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I'm in college and I go out and have tons of fun and outgoing friends, I drink and party and laugh and seem very bubbly and social and together to everyone. But it's all lies...In reality I'm 23 and have never dated, had sex or done anything sexual with anyone (I've just kissed a few people in my life drunk, but hated it). I'm very confused about love, sex, relationships and all of it.

I have weird romantic feelings towards a guy friend of mine but I know very well he isn't looking for anything serious with anyone and I need to get over it. I feel weird and guilty for having these feelings towards him even though I'm supposed to be a good friend and not expect anything from him. I get crushes very rarely (once a year maybe) and just one people I know and am close to. I can't really experiment with sexuality since I only feel attraction to people I like and that makes is a very high stakes situation.

I want to have a close and loving relationship with someone but am afraid I'm too sexually reserved and shy to be able to be interesting and sexy enough. There's no love or relationships without putting out really, so I've remained single because I don't want to lead people on. I'm objectively not unattractive and I have had people ask me out and flirt with me many times but I always shut it down, because if I'm not able to have sex with them, or even kiss them before I know them it's not fair to lead them on. I'm lonely in college since all my other friends are always in relationships and/or hooking up with people. I end up going home after a night out alone and I just feel empty and wish I had someone too.

I'm very self-conscious about my body and if I will "be good" at sex. I come off confident when I'm going out etc. because I get to pick clothing that I feel are flattering on my body and conceal my insecurities. I don't feel sexy and feminine just naked and don't see how anyone could think that. Sure, I can look cute or nice in a pretty party dress and makeup, but that's the most controlled and optimal version of myself and not how I actually look on an everyday basis. I get along with guys well and I have many guy friends as well as female friends. I just never seem to be able to have a romantic/sexual relationship. I've gone on dates before and actually ended up being friends with those guys because I'd start to feel uncomfortable and turned on the friendship wibes. I've been mad at myself for this later since I actually later started to have feelings for a guy I had "friendzoned" months later.

I don't know if any of this made any sense but I just feel like I'm gonna burst with all this :/ I'm stuck in a situation where I desperately want love and intimacy but I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to have sex with them at a normal relationship pace level. These days relationships aren't like: hang out platonically for months, cuddle and hold hands and kiss for a few months and then maybe move further. I can't just just from not being comfortable with kissing someone into having sex in such a small time frame. Also, it doesn't help that I only want to be intimate with someone I have and actual connection with since I don't feel physical attraction to strangers. I could imagine being into sex eventually, but for me it would be a big deal to trust someone that much. I just feel like no one will ever want to put up with my prude crap and I'm never going to date anyone.

Rant over. I'm sorry if it was confusing, I just had to get this out of my head. I wonder if this is related to being an INFJ or just me being weird.
 

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I can relate to this, even as a guy. I lost my virginity around your age. A few things to remember:

1) It's completely normal to feel scared if you have never had sex before. Nearly everyone feels the same away about feeling "sexy" or if they will be good at it.
2) You talk about not "leading anyone on". While this is admirable, you have to understand in matters of love and sex, it's inevitable that people get hurt feelings. You and them. It will hurt for awhile, but so long as you are honest with yourself and them you will grow from the experience. The pain will pass. The good bits out way the bad.
3)We INFJs actually make pretty great lovers due to our emotional depth and desire to please the other person. :wink:
4) Everyone is a bit of prude when they are new to sex. You only learn what you like and don't like by doing it. Also, your assumption that everyone else is some sort of freaky sex god is wrong. Most people are just happy to get to go to bed with someone.
5) Never feel pressured to have sex with someone just because you are getting older and feel like you should have done it by now.
6) Don't confuse lust for love.
 

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You're not the first one to have this kind of "issues". Take some risks and go out with your guy friend and preferably sex him up. Clearly you're not the person you want to be and it wont magically change unless you take some control of the situation you're at. You know what you want then go for it since at the moment you only think in matters of expectations/imagination not experience.

You probably won't be good at sex at first but some people are naturally better at it. You can read up on it or talk to someone with whom you feel comfortable. To be honest not much is expected from a girl as long as a guy doesn't feel like he is having sex with a mattress.

The best thing is about your situation is that you have the opportunity to not be single. Unlike some/most men who would be in the same situation and with similar perception.
 

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There's no love or relationships without putting out really,
This isn't true. And don't ever let anyone pressure you into sex just because everyone else is doing it and it's "normal" now. There are people like you, who don't just hop into bed with someone so easily. People who see sex as something more meaningful to share. Perhaps you're just not in the right scene. Where there's people partying and drinking - sure, there's going to be hooking up going on. Try hanging out around people who have more similar interests as you rather than beating yourself up because you don't really want to conform. You don't have to. And honestly, you're weeding out all of the people who would just want to use you for sex anyway.

If you're interested in someone/dating, maybe be more open/up front about your standards so they know where you stand. There's nothing shameful about it and you deserve to be respected. There are people who have the same standards/are similar to you. Please don't feel guilty for being the way you are. I know it's easier said than done but it's a good thing to value these things as much as you do. When you love someone and are comfortable with them (when you have that sort of security in a relationship), it's becomes easier to let down your guard sexually because they make you feel safe (and vise versa).
 

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Besides the often going out and partying part: I could have written this OP.

People usually mistake me for being more confident than I actually feel, because I kind of put momentary effort into appearing so. And normally people seem to think I'm attractive, but for me, even if I think that I might look okay on some days, internally I just have all these hangups - a few quite similar to yours; from body image, to expectations on relationships.

But yea, as you alluded, the real problem is who can/will put up with certain lifestyle choices such as ours? And the answer of course being: lots of people won't. But some might. And we'll only know those few, if we give more of them a chance. It's so lame and cliché but that's probably as simple as doing the unexpected/opposite of what you'd normally do. Which is actually quite hard when you're always thinking things through 12steps in advance...

In either case, just try not to lose sight of who you saw yourself as; along that way.
 
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It seems totally insane to me to not take the time to get a strong sense of a person's heart and their moral character before having sex with them. I don't have sex with someone unless I'm 100% ready and willing to parent a child together with them.

I tend to do all my emotional figuring-out about dating and sex and relationships as if contraception were never invented. How would I act and how would I pace things if that were the case? Thinking of things in that way is what seems to best put me in accord with my instinctual feeling.

It may also be the case that the kind of guy who'd want what you want in a relationship and who'd move at a pace more suitable to your natural sensibilities isn't going to be found drinking and partying with college kids.

Made me think of this:


"The whole relationship between the sexes becomes an affair of success—of social achievement—instead of feeling. And if a woman has not a strong relationship to her own instinctual feminine nature then she falls for that kind of nonsense."

"But it has nothing to do with the instinctual, real, feelings of a woman. She overruns those with a theoretical idea of having to have a man and having to have sex. And then the whole thing is a cold power game which leads to nothing."
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I can relate to this, even as a guy. I lost my virginity around your age. A few things to remember:

1) It's completely normal to feel scared if you have never had sex before. Nearly everyone feels the same away about feeling "sexy" or if they will be good at it.
2) You talk about not "leading anyone on". While this is admirable, you have to understand in matters of love and sex, it's inevitable that people get hurt feelings. You and them. It will hurt for awhile, but so long as you are honest with yourself and them you will grow from the experience. The pain will pass. The good bits out way the bad.
3)We INFJs actually make pretty great lovers due to our emotional depth and desire to please the other person. :wink:
4) Everyone is a bit of prude when they are new to sex. You only learn what you like and don't like by doing it. Also, your assumption that everyone else is some sort of freaky sex god is wrong. Most people are just happy to get to go to bed with someone.
5) Never feel pressured to have sex with someone just because you are getting older and feel like you should have done it by now.
6) Don't confuse lust for love.

Thanks for your well organized and thought out tips :) I do agree that I need to stop being so afraid of getting hurt/hurting people. Living life means getting hurt and I can't have love without taking risks. I've just always had hang ups when it comes to this side of my life and I need to figure out a way to not be such a little bitch baby about it :p
 

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Discussion Starter #8
This isn't true. And don't ever let anyone pressure you into sex just because everyone else is doing it and it's "normal" now. There are people like you, who don't just hop into bed with someone so easily. People who see sex as something more meaningful to share. Perhaps you're just not in the right scene. Where there's people partying and drinking - sure, there's going to be hooking up going on. Try hanging out around people who have more similar interests as you rather than beating yourself up because you don't really want to conform. You don't have to. And honestly, you're weeding out all of the people who would just want to use you for sex anyway.

If you're interested in someone/dating, maybe be more open/up front about your standards so they know where you stand. There's nothing shameful about it and you deserve to be respected. There are people who have the same standards/are similar to you. Please don't feel guilty for being the way you are. I know it's easier said than done but it's a good thing to value these things as much as you do. When you love someone and are comfortable with them (when you have that sort of security in a relationship), it's becomes easier to let down your guard sexually because they make you feel safe (and vise versa).
The funny thing about me is that I am in every other way in life pretty bold and have a "yolo" side to me. I moved abroad alone for college and genially enjoy going out and doing crazy dumb stuff with people and I feel alive when I hang out with my ESTP and ENFP friends who make me feel bolder and more outgoing. I enjoy meeting people and parties, as long as I can have plenty of time to myself in between to recharge.

My friends aren't dumb party people and neither am I, just young people who want to have a good time. We still care about our grades and hobbies and important stuff. The only thing that separates me from the others is my weird sexual hangups. I'm very liberal and open minded and sex positive when it comes to everyone else, I just feel uncomfortable when I am in those kids of situations personally.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
It seems totally insane to me to not take the time to get a strong sense of a person's heart and their moral character before having sex with them. I don't have sex with someone unless I'm 100% ready and willing to parent a child together with them.

I tend to do all my emotional figuring-out about dating and sex and relationships as if contraception were never invented. How would I act and how would I pace things if that were the case? Thinking of things in that way is what seems to best put me in accord with my instinctual feeling.

It may also be the case that the kind of guy who'd want what you want in a relationship and who'd move at a pace more suitable to your natural sensibilities isn't going to be found drinking and partying with college kids.

Made me think of this:


"The whole relationship between the sexes becomes an affair of success—of social achievement—instead of feeling. And if a woman has not a strong relationship to her own instinctual feminine nature then she falls for that kind of nonsense."

"But it has nothing to do with the instinctual, real, feelings of a woman. She overruns those with a theoretical idea of having to have a man and having to have sex. And then the whole thing is a cold power game which leads to nothing."
For me not being sexual isn't a moral thing. I think everyone is free to do whatever they want with whoever as long as it's consensual and no one is getting hurt. I don't think there's anything wrong with people wanting to have sex, I just have issues with it personally when it comes to my own sexuality. I'm also not afraid of getting pregnant because I would be very careful, and if I got pregnant and didn't want to be, I'm not against terminating the pregnancy.
 

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For me not being sexual isn't a moral thing. I think everyone is free to do whatever they want with whoever as long as it's consensual and no one is getting hurt. I don't think there's anything wrong with people wanting to have sex, I just have issues with it personally when it comes to my own sexuality. I'm also not afraid of getting pregnant because I would be very careful, and if I got pregnant and didn't want to be, I'm not against terminating the pregnancy.
You have lost your feeling for the force which gives things their life.
 

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nvm
 

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I felt that way right after starting this topic and wanted to delete this thread :p But I think it's good to learn to talk about this stuff and online is way easier than in person. I'd love to hear your thoughts, even if I don't agree :)
Aw, thanks for the reassurance :) I just felt like I was misunderstanding you a bit in my second response which is why I felt it was better off deleted ;)

What I wanted to say was that "weird" is relative so while you may be weird in this way compared to your friends, I don't personally think you are weird in general. And while you may feel insecure about feeling like you're not sexy enough or sexually open enough etc. etc., I would say that not all guys are the same or would expect you to open up so quickly sexually despite how it may seem. Though perhaps this is the only type of person you've either been exposed to so far, or it's a an assumed conclusion/impression you've come to based on your experiences around other people.

Overall, it sounds like this is a hang up you would wish to be rid of and that you would rather be more like how your friends are where they seemingly don't have to have an emotional attachment to someone in order to experiment sexually? Rather than it being more like something you value. Correct me if I'm wrong though.
 
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I have weird romantic feelings towards a guy friend of mine but I know very well he isn't looking for anything serious with anyone and I need to get over it. I feel weird and guilty for having these feelings towards him even though I'm supposed to be a good friend and not expect anything from him. I get crushes very rarely (once a year maybe) and just one people I know and am close to. I can't really experiment with sexuality since I only feel attraction to people I like and that makes is a very high stakes situation.
Why is it “weird” to have romantic feelings for a guy, and why should you feel guilty for being attracted to guys you already know? This is some sort of bizarre code girls have concocted regarding attraction. Everyone in your lives has to be labeled and compartmentalized. A guy is either an acquaintance, a friend, a close friend, or a boyfriend. And if a guy is ever labeled with one category, he will bear that forevermore. No no no…not. Life isn’t so neat and tidy. People sometimes come to love others only after knowing them for a time. Some relationships morph during their course so that acquaintances become friends and eventually lovers. In fact, this is how most relationships progress.

I want to have a close and loving relationship with someone but am afraid I'm too sexually reserved and shy to be able to be interesting and sexy enough. There's no love or relationships without putting out really, so I've remained single because I don't want to lead people on. I'm objectively not unattractive and I have had people ask me out and flirt with me many times but I always shut it down, because if I'm not able to have sex with them, or even kiss them before I know them it's not fair to lead them on. I'm lonely in college since all my other friends are always in relationships and/or hooking up with people. I end up going home after a night out alone and I just feel empty and wish I had someone too.
This is the normal state of college life for INFJs. College social life is very ESFP in nature, or at least that’s the stated ideal. Hooking up, meeting new people constantly, going on 5 dates a week…these are supposed to be the norm for college students. And if you don’t meet this “standard”? Well, then you’re a freak, a weirdo, a social leper, a loser, and an untouchable meant for perpetual loneliness and a life spent cohabitating with multiple cats. Again, no no no…not. The fact that you need depth in your relationships and true intimacy before sex is simply a part of who you are. I am the same, and it was even worse for me, given that the pressure to get laid and have a number of sex partners is even greater for guys. But believe me, you are not on the wrong track. What you are feeling is normal for INFJs. Cold comfort, I know, but such is our lot.

These days relationships aren't like: hang out platonically for months, cuddle and hold hands and kiss for a few months and then maybe move further. I can't just just from not being comfortable with kissing someone into having sex in such a small time frame. Also, it doesn't help that I only want to be intimate with someone I have and actual connection with since I don't feel physical attraction to strangers. I could imagine being into sex eventually, but for me it would be a big deal to trust someone that much. I just feel like no one will ever want to put up with my prude crap and I'm never going to date anyone.
Forget about “the norm these days.” The norm is also mass shootings, terrorist attacks, murders, riots, and TV shows featuring Kardashians. “Normal” these may be, but they’re sick and demented all the same. You need to focus on what makes you happy and fulfilled. And remember, there are guys who feel the same as you about relationships. Many of us don’t do microwave relationships either. We need real intimacy before we get sexual with a girl. That’s why there’s so much angst among guys about the friend zone. Girls seem to expect us to make moves and get sexual quickly upon meeting them, and we don’t all work that way. Those of us who aren’t ESFP players take time to get to know a girl and decide that we trust her enough to be open with her. Yet, we’re told that this takes too long, that we’re wimps for not knowing our feelings right away, that we don’t deserve female companionship if we need time to figure it out. I think we need to put all this crap aside and do what makes sense to us as individuals. The norm is for normal people. I’m not normal and have no desire to follow the normal order of things.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Aw, thanks for the reassurance :) I just felt like I was misunderstanding you a bit in my second response which is why I felt it was better off deleted ;)

What I wanted to say was that "weird" is relative so while you may be weird in this way compared to your friends, I don't personally think you are weird in general. And while you may feel insecure about feeling like you're not sexy enough or sexually open enough etc. etc., I would say that not all guys are the same or would expect you to open up so quickly sexually despite how it may seem. Though perhaps this is the only type of person you've either been exposed to so far, or it's a an assumed conclusion/impression you've come to based on your experiences around other people.

Overall, it sounds like this is a hang up you would wish to be rid of and that you would rather be more like how your friends are where they seemingly don't have to have an emotional attachment to someone in order to experiment sexually? Rather than it being more like something you value. Correct me if I'm wrong though.
I know there are plenty of shy people out there, but I've just been stuck with this stuff for a long time and don't know what to do really. I've been in situations where stuff would have happened with most "normal" people. I was hanging out with a guy "friend" over a year ago in his dorm room and we were drinking on his bed and he was trying stuff and I was just acting like I didn't get what he was doing. When he asked me what was up and if I felt anything towards him I just kind of freaked out and said some dumb excuse and left. When stuff gets sexual I just freak out and it's very frustrating. I'm not asexual and am interested in sex but I just can't do it and I don't know why. I don't have a past of sexual trauma etc and I don't get why I am like this.

I'm in a life situation now where I get romantic feelings for people close to me occasionally and I'd want some kind of intimate relationship but I can't force myself to just go for it because I'm afraid I'd mess up my life or other peoples lives by freaking out or being weird about stuff. This is such a stupid issue and I've been ignoring it for most of my life but I'm getting too old to be this much of a baby about this stuff. I think I'm a mature and gutsy person in most areas of my life apart from this.
 

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Discussion Starter #16 (Edited)
Why is it “weird” to have romantic feelings for a guy, and why should you feel guilty for being attracted to guys you already know? This is some sort of bizarre code girls have concocted regarding attraction. Everyone in your lives has to be labeled and compartmentalized. A guy is either an acquaintance, a friend, a close friend, or a boyfriend. And if a guy is ever labeled with one category, he will bear that forevermore. No no no…not. Life isn’t so neat and tidy. People sometimes come to love others only after knowing them for a time. Some relationships morph during their course so that acquaintances become friends and eventually lovers. In fact, this is how most relationships progress.
I'd just like to start by saying thank you for your thought out and detailed response! The guilt is not a logical thing, I know. I have this stupid internal built in guilt that makes me feel guilty for wanting anything selfish (like a friend in that way), kind of like a Catholic guilt, but I'm not even religious. I think a lot of it has to do with my upbringing and how I was always told I was selfish and I'm always trying to subconsciously be such a friggin prude goodie. It's time to grow out of that at 23 honestly I think. I'm also confused about my own feelings a lot, since I'm good at forming close deep friendships with people, I have had only close female friends all my life. Now that I am older, I've for the first time in my life actually started to form close guy friend relationships in the last year. Which causes confusion for a straight but also prudish person like me :p

This is the normal state of college life for INFJs. College social life is very ESFP in nature, or at least that’s the stated ideal. Hooking up, meeting new people constantly, going on 5 dates a week…these are supposed to be the norm for college students. And if you don’t meet this “standard”? Well, then you’re a freak, a weirdo, a social leper, a loser, and an untouchable meant for perpetual loneliness and a life spent cohabitating with multiple cats. Again, no no no…not. The fact that you need depth in your relationships and true intimacy before sex is simply a part of who you are. I am the same, and it was even worse for me, given that the pressure to get laid and have a number of sex partners is even greater for guys. But believe me, you are not on the wrong track. What you are feeling is normal for INFJs. Cold comfort, I know, but such is our lot.
Funnily enough, it's nice to hear that someone else felt the same way in college. I don't know anyone who is quite like me. I have some shier friends too, but somehow they still end up having orgies in a random college dorm like it's nothing. I just don't understand how it's so easy for everyone else :,00 Just meet someone, have a few drinks and get fully naked with random people, I don't want to judge what other people are doing (live your best sex lives woohoo), but that sounds really gross to me. I also feel like it's relevant to mention here that I'm not some pure innocent angel, I go out and drink and dabble in other substances and like getting wasted and being stupid, I just can't turn off the prude side of my brain enough to even make out with someone at a club. I don't really care about peer pressure to hook up and whatever, I've never been a person who is effected by that stuff very much anyway. I just don't want to miss out on living my life to the fullest and having meaningful relationships because of my inability to loosen up about this stuff.


Forget about “the norm these days.” The norm is also mass shootings, terrorist attacks, murders, riots, and TV shows featuring Kardashians. “Normal” these may be, but they’re sick and demented all the same. You need to focus on what makes you happy and fulfilled. And remember, there are guys who feel the same as you about relationships. Many of us don’t do microwave relationships either. We need real intimacy before we get sexual with a girl. That’s why there’s so much angst among guys about the friend zone. Girls seem to expect us to make moves and get sexual quickly upon meeting them, and we don’t all work that way. Those of us who aren’t ESFP players take time to get to know a girl and decide that we trust her enough to be open with her. Yet, we’re told that this takes too long, that we’re wimps for not knowing our feelings right away, that we don’t deserve female companionship if we need time to figure it out. I think we need to put all this crap aside and do what makes sense to us as individuals. The norm is for normal people. I’m not normal and have no desire to follow the normal order of things.
I'm sure there are plenty of guys who might get it. Somewhere out there. I've lived off that hope for my whole high school and college life, but somehow I don't seem to attract or find those people. I think that's also my fault, since I do have this outgoing/wild side I tend to not be attracted to shy guys. I am a shy and insecure person and am drawn to outgoing and brave people who make me feel more "normal" and social and connected to the world. I have plenty of fellow introverts and feelers as friends, but unfortunately the company I am currently most drawn to are ISTPs, ISFPs, ENFPs and ESTPs.

The friend I currently have feelings for is and ESTP and I know in my heart it's a terrible idea. But I can't stop thinking about what if I just go with it? I know he's into me, he didn't just randomly become friends with me, there was always an underlying attraction there. He always has a lot of girls around him and he flirts with everyone all the time. I think it was easy for me to be just friends with him initially, since I really never thought anything could ever happen until I randomly started to over 6 months into the friendship. But he's a genuinely good and kind person, but just not emotionally mature enough for someone who as much of a mess like me, and he's not looking to settle down etc.

I've also recently been starting to feel this growing loneliness and bitterness about all this stuff. I know that these are VERY privileged problems and I feel guilty for even feeling this way (again with the guilt lol). I always assumed things would work out and fall into place somehow. I'd meet the right person at the right time and all my problems around these issues would work out naturally. But I know life doesn't actually work that way. What if I have already ruined many great opportunities for relationships and growth because I have been too afraid to jump in? I don't want to keep doing that but I'm afraid I will fuck up my own mental health if I force myself into stuff when I don't feel right about it. It's really hard to say what where the line between normal nervousness that comes with growing up is. I don't know if other people have similar struggles and are just braver than me about them.
 

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@thislittlebluebird

It sounds like the real problem here revolves around you internalizing messages about yourself (from your upbringing) that were toxic in nature. You've accepted it to be true about yourself and so are viewing your actions and intentions you have about these things through this lens rather than your own. Things you tell yourself such as: "I'm such a friggin prude" or "I'm selfish (for A, B and C)." In reality, you are neither of these things. It is not selfish to live authentically and to have standards. If anything, you are doing others a favor by living true to yourself rather than being halfway in and then at the last second realize "oh wait, I don't really want to do this."

And hell, if you're a prude than I'm most definitely a prude because I didn't have sex until after marriage. My husband has been my only sex partner (and vise versa) and that's the way it's going to happily be for the rest of my life. Now would you tell me I am a prude? I'm sure you wouldn't. It's just a very personal decision. So why continue to shame yourself for these things?

True growth comes when you look inward and work to resolve these issues. Yes, experiences do excel our growth too and those are important in the equation but if you never take the time to introspect in regards to your experiences and understand yourself and why you do the things you do, you'll be running on auto pilot the rest of your life, living out other people's messages about you that you have internalized rather than what you know to be really true about yourself, deep down. Yes, this is easier said than done. It takes courage to confront our deepest fears and shame. Anger will come up probably and a lot of other colorful emotions. But it's important that you process these before making bigger decisions in life involving relationships. So you are right to feel that way and not force yourself. I personally don't think it's wise for people to make careless decisions (sexually or otherwise). But hey, that's me. I don't believe the solution is to keep seeking out people who have what you feel you lack (SP types) but rather, find that these qualities that you desire so much (confidence in who you REALLY are, not being like someone else) and being more social are already inherent within yourself. In addition, it's important not to reject the other qualities about yourself that you feel are weak or whatever. There's nothing wrong with you. You don't have to rely so heavily on others to tap into these things. Dig deeper.

I don't know if other people have similar struggles and are just braver than me about them.
It depends on the person. Some people seek sensory experiences as a form of escape or to numb themselves from some sort of internal pain they are hiding from (not brave). It is not necessarily braver to jump in head first either (though it may look that way on the outside to someone who fears this sort of thing). Anyone can be brave when they are blind. And like I said, I don't personally see it as wise. Just...impulsive.

I just don't want to miss out on living my life to the fullest and having meaningful relationships because of my inability to loosen up about this stuff.
In order to live a truly fulfilling and meaningful life, you have to learn to accept yourself fully and understand what it is you truly want and need. I sound like a broken record at this point with this stuff but it's really about living authentically to these things. If you aren't very in tune with yourself, I can tell you - you will not have very deep or meaningful relationships because in order to develop healthy connections and relate to others well, it does require that you know yourself to some extent. Any how, I sound like a broken record at this point (and probably not explaining it the best) but these are just some things I've learned along the way.
 

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I've also recently been starting to feel this growing loneliness and bitterness about all this stuff. I know that these are VERY privileged problems and I feel guilty for even feeling this way (again with the guilt lol). I always assumed things would work out and fall into place somehow. I'd meet the right person at the right time and all my problems around these issues would work out naturally. But I know life doesn't actually work that way. What if I have already ruined many great opportunities for relationships and growth because I have been too afraid to jump in? I don't want to keep doing that but I'm afraid I will fuck up my own mental health if I force myself into stuff when I don't feel right about it. It's really hard to say what where the line between normal nervousness that comes with growing up is. I don't know if other people have similar struggles and are just braver than me about them.
I know exactly how you feel, believe me. College was a social struggle for me for exactly these reasons. I was trying desperately to conform to what I believed was the norm for guys. The fact that it felt all wrong only made me feel worse about myself. I had worked really hard in high school to overcome my body image issue through countless hours in the gym. When I got to college I had girls wanting me constantly, yet I either botched my opportunities or passed on them deliberately. I just couldn't do the whole easy-come-easy-go thing. It wasn't me. But at that point, I didn't know why, so I beat myself up for not doing what I was "supposed" to do. I was totally confused about who I was and who I wanted to be.

And yes, bitterness begins to creep in when you feel like you can't win. That's where most INxx guys' bitterness originates when it comes to sex and dating. Girls often try to accuse us of entitlement or whatever, but that's not it. INFx guys especially feel very little entitlement with girls, because we're usually so unconfident in our overall attractiveness. So it's not entitlement at all that inflames our sense of bitterness, but rather a sense that no matter what we do, we can't win. I drove myself to exhaustion to get the six pack and ripped pecs I was sure would solve my dating problems, but it didn't happen. What I didn't realize then was that I was failing because I wasn't being true to myself, which is, I suspect, what is going on with you.

My advice to you is to try to shut out as many outside influences as you can and start to search for the truth of you. It sounds like a cliché, but it's true. Fe makes us masters of understanding others while being novices at assessing ourselves. It's a very INFJ thing, the therapist who works wonders with his patients but whose own life is a disaster zone. Do NOT force yourself into anything you don't want to do. There is not penalty for remaining single or a virgin, none at all. It may feel bad to you to think that you're "behind" in life, but that's nonsense. "Behind" is not a bad place to be, anyhow, when the finish line is death. So take on your life at your own pace with the understanding that your life will be different from all the ES people around you. It's taken me years to accept this, but it's been the only way I've started to gain peace in my life.
 

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I know exactly how you feel, believe me. College was a social struggle for me for exactly these reasons. I was trying desperately to conform to what I believed was the norm for guys. The fact that it felt all wrong only made me feel worse about myself. I had worked really hard in high school to overcome my body image issue through countless hours in the gym. When I got to college I had girls wanting me constantly, yet I either botched my opportunities or passed on them deliberately. I just couldn't do the whole easy-come-easy-go thing. It wasn't me. But at that point, I didn't know why, so I beat myself up for not doing what I was "supposed" to do. I was totally confused about who I was and who I wanted to be.

And yes, bitterness begins to creep in when you feel like you can't win. That's where most INxx guys' bitterness originates when it comes to sex and dating. Girls often try to accuse us of entitlement or whatever, but that's not it. INFx guys especially feel very little entitlement with girls, because we're usually so unconfident in our overall attractiveness. So it's not entitlement at all that inflames our sense of bitterness, but rather a sense that no matter what we do, we can't win. I drove myself to exhaustion to get the six pack and ripped pecs I was sure would solve my dating problems, but it didn't happen. What I didn't realize then was that I was failing because I wasn't being true to myself, which is, I suspect, what is going on with you.

My advice to you is to try to shut out as many outside influences as you can and start to search for the truth of you. It sounds like a cliché, but it's true. Fe makes us masters of understanding others while being novices at assessing ourselves. It's a very INFJ thing, the therapist who works wonders with his patients but whose own life is a disaster zone. Do NOT force yourself into anything you don't want to do. There is not penalty for remaining single or a virgin, none at all. It may feel bad to you to think that you're "behind" in life, but that's nonsense. "Behind" is not a bad place to be, anyhow, when the finish line is death. So take on your life at your own pace with the understanding that your life will be different from all the ES people around you. It's taken me years to accept this, but it's been the only way I've started to gain peace in my life.
Your posts always have an unbelievable amount of wisdom!
 

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Discussion Starter #20 (Edited)
I know exactly how you feel, believe me. College was a social struggle for me for exactly these reasons. I was trying desperately to conform to what I believed was the norm for guys. The fact that it felt all wrong only made me feel worse about myself. I had worked really hard in high school to overcome my body image issue through countless hours in the gym. When I got to college I had girls wanting me constantly, yet I either botched my opportunities or passed on them deliberately. I just couldn't do the whole easy-come-easy-go thing. It wasn't me. But at that point, I didn't know why, so I beat myself up for not doing what I was "supposed" to do. I was totally confused about who I was and who I wanted to be.
Thank you for taking the time to respond! :)

I've been starting to try and work out more these days and I'm getting more into makeup/fashion and all that stuff. I've been starting to dress more "sexy" to maybe make myself feel more like that inside too. I'm becoming the ultimate tease lol :,D a college girl who goes out dressed slutty and hangs out with guys but never even kisses anyone... funny what my life has become. I don't even really know why I'm doing this, I guess I'm just hoping if I try to act different and dress different and hang out with different people I will become different too.

And yes, bitterness begins to creep in when you feel like you can't win. That's where most INxx guys' bitterness originates when it comes to sex and dating. Girls often try to accuse us of entitlement or whatever, but that's not it. INFx guys especially feel very little entitlement with girls, because we're usually so unconfident in our overall attractiveness. So it's not entitlement at all that inflames our sense of bitterness, but rather a sense that no matter what we do, we can't win. I drove myself to exhaustion to get the six pack and ripped pecs I was sure would solve my dating problems, but it didn't happen. What I didn't realize then was that I was failing because I wasn't being true to myself, which is, I suspect, what is going on with you.
My advice to you is to try to shut out as many outside influences as you can and start to search for the truth of you. It sounds like a cliché, but it's true. Fe makes us masters of understanding others while being novices at assessing ourselves. It's a very INFJ thing, the therapist who works wonders with his patients but whose own life is a disaster zone. Do NOT force yourself into anything you don't want to do. There is not penalty for remaining single or a virgin, none at all. It may feel bad to you to think that you're "behind" in life, but that's nonsense. "Behind" is not a bad place to be, anyhow, when the finish line is death. So take on your life at your own pace with the understanding that your life will be different from all the ES people around you. It's taken me years to accept this, but it's been the only way I've started to gain peace in my life.
I'm not really sure what's the right call for me atm. I've always lived such a boring and "good girl" life. It hasn't made me happy lately and completely honestly it's exhausting being me on a daily basis. I'm so tired of my over analyzing , emotionally unstable and nervous self. I live for the moments where I was tone that out, even a little bit, and that happens with my ESXX friends. I feel like in many ways I fit into that world, I can be very social and outgoing for a while at least and I enjoy getting to meet interesting new people and learning new perspectives on life.

I think the problem is I just don't have an proper outlet for my Ni side, so living on my other functions can be draining. I think I'm just in a strange place in my life and I don't know who I am anymore or who I really want to be. I see my friends and the guy I am into having the time of their lives always and not worrying about everything and I'm sad I'm not like them. I feel like there's a curtain that separates me from them, it's all fun and games for a while but at the end of the night they all get their needs met with casual hook ups and whatever and I'm left feeling confused and empty. I think I've just always had this inherent sadness in my that most people don't have or understand, even I don't understand it. Like feeling homesick for people who I don't even know exist. This is exactly the kind of bullshit I couldn't talk about with my college friends, they would be nice about it but they wouldn't really get it.
 
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