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This thread was inspired by my interesting day today.

So I woke up on Mars because I had unknowingly purchased a new bed from the future. It has a built-in homing device that automatically forces it to return to the planet of its original manufacture when its malfunctioning. Fortunately, I kind of figured out how to work the thing (and what timing, I was down to 8% oxygen) and I decided to take a little trip to Beijing, where my girlfriend currently lives.

Honestly, the city of Beijing sucks. There's lots to do, yeah, but the smog is thick enough to swim through. Thankfully I have a double bed so we took it down to New Zealand, and found a little cafe in Auckland for some breakfast. I ate a 6-egg omlette to maintain my muscle mass, she had a vegemite sandwhich (gross). But wouldn't you know it, I parked in a handicapped spot so they towed my bed away. Freakin' Kiwis. We didn't mind much though because my girlfriend and I love the open spaces, we actually both dream of becoming shepherds.

We hitched a ride with some crazy conspiracy theorist to the countryside. His truck broke down 3km into it, but since he was towing horses, he gave us two of his fastest stallions (What charity! I don't give Kiwis enough credit). My girlfriend and I raced through the fragrant fields and over the picturesque mountains until we found the perfect sheep farm. Kinda didn't matter that we were there as we paid no attention to the sheep. We spent hours talking, then letting the silence speak through our eyes, cuddling, rolling around in the field, and just as I was about to propose to her, one of the stallions suddenly fell over so I put him over my shoulders and walked him to the nearest veterinary clinic. We're still waiting in the lobby (where I'm currently typing) for the doctor to give us the results of his brain scan... poor Pedro.
 

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MOTM June 2012
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Well my friend flew me out to Vegas for his Bacheleor party and on the plane, I saw this shady looking dude, so I kept an eye on him. Turns out he was trying to hijack the plane, so naturally I beat the fuck outta him, subdued him and thwarted distaster. Everyone loved and applauded me. The hott stewardess even snuck me in the bathroom and initiated me into the Mile High Club! :cool:

Upon landing, Pesident Obama came to congratulate me on my heroic feat, but I told him I'd rather remain anonymous. He approved, and fist bumped me before sharing a blunt with me on Air Force 1.
:crazy:
After I met up with my friends, we hit the casino hard, and 25 minutes later I hit for $100,000,000.00 dollars! PARTY TIME INDEED! :crazy::crazy::crazy: We spent the next hour or so doing shots of absinthe and once we had a good buzz going on, we went to hit the clubs. The doorman recognized me from the plane, and let us in, saving us form a 2+ hour wait in line.

Some dancing ensued, a blowjob on the dance floor, and a personal shoutout from the DJ was all in order. By the time we were about to leave Kim Kardashian was all over me, but I told her I hated her new haircut and told her to fuck off. This worked out well because Kanye was getting pretty jealous and was looking for a fight and I didn't want to knock him out infront of the whole club.

Later, while crusing the strip we ran into Floyd Mayweather and 50 Cent so we partied with them a little bit, but then it was time to hit the brothels. I got all my friends laid by the top women with the money from my winnings, while I scouted for afterparties. Found one, and lots of cocaine and strippers ensued. Got into my first threesome, and awoke just in time to catch a quick drink before my flight back home.

I made sure my personal limo was waiting for me upon my arrival, and I just got in about 20 minutes ago. Ahhh, just another day in the life. :cool:
 

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I woke up in a trash can next to a green monster who was singing some of Yes's 80's music, but I didn't mind. He got angry at all of the noise I wasn't making, so sent kicked me out of the can and I found myself in Fort Meigs. The general there had sent me an invitation to the Yule Ball, so I was going there anyway.
I had forgotten that it wasn't Christmastime yet, so I left for Pandora's Box. It was boring, except for the monkey -- he was singing Yes's 80's music, too.

All of the drugs made my memory a little fuzzy, so I can't remember anything before the stampede of centipedes. One of them stopped and asked me for a handful of walnuts, but I didn't have any, so I gave him the frankfurter that I stole from the green monster. The centipede ate it, said "Dude, this is some good <expletive omitted>," and he ascended to a higher plane of consciousness. I tried to follow, but Zeus told me no. I asked why, and he said he was busy making toast, so I went back home.

The trash can was empty (the green monster usually goes out around 5:00PM to stalk Jon Anderson and Trevor Rabin), so I climbed in and took a nap until last Thursday.

I now sit at my computer in retrospect. It was the best day ever -- so good, I'm listening to "It Can Happen" right now.
 

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Right so This Morning i woke up feeling great, so great I decided enough bullshitting around Im going to get a wife today. As if on cue my roomate burst into my room with two cans of Red Bull a bag full of Viagra, and about 200 Condoms....Bitch what do you think Im after a fling were my thoughts as I proceeded to lay a beat down on his ass.

Taking the Red Bulls with me I went to the only logical place to find a Wife, the Bowling Ally. And wouldnt you know, from the moment I walked in through those rotating doors, I knew she was the one. So polished and clean, I just wanted to plug all three of her pretty little holes. Unfortunately I saw she was already with another man, big guy too could lift her around quite easily If he wanted to, although at the time he seemed complacent to just sit on his little bench and ignore her. Imediatly getting nervous I began to check out her figure a little bit more, although she was defiantly a more curvy build, she still didnt seem that heavy. In fact she was quite small compared to my past relationships.

The man she was with continued to ignore her, even bowling without her and well I dont know what came over me but soon I found myself overcome with rage. How could this douche bag just ignore her like that... she looked so lonely and heart broken... and then "hit happened" After a gutter ball her neanderthal boy friend shout a couple profanities in rage, turned to the girl of my dreams, lifted her, and threw her across the room. This is what pushed me over the edge. As he turned around, wearing a smug grin, as if to say I just accomplished something he met Mr Fist, my Mr fist. Whilst I was silent in my approach as soon as first contact was made all bets were off. Screaming any and all obscenities that came to my head I began to lay into the guy. Im sure if I was coherent at the time I would have told him that she was to good for you and all that jazz but I was to preoccupied with turning his head into a mound of red jelly.

Looking back on it, I was pretty selfish during the whole ordeal, I mean a true gentleman would have gone to check on the girl first, but that's the thing about blood lust, you lose focus on whats important. Besides I had naturally assumed the worse when I saw how far he had thrown the poor girl, thats why i was so surprised when I saw her roll up next to me, seemingly un-touched. It was only out of my peripherals but still her approach snapped me out of murder mode and back to reality, turning to her I attempted to comfort her. "Its ok, he will never hurt you again" she was speechless but that's ok. I left the ally after that, before people could react to the scene that happened in front of them, Fortunately no staff tried to stop my escape as Im sure I may have broken a couple laws (and bones).

The story doesn't end there however as I did take her with me. Lifting her off her feet I carried her home with me, home to live happily ever after, well that part comes soon, the marriage is actually in a couple hours assuming it goes through. Apparently society frowns upon marring a bowling ball but hey, Ill show them all that love this strong cannot be silenced.
 
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