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Discussion Starter #1
OK... I apologize in advance for making a thread about this. But it pretty much sums up my "overthinking about everything especially females" life. Add in the trivial nature of facebook (or is it serous!?) and unless you like gooey, indecisive, and plain embarrassing INTP expression of Fe you best move on. And it's long. Long and trivial. Ok I warned you.

So three years ago I was reminded of the existence of this girl I knew as a friend of my sister when they were younger (9-12 years old) by way of meeting current mutual friends of this girl (henceforth known as Jane). These people are not friends to me however, more acquaintances if that (and they're kind of weird, so leave out any idea that they are going to "reintroduce" me to Jane)

But, Ah, I thought, wouldn't it be interesting to see what Jane is up to these days and how she looks. So I visited her facebook page and was pleasantly surprised. She was perfectly attractive and had pictures of her enjoying many of the same activities I do. In short, I thought to myself, maybe for the first time ever, wow that looks like a good match for you "sandblaster". Curiosity is piqued and I want to find out more. But would it be appropriate to send a friend request? I had not talked to her in 10 years and even then I believe there was a bit of tension/unfriendliness when my sister did have her over as her friend that long ago. (we are 2 years apart in age). How would such a request be received? Would it be proper for me to make one solely on the basis of being physically attracted to her?

Let me digress for a bit here... I find the most awkward, horrible feeling that modern social media/technology provides us with is being someone's "friend" on facebook while never having spoke a word to them(or minimal words), yet knowing who they are, and then being confronted by their physical presence one day. I mean, you were never properly introduced in the first place,,, so it's like "Hey, I'm so and so, we're friends on Facebook" ??? :bored:

Yeah so I always want to avoid those situations, and since other people seem to do it to me (request me as a friend without me actually knowing them), I try and not subject other people to the same thing that torments me.


Back to Jane's facebook profile. I visited it with some frequency over the next few years. (wow I hope this isn't as creepy as it comes off sounding). Maybe 2x per month. I don't know why. Sometimes a several times a week. It's not like there was anything there either, maybe 2 -4 pictures were public even and not much activity was public either. I guess I just liked to be reminded that she existed. At times infatuated and most other times just whimsical interest.

I told my friend about it a full TWO YEARS after I first had rediscovered Jane's social media presence. He said, well shoot man just friend request her?! After a "talk" I decided to "man up" and hit that stupid button. 10 days passed. No acceptance. Being polite I decided to "Cancel Friend Request" to spare her what apparently (?) was indecision/ inevitable rejection. Or maybe just she was away on a trip. (and even I sometimes don't accept people's friend requests after 10, 30, 360 days myself, if I'm not that excited about them).

Well that was a year ago. It's coming up on 3 years of sitting here behind a freaking computer not even taking the simplest step to put myself out there with a virtual profile. Cue the Beatles, right?

My reluctance is based on three things I can articulate (who knows what else lies in my subconscious):

1. Being polite and the golden rule. For example, I have been sitting on two friend requests from two females for over a month now, simply because I've already looked at their profiles and I see nothing in them that would make me want to engage them as friends- that is to say, I hate receiving unsolicited friend requests, so why would I subject Jane to the same thing? It just seems weird to send friend requests out of the total blue.

2. Propriety- Is this a creeper move? Why am I even looking at her profile, thinking about compatibility if I don't even know her in real life (obviously a lot can change in the 10 years since I "kind of" knew her as my sister's playmate).

3. Avoiding awkwardness- I'm scared to death of it. Worst situation would be: become facebook friends, see her in a store or in public, I recognize her and 1. make contact awkwardly "hey remember me"? or 2. we both recognize each other but I'm too shy to do anything.

I am 23 years old, I think of myself as socially well adjusted and pretty normal(well,,, you may feel differently after reading the above), but basically have very high standards for women I would want to invest myself in, and the current geographic area that I live (which is 900 miles from where Jane lives BTW- however, I do make visits several times per year to her general area) is not conducive to holding my "type" of female. So yeah, Jane- or rather the idea of Jane- remains as my top interest even though I don't even know her.

Fellow INTPs, have you ever struggled in a similar situation or are you just going to hurt my feelings and tell me to "get real"? :shocked:


I can't believe I wrote this. :unsure:
 

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Personally, I don't think it's creepy. but i've been in your situation, and girls tend to think so. My friends and I have decided that to a girl, creepy is any guy who isn't cute or that they aren't interested in who might have a slight interest in them. So I don't know. I look up old school friends from time to time. even ones i didn't particularly get along with just to see where they went. did they receive their just desserts, did they fall off the wagon somewhere. I can't really tell you what she'd think or what you should do though because I don't really know the situation or anything. what you describe as not getting along could be anything. could've all been inside your head. Sorry bro. if you really want to reestablish contact, I'd suggest taking it slow. Hey came across your profile, wanted to see what you were up to these days... I mean what's the worst that could happen. She thinks your a creep and then see you later. It's not like ya'll have to see each other every other day or share the same friends so that it your life would be extremely awkward (like mine has become)...
 

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Is there a TL;DR version?
 
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Discussion Starter #5
Personally, I don't think it's creepy. but i've been in your situation, and girls tend to think so. My friends and I have decided that to a girl, creepy is any guy who isn't cute or that they aren't interested in who might have a slight interest in them. So I don't know. I look up old school friends from time to time. even ones i didn't particularly get along with just to see where they went. did they receive their just desserts, did they fall off the wagon somewhere. I can't really tell you what she'd think or what you should do though because I don't really know the situation or anything. what you describe as not getting along could be anything. could've all been inside your head. Sorry bro. if you really want to reestablish contact, I'd suggest taking it slow. Hey came across your profile, wanted to see what you were up to these days... I mean what's the worst that could happen. She thinks your a creep and then see you later. It's not like ya'll have to see each other every other day or share the same friends so that it your life would be extremely awkward (like mine has become)...
Thanks....

Is there a TL;DR version?
And it's long. Long and trivial. Ok I warned you.
OP is a hyper analytical person who doesn't have the slightest instincts for spitting any game and is insecure with most all interaction with the opposite sex, especially crushes, and wants fellow INTPs to provide support in his misery confronting his inferior function.
 

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Thanks....

OP is a hyper analytical person who doesn't have the slightest instincts for spitting any game and is insecure with most all interaction with the opposite sex, especially crushes, and wants fellow INTPs to provide support in his misery confronting his inferior function.
Oh. Go you? Spit :unsure: that game?

So, scanning:

Liked girl
Casually eStalked
Sent friendship request
Nothing happened
Cancelled request

Facebook's a fickle cow. I recently broke off a friendship with someone by unfriending them. Didn't think they'd notice, but they did. Why does everyone want to friend each other, when a simple message will suffice? Scratch that, messages are often just as weird (if they're long like the OP). Short messages are fine. If they build into something, great, if not just let them fade.

At the risk of over-mentioning, @NT the DC is supposedly good with the ladies and the Facebooks.
 

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King of Seduction
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Oh. Go you? Spit that game?

So, scanning:

Liked girl
Casually eStalked
Sent friendship request
Nothing happened
Cancelled request

Facebook's a fickle cow. I recently broke off a friendship with someone by unfriending them. Didn't think they'd notice, but they did. Why does everyone want to friend each other, when a simple message will suffice? Scratch that, messages are often just as weird (if they're long like the OP). Short messages are fine. If they build into something, great, if not just let them fade.

At the risk of over-mentioning, @NT the DC is supposedly good with the ladies and the Facebooks.
 

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You probably like the idea of her more than you'd actually like her.

Imagine that she had accepted your friend request. Then what? Then you'll be sitting there for another three years wondering if it would be creepy to talk to her. Even if you do manage to talk to her on Facebook, you're never going to see her in person. You're 900 miles apart. If you did see her in person, you've said yourself that you wouldn't have the guts to talk to her then either.

All in all, there's just no point. I think you should get a load of cats and call it a day.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Why does everyone want to friend each other, when a simple message will suffice? Scratch that, messages are often just as weird (if they're long like the OP). Short messages are fine. If they build into something, great, if not just let them fade.
Because I'm not that outgoing! I can't even put into text any sort of attempt at making contact. You just wouldn't understand maybe, mister extroverted sensor! The reason why I would like to friend, is so she can see who I am (as represented by the content on my facebook profile) and then if there is any mutual interest, ie eventually, even occasional "liking" of pictures/posts, we might be some place. But there is no way I would message her, especially up front. Unless there was something to talk about other than the concept of "us". Like if she had a genuine interest in an activity of mine that she saw on my page, or vice versa, and there was knowledge to be acquired as a result of a textual communication. Anything else is too awkward, at least for me to initiate, as such a stage.

Obviously I am not one for action, as it is 3 years, that is 1,095 days BTW, of only one very subtle action which ended in retreat.

You probably like the idea of her more than you'd actually like her.

Imagine that she had accepted your friend request. Then what? Then you'll be sitting there for another three years wondering if it would be creepy to talk to her. Even if you do manage to talk to her on Facebook, you're never going to see her in person. You're 900 miles apart. If you did see her in person, you've said yourself that you wouldn't have the guts to talk to her then either.

All in all, there's just no point. I think you should get a load of cats and call it a day.
See if above "logic" somehow addresses your thoughts.

I will admit I am sort of the hopeless romantic type that longs for a "You've Got Mail/Sleepless in Seattle happily ever after" meet up. But really... if there was any sign of mutual interest I might, um maybe meet with her.
 

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Because I'm not that outgoing! I can't even put into text any sort of attempt at making contact. You just wouldn't understand maybe, mister extroverted sensor! The reason why I would like to friend, is so she can see who I am (as represented by the content on my facebook profile) and then if there is any mutual interest, ie eventually, even occasional "liking" of pictures/posts, we might be some place. But there is no way I would message her, especially up front. Unless there was something to talk about other than the concept of "us". Like if she had a genuine interest in an activity of mine that she saw on my page, or vice versa, and there was knowledge to be acquired as a result of a textual communication. Anything else is too awkward, at least for me to initiate, as such an early stage.

Obviously I am not one for action, as it is 3 years, that is 1,095 days BTW, of only one very subtle action which ended in retreat.
You friended her. That's way more outgoing than messaging. Rude, but outgoing. Presumptuous.

If you have nothing to talk about then don't try to openly eStalk her. If you share nothing in common, then keep your crushing to your own private space. A friendship request from the opposite gender for no particular reason is kinda rude.
 

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King of Seduction
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To OP:
LOL

Dude wtf? If you want her to accept your friend request here's what you do...
1) If possible send a private message - Hey! I'm pretty sure you were a friend of my sister, how are you?
2) Send friend request if she responds or if you aren't able to send a private message

I have a ton of friend requests that I don't accept including my cousin's (basically my brother) baby momma.
I've rejected her multiple friend requests for years and I see her on almost a weekly basis.
She gets mad but who gives a shit?
And if someone doesn't accept your friend request who gives a shit lol.
Lots of people should catch your attention.

Advice: Stop fooling yourself into thinking you aren't dating people because you're too picky.
It's because you're scared to get rejected.
 

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900 miles?


900 MILES?


So basically you're pressing the snooze button on establishing friendships with local girls to instead cultivate feelings for one who is 900 miles and 10 years away, and you're still really not sure why you can't just contact her? Is it because she's at such a safe distance that you're only required to look at pictures of her and sort of daydream her fitting into your life with no real social pressures or awkwardness or rejection or reality-based disappointments? She's basically a Virtual Girlfriend template.


Maybe she doesn't really remember you. Maybe she's a realist who (outside of family) only friends people she can actually connect with IRL. Has your sister friended her? Maybe this whole time she's had one of those 'Who Is Facebook-Stalking You?' apps on her account and is well aware of you lurching her 2-3 times per month for 2+ years. That kind of thing usually creeps girls out regardless of whether they personally think you're good looking. Going forward, you need to shorten your "facebook romantic candidate evaluation period" to 30 days or less.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
To OP:
LOL

Dude wtf? If you want her to accept your friend request here's what you do...
1) If possible send a private message - Hey! I'm pretty sure you were a friend of my sister, how are you?
I tried that before with a really hot girl down the street, tried to make small talk over FB message, no reply, scarred me for life. This is literally the person I am.

Advice: Stop fooling yourself into thinking you aren't dating people because you're too picky.
It's because you're scared to get rejected.
Yes, this is true obviously about the rejected part. But... no seriously I do have very picky standards, I have girls hit on me on occasion(probably more if I actually had a social life) and I totally ignore them because I have 0 interest. I have little interest in just playing around with anyone; if I am to enter into a relationship they better be frickin awesome. Sorry if that sounds too picky it's just my philosophy.

900 MILES?


So basically you're pressing the snooze button on establishing friendships with local girls to instead cultivate feelings for one who is 900 miles and 10 years away, and you're still really not sure why you can't just contact her? Is it because she's at such a safe distance that you're only required to look at pictures of her and sort of daydream her fitting into your life with no real social pressures or awkwardness or rejection or reality-based disappointments? She's basically a Virtual Girlfriend template.


Maybe she doesn't really remember you. Maybe she's a realist who (outside of family) only friends people she can actually connect with IRL. Has your sister friended her? Maybe this whole time she's had one of those 'Who Is Facebook-Stalking You?' apps on her account and is well aware of you lurching her 2-3 times per month for 2+ years. That kind of thing usually creeps girls out regardless of whether they personally think you're good looking. Going forward, you need to shorten your "facebook romantic candidate evaluation period" to 30 days or less.
Local girls... I just don't care for, as far as I've seen. I can not think of any that are outdoorsy enough, interesting enough, meeting my standards enough. I am looking for something more culturally interesting than the homogenic females in my area.


Yes my sister has been FB friend with her for 3 years. Jeeze I hope those apps you mentioned don't really exist?!


And sorry to those who are reading this thread and thinking it quite self-indulgent. I hope that by sharing my situation maybe broader themes might be explored.

I do appreciate the replies, I am fine to take criticism, and airing this 3 year angst out in the open is cathartic in a sense.
 

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King of Seduction
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I tried that before with a really hot girl down the street, tried to make small talk over FB message, no reply, scarred me for life. This is literally the person I am.



Yes, this is true obviously about the rejected part. But... no seriously I do have very picky standards, I have girls hit on me on occasion(probably more if I actually had a social life) and I totally ignore them because I have 0 interest. I have little interest in just playing around with anyone; if I am to enter into a relationship they better be frickin awesome. Sorry if that sounds too picky it's just my philosophy.
You can "be picky" but I doubt that's the reason you're not dating anyone.
I'm picky but I take shots and strike out sometimes that's why I'm only single if I want to be single.
(Ha)

Getting rejected by social media or dating sites is literally the least painful way possible to get rejected that I can think of.

If you can't handle that - it just tells me that you're super afraid of rejection and likely extremely rarely make the first move. Paralysis by analysis and somehow you've convinced yourself that it's your high standards.

I think being scared to get rejected by a girl who lives 900 miles away who you barely know is beyond phobic.
 

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I tried that before with a really hot girl down the street, tried to make small talk over FB message, no reply, scarred me for life. This is literally the person I am.
Stop whining and do as he says.

Be upbeat, be upfront and outgoing.

Not in a way that you tell her that you'd do her since she looks hot now 10 years after, but be all enthusiastic like "Woah, long time no see, wouldn't have thought to see you again! How you been, whatcha up to these days?" and take it from there.

She'll likely respond to your message (and request) if she can/does remember you (Many people have the memory capacity of a gold fish, don't take it personally)

Oh, and drop the romanticism with strangers, it's quite unhealthy and often-times delusional. I know what I'm talking about, story of my life right there.

 

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King of Seduction
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Stop whining and do as he says.

Be upbeat, be upfront and outgoing.

Not in a way that you tell her that you'd do her since she looks hot now 10 years after, but be all enthusiastic like "Woah, long time no see, wouldn't have thought to see you again! How you been, whatcha up to these days?" and take it from there.

She'll likely respond to your message (and request) if she can/does remember you (Many people have the memory capacity of a gold fish, don't take it personally)

Oh, and drop the romanticism with strangers, it's quite unhealthy and often-times delusional. I know what I'm talking about, story of my life right there.


 
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