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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
As the sun set on the grassy green cemetery, a maker was lost. As the day turned to night like the man himself, the dust finally settled on the bottom of the dark abyss gone for all eternity. But there shall be bloodshed... as one creation will soon arise.


It was midday and Josh, a young boy and son of Liam Fear was playing and exploring their newly bought house. This house was old and stained by memory, it was built in a lovely country village which had now expanded to the hills just over the horizon, vines crept across the white washed outer walls to form a comforting atmosphere, the straw thatched roof smelled musty and it had a nice picket fence surrounding it. It was a very small house only just containing two bed rooms, library filled with lovely old books and shelves, a kitchen, dining room and a toilet outhouse. As Josh was called into the house by his mother for lunch he noticed a peculiar window set just below the roofing, he stared curiously and saw that there was a bright red shoe box on the window sill.


During lunch with his mother he asked her whether or not they had an attic in their new house, to his disappointment she implied with little thought that they probably didn’t, because their house was so small and there wasn’t enough ceiling space.


After lunch, Josh decided to investigate for himself, so he gathered a torch, some snacks and put a jumper over his muddied t-shirt. The urgency in finding the attic was thrilling to josh and soon he became like a caged bird wanting to burst out and become free and wild. He looked from one corner to another searching for evidence of cracks or crevices where he may pry open a door of some kind. For what felt like many hours but in reality only a few minutes, josh gave up in search of the attic, sat down on the porch that was near the front door in order to rethink his search plan. As he was thinking in anticipation of a great idea he was suddenly hit by the glare of the afternoon sun, as he looked to the right to avoid it he found that he was staring at what looked like a moss covered rock but when examined carefully, saw it was an old trap door imbedded into the ground. In one long swift motion he had already slid his torch into his pocket, grabbed the handle and opened the moss ridden door.


The stairs that had been there before must have rotted away because Josh fell with a thud on a dark and slimy floor of what seemed like an old wine cellar. After fumbling a around for a few seconds and trying to get his torch to work he suddenly realized he was trapped and there seemed to be nowhere out, warily putting one foot in front of the other he moved along the closest wall ducking between spider webs and an occasional pillar. When he got to the end of the cellar he could see a flight of spiralling stairs going up towards the ceiling.


The Fear family didn’t know who had been the last resident of the house but there were rumours in the neighbourhood that he had died from a fatal accident to do with his work in making stuffed teddy bears.

With a chill running down his spine Josh came to the end of the stairs to discover a small workshop with all kinds of stuffed heads arms legs and little black button eyes hanging down from the ceiling. He saw the window with the red shoe box just beyond a little work bench and moved towards it. When he was standing right in front of the red box and could see there were lots of warning signs with huge bold letters saying KEEP OUT, DO NOT OPEN, BEWARE OF BEAR, Pandora’s box 2, DO NOT OPEN, Property of Terrence Screams and mechanical killer. Ignoring the warning signs he slid the box lid off and discovered a little brown furry teddy bear lying flat on his face. Josh picked the bear up, held it up in order to examine what he had found, by the time Josh realized what he had done the bears black beady eyes had lit to life and glowing red. Josh stumbled back dropping the bear, the bear now fully alive landed on his feet, right near the bear him lay a sharp and pointy object, the bear swiped the object into his hand and marched towards Josh screaming out loudly like a pig being brought to a slaughter house. The bear lunged for Josh but just missed him by an inch or two, landing on his feet again the bear twirled around swiftly and jumped towards his victim’s leg stabbing the tool into his upper thigh, Josh fell to the floor screaming in pain. The bear came and stood over him with the glinting tool, blood covered half its face, it stared deeply into the boys eyes, the boy caught the bears line of sight and stared back, the bear raised his bloodied weapon, and struck downwards into his face before Josh could even think about moving away. From Josh’s view the bear was fading way into a white mist and so was he never to be heard or seen again.

The next day the sun rose from the silent hills of the country town to two broken hearts at a cemetery. The boy was buried near all there other victims, all two thousand of them suffered the same fate.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
I hope you liked it, sorry if there was any spelling or grammer mistakes.:proud:

Wrote this short story about 3 months ago for school.
 

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Would you like me to (thoroughly) critique your writing? That would involve me dissecting and analyzing every single detail that I so happen to find inadequate. I know how sensitive you INFPs can be, so I am going to restrain myself until you give me the green light.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Would you like me to (thoroughly) critique your writing? That would involve me dissecting and analyzing every single detail that I so happen to find inadequate. I know how sensitive you INFPs can be, so I am going to restrain myself until you give me the green light.


Yea sure go ahead!:wink:
 

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First of all, please do not take any of my criticisms as a personal attack. My intention is not to belittle your writing ability, but to point out flaws and inconsistencies that you may improve upon, and so become a better author.

I know this would prove rather detrimental to your self-esteem, but such a process requires me to completely eviscerate your writing. Please don’t feel overly discouraged.

Anything in italics are rewrites; those in bold are my personal additions/changes.

Now, onto the nitty-gritty.

Overall:
- Interesting plot concept. (Mass-murdering teddy bears PWN. :laughing:)
- Okay length for a short story.

Improvements to be made:
- Poor introduction.
- Poor resolution.
- Grammatical incohesiveness. Poor sentence structure; requires streamlining.
- (Related to the previous) Inappropriate abuse of commas to lengthen sentences.
- Lack of paragraph breaks to delineate changes in plot.
- Lack of (effective) emotive phrases to create suspense/sensation of fear.

As the sun set on the grassy green cemetery, a maker was lost. As the day turned to night like the man himself, the dust finally settled on the bottom of the dark abyss gone for all eternity. But there shall be bloodshed... as one creation will soon arise.
This is one of those 'huh' introductions. You are attempting to inspire a sense of horrific grandeur - and falling short. I would say that it is better to cut it out altogether, and embellish more upon next paragraph to give it the 'introductory feeling'.

This house was old and stained by memory, it was built in a lovely country village which had now expanded to the hills just over the horizon, vines crept across the white washed outer walls to form a comforting atmosphere, the straw thatched roof smelled musty and it had a nice picket fence surrounding it.
Too many descriptions in the one sentence = lack of focus. Cut it up; rearranging the order of the descriptive phrases may also help.

The sense engaged here is the visual - remain consistent. An abrupt change to the olfactory (the straw-thatched roof smelled musty) is disruptive.

For example:

Built in a lovely country village which had now expanded to the hills just over the horizon, the house was old and stained by memory. A nice picket fence surrounded the property, and vines crept across the white-washed outer walls to create a comforting, nostalgic atmosphere.

Sound better, eh?

As Josh was called into the house by his mother for lunch he noticed a peculiar window set just below the roofing, he stared curiously and saw that there was a bright red shoe box on the window sill.
Better rephrased as:

As Josh was called into the house for lunch, he noticed a peculiar window set just below the roofing. Staring curiously, he saw that there was a bright red shoebox on the windowsill.

Also, this passage needs to be separated from the previous paragraph, as it denotes an important change in the plot = prompting Josh to investigate and hence trigger the next series of events.

During lunch with his mother he asked her whether or not they had an attic in their new house, to his disappointment she implied with little thought that they probably didn’t, because their house was so small and there wasn’t enough ceiling space.
Gah. Short, clear sentences are more aesthetically appealing than long, rambling ones - unless you're conducting an experiment in stream of consciousness writing.

During lunch with his mother he asked her whether or not they had an attic in their new house. To his disappointment, she answered - without much consideration for the subject - that they probably didn’t, because their house was so small and there wasn’t enough ceiling space.

After lunch, Josh decided to investigate for himself, so he gathered a torch, some snacks and put a jumper over his muddied t-shirt. The urgency in finding the attic was thrilling to josh and soon he became like a caged bird wanting to burst out and become free and wild. He looked from one corner to another searching for evidence of cracks or crevices where he may pry open a door of some kind. For what felt like many hours but in reality only a few minutes, josh gave up in search of the attic, sat down on the porch that was near the front door in order to rethink his search plan. As he was thinking in anticipation of a great idea he was suddenly hit by the glare of the afternoon sun, as he looked to the right to avoid it he found that he was staring at what looked like a moss covered rock but when examined carefully, saw it was an old trap door imbedded into the ground. In one long swift motion he had already slid his torch into his pocket, grabbed the handle and opened the moss ridden door.
My advance apologies - I am getting impatient at this point. Two words of advice. Paragraph. Breaks. And I hope you don't mind me taking the liberty of rewriting the whole paragraph to my liking.

After lunch, Josh decided to investigate for himself, so he gathered a torch, some snacks and put a jumper over his muddied t-shirt. The thrill in uncovering the mysteries of the attic filled him with a restless energy, so much so that he felt like a caged bird desiring nothing more than to burst out from its prison and fly free.

Determinedly, he looked from one corner to another, searching for cracks or crevices where he may pry open a door of some kind. Within a few minutes - which had felt like many hours - he had completed several rounds of the attic, but found nothing.

Throwing up his hands in defeat, he returned outside and sat down on the porch beside the front door, where he proceeded to rethink his search plan.
As he wiled away in anticipation of a great idea, he was suddenly hit by the glare of the afternoon sun. His automatic reflex was to look away to the right; as he did, he realized that he was staring at what appeared to be a moss covered rock, but when examined carefully, was in actuality an old trapdoor embedded into the ground.

He did not think; he simply moved. Sliding his torch into his pocket, he grabbed the handle and yanked open the moss ridden door.


The stairs that had been there before must have rotted away because Josh fell with a thud on a dark and slimy floor of what seemed like an old wine cellar. After fumbling a around for a few seconds and trying to get his torch to work he suddenly realized he was trapped and there seemed to be nowhere out, warily putting one foot in front of the other he moved along the closest wall ducking between spider webs and an occasional pillar. When he got to the end of the cellar he could see a flight of spiralling stairs going up towards the ceiling.

The Fear family didn’t know who had been the last resident of the house but there were rumours in the neighbourhood that he had died from a fatal accident to do with his work in making stuffed teddy bears.
Consider revising. If I were Josh, I would be in state of panic. What you ought to do here, is describe all the visceral reactions that come along with such a state - fluttering heart, light-headedness, involuntary shaking, cold sweat etc. And you could go on about he frantically tries to find a way out, or tries to act brave instead because [insert backstory here], or that his curiosity overrides his fear.

In other words, I believe Josh to be unnaturally calm in such circumstances, whatever his temperament might be. Expounding on his fear would create greater suspense, and engage the audience more thoroughly.

With a chill running down his spine Josh came to the end of the stairs to discover a small workshop with all kinds of stuffed heads arms legs and little black button eyes hanging down from the ceiling. He saw the window with the red shoe box just beyond a little work bench and moved towards it. When he was standing right in front of the red box and could see there were lots of warning signs with huge bold letters saying KEEP OUT, DO NOT OPEN, BEWARE OF BEAR, Pandora’s box 2, DO NOT OPEN, Property of Terrence Screams and mechanical killer. Ignoring the warning signs he slid the box lid off and discovered a little brown furry teddy bear lying flat on his face. Josh picked the bear up, held it up in order to examine what he had found, by the time Josh realized what he had done the bears black beady eyes had lit to life and glowing red. Josh stumbled back dropping the bear, the bear now fully alive landed on his feet, right near the bear him lay a sharp and pointy object, the bear swiped the object into his hand and marched towards Josh screaming out loudly like a pig being brought to a slaughter house. The bear lunged for Josh but just missed him by an inch or two, landing on his feet again the bear twirled around swiftly and jumped towards his victim’s leg stabbing the tool into his upper thigh, Josh fell to the floor screaming in pain. The bear came and stood over him with the glinting tool, blood covered half its face, it stared deeply into the boys eyes, the boy caught the bears line of sight and stared back, the bear raised his bloodied weapon, and struck downwards into his face before Josh could even think about moving away. From Josh’s view the bear was fading way into a white mist and so was he never to be heard or seen again.
To be perfectly frank, this was very poorly formatted. I would completely revise it. Aside from the obvious lack of (necessary) paragraph breaks, your sentences are effectively gibberish, throwing out fragmented descriptions in a chaotic, almost unintelligible manner.

Practise different ways of constructing a sentence that ultimately conveys the same meaning. Then choose the one that sounds best and suits the context most appropriately. For example:

She grasped his hand, causing his face to split into a wide grin.
His face split into a wide grin when she reached out to grasp his hand.
When she grasped his hand, he could not help but grin a face-splitting grin.

Again, I am going to take the liberty to rewrite this whole paragraph, sans bolding. I’ve incorporated some (personal) tips you can use to increase the power and impact of your writing:

With a chill running down his spine, Josh came to the end of the stairs only to discover a small workshop with all kinds of stuffed body parts and black button eyes hanging down from the ceiling. The window with the red shoebox that had initially captured his interest lay just beyond the workbench, and he moved towards it as though drawn by an invisible magnet. Standing right before the red box now, he could see that there were numerous warning signs plastered across its surface, each and every one inscribed in huge, bold letters:

KEEP OUT
DO NOT OPEN
BEWARE OF BEAR
Pandora’s Box 2, Property of Terrence Screams

(What I've done here, is provide the literary equivalent of the imagery you're trying to evoke. Not only does spacing out the "warnings" improve clarity, but also impact.)

Ignoring the warning signs, Josh slid the box lid off, revealing a little brown teddy bear lying face-down within. He then picked up the bear, holding it up in order to examine it more carefully. A few moments passed in silence, where the frontline of Josh's curiosity retreated into worry, insisting that instead of messing around with other people's abandoned toys, he should be finding his way out of here.

Then the bear's lifeless, beady eyes glowed red.

(Stand-alone sentences can be very effective – especially if they are short. You’ll notice that I’ve worded the previous passage in a very deliberate fashion in order to accommodate this stand-alone sentence.)

Shrieking in fright, Josh dropped it and stumbled backwards, desperate to put as much distance between himself and the now fully-animated stuffed toy. The bear, however, did not collapse upon hitting the ground, landing on its feet instead with the graceful precision of a cat. Then, out of seemingly nowhere, it swiped a sharp, pointed object into its paw, before proceeding to march towards Josh with deadly intent.

A scream of pure terror tore from Josh's throat. His mind flooded with panic, he crashed into the workbench behind him, upturning it and sending various tools to the ground to erupt in a spine-tingling cacophony of metallic clinks. Unheeding of the chaos, the bear lunged for Josh – only a swift roll to the left prevented its makeshift knife from being embedded into his arm. The bear did not relent; landing on its feet again, it twirled around and leapt in the direction of Josh’s leg, knife glinting in the air.

(I’ve identified the sharp, pointed object to be a knife here; giving it the name of a weapon emphasizes its lethality more than the generic term of ‘tool’ ever can.)

Pain, hot and sizzlingly bright, flared where the knife sank into the flesh of his upper thigh.

(Another stand-alone sentence, to capture the horrific violence of the action. Note how I’ve used ‘pain’ as the subject.)

Howling in agony, Josh crashed to the floor, clutching his injured limb. Awash in pain as he was, he did not notice that his attacker had moved into his line of sight until it stood before him, fur matted with his blood. There was a moment where their gazes locked onto one another’s, brown eyes meeting demonic red. Slowly, the bear raised its weapon, the crimson blade glistening in the afternoon light like the ultimate omen of doom.

Then the blade struck downwards and Josh knew no more.


(The main protagonist’s death is made all the more the dramatic in a finishing one-liner.)

The next day the sun rose from the silent hills of the country town to two broken hearts at a cemetery. The boy was buried near all there other victims, all two thousand of them suffered the same fate.
Too dull and factual for an ending. Here’s something with a little more dramatic flair:

The next day, the sun rose from the silent hills of the country town to shine its rays upon two broken hearts in a cemetery. Josh Fear, son of Liam Fear, was buried in the same place as the other victims, all two thousand of them having suffered the same fate.

In the meantime, a red shoebox sat innocently against the windowsill of a worn-down cottage, inviting all young and curious passerbys to come discover the secrets within…


(Adding the last line brings about a state of perpetuating irresolution - a closure that is not a closure.)

I hope I haven't traumatized you. However it may have appeared, it is not my intention to "show off" my supposedly superior writing skills by making comparisons. I simply feel that the only way to adequately explain what I believe you had done wrong is to actually rewrite your work and demonstrate – literally – how improvements can be made. I have put a lot of effort into composing this critique, and I hope you understand that I am trying to help you, and so treat this as a learning experience.

--

And I'm sorry to hear about your rabbit.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
WOW, you wrote all of that?:crazy:
...i,ll definitely have to read this thoroughly.

Thank you for your wise advice, tips and your condolences.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
You do realize tho, i did that story in 1 hour,
for school, under a certain amount of words,
at the last minute and that was my first draft LOL. :laughing:

But next time, when i do a story i want to do, i will heed your advice:proud:
 

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You do realize tho, i did that story in 1 hour,
for school, under a certain amount of words,
at the last minute and that was my first draft LOL.
Lol indeed. I don't half-ass any job.

Why don't you show me something you've taken more than 1 hour to write, then?
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Why don't you show me something you've taken more than 1 hour to write, then?
Meh, i dont feel like writing A.T.M
And who said i intended on showing you specifically? :tongue:
Maybe i just wanted to post a story i wrote for the sake of it. LOLZ
 
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