... She knows how much I hate fighting and conflict and still does this, which is kind of shitty of her.

A part of me feels that I always keep acting like everything is my fault and bending over backwards just to solve an arguments since I feel shit when I'm fighting with anyone, I feel hurt over her behavior and that she doesn't care about me to the same level as I do of her (not the first time in my life I've been in that kind of situation).


But she is my little sister, we have always been super close and I want to resolve this without being a pushover.

Any suggestions? Thanks! :)

(She's 22 and I'm nearly 24)
 

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Good luck as this could certainly end up taking a lot longer than you are probably ready for though out of curiosity what was the issue in a nut shell?
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Good luck as this could certainly end up taking a lot longer than you are probably ready for though out of curiosity what was the issue in a nut shell?
She has had some hormonal issues (her period coming very often and being very painful etc.) and she found out she has some cysts in her ovaries. I've also dealt with a lot of period related pain stuff in the past, but have found some natural ways to deal with them. I'm kind of the "fix your problems and don't sulk" kind of person, and I'm very into taking charge of your life and health and she often has a tendency to complain about things. Maybe it's annoying, but I have a hard time trying to not "fix" stuff when people complain to me about being in pain and I know something that could possibly help.

I understand that it's not the right approach and she didn't want to hear it, but I'm just human too and can't always say the perfect things and handle every situation perfectly :/ She is acting like I'm the worst person in the world for trying to be supportive
 

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She will either get over it or hold it against you for decades to come but eventually she should start talking to you again someday however it wont be the same as it was before.
 

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INTPs aren't known for holding grudges. Give it some time and she'll probably forget it... it honestly doesn't sound like something serious
 

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Discussion Starter #6
She will either get over it or hold it against you for decades to come but eventually she should start talking to you again someday however it wont be the same as it was before.
nah don't really see that happening. It really wasn't such a big deal, I'm just annoyed at how she's handling it
 

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Discussion Starter #7
INTPs aren't known for holding grudges. Give it some time and she'll probably forget it... it honestly doesn't sound like something serious
The problem is I don't think I can just forget it like that.. I don't mind us disagreeing about a topic, that's totally fine. It's just the way she handles it and is acting in such a selfish and rude way even though I've really tried to make peace.

I can't go back to being close with her if I can't even express basic things openly without her getting ridiculously upset and refusing to event talk about it. She's never been like this before so I've given her the benefit of the doubt for a long time, but it's not okay that she is treating me like this
 

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She has had some hormonal issues (her period coming very often and being very painful etc.) and she found out she has some cysts in her ovaries. I've also dealt with a lot of period related pain stuff in the past, but have found some natural ways to deal with them. I'm kind of the "fix your problems and don't sulk" kind of person, and I'm very into taking charge of your life and health and she often has a tendency to complain about things. Maybe it's annoying, but I have a hard time trying to not "fix" stuff when people complain to me about being in pain and I know something that could possibly help.

I understand that it's not the right approach and she didn't want to hear it, but I'm just human too and can't always say the perfect things and handle every situation perfectly :/ She is acting like I'm the worst person in the world for trying to be supportive
That can’t be the whole story. It just doesn’t make sense. But maybe that’s because I grew up with 4 brothers and no sisters

“I’m in pain :(
“You should try doing X to feel better“
“OMG ! I’m never talking to you again! AHHHHHHHH,!” Door slam and silent treatment.

Who acts like that.? You must have argued about your advice or something.

If someone doesn’t like your advice you need to just give up and move on. Just listen and try to escape when you can if you must. And at worse just be straight about how you feel about this person complaining to you nonstop.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
That can’t be the whole story. It just doesn’t make sense. But maybe that’s because I grew up with 4 brothers and no sisters

“I’m in pain :(
“You should try doing X to feel better“
“OMG ! I’m never talking to you again! AHHHHHHHH,!” Door slam and silent treatment.

Who acts like that.? You must have argued about your advice or something.

If someone doesn’t like your advice you need to just give up and move on. Just listen and try to escape when you can if you must. And at worse just be straight about how you feel about this person complaining to you nonstop.
I wish that wasn't the whole story but it kind of is :p

I've been into natural health stuff and she finds that annoying. We previously had a talk where I agreed not to talk about it with her, but she is the one who keeps bringing all her personal health stuff up to me, don't know what she expects from me tbh :DD

I haven't brought this stuff up with her after that, but she keeps wanting to talk about it so I assumed she was looking for some kind of advice
 

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I wish that wasn't the whole story but it kind of is

I've been into natural health stuff and she finds that annoying. We previously had a talk where I agreed not to talk about it with her, but she is the one who keeps bringing all her personal health stuff up to me, don't know what she expects from me tbh :DD

I haven't brought this stuff up with her after that, but she keeps wanting to talk about it so I assumed she was looking for some kind of advice
She expects you to respect her... she might not mind advice, she might even have been looking for some kind of advice, but she made it clear that natural remedy advice is unwelcome and you even agreed. She keeps bringing her health stuff only because you agreed not to respond with natural health stuff advice

Then you broke the spoken agreement.

If the only advice you have to give is advice you both agreed you would not give... then you should just listen otherwise it’s like you are proselytizing

Probably not what you want to hear. But based on the information you have provided, it sounds like you are in the wrong here.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
She expects you to respect her... she might not mind advice, she might even have been looking for some kind of advice, but she made it clear that natural remedy advice is unwelcome and you even agreed. She keeps bringing her health stuff only because you agreed not to respond with natural health stuff advice

Then you broke the spoken agreement.

If the only advice you have to give is advice you both agreed you would not give... then you should just listen otherwise it’s like you are proselytizing
I agree that I shouldn't have brought it up, but we also agreed not to bring up our health stuff in general and she keeps bringing those up to me :D I admitted that I shouldn't have brought it up and reached out to her about it twice already.

But she also has relied on my advice non-stop for everything over the last years, I don't mind helping but it's also been really tough to deal with all her problems over the years. So the one time I "mess up" and offer the wrong advice when she is complaining to me about her problems, she just immediately forgets the years of support I've given her and decides to demonize me. It just feels a bit unfair a shitty to treat someone like this.
 

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I agree that I shouldn't have brought it up, but we also agreed not to bring up our health stuff in general and she keeps bringing those up to me
But that doesn't matter. You mean to say that if she had a serious illness, then she can't talk to you about it. A person with illness sometimes needs someone to talk to about their illness. not skeptical advice on how to cure it. or information on how their illness is their fault for their unnatural choices in life...
There are some topics you can agree to avoid. like I told my neighbor to stop talking to me about his paranoid delusions about his relative. He agreed. but he still brings it up from time to time despite getting annoyed at my skepticism. At this point I just listen to him and try to steer the conversation somewheres else. I can't expect people to not to need to vent. In fact, I think if there is one thing I can do to help someone, it is to let them vent rather than forcing them to keep it inside festering. They may not want to hear what I have to say on the subject. If that be the case, they are unworthy of my thoughts anyway, and I save my breath.

:D I admitted that I shouldn't have brought it up and reached out to her about it twice already.
Too late to apologize. you offended her in a way you apparently don't understand.

But she also has relied on my advice non-stop for everything over the last years, I don't mind helping but it's also been really tough to deal with all her problems over the years. So the one time I "mess up" and offer the wrong advice when she is complaining to me about her problems, she just immediately forgets the years of support I've given her and decides to demonize me. It just feels a bit unfair a shitty to treat someone like this.
Precisely. she doesn't have an issue with your advice. she just has an issue with a single type of advice. My doctor might be religious. And I might rely on his advice for any illness I have. he might also give me good advice for other areas of my life. One thing I don't want to hear from him when I tell him my problems is that I need to pray for my illness to be healed. That's an unspoken agreement. and the day my doctor tells me that I need to pray for a healing (unless my illness truly requires a miracle), that's the day I find myself another doctor.

And you agreed, made a pact, to respect her wishes and avoid talking about natural cures. Then you broke that trust. In her mind, she's lost something.

There are some things you can truly agree to avoid talking about. like Religion and Politics. There are other things that a such an agreement cannot truly exist.

Trust is a fickle thing, A thousand years can be undone in a single moment. ~unknown
Trust is a fickle thing. When in tact it can give a man peace, comfort, and security. When broken, it gives him hell! ~Chris Lumpkin.

Hope she is an INTP and that she'll do like others are saying. forget in a week or 2. and then try not to violate her trust again.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
But that doesn't matter. You mean to say that if she had a serious illness, then she can't talk to you about it. A person with illness sometimes needs someone to talk to about their illness. not skeptical advice on how to cure it. or information on how their illness is their fault for their unnatural choices in life...
There are some topics you can agree to avoid. like I told my neighbor to stop talking to me about his paranoid delusions about his relative. He agreed. but he still brings it up from time to time despite getting annoyed at my skepticism. At this point I just listen to him and try to steer the conversation somewheres else. I can't expect people to not to need to vent. In fact, I think if there is one thing I can do to help someone, it is to let them vent rather than forcing them to keep it inside festering. They may not want to hear what I have to say on the subject. If that be the case, they are unworthy of my thoughts anyway, and I save my breath.

Too late to apologize. you offended her in a way you apparently don't understand.



Precisely. she doesn't have an issue with your advice. she just has an issue with a single type of advice. My doctor might be religious. And I might rely on his advice for any illness I have. he might also give me good advice for other areas of my life. One thing I don't want to hear from him when I tell him my problems is that I need to pray for my illness to be healed. That's an unspoken agreement. and the day my doctor tells me that I need to pray for a healing (unless my illness truly requires a miracle), that's the day I find myself another doctor.

And you agreed, made a pact, to respect her wishes and avoid talking about natural cures. Then you broke that trust.

There are some things you can truly agree to avoid talking about. like Religion and Politics. There are other things that a such an agreement cannot truly exist.

Trust is a fickle thing, A thousand years can be undone in a single moment. ~unknown
Trust is a fickle thing. When in tact it can give a man peace, comfort, and security. When broken, it gives him hell! ~Chris Lumpkin.
I admitted that I was wrong about the way I handled the situation and reached out to her to make peace. What else am I supposed to do, crawl on my knees and beg for forgiveness? I try my best to help people, but I'm not perfect and it's unfair to be punished for making a stupid mistake. After my years of unconditional support she should give me a break and understand that I had good intent, even if I was annoying.

It seems unfair that she is allowed to break the agreement and vent to me about all her stuff and I have to be a perfect human who never makes any mistakes. I don't always have the energy to listen to all her stuff, but I try. I feel like our relationship is very one-sided and I am giving and caring way more than she is.
 

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I am not sure my approach is the healthiest, or the best to recommend, but I'm passing it on as it's the only way I've found to work for the two Si / Fe types in my family... ISFJ mother and INTP brother.

Step #1
Wait for everyone to calm down. That includes them and myself.
There is no point trying to hash something out with a Si type while you're still upset, because every nuance in your expression and tone is going to feel targeted and intentional to them. They take things more personally, in both good and bad ways. An argument really highlights the bad ways.
This step requires a LOT of patience and flexibility, because you can't tamp down with an expiration date on anyone's feelings, you just have to wait tolerantly until everyone is ready.
My ISFJ mother is ready in a matter of days... my INTP brother takes months, because his Fe isn't really strong enough to drive him out of his subjective normal state to see the other's view, until finally one day out of the blue he realizes he wants to be on good terms again, and then one can see his Fe present itself as he becomes understanding and friendly again.

Step #2
After all the emotions are out of the way... Calmly and somewhat indirectly explain how you were thinking that led up to the incident in question. I often use a totally unrelated lead-in, like an interaction with another person who did XYZ and how I was thinking about it all (without being insulting towards that person because, now I connect the two), and then I say "It's like when you and I were talking about X and we both got so upset, it was so silly, but, I didn't really understand where that person was coming from... Ect"
I hope this makes sense, but the important part to note is that if you want resolution with a Si type, you have to avoid making it "all their fault", as they generally do NOT handle it well. They are really sensitive to blame, so you have to take an even amount of the burden with them, even when you think they were in the wrong.
If you can get past the hurdle of the blame sensitivity, then explaining how you were feeling and thinking prior to and during the incident can help them form a better understanding of you and how you might respond in certain situations. Remember that Si types have this deep set belief of how things "should" happen, based on their own preferences, so even when one has every reason to know you completely (like being a close & beloved relative), that blueprint of you and experience of you can get overwritten by the voice of "should".
If you're trying to beat back a pesky "should" that doesn't compromise for your nature, then you have to go through some repetitions of the same incidents and patiently nexplaining yourself until finally it sets in their mind where your unique exceptions are and they make more allowances for you.
There's really no good timeline for this sort of thing, so you have to take it as it comes.
If during the explanation phase you find they shut down (and maybe pretend it's all OK), then they probably feel too blamed for whatever happened and are just avoiding that feeling. You can let them off the hook if you feel it's necessary, but here's the thing. Without understanding why, the same thing will keep happening over & over again until you are both old & grey.

As Ni types, we prefer to confront issues head on so we can get past it and move on. That's what works best for us. But we have to yield on that to Si types because they aren't ready as soon to talk about it, and it will still keep coming up for them.
My INTP brother, for instance, some of our major arguments revolve around things that happened when he was a kid that he still feels upset about. It wasn't him vs me, but him vs other family members, and I've tried to moderate between them to rather pitiful end results. He gets mad at me for trying to help him understand all the nuances of a situation, and what the other person was thinking/feeling, as he feels like I'm taking their side. He's always going to be upset about it, and that's that, although as a thinker he can ignore it for ages. When it comes up again, is never when everyone else is ready and waiting to talk (when he says "forget it"), it's when he can't hold onto his building emotions anymore so it can be very inconvenient and out of place.
Like could we not ruin Whosewhatsit's birthday party because someone accidentally triggered you over a 25 year old incident that you refuse to resolve?! But that's just how he works, so I try to be understanding. He has some admitted anger issues, but he thinks of it as he was "infected" with someone else's anger, rather than it being his own. Because on his own he feels fine, it's only around others that his Fe starts working and brings his emotions up for air.
Since he's a thinker predominantly, he tends to want to brush off the resolution phase of an argument as the whole thing not mattering... But then, it does matter to him, and so getting him to talk it out is really essential even if it feels like extracting blood from a stone.

If I had my guess, I'd say your sister either felt.insulted intellectually somehow... Or perhaps she was embarrassed and you missed the hints? I know my mom can get embarrassed over things that don't make any sense to me and don't follow most people's patterns about that. For instance, there's a ton of physiological processes she's perfectly fine talking about, even to the extent of embarrassing others in public, but when it comes to her issues she's more particular. Happy to talk about her psoriasis as a scalp fungus, but not a fungus she was dealing with under her nails. So it's a bit or a maze when it comes to what she's comfortable with. Both mom and brother can be embarrassed even to admit they're embarrassed, like it's something to be ashamed of all in itself. I learned very early to pretend not to notice certain feeling states from them so they didn't get more upset about it.

I hope this is somewhat helpful, sorry for length!
 

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I admitted that I was wrong about the way I handled the situation and reached out to her to make peace. What else am I supposed to do, crawl on my knees and beg for forgiveness? I try my best to help people, but I'm not perfect and it's unfair to be punished for making a stupid mistake. After years of unconditional support she should give me a break and understand that I had good intent, even if I was annoying.

It seems unfair that she is allowed to break the agreement and vent to me about all her stuff and I have to be a perfect human who never makes any mistakes. I don't always have the energy to listen to all her stuff, but I try. I feel like out relationship is very one-sided and I am giving and caring way more than she is.
Look here's the Straight Dope. If the topic was truly off-limits, you had an opportunity to say so. Unless you failed to mention an important detail, Nobody forced you to listen to her health problems. You could have stopped her and reminded her that the topic was off-limits. You could have reminded her and warned her that you believe in a form of medical treatment that she doesn't. and if she wants your advice she should expect to hear about it. so if she doesn't, perhaps she ought to talk about something else. But you are willing to (or not willing to) just listen to her issue.

To which she might have responded by ok let's talk about something else. Or she might have responded by saying, I just want you to listen, I don't want any advice unless you have the kind that isn't in that area.
Or maybe she might have still thrown a fit but at least your conscience would be clear. Because you didn't betray her (except if you refused to listen. because as I said before, there are some topics that you should understand are never off the table. And there are some issues that you should understand are never off the table with certain people. Like my crazy neighbor and his conspiracy theories).


Even the most devout people I know offer to pray for someone before they do. They don't just lay hands on a person and start praying.

A true apology is to repent and find out what you can do to make it right again. penitence. If there is nothing you can do, then you just have to wait. If she is an INTP (or similar type), her grudge won't last forever. She will talk to you again. but in the future, she might avoid talking to you about things like her health. Or she might not. Either way, you are supposed to be the older and wiser personality type. You can't judge what is the right way for you to behave by looking at where other's set the bar.



Keep in mind, I don't know the whole story. So don't get to worked up over what I'm telling you. It is just one possible interpretation of the details you provided. It’s up to you to decide whether it actually holds true to your situation
 

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Kind of strange. I can say it's not because of the cysts, as I have those too. That might've been behind me being kind of emotional when I was younger, but what you describe seems an overreaction.

As far as natural health remedies--please don't recommend those to her for this condition. The only thing I've found that worked was exercise or a hot water bottle for the pain in the short term, and going on the birth control pill for the long term, as the hormones in those help regulate your periods. The period pain can be awful without it--I've got a dent in my leg from coming off a running horse and landing on some metal fencing, cracked my foot bone jumping down a flight of stairs, had a cavity filled without numbing medication--I'd rather go through all of those again than deal with period pain. It's no joke or lack of self-control on her part; it's that the hormones her body naturally produces are out of balance, and only a hormonal treatment will get to the basis of that problem. Natural remedies will only scratch the surface.
 

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From what I can tell there is a lack of clarity about why this hurt her feelings? What exactly was it about what you said that hurt her so badly? I also have a INTP sister and she might get annoyed and clam up, but she wouldn't act like this unless she was REALLY upset-- of course they aren't the same person, but I'd go to my sister and I would say, "I don't want to piss you off this much ever and I'm not exactly sure what it is that pissed you off? Was I just not treating this as important as what you are experiencing?" From what I can tell she is freaking out about what is going on with her body and she isn't ready to deal with it exactly and she is distracting herself by being mad at you.... but you can't say that. Anyway, acknowledge how serious this is and ask for clarity is my advice.
 
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@grandpa2390 but, OP already said she did some things wrong. It is the correct approach to mention when someone else breaks an agreement before breaking it yourself, but that didn't happen and oh well. The sister could have just as easily protested on the basis of the agreement rather than just getting upset and making a big issue out of it. No one sounds more at fault here.


Anyway, OP, after reading the new posts in the thread during the time I was writing my earlier reply...
It just sounds like you guys are too close, in a way. I know that sounds weird. But as you both continue to mature through life there's a time when one person being the one with all the answers becomes an odd dynamic. Why was she holding you up in that position before, do you know? I'm no stranger to odd dynamics, as my mother treated me more as a friend and sometimes parent than a child. But over time I've learned how unhealthy it was.
You should expect things to shift from that dynamic as time wears on and she gains different friends and life experiences. It doesn't mean either of you did anything wrong, but it would be unusual if things remained that way.
 

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@grandpa2390 but, OP already said she did some things wrong. It is the correct approach to mention when someone else breaks an agreement before breaking it yourself, but that didn't happen and oh well. The sister could have just as easily protested on the basis of the agreement rather than just getting upset and making a big issue out of it. No one sounds more at fault here.


Anyway, OP, after reading the new posts in the thread during the time I was writing my earlier reply...
It just sounds like you guys are too close, in a way. I know that sounds weird. But as you both continue to mature through life there's a time when one person being the one with all the answers becomes an odd dynamic. Why was she holding you up in that position before, do you know? I'm no stranger to odd dynamics, as my mother treated me more as a friend and sometimes parent than a child. But over time I've learned how unhealthy it was.
You should expect things to shift from that dynamic as time wears on and she gains different friends and life experiences. It doesn't mean either of you did anything wrong, but it would be unusual if things remained that way.
I also want to reiterate what I added onto my other post. that what I'm saying is just one possible interpretation. I wasn't there, I don't know the entire story. It is up to OP decide whether what I said actually applies. It may not apply at all. ;)
 

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This may not be of any help to anyone, but just this morning by coincidence I happened to watch some videos on the benefits of ginger for reducing menstrual cramps, period pain, bleeding, etc. Long story short, taking ginger powder daily has been found to reduce all of those symptoms as much or better than drugs, and without all of the negative side effects. Plus, ginger is significantly less expensive to purchase. Here are the links to the videos in case anyone is interested:

 
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