Personality Cafe banner

1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey guys!
First of all let me say I am french and therefore I might make quite a few mistakes and I apologize for that...

So, this is my first post here and I come up with a lot of questions... It's going to be quite long so I am very grateful to those who will read and try to help me...

I discovered a few months ago I was an INFJ. I won't go into details but this changed my life. I used to believe I was a kind of alien in this world and the mbti community helped me to understand all was ok, I am not. :D
So I go regularly on this forum even though I don't post on threads. I am posting right now because I am sooo.. I dont even know I feel so bad about a situation (again I apologize for making a first post just seeking for help..) and I need your help.

I am 17 boy, equivalent of Senior year in my country (last high school year right?). I am in a sort of "Music club" in my school and in fact, during the year we learn songs and stuff, and we do a few concerts each year.
The fact is, I met THIS girl here, at the beginning of the year. I mean at the first class we looked at each other and I knew I'd have a crush on that girl if you know what I mean. A month later we'd play in the same song, both playing the same instrument. She was very "smily" and we started to talk a little bit, even though I am quite shy.
Every 1 or 2 weeks since then we saw each other during the "training sessions" of the song, and all was great. I mean we even ate together for the first time a month and a half ago at lunch, and it was the first time the conversation was so fluent, and i felt and still feel a real connection with someone.
We talked at first about music, then about the future and, I knew what job she'd like to do even before she told me!
And it was the same studies I want to do. I am not christian or don't belong to any religion but I felt it was a sort of sign we were made to get along pretty well with each other. She also asked a lot of questions about me and there were like no blanks, all seemed natural. We both were genuinely interested in each other, smiling at each other, joking, teasing each other, reminding private jokes of the sessions, talking about past... future... etc.

I would then start to develop interest in her... to spoil her on social medias etc. And I started to analyse each of our interactions, and I figured out I had pretty good odds. Here are thing I noticed during the times we were together:
-always smiling
-engages conversation with no problem and fully interested in what I say
-At lunch once, she had friends to eat with and asked me to join, she would then sit next to me and always take care I am ok, trying to introduce me in the conversation with her friends, all was ok I managed to appear "cool" and quite open minded, talking easily to her friends which I think is a good point.
-When we play a song (lets say in a sort of "mini orchestra"), she could chose to play next to any instrument player, but she went next to me.
-She did jokes and her body language showed she was at least interested in me.
It can appear quite pretentious and I am sorry if it does, maybe it's just me, but I feel, I am almost sure she was interested in knowing me more for a potential date. I am rarely wrong with such things and I can recognize when someone is not interested...

So these were roughly the signs that made me think i had my chances.
Later on, after a few times seeing each other at those "training sessions" each week, comes the first concert of the year, which occured a week ago.
I have a few people I know who did sing for the concert.
So, I arrive 30 minutes before the concert for the preparation. She sees me and asap comes with a huge smile, "hello how are u etc?", then I prepare my instrument and help preparing the stage, she then comes and ask me if I stay for the dancing party and the dinner after the concert. I answered that yeah I stayed. She was then like "Oh cool we can stay together, I have no friends (joke since she has a few friends here)''.
Then the concert starts, we play together in 2 songs. Again on the stage she comes next to me, we play, all is fine. I "saved her'' because she did a music mistake and then she joked about it ''Oh I see I can trust you! :D'' with a big smile as usual. At the end she apologizes because she "almost hit me with her instrument, being too close to me", with again, a big smile. This obviously appears as signs of interest and a guy i know who sang at the concert told me afterwards that it was obvious something was going on between me and the girl.
I was pretty confident there was something too, even though I didn't want to be too happy too fast.

So after the concert, there was a big dinner with all the musicians and a few people from the school. We ate together with 2 friends of mine and a 1 friend of her. I say friends but they are just people I know from school, I don't mean real good friends I do activities with ^^, but still I know them well and we wouldn't betray each other or whatever.
During the dinner all went fine, I sort of introduced her to the 2 guys with me. Btw the 2 guys are those who told me they thought I had good odds with her, and there was something, they saw us on stage blablabla. But don't get me wrong, they are not liars or whatever, I know them pretty well and even though they are not my best friends they would never lie to me to get advantage of the situation etc. They really thought that. You might wonder why I say that, but it has its importance for the end of the story.

So the girl spent the dinner next to me, we talked all together about funny things and the concert, nothing uncommon. After the dinner, we went dancing and it was really awesome, I don't like dancing but with HER, I like it...
The party went well, we danced together, in a small group with her, her friend, and my 2 friends. We were quite close during the party and we sort of hugged at the end, for a dance. I felt she was ok with that since she took longer than I expected to "stop the hug'' + she was smiling.
All this seems pretty good right?

But when it stopped ( the party I mean ), I didn't take her number nor her snapchat/ instagram or nothing. I am not so fond of social medias etc. but to talk to her I would do anything. When we said good bye to each other, she said my friends were nice and she appreciated the party. I felt she expected me to say something more, but I didn't and we just said we'd meet later. She seemed to have fun with not only me but also my friends and everyone so nothing suspicious here.
But the problem is I had tried to add her on FB like one month before the party, and the request was sent, but not accepted, nor rejected. I wondered why because I saw her wandering on facebook on her phone at some time. Why with all these signs of interest wouldn't she accept my friend request? Did she have a boyfriend? No, a friend of her confirmed she didn't.
I thought perhaps because I have no profile picture and she only knew my first name, she didn't accept at first, and then forgot... or because we had no facebook contacts in common, she couldn't receive the request, or because of a facebook bug i don't know at all.
Then I remembered she told me she had had problems with social medias in her early teens (school bullying or smthng) so I thought perhaps she didn't add anyone on FB except her good friends.
I had now no means to communicate with her, and since holidays were 2 days after the concert-party, I was pretty sad not having tried anything, no kiss, no phone number, nothing, and I'd have to wait 3 weeks to see her again.
But overall I was happy because I knew she was at least interested, and I could try something later on to ask her out.

The problem is, I just saw a notification on facebook, that she was now in one of my "friends" (we spent the party with) friend list. WHY would she accept his request and not mine from a month ago?? Did they "connect" at the party? Is my friend going to try to see and date her? The same friend that even told me (before he ever talked to her) that He thought 100% me and this girl were soon going to be dating each other? Is it just a coincidence and she didn't receive mine? Was I THAT stupid to think there was something between us? No, this is impossible, I am pretty good at noticing wether someone is at least interested or not. I couldn't have been this wrong.

All these questions are haunting me right now.
The only reason I see to the fact she added him and not me is that she didn't know what my name was when I sent the request, and with no profile picture(me) she decided not to add, and since this time she forgot to accept the request. + the friend that added her to his friendlist might have friends in common with her so that might be why she added him. I really don't know.

I am fcking overanalyzing everything right now and I just want to kill myself if I discover my friend will date the girl I am really in love with. I mean I have never connected to somebody like that, that fast, I have never been able to relate to a GIRL like this and to feel so much happiness and ease when I am with her.

The worst thing is, long before the party occured, I secretly began to fear that she would develop more interest in any of my friends in the music club than in me. And since today, I start to believe that this is happening right now, just with this facebook thing.
Another thing: that friend of mine isn't in my facebook friendlist, so I added him just right now so I would have "1 friend with common" with the girl, and then when my friend accepts the request, I cancel my request to the girl (sent a month ago) and I send a new one to see if she will now accept it. What do you think? I feel like a needy crap, meeting the girl of his life, beginning to connect to her, and now being shut down from any happiness, being "robbed" by my own friend, and betrayed by the girl I want to date.

The last important thing, I am almost 100% sure this girl is an ENFP. I read tons of thing about mbti and cognitive functions etc and for me, the way we connect, her warmth with new people and flirty behaviour, and lots of other things make it clear for me she is AT THE VERY LEAST A NF, and probably an ENFP.
I then read that it was maybe because of that we could connect so easily ( this ENFP-INFJ connection), please check this link : http s ://pairedlife . com/compatibility/ Why-the-ENFP-and-INFJ-are-Perfect-for-Each-Other
and I can guarantee you this is exactely what I felt when being with her.
Even thought some might think I am paranoid, again, I think with the tons of people I didn't connect too, I am able to sense when I really connect (and she too) to someone. After all, I'm an INFJ?
But reading things on INFJ, I know fear I misinterpreted all her positive signals: she is an infj and warm to every new person she meets ,and maybe she only wanted us to become good friends. However I have a hard time believing it. She didn't seem to act the same way with her friends, other people, and me... Well that's what I like to believe at least. :(

Now I am lost. Am I that dumb having thought she was interested in dating me? Am I just too paranoid with that facebook thing and should I continue to talk to her when we come back to school in two weeks? Anyway that's what I'll probably do, except if she is, as I tend to fear, about to date my friend she just added on facebook.

I don't know what to do, should I send another friend request as I said before, should I just wait, should I just cry and forget her? I feel greater sorrow right now than I've ever experienced my whole life, and I've suffered, like many of us here, from many hard things in my life. I am so sorry if I seem like a retard posting for the first time to say that but... it's the only time in my 17 years of life I feel I can really connect to someone and be happy with this person. I fear i'll do harm to myself if I discover all this is now gone, and the girl I like so much is dating a friend I even introduced to her.

What would you recommand fellow INFJs? fellow NFs? Ever experienced the same situation? What would you do/ feel? Am I too paranoid? Do I still have chances with this girls do you think?
I also fear I was too late to show her direct interest, and that now she believes I don't want to date her... even if it's not true. I fear I have been too long to act, and that now I will never be able to become close to her again. (We know each other since 3 months now)

Sorry for this very long thread, I hope you guys will be able to help me and again, sorry for the grammar mistakes etc. English is not my first language at all. :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
383 Posts
Hello, bienvenue!

I see you met your first ENFP.

maybe I'm wrong

The last important thing, I am almost 100% sure this girl is an ENFP.
I knew it

First things first, slow down. Don't overanalyze, don't do that to yourself, you won't find the answer. There's a simple solution - just ask her. Perhaps she forgot to add you on FB, that can actually happen (particularly to ENFPs), so remind her. If you really have to analyze something, why don't you analyze the facts? Here are the facts:

- she added your friend, but she still hasn't added you
- she spent all that RL time with you, not with him

Which of these two facts is more important?

If she's really an ENFP, the best thing, the only thing you can and have to do is to ask directly. You'll get a straightforward, true answer.

And no, you're not going to do any harm to yourself. Alright? And don't call yourself a "retard". The way you feel is perfectly normal, you just have to talk to the object of your affection :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks a lot for your answer.
Yeah of course the facts. But facts and Intuitives... you know :D
I know I am overanalyzing everything, but well, I fear so much that this is the last time I'll ever feel that connection, that everytime I have the slightest doubt about this ENFP girl's interest... I almost can't sleep. :(

By harm to myself don't worry I wasn't talking seriously, but like I meant that couldn't be worse, if what I thought really happened.

I think you are right, I will ask her as soon as I see her. (Well when school comes back in 2 weeks) Anyway I am so frustrated not knowing why that I will even ask her number directly I think. So she will know clearly I am interested romantically right?

Thank you for taking the time to read and answer, seems like you already experienced relationships with ENFPs, want to talk about it or? ;P

Thoughts from ENFPs are "bienvenus" too though. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,347 Posts
First of all let me say I am french and therefore I might make quite a few mistakes and I apologize for that...
Whenever I read this, I basically assume you're a best selling author or something. In the past, I expected some Cat in the Hat, kid with a crayon, drunken sailor, Stephen Hawking robo voice sort of tone, but it never is! Don't worry, your writing is great~

[HR][/HR]

First, general advice with virtually anyone is that you never want to let your head or your heart get too far ahead of where the other person might be. It's really important that you're dependent on their feedback, or them reciprocating your feelings, instead of blasting off to the moon while the other person might be chilling out on Earth. You want to have little checkpoints with people periodically where you find this out instead of emotionally vomiting on them all at once 6 months down the road. You mentioned some smiles, warm encounters, friendly conversations, thoughtfulness and so on, but we still don't -really- know what they mean. Your friends, while noticing some chemistry between you, still aren't her... you want the words straight from her lips. How do you find out? While it's uncomfortable and not particularly suave, you just ask. "Hey, I've really enjoyed spending time with you, I'm just wondering if see us going anywhere with this?" ... or "are you willing to see if there's something more?" Alternatively, you ask for a date or a hang out with just the two of you and sort of slip something similar in there during or after.

As for the whole Facebook situation... eh, we could go back and fourth. Some people have embarrassing shit on theirs, pictures of ex's, bikinis, and what have you. You never really know. You could just shoot her a message or the next time you see her half jokingly say something like "hey, is your Facebook an exclusive club? I sent you a friend request."

Realistically, you guys are reasonably close and can probably push it a little bit on teasing or serious discussions. That's how you can get some information on where her head is at. I'd try not to assume she has romantic interest in you and more safely, I'd downplay it to friendship, but I understand that after all this time that's both heartbreaking and difficult. Still, see where it goes, but tame your expectations.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Whenever I read this, I basically assume you're a best selling author or something. In the past, I expected some Cat in the Hat, kid with a crayon, drunken sailor, Stephen Hawking robo voice sort of tone, but it never is! Don't worry, your writing is great~
Haha, I've already seen that kind of answer for the exact same warning. Well I have no clue whether my english is good or not compared to "more english speaking countries". I can only compare myself to the other french students so well... not sure there are many of us here.


Thank you for your answer, I don't know if it's just me but I have a hard time imagining myself asking directly if she's interested. I'd rather ask her for a one on one date where I can check her body language etc. and act if I feel it.
You might be right though, this game can be tricky since people can show huge signs of love and still see it as "Friendly only". However as I said, I doubt she has (well had) friendly intentions when we are just two together. I mean I get that vibe and I can see in her gaze there is more than that. Or maybe it's just me...
Well anyway you can't help for that part because you didn't see it In real life :D.

Also, I doubt she has compromising things on her FB she wouldn't like me to see since she already talked to me about quite 'rough' things about her past.

As for the rest of your advice, thanks a lot! Yeah I should definetly not expect her to have love feelings for me but well... it's hard. The way I wrote it, it might seem like it is strikingly obvious I expect her to become my girlfriend in our interactions(when I see her irl), but in the contrary I try not to show too much interest (yet enough for her to notice I am at least interested).

Anyway I feel like the time of warming up to her and vice versa is gone, and that I should now show more my interest and ask her for a date. :<

"hey, is your Facebook an exclusive club? I sent you a friend request." If the facebook problem isn't fixed before next time I see her, I'll keep that one, thank you! :D

Your advice is precious and thanks a lot, again!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Hehe, I was sure someone would say that.

Well don't worry I don't overanalyze everything like that. It's just that when it comes to things REALLY important to me (family, love, friends, in brief) and that these things go into trouble, I find myself going onto a sort of huge NiTi loop if you've read about this: when things don't fit with what I sense with my intuition, I try to justify them with logical factors, if that makes any sense :<.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
383 Posts
I fear so much that this is the last time I'll ever feel that connection
Heh... if I had a dime for every time I said "there's nobody else who could ever make me feel this way"... It does appear like it's the end of the world, but it's not. That being said, you still don't know if it's the end or not.

By harm to myself don't worry I wasn't talking seriously, but like I meant that couldn't be worse, if what I thought really happened.
I was talking about psychological harm which is just as dangerous (and unnecessary).

I think you are right, I will ask her as soon as I see her. (Well when school comes back in 2 weeks) Anyway I am so frustrated not knowing why that I will even ask her number directly I think. So she will know clearly I am interested romantically right?
Of course, don't just say "oi, are we a couple or what" :) You can be direct AND subtle at the same time. It's your choice whether you're going to ask for her number or that FB friendship approval, just don't ask for both at the same time, that can be overwhelming. And you can back either up with "I really missed talking to you during the past few weeks, so may I please have your *FB or phone #*"

Thank you for taking the time to read and answer, seems like you already experienced relationships with ENFPs, want to talk about it or? ;P
Sure, if you feel like it might help you or provide some insight, but I've already had my "crushed by an ENFP" episode on this forum, both in public threads and private discussions and I'm in the process of letting it go.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Xila

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Naah I won't force you to re-write everything. ^^
I'll check by myself if I feel like doing so on your older threads. The sure thing is ENFPs seem to hypnotize us INFJs...

+ Yeah I am well aware that FB + phone will look overwhelming. In fact if I really wanted to talk to her regardless of being "overwhelming" I'd already have created an instagram, twitter, and snapchat account to contact her, but i'd prefer it to happen in a more natural and subtle way. :D
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thank you everyone anyway for the help, I will update the thread as soon as I get some news, have great Xmas and new year!

I might come from time to time on this forum though people seem to be really kind :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
133 Posts
Welcome, @Xila!

To start, your English is very good, no worries on that part. Never feel bad for asking for help, that is what most of us are here for! It does sound like you two really clicked with each other! Here's the bittersweet part that is hard to hear at a young age, but I feel you are mature enough to see where I'm coming from:

Love at your age is such a turbulent, fragile thing. Most times it's handled very carelessly since the gravity is not yet conceivable.
It is possible that she simply forgot to accept your request. My best friend is an ENFP and there are many times I have to constantly remind him to do certain things. If you are anything like me, you are bound to get a little antsy over the whimsical ENFP. ENFP can sometimes be really light-hearted with social media specifically, so there also is a big possibility that not knowing your full name and not having a picture made her suspicious to accept the request, especially considering the bullying she endured.

Let's say worse case scenario, she does have an interest in your friend. You cannot take that personally, I know that's difficult and I promise it will get easier with age, life will continue. You are only 17, so don't forget to keep your mind open to all the probabilities. Who knows, you may think this girl is your true love, but most likely won't meet your ACTUAL true love until your 20's or 30's. If possible, you have to let go of a competitive mindset with love, it is not healthy for you or anyone else involved. Add your friend, send a new request if you are that uneasy, nothing bad can come out of that. If nothing happens, just simply ask her if she received your request. If you really want to know, you must assert yourself to the truth, which an ENFP will typically provide.

Take some time to clear your mind, you may be letting your worry get the best of you, which won't turn out in your favor.
Consider the possibilities and how you will handle them. It is always plausible that she simply wanted to be friends, this might be hard to accept but keep in mind that if you really connect with this girl, a friendship is better than nothing. Don't let your paranoia jeopardize that, who knows, that friendship could bloom into more in the future. Your first heartache is a very tough pill to swallow, you may not feel so secure now, but I promise with time you will roll your eyes that you ever had these anxieties. Don't set yourself up to be let down, you are kids (no disrespect, I'm still a kid myself in theory) and kids can be cruel and reckless with each other. No one is to blame except the mentality of teens, so don't take it so personally or you'll never be able to move on from it.

Look at things from her perspective, if you can, are you appearing too pushy? Too emotionally distant or intense? Are you coming off in a way that is anticipating more from her than she is ready to give? These things can be a major turn off to people, sometimes we do those things without noticing. Not speaking for all ENFP's when I say this, but the ones I know (I know a couple) tend to have non-malicious favoritism with their friends. Just because you click well with her unlike anyone before, does not mean that the feelings on her part are that strong. If she does really like this guy, even if it really sucks, try supporting her as a friend would. Clicking with someone doesn't always lead to a romantic relationship, even if we feel like it could, I can empathize with that greatly.

Also, please don't contemplate self-harm. If you feel any emotional agitation you are always welcome here to vent. Remember, self-harm is not a healthy solution (or a solution at all!). What you do now is be honest with her, spend some more time with her and make it clear you have feelings for her without expecting or pushing reciprocation. You have known each other for a short time, even if it feels like a decade, so remember to pace yourself.

Hopefully, I'm not coming off too rough on ya, I don't think you should be baby-talked and only getting, "Aw, young love, you'll be OK kid.", so I'm speaking to you as the adult you are about to be, with all due respect. It's a bumpy road but it has a great scenic route you can't forget to admire at times. What I mean by that is, don't get too caught up in puerile matters that you forget to embrace your last couple years as a teenager. Your feelings are valid by all means, but don't let it control you so rigorously.

All of us here have experienced this in our youth, you are not alone by any means. Most importantly, no matter the outcome, you will survive. That's why we are still here, after all! :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,567 Posts
(I already posted a response on your other thread but there's an actual discussion going on here with the INFJs I thought I'd chime in ;P )

It's already been said it's worth saying again: Be straight forward. Honesty is the best thing for this. I don't know a single ENFP who wouldn't appreciate this!

INFJs and ENFPs can't have telepathic conversations unfortunately... so ask if she's seen it or if she wants to accept you or if she wants to contact you by another means like a mobile number.

At this point I would stop analysing the situation at all. You don't need to attempt to guess how things are from her perspective. Overanalysing things without facts is what got you here. Ask. And if in doubt, ask again. She won't appreciate you coming to your own conclusions before she's given a chance to express herself. That would frustrate an ENFP to no end.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Xila and Shodan

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
@peachtype
Thanks a lot. Your post is wonderful. It hurts yes, but it is full of hope at the same time and in case things go wrong, I will remember this.
As for for looking things from her perspective, I think our Ni makes us naturally do so, so I think this part is ok. :p
I will, as you say, try to be more straightforward with her, and if it comes that she isn't interested for a love relationship, well... I'll have to survive anyway.
@FallingFoxes
Hey dear ENFP! Thanks for your viewpoint, I really appreciate :) I'll check your post on the other thread.
Yep, be more straight forward, I'll definetly remember that ^^
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
Top