Tendency to Complain?

Very much so XD

I've learned to hold some things back and go with the flow, but I still do it. If there is anything irritating about me, it is my complaining.

why would you say this is?

Namaste said:

I know a few ISFJs who are some of the biggest complainers I know, it's exhausting to be around them and listen to their complaints. Why do ISFJs have a tendency to complain?

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Not all ISFJ's complain. Everyone complains, that has nothing to do with type. ISFJ's are actually more prone to hold things back as not to hurt others feelings and to keep harmony.

One of the biggest misconceptions about ISFJ's is that they always complain. It comes from a fundamental misunderstanding of what they are trying to communicate. A lot of times, ISFJ's will use a bad situation in there life in order to get someone to talk about what is going on in their life. We try to be subtle, and we do too good of a job about it. Its also how we phrase things. I myself am an optimist, but if you ask any of my NF friends, they say I am a pessimist. It is just how they perceive how I speak.

I don't really think I complain too much. Sure I complain sometimes, but that's only if there's something I'm really uncomfortable about or, I know this will sound weird, but I sometimes complain to make conservation. If there's an awkward silence I may say something like "I have so much homework." or "I'm tired." Sometimes it's not even true, but it's something that me and the person I'm talking to can agree on or talk about. I don't think it's an ISFJ thing to do that though, more like a weird thing I do.

Overall I don't think I complain too much or more than over types. As Trigun64 said it's more like a people thing than a type thing. (But I do have to say I have an ESFJ friend who seems to complain all the time, but it may only seem this way because I spend so much time with her)

It's all about time and place.. and person. ..and style.

Is this just an ISFJ thing though? I know that I'm an ISTJ and do complain a lot.

The complaining is more about things I am worried about (like, how am I going to get all my work done?) or things that went terribly wrong though. If I am anxious I can come acroos as complaining but I am really just worrying a lot about how I'll find the energy to finish my work. I can obsess about things that go horribly wrong (especially if it was unfair), mostly because I am anrgry with myself. But the little things don't get to me, unless I have gotten really stressed out.

I am a pessimist in a sense, in an optimist in another. As a pessimist I know to be prepared for the worst, but as an optimist I am usually okay with everything as it is (even if there are obstacles).

Namaste said:

why would you say this is?

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Well I'm pretty much just a stubborn guy. I don't want to do anything (that's an exaggeration). So in order for me to do things that satisfy me, I have to go through initial irritation. So when I say no to something, really I should be saying yes because then I don't accomplish much in the day. That is more unsatisfying.

I think Fe users would have a tendency to complain about how they feel about something. It's self-disclosure. A typical Fe trend.

Namaste said:

I know a few ISFJs who are some of the biggest complainers I know, it's exhausting to be around them and listen to their complaints. Why do ISFJs have a tendency to complain?

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Trigun64 said:

Not all ISFJ's complain. Everyone complains, that has nothing to do with type. ISFJ's are actually more prone to hold things back as not to hurt others feelings and to keep harmony.

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Trigun is right, and here's the thing: I don't think ISFJ's complain more than other types, but there is a difference in general in how they complain and more importantly, who they complain to.

Like Trigun said, ISFJ's usually hold things back and hold things in in order to keep things going smoothly. The problem is, after holding all of this in for a while, eventually it's all going to come bursting out.

So, when an ISFJ does complain, it's usually a lot. And I've noticed for me, there are only a select few people I'll complain to. These are people that I'm close to that I know will still be there for me and be my friends despite my complaining. They usually listen very well, support me, and chime in. The second I know someone is bothered by my complaining, I stop doing it to them...but once again, this is just another source of me bottling it up.


So my guess is that the ISFJ's you're referring to probably feel comfortable complaining to you, but not to a lot of people they know.

A lot of it too is probably the fact that ISFJ's, like ISTJ's, don't like change and would rather keep things the same. I know sometimes I do that to an extent that even if I don't like something, I'd rather keep it rather than risk things getting worse. It's only when something gets unbearably bad that I finally change. As a result, however, I usually feel the need to vent and let out my feelings to people...once I do, I feel refreshed and can deal with everything a lot more easily.


Basically, if you have a problem with these friends complaining, just tell them that you'd rather them not do it around or to you because it wears you out.

teddy564339 said:

So, when an ISFJ does complain, it's usually a lot. And I've noticed for me, there are only a select few people I'll complain to. These are people that I'm close to that I know will still be there for me and be my friends despite my complaining. They usually listen very well, support me, and chime in. The second I know someone is bothered by my complaining, I stop doing it to them...but once again, this is just another source of me bottling it up.

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Absolutely. I have noticed that in a weird way it's almost a compliment if I complain at you -- it's like I'm saying I trust you to stick around even after I stop being 'sweet and lovely' at you. But I will also definitely stop doing it if the person makes it clear that they are bothered by it. the downside to that is that I then feel I have to watch myself around them and I don't feel quite as close to them as I did before.

I find that when I do complain, they are mostly self-critical complaints. Are other ISFJs like this?

HandiAce said:

I find that when I do complain, they are mostly self-critical complaints. Are other ISFJs like this?

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I'm honestly not sure about self-critical complaints; I don't tend to say it, but I know I think it. What kind of things do you mean, Handi? If it's 'I'm too lazy/procrastinating/etc' I can definetely relate XD

I tend to complain amongst only people who I know will sympathise with me; while it's nice to have someone keep me positive, sometimes you want someone to understand, you know? My ISTJ friend is great for this, and we often spend ages on MSN just whining :laughing:

I've found I complain mostly about things I can't change, such as how other people act, or an event that might/might not happen. (Inferior Ne taking over with worst-case scenarios )

But I agree with the previous posts, if I'm venting to you it's because I trust you enough not to judge me.

AquaColum said:

I'm honestly not sure about self-critical complaints; I don't tend to say it, but I know I think it. What kind of things do you mean, Handi? If it's 'I'm too lazy/procrastinating/etc' I can definetely relate XD

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That and basically criticizing yourself in front of other people. Being hard on yourself.

I have noticed that in a weird way it's almost a compliment if I complain at you.

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I can relate strongly to that as well.

I relate alot to your post Aquacolum. I had a very close ESFJ male friend, and because I got so comfortable opening up about the negative things - rather than not adressing them nearly so much as with others, most of my communication to him was whining, and he'd be a wonderful cuddly agony aunt, but wouldn't ever bring a harsh, but true edge to it, comforting, but not bring me out.


I would say most of my everyday complaining is about things I can't change, or am too lazy to change. procrastination definately.

An ENTP guy I know - possibly ESTP - asked me 'Do you ever get annoyed about anything?' It took me two weeks to work out, and then tell him (We were on a residential course together, so together 24/7 mostly) that I didn't like him being mean to a girl. Being able to complain about something like that is extreamly difficult for me, extreamly difficult. I was actually pretty proud of myself. It means alot about how I feel about you, how much I'm willing to steak on you, sort've like putting me in your hands, and giving sort of control. To begin with I don't know how I feel about such things...It was something completely contrary to my nature I suppose. To him it was just an uncharacteristic comment I guess.

However he responded with 'Do you want me to stop?' I wanted to curl up into a ball and half die, just telling him how I felt about it was like waaayyy too much, or waaayyy more than I'm used to. Complaining about things that can change in such a way is deeply uncomfortable.

HandiAce said:

That and basically criticizing yourself in front of other people. Being hard on yourself.

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I'd agree with this. I hate to admit it, but when I'm self critical I think that in a way, I do want the sympathy. I want someone to feel bad for me for once. I can't speak for all ISFJs, but I think it might be a common thread that we're always the ones giving the support, and people often don't really show it to the same extent/depth that we do.

Liminality said:

Complaining about things that can change in such a way is deeply uncomfortable.

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Agreed. If you can't change it, then it'd be more 'acceptable' to complain about it, since it's out of your control. But with something you can change, I feel as if there's a sort of expectation that you should stop whinging and do something about it!

But thing is, we might not really want to change it. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't like having to accept the responsibility for things like that

(Yeah, I have a weird type of logic :tongue