[ForsakenMe]

My mother (An ESTJ, no less!) and I had a conversation the other day about men and relationships. She told me that while this is something I did not want to hear, that guys around my age (The 18-24 age bracket) are just not looking for anything serious at this time of their lives, and just want to have fun. I am a romantic at heart, so as you can imagine, I felt a little down hearing that. I am about to be 20 years old in less than 5 months, so basically... It'll be 5 years till the guys around my age start to desire a more serious relationship and prepare themselves for marriages. I say 5 years because my mom and dad told me that guys start to mature a little at the age of 25 and upward... I guess they're mostly right. :sad:

So, while I will not reject every single guy that would like to take me out on a date, I've decided that I should take a 5 year break from relationships. Before this, I was once in a long term relationship that lasted a little over a year, and another relationship that lasted merely two months... So, no, I'm not a super virgin in the dating world or anything. :crazy: Anyway... Well, I hope that I get a job real soon as an office clerk and work my way up in the business world over the years as I go. I would also like to experience life more... For example, I've always wanted to travel out of the country, so that's one thing I'd like to do. I'd like to learn different languages, and learn to play electric/acoustic guitars as well as bettering my already okay singing abilities. Maybe discover myself better, and try out a religion or two for size. :laughing: Basically, do all the things I'd like to do, but couldn't if I was in a serious relationship...

What do you guys think? roud: What else should this gal do in the next 5 years till she prepares herself for serious relationships/marriage?

 

[Isildin]

Obviously once you genuinely decide to abstain for 5 minutes, you will meet your soul-mate in the next 2 hours or so

I think that when you start making these kinds of plans, you're limiting yourself relationship-wise, because you're automatically also excluding anyone who would be "right" for you

 

[ENTrePenuer]

Just live your life.
You might get hit by a bus tomorrow.

 

[ForsakenMe]

Obviously once you genuinely decide to abstain for 5 minutes, you will meet your soul-mate in the next 2 hours or so

I think that when you start making these kinds of plans, you're limiting yourself relationship-wise, because you're automatically also excluding anyone who would be "right" for you

Bold words: Um... What?

The rest: I'm not making this plan like, SUPER DUPER PERMANENT, you know? If I meet my soulmate or w/e in the next 5 years, then sweet deal... Otherwise, I have no problem going out on dates and having friendships with other males that will come into my life. If I meet a guy and date him/talk to him and find that we have a very special connection with each other... Then I'll establish a relationship with him and hope we go the whole 9 yards.

My problem with me and relationships right now is that, the second I fall for a guy, I just sit there and HOPE with every fiber of my being that he'll be the one for me, that he'll stay with me forever, etc. I have to learn to control myself, you know? That's what I'm trying to get here...

 

[ForsakenMe]

Just live your life.
You might get hit by a bus tomorrow.

Haha, thank you! :laughing:

 

[Rayne]

How about you just stop looking, but if something happens, don't deny yourself a chance with someone that you think something might happen with.

 

[ForsakenMe]

How about you just stop looking, but if something happens, don't deny yourself a chance with someone that you think something might happen with.

That's exactly what I said, I just used different wording. Sorry if you got that mixed up. Haha!

 

[Lad]

I highlyyyy wouldn't recommend taking a break.

Demographically it may be true that most guys in that bracket are looking for fun, but that's not the case with everyone. The reality is, I don't think you want that demographic anyways, I think you want the true blue romantic guy that's been aching for a true connection. Those guys are rare, yes, but the pool of people you should have to choose from to start a life together -should- be small, imo. Basically it should be narrowed down.

I'm basically a chronic dater, in that I almost always seem to be in a relationship. During this time, I've matured, and in some senses, I think I attract more people as time goes by. At the same time, I'm starting to realize what can work and what won't work, in essence my perception of who I can be with starts to narrow.

I can understand not actively looking, not putting your life on hold and waiting, but I wouldn't be overly dismissive either. Always keep dreaming and putting yourself out there as curious.

If you honestly are a romantic like you claim, you won't give up.

Want to know something though? I was / am in the reverse situation. Throughout my early 20's (I'm 25 now) I have only dated girls that were looking for that true blue romance. I had soo much potential with all of them, but there was some incompatibilities un-relating to romance.

On an arrogant note, I've been testing that plentyoffish dating site recently. When I put down that I was a bit more serious about relationships, I just got slammed with messages from girls interested (mostly your age group + some older). Consider making a little profile and put in that you're more serious and not looking for a booty call (weeds out most of the scum) and you never know. Usually a lot of the romantic guys are kinda wimpy and low on confidence early on. Fortunately, I'm somewhat conceited so I have it pretty easy when it comes to dating.

 

[ForsakenMe]

I highlyyyy wouldn't recommend taking a break.

Demographically it may be true that most guys in that bracket are looking for fun, but that's not the case with everyone. The reality is, I don't think you want that demographic anyways, I think you want the true blue romantic guy that's been aching for a true connection. Those guys are rare, yes, but the pool of people you should have to choose from to start a life together -should- be small, imo. Basically it should be narrowed down.

I'm basically a chronic dater, in that I almost always seem to be in a relationship. During this time, I've matured, and in some senses, I think I attract more people as time goes by. At the same time, I'm starting to realize what can work and what won't work, in essence my perception of who I can be with starts to narrow.

I can understand not actively looking, not putting your life on hold and waiting, but I wouldn't be overly dismissive either. Always keep dreaming and putting yourself out there as curious.

If you honestly are a romantic like you claim, you won't give up.

Want to know something though? I was / am in the reverse situation. Throughout my early 20's (I'm 25 now) I have only dated girls that were looking for that true blue romance. I had soo much potential with all of them, but there was some incompatibilities un-relating to romance.

On an arrogant note, I've been testing that plentyoffish dating site recently. When I put down that I was a bit more serious about relationships, I just got slammed with messages from girls interested (mostly your age group + some older). Consider making a little profile and put in that you're more serious and not looking for a booty call (weeds out most of the scum) and you never know. Usually a lot of the romantic guys are kinda wimpy and low on confidence early on. Fortunately, I'm somewhat conceited so I have it pretty easy when it comes to dating.

D'aww, I like you. :laughing:

As you can already tell, most INFP females are very sensitive and true romantics... I can't tell you how many tears I've shed for the guys I've felt for in the past... Thousands and thousands!

I just don't want to give myself unneccasary emotional pain anymore, you know? I do believe that not all men are scum; This thread isn't about slamming the opposite gender. It's about being realistic with myself that guys around my age are just looking to hit it and then quit it. Same with females... Some of us are just not looking for anything serious either!

I don't want to keep on doing this to myself, and grow bitter/cynical... I don't want to be that cold-hearted lady at the bar late at night, who every time a guy shows interest, she moves away while muttering under her breath, "Go to hell, @$$h0l3."

 

[Isildin]

Bold words: Um... What?

Sorry i meant 5 years
Its like when you cant find something, until you give up and stop looking, and then randomly find it!

 

[Lad]

D'aww, I like you. :laughing:

As you can already tell, most INFP females are very sensitive and true romantics... I can't tell you how many tears I've shed for the guys I've felt for in the past... Thousands and thousands!

I just don't want to give myself unneccasary emotional pain anymore, you know? I do believe that not all men are scum; This thread isn't about slamming the opposite gender. It's about being realistic with myself that guys around my age are just looking to hit it and then quit it. Same with females... Some of us are just not looking for anything serious either!

I don't want to keep on doing this to myself, and grow bitter/cynical... I don't want to be that cold-hearted lady at the bar late at night, who every time a guy shows interest, she moves away while muttering under her breath, "Go to hell, @$$h0l3."

I don't know about your INFP female statement. I've both heard / read some of the most incredible posts on here by romantic-types INFPs and I've always wondered about a date with them. Then on the flip side, I see in other INFPs in the complete reverse.

To me, the non-romantic ones are the jaded / cynical ones. They even make a case for it and go on and on, which almost implies a need for reassurance and possibly mental turmoil. Now to me, that's "emotional pain." The happier romantic ones can make their statement and that's that.

It's interesting that what you're scared of becoming, in my eyes, is already happening by giving up right now. I know I'm not one to say this, I certainly don't know you well enough, but I'm actually a bit disappointed.

I would definitely jump at the chance to be with a romantic girl, I can also virtually guarantee that it would be an incredible journey. Soulmates? You never know, but part of the fun is finding out and simply growing together. Everyone influences your life in a positive way if you let it.

A girl on a break that's not serious though? Meh, I prefer the dreamers, regardless of whether they / we can be naive at times.

 

[jamila]

You're so young, so taking a break from dating can be a good thing. It gives you more time to develop yourself. I'm happy that I didn't start to seriously date until I was around 24...I can imagine that I saved myself a lot of heartache and drama, and possibly children...esp. considering the types of guys..coughcoughlosers... I was into when I was younger.

On the otherhand, have you considered dating guys who aren't in your age range?

Personally, 95% of the people I've dated have been older than me. At 19, my first "bf" (not a real relationship) was 30, at 22..he was 38, at 26..he was 35, and now at 28, I still prefer men in their mid-late 30s. Now, I realize that when I was much younger, there was definitely a predatory Gollum-like precious type obsession to some of the men that I dated...so that is something to look out for. But in my experience, older men tend to be much more commitment oriented, if that's what you're looking for.

 

[Halcy0n]

I decided to give up on guys about a year and a half ago. Same night, I met my current boyfriend. What Isildin said may have some truth. :crazy:

 

[refugee]

i like your idea about learning another language. i think 5 yrs is more than enough to master it.

 

[Matchbook]

ForsakenMe,

I think you've got the right idea. And I think your Mother is right, for the most part. Guys nowadays seem to be maturing in the emotional and psychological departments more slowly than in the past, because everything in the world is now so highly designed for instant gratification, instant love, and pleasure-seeking. So guys that reach high school age up through college age are developing much different expectations of what they think they want out of a relationship and life than guys from half a century or more ago.

A priority for a college-aged male many decades ago used to be, "I want to work hard, establish a good education, and get my trade started, so I can be a man who can take care of and love a woman responsibly." But now, with all of these tv shows and movies, and the circulating sentiments of youth culture, the mantra now becomes, "All of this work and school is so tiresome! I want to have fun. I want to find a girl soon...most of my friends have girlfriends, I need one too!" The males and females that are TRULY ready for a serious relationship before the age of 20-22 are actually very few. And the guys in college that don't date, and work hard - they are made made fun of, or just seen as nerds, yet, they are the ones establishing their foundations that will help make them suitable mates.

When I had just turned 24, in 2009, I had my first relationship. From that relationship, I learned that I still wasn't ready at the time, and neither was my girlfriend. But now I am 25, and I've learned a great deal about how important it is to have strength in my independence before I can be the person I need to be for my future woman. Those years, 18-24, I should have been developing that more zealously by applying myself to my education, responsibilities, and developing good friendships, rather than spending so much energy longing for relationships and slacking off. Now, I am thankful I recognized my deficits and my dependence on others for security, because I've been discovering how to achieve it for myself through my relationship and trust in God, and by meeting personal goals. And when I enter another relationship, I can be independent, and yet share my life with another independent person, and become a wonderful harmony.

All of this said, there are some guys out there who are younger than 25 that have it right; their focusses are in the right place, they are establishing their character and their goal framework and general independence, and they are ready for a relationship. The question ultimately concerns whether you are ready for a serious relationship, yourself. If you have established your own independence, especially emotional independence, and you have your goals and priorities in order, than perhaps you are, or maybe you will find that you are not.

To be completely honest, of the girls I know that are younger than 24, so few of them understand independence. They have been immersed in a culture and female groups that view love and romance through distorted glass, where they see a guy as someone to "fulfill" them, and a relationship as a place to find happiness and refuge that they lack inside themselves. While, yes, I believe God did design relationships to be a type of fulfillment, and to contain happiness and refuge, few girls actually learn to experience independent fulfillment, independent happiness, and independent security in themselves, nor do they even WANT to try...because a relationship seems so much better a way to do that. What in our culture teaches us the value of delaying a relationship while we establish our character and mature in our social relations? Very little.

I suppose I would most suggest evaluating your own level of independence, solidarity, and preparedness for a long-term relationship. And when you recognize that you are, you can find the right guy if you seek in the right places. I empathize with you, though, because I know how difficult it can be to find a person who's values and character match what you hope for.

(P.S. I typed a lot, again...If the post doesn't make enough sense, I can try to condense into a couple tidy sentences)

 

[Matchbook]

I highlyyyy wouldn't recommend taking a break...

...I can understand not actively looking, not putting your life on hold and waiting, but I wouldn't be overly dismissive either. Always keep dreaming and putting yourself out there as curious.

If you honestly are a romantic like you claim, you won't give up.

Lad, please allow me to respectfully, yet decidedly disagree with you. Taking a break is not giving up, nor is it the stifling of true romance. That is a statement that puts her on the spot and says that if she truly IS a romantic like she claims, then she will see it like you do, and not take a break (give up).

It's interesting that what you're scared of becoming, in my eyes, is already happening by giving up right now. I know I'm not one to say this, I certainly don't know you well enough, but I'm actually a bit disappointed.

Yes, the decision to take a break could potentially lead to cynicism, but you use the term "giving up." How do you know whether or not taking a break may be one of the most enlightening things she could possibly do for herself, broadening her understanding of true romance, and deepening her own maturity? That said, I don't think that putting a stamp on "5 years" is the way to do it. I think that the measurement should be based on internal preparation and maturity, and when circumstances produce suitable gentlemen.

Lad, I just don't think you should apply your personal views or standard of romance to others. I believe that romance also includes patience, and there are times when the payoff of romantic love requires time to grow and learn, and experience more friendships, because the reward of romance dawning on the horizon promises satisfaction in the end. Sometimes there are poisons within the heart from the past and characteristics in the present that must be shed so that romance may flow with purity.

Pardon my voicing of disagreement. I hope that you don't mind.

 

[ForsakenMe]

Matchbook- Again, you are one of the most mature, insightful souls I've been across this forum. I am so happy to have met you!

That said, I am not giving up, like you said. I am merely deciding to give myself to time to grow, expand, and to learn to live myself independently as an individual, and to learn to give myself some love instead of relying the male gender to do that for me. Like I said, I will be more than glad to go out on some dates and even casually date some guys here and there... But they will have to respect me when I tell them that I am just not looking for anything serious at this time.

 

[Lad]

Disagreement is great,

the reality is that everyone is using personal experiences to respond to the question/statement. Whether it may be true with regards to certain age groups and the desire for commitment is debatable. However, if enough people follow that philosophy believing that's only the case then it becomes true regardless. In the end, it perpetuates itself into becoming true.

While I have been a little dogmatic with some sentiments and I now realize and apologize for that, I believe you can grow in all areas without, in some respects, without neglecting others. My only real intent was to continue on the same path, but not fixate entirely on finding a soulmate to a point of where it compromises your own life and puts it on hold.

It is incredibly dangerous to take a break per-se for such an extended period of time because, believe it or not, people are getting married sooner rather than later (contradictory to the 25+ statement). In truth, I'd say CHILDREN start being born around 25 (ladies age). As someone who has been dating actively, it truly is a competitive world. People get locked down into relationships / commitments fairly quickly so your window of opportunity can be incredibly narrow.

You may be right on this 25 thing, but sometimes those 25 year old married couples got to know each other when they were 23. That's all I'm saying . There are always exceptions to the rule and if you wish to play that card then all the power in the world to you.

Once again, I apologize for my sentiments. I feel a bit bad thinking about it, but I just wanted to be the other voice that says this -may- not be a good idea.

 

[rowingineden]

5 years is a damn long time. I mean... crap.

 

[Sily]

All I can think to say is.... have fun! :laughing: