Well, I’ll start! INTP's feel free to contribute- I sense there are more INTP's on this site than ISFJ's. Is that a part of our personality? Probably, I've been coming to this site for a while without posting anything
What do you think makes the relationship work so well?
We have both studied our personalities a lot. I think knowing how we differ, how we are similar and what our weaknesses are has been very helpful. Sometimes when I’m having a hard time understanding him I like to go on to websites and read about INTP’s just to remind myself that we are very different and something that means something to me can mean nothing to him. Communicating to each other what is important to us has been really helpful.
We both realize if it is going to work, we both need to work at recognizing and appreciate each other for who we are. It’s pointless to try to change each other- we both like who we are now. But we can both make an effort without changing who we are.
I read somewhere that an ISFJ and INTP relationship will never work. Mostly because the ISFJ will never recognize what the INTP does for the ISFJ. While I can appreciate that sentiment and see where it might derive from, I believe that if both parties make an effort- it is possible to have a fully functioning and well developed ISFJ/INTP relationship. I think for this kind of relationship to work, both partners have to be mature and have common interests beyond their personalities. For example: we both love to travel and we are great travel partners.
What sort of issues have you encountered?
Of course the emotions have been a huge obstacle. Sometimes I feel unappreciated, I feel neglected, or that he just doesn’t get me, or I try harder than he does. The latter I’ve been feeling less and less. The more I read about INTPs the more I realize that the things he does for me take a great deal of effort for him. The process of thinking to buy flowers, buying the flowers, and then producing flowers at appropriate time is actually a really hard task for an INTP. The same goes for dates, vacations, etc. As an ISFJ I like little surprises and I like them to happen all the time! I am still trying to learn to appreciate the “little things” as “big things” for him and for us. He gets really boyishly proud of himself when he does something cute for me or when he can solve one of my problems. That’s what I’ve come to appreciate. It’s not going to happen all the time, but when it really matters, he’s there (like when there is no milk for breakfast in the fridge and it’s 11:55 pm and the store across the street closes at midnight).
Chick flicks are a HUGE issue for me! I constantly have to remind myself that they are movies things aren’t always perfect 100 percent of the time in real life and you never know your own ending. Sometimes I like to nudge him and say “that was really cute” during a movie, in the hopes that he’ll do something like that for me. But just having a boyfriend who will watch a chick flick with me is nice, and in turn sometimes I watch movies that have violence in them just so we can spend the time together.
How do you resolve problems?
As an ISFJ I have a lot of patience. Patience is always helpful when dealing with an INTP. Communication is also important. I used to think I was excellent at expressing my feelings. Then when I started a long term relationship I realized I sort of suck at it. I express my thoughts really eloquently in my head but when it comes to getting words out in the heat of the moment I’m a complete mess. I do need to work better at not exploding in a fit of emotion and depression after a night out (I don’t know if this is a common ISFJ thing…) It’s better to get things that I’ve been thinking about out in the open before they explode without warning. I have a feeling this is easier the longer the relationship and the more comfortable you feel. I’m still working on this.
How do you control being emotionally needy?
It’s something I have to be really aware of. Both being Introverted and needing our alone time has been helpful- just having him in the same room makes me feel like I’m getting some “time” with him even if we aren’t talking or doing the same thing.
I obviously haven’t mastered it. But I have great friends to bounce my emotions off of and an INTP who will listen even if he can’t reciprocate my gush of emotions.
Do you have an outlet for your emotions?
I keep a private journal.
Do you live together well?
The ISFJ in me wants everything done right and done now. The INTP in him wants to put it off until later, or doesn’t “see” it therefore it doesn’t bother him. I’ve found that if I ask him to do something and I make it easy to do, he will do it. Example: Please throw your laundry in the basket. Instead of having a laundry bag that you have to open and close or a basket with a top on it- having a bin with no lid allows for easy access and dunk shots.
I think one of the best thing about INTPs dating an ISFJ is that they are very VERY laid back and we are very much not. It’s a great balance. He loosens me up and I keep him down to earth. After all, I can’t be uptight all the time, and he has to pay his bills .