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Sorry to beat a dead horse people, I just really like the INFP I'm in a relationship with now and don't want to mess it up. In some ways she's so similar to me and in some ways she's so different.

Lets address the differences:

-She processes emotions very slowly where I process them lightning quick through Ne. Any thoughts on giving her space as she processes?

-I'm running out of 'dark stuff' in my life to confess to her - but when I confess my skeletons she gets really attracted. So, running thin, I'm not sure how to fill this void?

-Any general advice?

She's just a cute introverted fairy I have great chemistry with and would prefer not to lose. So, any advice you have in helping me keep her, do tell :)

Pic is us about to watch "Top Gun" which for me is practically a marriage proposal. Jk...

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-I'm running out of 'dark stuff' in my life to confess to her - but when I confess my skeletons she gets really attracted. So, running thin, I'm not sure how to fill this void?
I could lend you some. At a very attractive interest rate, between friends.
 

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Reading you I really get the feeling that you are affraid to run out of conversation topic with her x)... that's usualy INFP's concern, isn't it ? I personaly don't need to have a conversation, but that's a big insecurity for me, I never know if by not talking I am beeing annoying (am I an INFP with ENFP problems ?:crazy:). In my previous relationship, the extrovert I was with was trying to force the interaction, to the point that I had to report to her every 30 minutes on text and not dare not talking to her... soooooo... maybe I could say : don't be like my ex :ninja: .
 

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-She processes emotions very slowly where I process them lightning quick through Ne. Any thoughts on giving her space as she processes?
I think you just answered your own question.
Space meaning few disturbances, having that time to recover and work through your thoughts if need be. Introverts definitely need time alone to recharge. If I need time out I just say so, such as can I have a couple of hours to myself to partner. Maybe you could throw it in somewhere, 'if you ever need any time to yourself, just let me know', then she has your assurances and will come away with it with renewed sense of clarity. It's a positive for both sides!

Dawww! Never thought feety would look so cute! Was the film any good?
 

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Sorry to beat a dead horse people, I just really like the INFP I'm in a relationship with now and don't want to mess it up. In some ways she's so similar to me and in some ways she's so different.

Lets address the differences:

-She processes emotions very slowly where I process them lightning quick through Ne. Any thoughts on giving her space as she processes?

-I'm running out of 'dark stuff' in my life to confess to her - but when I confess my skeletons she gets really attracted. So, running thin, I'm not sure how to fill this void?

-Any general advice?

She's just a cute introverted fairy I have great chemistry with and would prefer not to lose. So, any advice you have in helping me keep her, do tell :)

Pic is us about to watch "Top Gun" which for me is practically a marriage proposal. Jk...

View attachment 813281
This made me laugh. Yea just make a joke about it saying I'm all out of skeletons in my closet or something. No one can keep that stuff up for ever.


With the needing space thing though. It might be hard but when she goes off by herself I'd say just let her come back to you. And if it seems strangely too long you can check up on her. But best bet is to let her comeback to you and you'll know she's done taking her alone time and good a ready to have company.
 

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She processes emotions very slowly where I process them lightning quick through Ne. Any thoughts on giving her space as she processes?

When I dated ENFP creature, he would get super frustrated with me because whenever something happened -good or bad- he would:
a) React to it immediate and express his thoughts+feelings that very instant.
b) Use me (in a good way) to bounce ideas off each other, cause he processed better out loud, talking, exchanging points of view.
And I would:
a) Not react to anything immediately, stay neutral with a normal smiley facial expression, not express opinion immediately, and if he ever asked me directly "What are you thinking?" in that initial moment, I would answer either "I don't know" or "Nothing", cause I was truly genuinely thinking or feeling nothing. I would process in solitude for like 3 days, and finally tell him the so-called verdict of a situation that happened 3 days ago. He would get shocked and upset "You still thinking about that? But that was 3 days ago" and also "But you said you felt nothing. And now you're saying you do feel/think something and you're describing it and it's so complex... you lied to me! You said "Nothing" but it was a lie!!!!". I tried to explain for years (yes years) that I never lied, and that when I said "Nothing" I mean exactly that, and I had to explain for yeeeeears that I take days to process. He would say he understood my process, but really he didn't, cause the same issue came up over and over. I got accused of lying constantly.
b) He longed for me to be someone who relied on him to process my stuff. He wanted to feel like I needed him, feel that he was useful to me. But I've never ever ever been that kind of person and never will. I didn't use him for bouncing off ideas in the same sense that he did, and this hurt him deeply, he said it made him feel useless and disconnected from me.

With this said, my advice is:
- She's not lying to you if she says she's cool when something happens and then she shows up 3 days later with a whole dissertation of her opinion on what happened. She feels truly cool and fine, and that's the truth. Processing will happen when you leave.
- Bouncing off ideas =/= processing. Processing require aloneness, that's just how it is. You can't change a person, and you can't expect her to rely on you to form her opinions or to explore her Fi. You will be useful as a man to her in other ways, but not that.
- Giving her space: There's no mystery to this. You will notice she talks to you less. Doesn't mean you aren't welcome into her space. If she's retreating and you want to talk, talk to her. You should be yourself, follow what you want, and in case of doubt, ask. My ENFP asked me all the time "You need to be alone?"

I'm running out of 'dark stuff' in my life to confess to her - but when I confess my skeletons she gets really attracted. So, running thin, I'm not sure how to fill this void?

There's nothing to fill, nobody to impress. My ENFP constantly wanted to impress me, and I smelled this and it made me dislike him. He seemed insecure when tried to impress me, and I smelled this insecurity and it was off putting. He seemed arrogant too, which I dislike. Trying to impress is inauthentic. Be you period point blank.
Your daily life is already full of drama, trust me lol. All your problems at work, your problems with family, with friends, etc there's no way you'll run out of drama because that's what daily life is.

Any general advice?

Nope. Beyond your 2 questions above, nothing comes to mind. I found this pairing to be very communicative, I could always count on him to tell me every single thought and feeling he experienced, and I did the same with him, and whatever problems we had, we always discussed them calmly. xNFP is the only man creature that has never screamed at me, or that has never disappeared on me during conflict. So my advice, if anything, would be: during conflict stay calm, talk normal, and be present.
INFPs can't stand loud voices, or slamming doors, or aggressivity of any kind, or anything noisy and dramatic.
 

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Well firstly: I haven't been able to achieve it so far so take my word with some salt, but I do have a decent amount of experience in this specific area.

-She processes emotions very slowly where I process them lightning quick through Ne. Any thoughts on giving her space as she processes?
I don't know about this other than just let her have her one or two days away from you if she needs it. Sometimes it can be up to a couple of weeks if she feels it is something very significant or something that potentially poses great emotional stakes for her. I think the bigger thing is understanding how it works for an INFP- because if you don't then you may be surprised when she comes back after that reflection time and has a totally different attitude about something because of some reflection she has made. This can be either good or bad, but I think our goal might be to make sure that we set the standards so that when she goes away she has no reason to come up with a negative conclusion.
I'm running out of 'dark stuff' in my life to confess to her - but when I confess my skeletons she gets really attracted. So, running thin, I'm not sure how to fill this void?
Just be yourself. To be honest I think if you're trying to run a gimmick to keep her on board it's obviously not going to last, you've never ever ever ever heard of a lasting loving relationship based on those terms, it just doesn't happen. Also, I think a part of it is pacing yourself.. Maybe I'm a traditionalist but being a man is about being emotionally aware, even when she allows herself not to be, and so even if she keeps looking for that stuff to get her connection "fix" you need to be the one who is able to be aware of how to pace things and how not to just blow through that stuff. That's how you "burn out" a relationship and as we all know that's also a stereotype about us ENFPs in general, so definitely something we need to watch out for.

If things like pacing or emotional build up go wrong- she will probably put that onus on you. As the extrovert and the man in the equation, that's just our role in this dynamic.
She's just a cute introverted fairy I have great chemistry with and would prefer not to lose. So, any advice you have in helping me keep her, do tell :)
Pace yourself because if you come in at your hottest, you're inevitably going to have that wane, and then you may feel like you have nowhere else to go.

Personally I think my new emerging philosophy is that a 7/10 beginning to a relationship can often be better than an 8-9/10 hot and heavy connection. You're both able to think and appreciate things more clearly that way.

Again though- pinch of salt.
 

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Lets address the differences:

-She processes emotions very slowly where I process them lightning quick through Ne. Any thoughts on giving her space as she processes?

-I'm running out of 'dark stuff' in my life to confess to her - but when I confess my skeletons she gets really attracted. So, running thin, I'm not sure how to fill this void?

-Any general advice?
My advices probably aren't anything really useful this time but you've already more or less answered your own questions :) But actually both sides should consider the differences from the other person not only you - otherwise it'll become difficult in longer term anyway at some point. Don't worry about dark stuff and skeletons - your Ne brain should be easily able generate more of them as you need :) It's been more or less endless supply based on my around 40 years of lifetime so far.

Btw in overall very interesting reading here as it explains a lot which I didn't come up by myself, especially the difference in speed of processing feelings for INFP/ENFP! Wondering how much could anybody do about that inside themselves?
 

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Discussion Starter #11
When I dated ENFP creature, he would get super frustrated with me because whenever something happened -good or bad- he would:
a) React to it immediate and express his thoughts+feelings that very instant.
b) Use me (in a good way) to bounce ideas off each other, cause he processed better out loud, talking, exchanging points of view.
And I would:
a) Not react to anything immediately, stay neutral with a normal smiley facial expression, not express opinion immediately, and if he ever asked me directly "What are you thinking?" in that initial moment, I would answer either "I don't know" or "Nothing", cause I was truly genuinely thinking or feeling nothing. I would process in solitude for like 3 days, and finally tell him the so-called verdict of a situation that happened 3 days ago. He would get shocked and upset "You still thinking about that? But that was 3 days ago" and also "But you said you felt nothing. And now you're saying you do feel/think something and you're describing it and it's so complex... you lied to me! You said "Nothing" but it was a lie!!!!". I tried to explain for years (yes years) that I never lied, and that when I said "Nothing" I mean exactly that, and I had to explain for yeeeeears that I take days to process.
I'm going to have one of those "Nothing" then 3 day process moments right now. I had been upfront with my INFP from the first date that I had gone on a few dates with a girl before her, broke things off, but because she was desperate and I cared about her I was building her a website for her small business (I'm a marketer). Had been doing this before I met my INFP. So that was out there and she jokes about it every few dates as in the kinds of things she could potentially get me to do for her because of her charms.

Thing is, that girl's website is almost done and thinking about it for a week or so I can't figure out how to get her to run her own website without in-person training. I was dreading that but I brought it up to my INFP today ever text. She seemed to take it in stride, told me I need to take care of my own responsibilities, but my guess is she'll process on it and get scared. Perfectly reasonable, I just feel trapped because the girl I'm building the website for had sunk $300 into it and had no clue what to do. Being a nice guy gets me in an awkward situation lol.
 

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I'm going to have one of those "Nothing" then 3 day process moments right now. I had been upfront with my INFP from the first date that I had gone on a few dates with a girl before her, broke things off, but because she was desperate and I cared about her I was building her a website for her small business (I'm a marketer). Had been doing this before I met my INFP. So that was out there and she jokes about it every few dates as in the kinds of things she could potentially get me to do for her because of her charms.

Thing is, that girl's website is almost done and thinking about it for a week or so I can't figure out how to get her to run her own website without in-person training. I was dreading that but I brought it up to my INFP today ever text. She seemed to take it in stride, told me I need to take care of my own responsibilities, but my guess is she'll process on it and get scared. Perfectly reasonable, I just feel trapped because the girl I'm building the website for had sunk $300 into it and had no clue what to do. Being a nice guy gets me in an awkward situation lol.
Most INFPs will appreciate the honesty if you tell us upfront what is going on; we're very logical (Te) when need be. We may have some uneasy feelings toward the idea of you interacting with someone you were previously romantically involved with; however if you tell us straight up there's nothing to worry about and it's strictly work related and you're trying to uphold your responsibilities, we'll generally be totally fine with this. We can accept the authenticity and honesty, and we trust you'll be good with your word unless proven otherwise. Plus, we know that if it was something to hide, you wouldn't be so transparent and tell us.
 

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I'm going to have one of those "Nothing" then 3 day process moments right now. I had been upfront with my INFP from the first date that I had gone on a few dates with a girl before her, broke things off, but because she was desperate and I cared about her I was building her a website for her small business (I'm a marketer). Had been doing this before I met my INFP. So that was out there and she jokes about it every few dates as in the kinds of things she could potentially get me to do for her because of her charms.

Thing is, that girl's website is almost done and thinking about it for a week or so I can't figure out how to get her to run her own website without in-person training. I was dreading that but I brought it up to my INFP today ever text. She seemed to take it in stride, told me I need to take care of my own responsibilities, but my guess is she'll process on it and get scared. Perfectly reasonable, I just feel trapped because the girl I'm building the website for had sunk $300 into it and had no clue what to do. Being a nice guy gets me in an awkward situation lol.
Okey don't get ahead of yourself, nothing's happened yet.
Just me personally agree with @artofbalance
You said this upfront, and told her what's going on, and the situation looks perfectly reasonable. Is it fun to have you go meet up with an ex-date? No, but that doesn't mean it's not the reasonable Te thing to do in these circumstances. I think your INFP understands that meeting needs to be done, and she will put her insecure feelings aside and prioritize your responsibilities. At least that's what I did & still do.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Okey don't get ahead of yourself, nothing's happened yet.
Just me personally agree with @artofbalance
You said this upfront, and told her what's going on, and the situation looks perfectly reasonable. Is it fun to have you go meet up with an ex-date? No, but that doesn't mean it's not the reasonable Te thing to do in these circumstances. I think your INFP understands that meeting needs to be done, and she will put her insecure feelings aside and prioritize your responsibilities. At least that's what I did & still do.
@artofbalance - You two were actually right! She admitted that she understood I was stuck, I had been upfront with her from date #1 this website was being built and I was roped in because the other girl spent money on it. In addition, she's a digital marketer herself so she understood how the site's inner workings needed to be trained in person. Lastly, while she didn't want to come, she appreciated the openness of inviting her to the meeting. She said "Take care of your responsibilities" and that really was that. She was chilled out, we spoke on the phone about other stuff, and it really seemed like a non-issue...Somehow.

Whew.
 

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@artofbalance - You two were actually right! She admitted that she understood I was stuck, I had been upfront with her from date #1 this website was being built and I was roped in because the other girl spent money on it. In addition, she's a digital marketer herself so she understood how the site's inner workings needed to be trained in person. Lastly, while she didn't want to come, she appreciated the openness of inviting her to the meeting. She said "Take care of your responsibilities" and that really was that. She was chilled out, we spoke on the phone about other stuff, and it really seemed like a non-issue...Somehow.

Whew.
Glad to hear it! Don't let your Ne get the best of you! lol. :)
 

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@artofbalance - You two were actually right! She admitted that she understood I was stuck, I had been upfront with her from date #1 this website was being built and I was roped in because the other girl spent money on it. In addition, she's a digital marketer herself so she understood how the site's inner workings needed to be trained in person. Lastly, while she didn't want to come, she appreciated the openness of inviting her to the meeting. She said "Take care of your responsibilities" and that really was that. She was chilled out, we spoke on the phone about other stuff, and it really seemed like a non-issue...Somehow.

Whew.
My husband has an ex, not only an ex but "The one he wanted to be with but it didn't work out and then he met me." She does not live nearby, but occasionally she sends him fond nostalgic messages saying what a mistake she made in letting him go.


I'm like, "Meh, thanks for telling me honey." If we understand how you feel about us, I think most of us aren't jealous. If we are jealous, it's because we aren't sure how you feel about us and Ne is in overdrive seeing if how you treat us is special compared to how you treat others. As long as I am confident in my own place, I trust my partner.
 

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My husband has an ex, not only an ex but "The one he wanted to be with but it didn't work out and then he met me." She does not live nearby, but occasionally she sends him fond nostalgic messages saying what a mistake she made in letting him go.


I'm like, "Meh, thanks for telling me honey." If we understand how you feel about us, I think most of us aren't jealous. If we are jealous, it's because we aren't sure how you feel about us and Ne is in overdrive seeing if how you treat us is special compared to how you treat others. As long as I am confident in my own place, I trust my partner.
Yea I agree, if something like that is being done in private or being hidden I think that would cause more jealousy than if you came out and been upfront with it, because it says "Hey I know what this can look like, it's not like that just letting you know that now." That to me builds trust, you don't have to share the entire conversation, you are just killing the potential worry at the gate.
 

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My husband has an ex, not only an ex but "The one he wanted to be with but it didn't work out and then he met me." She does not live nearby, but occasionally she sends him fond nostalgic messages saying what a mistake she made in letting him go.
Ugh, I think that is so tacky when people do that kind of stuff.
If you know a person is in a new relationship, especially if they are married, respect that and leave your ex alone. Keep your dignity and move forward with your own life rather than leeching off other's.
Your husband's ex sounds dramatic and I know that I wouldn't be as accepting of it as you. She probably would end up having a teensy weensy accident if I were in your shoes.
 
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