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If you don't expect it to last, then why bother to wed in the first place?
I am unsusre of my current feelings on the matter, and quite honestly am not interested in diverting any emotional energy on the thought processes it would take to come to a conclusion. Perhaps you're right, or perhaps I still have a (naive?) idea that one can indeed commit to another, and that this commitment is somehow important or beneficial.
 

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I'm not changing my name. The woman is. Enough of this nonsense.
This kind of attitude is precisely why I most likely won't change my name in the event of marriage. The expectation for a woman to change her name to her husband's is a vestige of an era in which a woman was chattel and a marriage was a business transaction. I may give my heart to a man, but I won't give him my identity, and I won't expect him to give me his. It's the same kind of misogyny as the Mr./Mrs..Miss thing; a man being an independent entity, but a woman's identity being different depending on her marital status. I could never be in a relationship where I wasn't an equal partner. Any man who insists that he has some kind of right to demand that his wife alter her identity for him is a misogynist, plain and simple.
 

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Discussion Starter · #65 ·

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It really wasn't a big deal for me to change my surname. Besides which, my maiden name wasn't too flash, I much prefer my present surname. I also know that my husband would have been highly offended if I hadn't changed it. I'm rather old school too, about such things, so it was never a matter of "if" I change my surname, but "when" I do.
 

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This kind of attitude is precisely why I most likely won't change my name in the event of marriage. The expectation for a woman to change her name to her husband's is a vestige of an era in which a woman was chattel and a marriage was a business transaction. I may give my heart to a man, but I won't give him my identity, and I won't expect him to give me his. It's the same kind of misogyny as the Mr./Mrs..Miss thing; a man being an independent entity, but a woman's identity being different depending on her marital status. I could never be in a relationship where I wasn't an equal partner. Any man who insists that he has some kind of right to demand that his wife alter her identity for him is a misogynist, plain and simple.
Your attitude sucks, too.

It's not a demand. It's a long-standing marital tradition.

Arguing about this is pointless. It's a big world and there are bound to be people with differing opinions, which is fine. I'm sure there are plenty of free-thinking hippies out there who agree with you.

I'll be sure to take you off the "prospective wives" list.
 

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I am unsusre of my current feelings on the matter, and quite honestly am not interested in diverting any emotional energy on the thought processes it would take to come to a conclusion. Perhaps you're right, or perhaps I still have a (naive?) idea that one can indeed commit to another, and that this commitment is somehow important or beneficial.
Boy, you're a bowl of fun aren't you? We wouldn't want you to think too hard about a subject that you felt the need to comment on. Save some "emotional energy" and next time don't comment?
 

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I'm not changing my name. The woman is. Enough of this nonsense.
Didn't read the opening post and then decided goading was a profitable route to internet fame.

Now for a question dealing with emotionality:
How much can you love the soon-to-be spouse if you are not willing to part with your surname?
This is an interesting point that I would like to raise; having almost been married in the past I do understand and appreciate the focus on important idealogical markers of the partnership, see rings and last name exchange. I don't think I would force the issue, but, it is mildly preferred that we someone reach some kind of last name agreement that is in both partners interest. I think if someone wasnt willing to countenance the importance of the prospect and symbolism it represents I may infact question if they are serious about a life long (note, not long term) relationship at all.
 

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Taking my husband's name wouldn't bother me. I like my family name and my clan history's pretty cool, and I have no problem with hyphenated surnames, but I think having one would be a little cumbersome.

If I'm well established in my career before I'm married I might use my maiden name professionally even if I change my name legally.
 

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My girlfriend is an INTJ. She suggested that we take each other's names when we marry(yes the hyphen thing), and I was immensely happy about the proposal.

I have nothing but the utmost love and respect for her - I'd be really proud to carry her name.

We come from different ethnic backgrounds too, and I don't look Hispanic at all, so I'm definitely looking forward to begin confusing the heck out of people. Sweet!
 

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The first time I really noticed this, I was in my early teens and my mother received something in the mail addressed (apparenlty?) to her though this is what it said:

"Mrs. Martin Hamilton"

My fathers name! With just a Mrs. in front of it. WTF????????? Was my reaction. I've never forgotten that.
My childhood friend married and didn't change her name. Her husband was nagging her a little about it one day until he received some mail in her name and found out what it felt like.

So the answer is no, I won't ever change my name.

1. I find it insulting that I should have to / be expected to -- even the Spanish hyphonate their last names.
2. It's a serious pain in the ass and expense to change all the documentation.
3. 50% of marriages end in divorce -- how many freaking times am I going to have to go through this????

No, thanks.
 

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Now for a question dealing with emotionality:
How much can you love the soon-to-be spouse if you are not willing to part with your surname?
How much can you love your spouse if you have so little trust in them that their dislike of a stupid convention is seen as a serious threat to a relationship and indicative of a lack of true affection? And why marry someone when you can doubt the relationship on such flimsy fucking grounds? Why are people so bloody insecure?
 

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Am I the only one to respond who has done this? or rather, hasn't. Married, didn't change my name. I kind of meant to a bit, like, keep it for work and all that, as I'd published papers and so on and needed to keep that identity. Then my employer told me they couldn't pay my paycheque into a marriedname account when it was addressed to singlename, and I am kind of P-ish and I never got around to all the form-filling anyway......so it never happened.

Pros and cons:

I think my husband is a little hurt, and possibly feels a little insecure about it. He jokes about it, sometimes, in a way that isn't quite relaxed. I reason to myself that he is ENFJ and I am very T, if it wasn't names, he'd be feeling a little insecure about me anyway. And there's no need, the proof is in the pudding, 15 years and counting.....

My kids have his name. I never questioned that at all, my choice was made for me, not them. They thought it was a little odd when they became old enough to ask about these things, then they forgot about it. Enough of their friends' parents are separated or remarried/partnered for it not to be unusual.

Sometimes it's a bit odd when we get contacts from the school or wherever as they clearly think our kids' parents don't live together or that one of us must not be a biological parent. It isn't that big a deal though.

I have to take a copy of my marriage certificate with me if taking the kids overseas on my own, as we have different names on our passports.

Big plus: these days I use my married name on facebook so my clients can't find me. It's been a useful second identity.
 

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It's not a demand. It's a long-standing marital tradition.
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So is keeping slaves. Really compelling argument, that.

Interestingly, my current SO has commented that if we were to marry, she'd drop her last name. Her motive is that it's her mother's name, and she has good reason to hate her mother's guts and not wants to be reminded of her. It's cheaper than a regular name change, that's for sure...
 

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I always thought that if I got married I would ask if she felt uncomfortable having my last name. If so then we'd both get a new last name. It would be a major bonding issue. I would rather adopt her last name than us not sharing the same last name.
 

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My girlfriend is an INTJ. She suggested that we take each other's names when we marry(yes the hyphen thing), and I was immensely happy about the proposal.
You take hers. She takes yours. You swap? Or you both add like Mr. Taylor-Smith and Mrs. Smith-Taylor?

Maybe I am just being illiterate today, but I couldn't grasp this.

***

My wife took my last name ( No hyphenation in Japan) which now carries a Japanese pronunciation and spelling. Sort of feels like I changed my name, too.
 
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