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Hey guys,

I'm new so bear with me and let me know if anything is not okay. I'm ENFP so I hope it's okay to be posting here.

I need your advice. What do you think happens when an ESTP is unhealthy? Not ill necessarily, just letting the negative aspects of their personality shine through. How do you come back from that?


Basically, I've been seeing a person who strings me along just enough, then literally gets up and leaves for another country and doesn't seem to care when I miss them. We have never been together, but I let myself fall into the rut of doing things for them and being-there-for-them (hoping to be their stability) without receiving very much in return. This continued to the point where I'd be grateful for things that should be bare-minimum, like them wanting to spend time with me. Worst part is I was aware of it and having conversations about it, but my feelings and impulses just always seemed to get the best of me. They look out for themselves, and I look out for them, and I KNOW I need to look out for myself, but I don't.

I've pulled myself out of it, and have things on hold, but a small part of me wants to examine MBTI as a potential structure for pulling this person out of a selfish rut. I refuse to compromise a person's identity in order to 'fix' them, but can I help this person realise who they are instead? This person (I strongly suspect they are an ISTP) has good in them, and can care about people. They just aren't mature enough to show it yet. Should I stay, or should I go?
 

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Where's the manipulation? Or unhealthy behavior?

I'm not seeing it ... Honestly.

You are doing things for someone who isn't even in a relationship with you and expecting them to fulfill unsaid expectations.

Unless there's more there with regards to them not fulfilling promises they made (implied or otherwise) to you personally then that puts you in the nice guy/nice girl territory.
 

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Hey guys,

I'm new so bear with me and let me know if anything is not okay. I'm ENFP so I hope it's okay to be posting here.

I need your advice. What do you think happens when an ESTP is unhealthy? Not ill necessarily, just letting the negative aspects of their personality shine through. How do you come back from that?


Basically, I've been seeing a person who strings me along just enough, then literally gets up and leaves for another country and doesn't seem to care when I miss them. We have never been together, but I let myself fall into the rut of doing things for them and being-there-for-them (hoping to be their stability) without receiving very much in return. This continued to the point where I'd be grateful for things that should be bare-minimum, like them wanting to spend time with me. Worst part is I was aware of it and having conversations about it, but my feelings and impulses just always seemed to get the best of me. They look out for themselves, and I look out for them, and I KNOW I need to look out for myself, but I don't.

I've pulled myself out of it, and have things on hold, but a small part of me wants to examine MBTI as a potential structure for pulling this person out of a selfish rut. I refuse to compromise a person's identity in order to 'fix' them, but can I help this person realise who they are instead? This person (I strongly suspect they are an ISTP) has good in them, and can care about people. They just aren't mature enough to show it yet. Should I stay, or should I go?
ESTP's are lead... if you want to be with one, you must follow. If you try to keep an ESTP in your bucket, they will be miserable and your relationship will fail.
 

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Sounds like they've got an avoidant attachment style, but I can't tell from your brief description whether it's dismissive or fearful avoidant. You sound like your attachment style is more than a bit anxious preoccupied.


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Where's the manipulation? Or unhealthy behavior?

I'm not seeing it ... Honestly.

You are doing things for someone who isn't even in a relationship with you and expecting them to fulfill unsaid expectations.

Unless there's more there with regards to them not fulfilling promises they made (implied or otherwise) to you personally then that puts you in the nice guy/nice girl territory.
I agree. It sounds like this person is just doing their thing. Where are these expectations coming from? In your thread title, you mention "manipulative lover" but then you say that you two were never together. It sounds like the problem lies more with your expectations than with the person of whom you are speaking. Just my $.02.
 

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Hey guys,

I'm new so bear with me and let me know if anything is not okay. I'm ENFP so I hope it's okay to be posting here.

I need your advice. What do you think happens when an ESTP is unhealthy? Not ill necessarily, just letting the negative aspects of their personality shine through. How do you come back from that?


Basically, I've been seeing a person who strings me along just enough, then literally gets up and leaves for another country and doesn't seem to care when I miss them. We have never been together, but I let myself fall into the rut of doing things for them and being-there-for-them (hoping to be their stability) without receiving very much in return. This continued to the point where I'd be grateful for things that should be bare-minimum, like them wanting to spend time with me. Worst part is I was aware of it and having conversations about it, but my feelings and impulses just always seemed to get the best of me. They look out for themselves, and I look out for them, and I KNOW I need to look out for myself, but I don't.

I've pulled myself out of it, and have things on hold, but a small part of me wants to examine MBTI as a potential structure for pulling this person out of a selfish rut. I refuse to compromise a person's identity in order to 'fix' them, but can I help this person realise who they are instead? This person (I strongly suspect they are an ISTP) has good in them, and can care about people. They just aren't mature enough to show it yet. Should I stay, or should I go?
Hold the fuck up. "Fix them?"

1) You don't seem like an ENFP, but I could be wrong. I'm getting dom Fe vibes from you unless this is you using aux Fi in the most absurd way possible.

2) There's no manipulation here. If anyone who's doing the manipulation, it's you twisting this whole story around until you or him decide to fill more in. Like everyone else said, he's just doing his thing while you're having all these weird/silent expectations and from the sound of it, you haven't been straightforward with him have you about all these emotions you're having?

3) You don't 'fix' people. It's not your job or your business and he sure as hell does not sound like he cares enough about you to bother changing so don't count on it.
Also, you shouldn't expect people to 'change' to your standards. You accept them if you genuinely care for them.

Move along.
 
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