Why is it “weird” to have romantic feelings for a guy, and why should you feel guilty for being attracted to guys you already know? This is some sort of bizarre code girls have concocted regarding attraction. Everyone in your lives has to be labeled and compartmentalized. A guy is either an acquaintance, a friend, a close friend, or a boyfriend. And if a guy is ever labeled with one category, he will bear that forevermore. No no no…not. Life isn’t so neat and tidy. People sometimes come to love others only after knowing them for a time. Some relationships morph during their course so that acquaintances become friends and eventually lovers. In fact, this is how most relationships progress.
I'd just like to start by saying thank you for your thought out and detailed response! The guilt is not a logical thing, I know. I have this stupid internal built in guilt that makes me feel guilty for wanting anything selfish (like a friend in that way), kind of like a Catholic guilt, but I'm not even religious. I think a lot of it has to do with my upbringing and how I was always told I was selfish and I'm always trying to subconsciously be such a friggin prude goodie. It's time to grow out of that at 23 honestly I think. I'm also confused about my own feelings a lot, since I'm good at forming close deep friendships with people, I have had only close female friends all my life. Now that I am older, I've for the first time in my life actually started to form close guy friend relationships in the last year. Which causes confusion for a straight but also prudish person like me
This is the normal state of college life for INFJs. College social life is very ESFP in nature, or at least that’s the stated ideal. Hooking up, meeting new people constantly, going on 5 dates a week…these are supposed to be the norm for college students. And if you don’t meet this “standard”? Well, then you’re a freak, a weirdo, a social leper, a loser, and an untouchable meant for perpetual loneliness and a life spent cohabitating with multiple cats. Again, no no no…not. The fact that you need depth in your relationships and true intimacy before sex is simply a part of who you are. I am the same, and it was even worse for me, given that the pressure to get laid and have a number of sex partners is even greater for guys. But believe me, you are not on the wrong track. What you are feeling is normal for INFJs. Cold comfort, I know, but such is our lot.
Funnily enough, it's nice to hear that someone else felt the same way in college. I don't know anyone who is quite like me. I have some shier friends too, but somehow they still end up having orgies in a random college dorm like it's nothing. I just don't understand how it's so easy for everyone else :,00 Just meet someone, have a few drinks and get fully naked with random people, I don't want to judge what other people are doing (live your best sex lives woohoo), but that sounds really gross to me. I also feel like it's relevant to mention here that I'm not some pure innocent angel, I go out and drink and dabble in other substances and like getting wasted and being stupid, I just can't turn off the prude side of my brain enough to even make out with someone at a club. I don't really care about peer pressure to hook up and whatever, I've never been a person who is effected by that stuff very much anyway. I just don't want to miss out on living my life to the fullest and having meaningful relationships because of my inability to loosen up about this stuff.
Forget about “the norm these days.” The norm is also mass shootings, terrorist attacks, murders, riots, and TV shows featuring Kardashians. “Normal” these may be, but they’re sick and demented all the same. You need to focus on what makes you happy and fulfilled. And remember, there are guys who feel the same as you about relationships. Many of us don’t do microwave relationships either. We need real intimacy before we get sexual with a girl. That’s why there’s so much angst among guys about the friend zone. Girls seem to expect us to make moves and get sexual quickly upon meeting them, and we don’t all work that way. Those of us who aren’t ESFP players take time to get to know a girl and decide that we trust her enough to be open with her. Yet, we’re told that this takes too long, that we’re wimps for not knowing our feelings right away, that we don’t deserve female companionship if we need time to figure it out. I think we need to put all this crap aside and do what makes sense to us as individuals. The norm is for normal people. I’m not normal and have no desire to follow the normal order of things.
I'm sure there are plenty of guys who might get it. Somewhere out there. I've lived off that hope for my whole high school and college life, but somehow I don't seem to attract or find those people. I think that's also my fault, since I do have this outgoing/wild side I tend to not be attracted to shy guys. I am a shy and insecure person and am drawn to outgoing and brave people who make me feel more "normal" and social and connected to the world. I have plenty of fellow introverts and feelers as friends, but unfortunately the company I am currently most drawn to are ISTPs, ISFPs, ENFPs and ESTPs.
The friend I currently have feelings for is and ESTP and I know in my heart it's a terrible idea. But I can't stop thinking about what if I just go with it? I know he's into me, he didn't just randomly become friends with me, there was always an underlying attraction there. He always has a lot of girls around him and he flirts with everyone all the time. I think it was easy for me to be just friends with him initially, since I really never thought anything could ever happen until I randomly started to over 6 months into the friendship. But he's a genuinely good and kind person, but just not emotionally mature enough for someone who as much of a mess like me, and he's not looking to settle down etc.
I've also recently been starting to feel this growing loneliness and bitterness about all this stuff. I know that these are VERY privileged problems and I feel guilty for even feeling this way (again with the guilt lol). I always assumed things would work out and fall into place somehow. I'd meet the right person at the right time and all my problems around these issues would work out naturally. But I know life doesn't actually work that way. What if I have already ruined many great opportunities for relationships and growth because I have been too afraid to jump in? I don't want to keep doing that but I'm afraid I will fuck up my own mental health if I force myself into stuff when I don't feel right about it. It's really hard to say what where the line between normal nervousness that comes with growing up is. I don't know if other people have similar struggles and are just braver than me about them.