Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 38 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
885 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I had an epiphany recently, something that has crossed my mind from time to time but I never realized just how prevalent it was for me.

I feel like a complete alien in life. Cutting edge stuff, right? It isn't that I feel this on and off, but looking back, it is a perpetual feeling, just been subconscious most of the time. I understand one of the characteristics (stereotype maybe?) of an INFJ is feeling like an alien. "No one understands me, what does it all mean?" etc etc

When I answered the "things commonly said to INFJ" thread, I realized I am rarely engaged other than passing pleasantries, work stuff, and the occasional funny banter at work. Throughout my life, I looked back and noticed how I tried to engage with others and with life in general and how it falls through. I usually chalk the failures up to something I am doing wrong and need to work on being a better person or whatever the case.

When I sat down and really thought about it though, I see this as a common thread going back through my life. I never felt like a real part of anything, though I have been part of many things. I was always in the background, never really stood out (though I've had real reason to). This "epiphany" almost feels like that moment when you realized Bruce Willis was a ghost in Sixth Sense (spoilers!), like I'm not really here. It is like I am in a bubble, and while I interact with people, at the end of the day I retract to my bubble. I feel like an alien just here to observe and silently interact but not have any lasting impressions/connections. Then there are other characteristic feelings: never feeling at home anywhere, never settling, unable to create/denied romantic connections, very very few real friendship connections. It is like I am an alien that came to earth for a reason, took human form then forgot he was an alien and started trying to live like a human and that is causing all kinds of malfunction. The level of detachment I live with day in and day out I always assumed was just the result of something about me that universally unappealing... but what if? Spooky.

When I listen to others and their normal experiences from life, I am a bit taken back. There are some threads I don't reply in because I can't relate. I want to relate, I am aching to relate, just unable. I can understand things love, companionship, intimacy, loyalty, and devotion in principle, but as a practice they are foreign concepts to me. I don't remember what a hug feels like, for example. I don't say that to pull heart strings or evoke pity, just stating a fact. So many experiences that others talk about as normal parts of life are completely removed from my experience despite my endeavors to the contrary. I usually chalk up my "failures" as mistakes I have made and need to get and be better (I am the common denominator after all), and used it as a means of motivation to keep growing and not use scapegoats. I have taken in advice to try and start "living in the present" but every present moment I can detect this sense of alienation. This has also led to a very interesting very literal love/hate relationship with myself. After years and years of this without any observable improvement, you begin to wonder if there is something else holding the strings.

I have never felt like the captain of my own soul, and have always had this sense of something greater than me defining the parameters in which I am allowed to live (it was God punishing me for sin that was limiting my life). Maybe there is a natural deterrent in me that relegates me to being merely a visitor, a tourist, an observer, a spectator. No real meaningful interaction is possible, maybe this cosmic force is preventing me from engaging in life despite years of my very frustrated attempts. Honestly I have gotten to the point where I am too tired of spinning my wheels trying to improve something that, despite my best efforts, has not (cannot?) improve. I have to consider that I am running myself ragged trying to polish the brass on the Titanic. I only continue to fight based on a theory. I have little to no observable experience that would suggest a reason to continue the fight or a chance at the victor I aim for. Maybe I was restricted from the get go, and this endless frustration is tantamount to a fish trying to fly. I am not trying to sound pathetic, just being honest in my observations.

Honestly, if I accepted this as truth, it would explain a whole lot and that both terrifies and intrigues me. Of course I know it isn't true, but if I was to embrace it and adjust my expectations likewise, it would really change my perspective on so many things. It makes too much sense to be so easily dismissed by me.

I guess what I am really after is to find out if there an official "ism" for this feeling? Surely there are others that feel this in such an engrossing way as it seems to me? I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out some of the "whys" in my life, and while I don't like this theory, I have to admit this fits unnervingly well. Anyone else?

(FYI I know I'm not an alien :p)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
325 Posts
I feel like an outsider too, for most of my life so far. It seems such a paradox to be a sensitive type, an empath, yet at the same time not being able to fully relate to others with their normal life experiences. I guess I could attribute this to the fact that I hardly get to have the same normal experience to that of other people, because for the most part I choose and desire to withdraw myself and take delight in the privacy and comfort of my bubble, playing with my thoughts, reflections and imaginations. As it is, being an eager empath, I as well hurt when I can’t effectively connect with some of my friends when they talk about their love life, day-to-day successes and the like. Tbh, I am still in the journey to accepting this inherent part of me.



However, I don’t believe that you (or I) have been punished for having such a natural tendency to feel remote. I don’t believe anybody is ever born to be punished at all, especially you who have no desire whatsoever to bring harm to the world as a whole. You lean tend towards the opposite even. Since you have expressed that you don’t feel like the master of your own soul, it may perhaps take a little more time to realise this? I believe in the existence of free will which everyone is entitled to have. I have realised that the only thing that has been holding me back from reaching out to society is myself. It is indeed hard to teach oneself to move forward towards improvement. But if the desire is there, who says it can’t happen?


I’d say don’t stop trying to change for the better. Growth is inevitable yet is necessary. It may seem painfully slow to the extent that you may not feel that you’re moving at all, but who knows through deeper introspection the realisation would suddenly buoy to the surface, that have actually gone several miles and have finally reached your ultimate goal. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,487 Posts
@ohnoitsjoes and @ vanilla_dream

May I give an older perspective here?

I tried for years, exactly as you both describe, to be a part of others lives, worlds, social hierarchies. I was always the outsider, the one who everyone thought was OK, but didn't put on the invite lists to parties. A vivid example was a New Year party I was at (all ages of people)....when it was midnight, everyone was kissing, hugging etc...........one person, just one, shook my hand! Outsider? I felt positively contagious! It put me on a downer for several weeks thereafter.

Then one day I stopped trying. Stopped trying to fit into the expectations of others, stopped trying to second guess what others wanted from me and trying to adjust myself to fit. Stopped trying to be liked. Stopped placing far too great a burden on my own shoulders.

It wasn't easy. I had to become content with my own company, I learned to live with myself. That made it a whole lot easier to live with others. To stop the expectations of others and more importantly the expectations on myself. It was a standard I could never reach. I'm not that perfect, and nor is anyone else.

Stop trying.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
325 Posts
@ohnoitsjoes and @ vanilla_dream

May I give an older perspective here?

I tried for years, exactly as you both describe, to be a part of others lives, worlds, social hierarchies. I was always the outsider, the one who everyone thought was OK, but didn't put on the invite lists to parties. A vivid example was a New Year party I was at (all ages of people)....when it was midnight, everyone was kissing, hugging etc...........one person, just one, shook my hand! Outsider? I felt positively contagious! It put me on a downer for several weeks thereafter.

Then one day I stopped trying. Stopped trying to fit into the expectations of others, stopped trying to second guess what others wanted from me and trying to adjust myself to fit. Stopped trying to be liked. Stopped placing far too great a burden on my own shoulders.

It wasn't easy. I had to become content with my own company, I learned to live with myself. That made it a whole lot easier to live with others. To stop the expectations of others and more importantly the expectations on myself. It was a standard I could never reach. I'm not that perfect, and nor is anyone else.

Stop trying.
I wasn't encouraging anyone to be a social climber. I was meant to say to not stop growing as a person, that is, the journey of accepting oneself as they are and minimizing the tendency to self-criticize. To try to work around people's individual differences while at the same time not compromising oneself, and so, adapting effectively. It is indeed easier said than done, but like I said, the journey is long but in the end worthwhile. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
229 Posts
You know, some days I feel like an observer from the TV show Fringe. Without the time traveling abilities of course, but I watch the world, and see various connections from one event to another but never interact with people unless it's necessary. May just be me being my weird self, but that's how it's been since I was a little kid. I just meander through life without truely connecting to anyone, only watching others connect to others. When I make a meaningful and memorable connection though, like my best and only friend, it lasts forever.

Also I understand the whole understanding theory of love and intimacy but never actually put it to practice. *raises hand*. Never been in a relationship, but I find it intriguing when others come to me for advice on theirs. It's a strange feeling when that happens, when they gush over others, and I wish I could gush over others like they would. But I just don't. It's foreign to me, but I find it perfectly normal for others to do it. I find it's okay if they talk about their lives, but after hearing it, I find my own rather experienceless. It may be my own doing and own fault for this experienceless life, but I'm getting used to it. In fact i'm attempting to cross the line from observer to doer, at least a pinkie toe's length. One pinkie toe at a time for me. But it's hard to change what's comfortable and normal on my standards.

....
But I can relate in some fashion when it comes to feeling alien. Just wanted to say that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,390 Posts
You know, some days I feel like an observer from the TV show Fringe. Without the time traveling abilities of course, but I watch the world, and see various connections from one event to another but never interact with people unless it's necessary.
Heck yeah, and props for mentioning Fringe. Just wanted to say that. :3
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18 Posts
Damn near cried manly tears.

For me, I thought I was a "lesser human". I could never label anyone I know that, but I would illogically apply it to myself because of how strange I felt. Constantly compromising myself to try to make others feel comfortable or to be comfortable with me. A certain sense of empathy seemed to grant me that ability. What you said about not being hated but being "OK" really resonated. That's who I have always been.

@Killbain, @vanilla_dream: Thank you both for the perspectives. Very helpful for this lurker.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
95 Posts
I completely understand all of your points. If some guy in a suit knocked on my door today informing me that I wasn't human I wouldn't be surprised at all xD

I've actually started to see people as humans (as if they're creatures of some sort), when I think about society its as if I'm an alien observer watching things unfold, almost studying humans if you will o_O It's quite strange. I feel different from others, like there's just something about "me" that's a bit off, but I hate thinking that because I can't stand people who think they're so different when they're just like everyone else -_-

I watch my relatives and friends lives, how they live, what they think, what they do, how they interact with others and I just can't imagine being like that. Something about all of it just doesn't make sense, and when I try to socialize how I'm expected to it feels awkward and forced. I'm very dry and logical, but I'm also very emotion-oriented. I confuse myself a lot too lol. It feels kinda like there is a mechanical/physical piece of my brain missing, that if I just had I would be like "oh! I get it all now! *goes on to live life normally*"

I don't really feel worse than others, I just feel different which sometimes makes me feel inadequate in certain (usually social) situations because most other people seem much more equipped to handle it.

Oh well, its nearly 4am and I'm getting much too philosophical for my own good. time for bed :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
117 Posts
Inferior SE, I believe - I cope with it a bit differently. Instead of putting myself down, I think way less of those who are not up to par with certain moral codes, for example. They're less than dirt to me and I wouldn't mind stepping on their face if they were standing in the way of something I desire - be it material, peace of mind, or to promote the progress of a close friend, etc. I haven't always been that way though, I grew into it sometime ago. But I never completely threw out the idea that I could be an alien XD

Anyways the inferior SE makes us feel like we don't belong here, like we can't connect to reality like most others. The fact that iNtuitives are less common than Sensors is definitely a factor as well, and it's something that we'd like to attach meaning to in order to validate ourselves (Ns) and why we feel like this. I'll be 23 soon, and things are getting better than they've ever been before (as of late) so I haven't lost my fire for life...

That's my theory, anyways.

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours." -Ayn Rand
 
  • Like
Reactions: ohnoezitsjoez

·
Registered
Joined
·
616 Posts
I had an epiphany recently [. . . .] I feel like a complete alien in life. [. . .] After years and years of this without any observable improvement, you begin to wonder if there is something else holding the strings. [. . .] [M]aybe this cosmic force is preventing me from engaging in life despite years of my very frustrated attempts. Honestly I have gotten to the point where I am too tired of spinning my wheels trying to improve something that, despite my best efforts, has not (cannot?) improve. [. . .] Maybe I was restricted from the get go [. . . .] Surely there are others that feel this in such an engrossing way as it seems to me?
-----Do you feel like a kite tied to a brick during an annual windstorm?
-----Predestination. I've thought about that. "And into that heart poured all the suffering and sorrow and loss of the world." The 36 who supposedly keep God's wrath at bay. Comeuppance: Ethics for Activists - 9. I've thought of that, too. From time to time, I've been accusatory. That it's me. That it's them. Sometimes, I wonder if there's a scientific explanation. I've considered those possibilities, too.
-----But time and time again, I am reset. I try to run, but all paths lead to the point of origin. I am a set point in world of motion. I am Sisyphus.
-----I try to remember the Serenity Prayer. Which is it time for? Serenity? Courage? Wisdom? If only I knew which.
-----But as hopeless as it seems to never move forward, there is something worse--hopelessness--that motionlessness captured by Samuel Beckett. Maybe you and I can't possibly win.
-----Maybe we need to say "no." Was that Carlyle of Nietzsche or some other word piper? Once we say "no" to everything, then there is nothing else to say but, "Yes."
-----The Norse believed that the only chance for an afterlife was to die in battle--to be an einherjar. Upon death in battle, valkyries would carry them to Valhalla. There, they would await the final battle--essentially between good and evil. The result of the final battle was known: the heavens, earth, and all of the world are burned, and the gods, einherjar, and all of mankind have died. Pretty depressing, huh? And yet the Norse fought, anyway. Perhaps it doesn't make sense, but perhaps it does. Perhaps we are meant to struggle. Perhaps happiness is the calm between the storm that's passed and the storm that's coming. Perhaps freedom is in the struggle.
-----When Jacob wrestled with some form of the divine, it was a draw. But Jacob had hold and did not let go--he demanded a blessing. "Then the man said, 'Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome.'" Perhaps it isn't necessary to win. Just to survive. Just to hold our ground. Just to draw. Just to break even. Just to struggle.
-----I know I can't win. I look at my life and realize that I never have won. And yet, looking into the future, I always try to maintain a skeptical optimism. At least in the future there's a chance that we will win--overcome--connect.
-----Forgive me for saying this, but it's not so much that you're an alien as you're a warrior. You may never succeed, but there's only one thing you can do if you want to look back and know that you tried your best.
-----Yours in Dylanian rage, Geoffrey.
~~~~----~~~~----~~~~
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.​

"Do not go gentle into that good night" by Dylan Thomas
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Ive always felt like an outsider but Ive always been fortunate enough to have very extroverted popular people as close friends. These friends have always brought me into the popular groups throughout school, they introduced me to guys and girls and forced me out of my comfort zone enough for me to learn to be more sociable.

I always used to reintroduce myself to people i had already met once or twice since I thought I wasn't memorable enough for them to remember my name. If I want to borrow a lighter from a stranger I still practice saying it 10 times in my head before I actually ask.

But day by day I'm getting better at talking to people, I can finally actually approach strangers and talk to them, I used to fake the confidence but its starting to come naturally to me. I have been actively working on my social life since I was 15 (Reading books on phsycology and simply forcing my self out of my comfort zone) now 2 years later Im able to do things I never thought I could do. In another 2 years I will be even better.

I still prefer lying in bed reading a good book but at least now when I go to parties I don't feel like a social outcast.

Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to be someone I'm not. I'm just trying to be a better version of myself. The two turning points in my social life was when I got over my teenage depression about 6 months ago. (I still get sad but I don't dwell on it anymore) And when I read How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

I believe any of us can become more social people and fit in to the world around us if we set out minds to it and are willing to put in the effort but its your own choice whether or not you believe its worth the time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
158 Posts
@ohnoezitsjoez

Gosh,reading your thread actually brought tears to my eyes,I felt as if I was reading my own life story unfold...I know exactly how you feel there...For all of my life I've always felt like an alien,its as if my soul was just stuck in the body of a human and that was the only thing people saw,they couldnt see through that cage...and because of this, I was bullied for most of my childhood,always that girl sitting and eating her lunch alone,while watching others enjoy being a child,playing in the playground.I tried to 'fit in', by putting on an act as if I was someone else,but at the end of the day I was that girl again.I remember how I used to cry myself to sleep everynight because the emptiness of feeling alone would suffocate me again.I hated myself and eventhough I tried to improve myself,I never really could...But one day I realised that I was just pushing myself away while trying to build a broken reflection of lies,I realised that I was retreating to my dreams of pain,just to fill the emptiness inside,I realised that I could never create myself and say that I'm...... if I didnt know who the 'I' is ? ... If we want to 'create' our role in the society, we firstly need to find our initial role which is being who we are,instead of thinking where we stand in the society,we need to question where we stand in our own minds.Dont try to fit into the definition given to you in the script,mold the script to your own unique self,because once you embrace youself as who you are,you'll see that the ones worth caring for,will too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
885 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
I am kinda shocked that this has had a couple strong reactions. The whole "alien" concept makes the idea of connecting with others experiences in a personal way like this odd for me. I am glad I am not alone in feeling this as strong as I do.

There has been a lot of nice perspectives/experiences talked about here. Much to chew on while in my bubble. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
406 Posts
How curious . . . I was thinking about creating pretty much exactly the same thread yesterday. I was even going to include the word ‘alien’ in the title to describe the experience you've described. Well, it looks like my laziness paid off for once and I've been spared the trouble.

It seems I've never connected or been able to relate with people. And never is really not an exaggeration. I stopped saying “I love you” to my parents at around the age of four or five when I began to grasp the true meaning and import of the phrase; I realized that love didn't accurately characterize the relationship on my end (expressing as much felt inauthentic and unnatural) and encountered a veritable maelstrom of anxiety and doubt concerning interpersonal relationships—but that's another can of worms.

I was fortunate not to have endured my school years friendless, at least. In high school I hung out with a group of guys with whom I got along well, and among them I count at least two individuals who qualify as close friends. The trouble is, though:‘close,’ for me, is just a few degrees above total disconnection. I cared for these individuals and enjoyed their company, but I never managed to escape the feeling that I was a spectator rather than a participant in these relationships. I was not invested or engaged in the way others seem so naturally to transition as a friendship develops.

Nowadays I have no contact with other human beings beyond what is necessary to survive. I would like one deep and meaningful connection in my life, however, and what disheartens me is the fact that this has eluded me for my entire life among even my closest friends and family.

It's not that I dislike people or lack basic social skills. I've simply positioned myself in an awkward place: I desire only these mythical, idealized, ‘deep’ connections to the complete exclusion of any interactions outside this context. As a general proposition, interaction for its own sake is empty and unfulfilling for me. Of course, relationships of the sort I desire do not spontaneously materialize. They begin at the beginning; they grow into something more as we cultivate them over time. Some might argue that this growth captures the quintessence of what gives them meaning in the first place. Unfortunately, my behavior precludes the possibility entirely.

I feel like I'm trapped in a fish bowl, watching helplessly as others just outside the transparent dome so readily and freely enjoy life in ways that I do not—cannot. Life itself appears so tantalizingly close and yet so utterly inaccessible to an individual such as myself, it seems (confined to mere existence).

So why don't I simply give it another shot? venture out and make a few acquaintances if for no other reason than because I've got nothing to lose? In contrast to other areas of life where I've unnecessarily sabotaged opportunities to experience happiness, many legitimate reasons, I feel. But this post is pretty long, and that's another story.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
I can totally empathize! I had an epiphany the other day when I realized that no one really knows me. I have two people with whom I'm really close friends, and everyone else is a friendly acquaintance. But even to those two best friends, I rarely share more than half of what I'm thinking, feeling, experiencing, etc. at the time. They're wonderful people and amazing friends, and I trust them, but at the same time, I can't imagine they'd want to hang out with me if they knew everything.
The fact that I don't have any "friends" at school (where I spend the greater part of my life at the moment) is incredibly depressing at times. I feel like I'm drifting through the day, invisible and incomprehensible to those around me. Like @ohnoezitsjoez said, it's like I live in a bubble. I'm in society, but I'm cut off from it, I'm not connected.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Even though part of me seriously doubts anyone can feel the way I do, the other part seems to intuitively understand that a lot of people-- particularly INFJs-- probably experience these feelings. I aniticipate this thread getting a lot more attention in the future. Thanks for being courageous enough to instigate the conversation.
 
  • Like
Reactions: ohnoezitsjoez

·
Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Oops, that last post was meant to reply to @ohnoezitsjoez's last post expressing his shock at the responses to this thread. (#14)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
885 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
I would love to reply to so many individuals and points but that probably isn't a good idea haha.

Gonna break this up into 3 sections since each is distinct in topic and pray it isnt too long.

The Observer and The Observed

Another aspect of this I have always found interesting is I feel like I am observing my own life as I live it, not just life in general. I feel like I detach myself and sit back in the shadows with a notepad and camera and watch. It is kinda like Discovery channel, you have the group going out and observing wildlife. They take notes, film, and they may interact lightly with the animals in the interest of data (tagging them and such) but they never interfere. While seeing the lions attack the pitiful gazelle may pull on the heart strings of the observers, they must let nature take its course.

So not only do I feel like an observer of life in general, I feel like an observer of my own life. This makes describing it difficult because I am coming from a perspective that, unless specifically understood, comes across confusing. I am both the observer and the observed.

And because I am both, I understand my own plights personally and I am motivated to "interfere." Like the wildlife observers would return to their camp at night and review the data, I will sink into my bubble ever detached from my own life and consider the things I observed. I find my attempts to interfere to be constantly foiled, which is what lead me to say things like "I wonder if someone else has the strings." I wonder if I am trying to stop nature from taking its course, trying to stop the inevitable. See the correlation?

The conclusions I come to are often from the "observer" perspective. I have taken notes, reviewed the data, and while any conclusion is open to new information that presents itself, they are still formed. I don't discuss many conclusions because they come across like I am speaking from the one experiencing the events. However I often present them much like an observer would present their findings of wild animals in a lecture, I am reporting my findings and my conclusions. When I say that I believe I will never find a companion, I am not speaking from the perspective of the one experiencing it, I am speaking from the perspective of the observer that has collected and observed years of data. This leads to the challenge of opening up about these things because advice never seems to fit.

Advice
I know I am relatively young, and I purposely keep myself teachable. I know there is a lot I do not know, and there is a lot I could learn from others. I am not so full of myself that I think I can't learn anything more. And this thread specifically has a lot of good all around advice, regardless of whether I feel it is applicable to me. I appreciate the time someone takes to offer advice and counsel, and don't expect them to know the magic words for me when they don't know me or my life intimately. If I can present this analogy without offending anyone, I approach it much like a child who brings his crying mother a flower to "make it better." A flower isn't going to make it better, but the mother appreciates the gesture and the intention. The mother doesn't expect the child to even be able to make it better, and when I receive, I try to be gracious and understand that strangers probably aren't going to have the specific answers. And much like the mother who in turn comforts the child, I know some of the things I say/believe are hard to hear and accept, and empaths can sometimes take it to heart more than I wish they would inflict on themselves. I don't like burdening others in such a way that they feel like they have to do something to help because accepting the alternative is to hard, so to protect others from feeling bad about my story, I usually smile and accept their flower to make them feel better. This sounds more condescending than I'd like, I just don't like people hurting on my account. The general counsel is still amazing though. I hope that distinction makes sense.

One thing I always feel, however, is I am never quite convinced that my plights are taken as validly as I believe them to be. I always get a sense of them being dismissed, as if I am making much ado about little. To me, it is like someone who just got snake bit by a cottonmouth and running to a friend for help, the friend puts a band-aid on the bite wound, and says "Just take some Robitussin and take a nap, you'll be right as rain in the morning." I rarely get the feeling that it is every being taken as seriously as I believe it to be. Granted, this is most likely due to a combination of things I mentioned above: my inability to describe it clearly to distinguish the observer/observed vantage point, and also the fact that people don't know me intimately enough to really get it. There are some things you have to witness first hand to really have it hit home, and I liken this to that.

Without understanding it intimately, I don't really expect to hear any new advice. Anytime someone offers some, I take it in and do what I can to digest it, I don't want to be dismissive myself. I always give it a chance, I just feel it rarely addresses the poison coursing through my body from the snake bite, usually just addressing aspects of the bite wound itself.

Often I hear that what I am experiencing is the result of something I am doing wrong, effectively that I am doing this to myself. It is easy to insist fault be on the person experiencing the problem, and I assure everyone I am not trying to escape responsibility for my own life. While I wouldn't argue again me having a lot of responsibility for these circumstances (I am the first person to nail myself to a cross), I almost believe that even if I did everything right and was perfect, I would still be in the same boat.

And I hate cliches. When I hear some equivalent to "theres plenty of fish in the sea" and "you can't let your past rule your future", I want to scream. There is plenty of wisdom in those concepts, absolutely, and plenty I could take from it still. However, things like this are limited severely by context. Tell the meteorologist or cancer patient that "you can't let the past rule your future." It is a no-no to give a terminal patient false hope because the subsequent crash that occurs when reality strikes them back down can have devastating effects. Sometimes, sometimes, we have to accept and learn to let go that certain things just aren't going to happen.


Alone verses lonely


Alone and lonely are concepts, so I may use the words interchangeably but never the ideas. I am trying to distinguish two concepts, not two words.

I am fine being alone. I love my alone time and guard it ferociously. I am textbook in this regard, social interaction drains me and I must go back to solitude to recharge. I want nothing more. I don't need someone around me 24/7. I am fine generally not having anyone to come home to, I am self content and sufficient. I am not reliant on others in that regard. I know some people who, if they aren't in a relationship, their life falls apart. Mine doesn't. I am not looking for a relationship for the sake of a relationship.

All that is different than being lonely, at least in the context I use it. This is the hardest thing for me to describe because it is universally misunderstood. I don't need another person to make me happy, to fulfill me as a person. I do need another person to complete my life, fulfill this part of my life. There is a world of difference between those two fulfillment.

There are a lot of things I want to do in life. And my original post said I have literal love/hate relationship with myself. I do love myself and many parts of myself, without question.

However, feeling this alienation and detachment from life and experience leaves my life gray and dull. "Things" and hobbies aren't going to change that. Even a person isn't going to change that. However I am 100% convinced a connection could. This alienation causes an apathy to rise in me. Life is lifeless without connection for me. Every person has things they value and things they don't. This is what I value. My soul feels emaciated without it, and all the self discovery and self love in the world doesn't address that. I am not that person who just got dumped and thinks his life is over. This isn't an emotional reaction, though it certainly evokes emotions aplenty.

So the observer in me sits down and looks at the data, looks at the facts and tries to figure out why things are as they are from there. The fact is I have a romantic batting average of 0. Until new information presents itself that counters the data that fuels this conclusion, I have concluded this is nature taking its course for me. I know it isn't easy to consider that not everyone has a fairy tale ending, but some people die alone and hurting. I have personally concluded this of my own life because I have no reason to believe otherwise. All the cliches and generalities in the world don't mean a thing compared to a mountain of evidence. If someone believes different of me, prove it, that is all I need (this is rhetorical, I am not actually challenging anyone to prove anything). I have to have a reason to believe something. I hate every bit of this, but I accept it because experience and observation from the majority of my life (and every new day) proves it. I don't say this to evoke pity, since as the observer I cannot interfere and make things worse.

So while I want to live and experience life and have lots I would love to do, I don't want to do it alone. I don't consider it worthwhile. I don't want it to be worth it because I value connection more than living out my life.

And I am not looking for mere proximity and calling that companionship or connection. We all know what it is like to be in a room full of people and still be alone. Having a bed-mate isn't what I look for. And while one could argue that "beggars can't be choosers", I would rather be lonely than settle for less than what is right (and by right, I don't mean perfect/flawless). I don't want to surround myself with wrong people or convenient people, assuming I even could if I wanted to. I am stubborn on this point, I admit, but if that something is not present, then I cannot connect with someone. However once it is present, I theorize that the connection and power possible from it is endless.

I don't hold much hope for it to happen. For a similar reason, I don't believe I will ever have a record deal as a singer. Conclusions like this alter how one lives, and makes one ask the tough questions like "What am I living for?" and "Why do I continue to live?" This opens up a whole new can of worms so I will end that thought there, but I believe you get the idea.

When I talk about these things, I look for others perspectives, I look to see if anyone relates. I am constantly looking introspectively, searching and looking for ways to grow and learn about me and life in general... however I also believe there comes a point when you don't like what you are discovering you are growing into. And nothing you do is stopping it, and you are sitting back and watching, and living, a calamity. Life is wonderful, I just don't see much purpose in it when it is detached and in grayscale. Living for the sake of living, as if living was novel in and of itself, doesn't do it for me anymore. You don't continue to invest in a company that isn't producing a worthwhile product, and while you may invest for a time as a show of faith and hope, sometimes you gotta know when to pull out and cut your losses. The beauty of life, the beauty and wonder that I know exists, actually haunts me now because I know what I am being detached from. Maybe I should be stronger, but I can't live close to "the birds" of life/love and that be enough.

So please understand how I am presenting this, mostly as an observer (again, there is some overlap since I am both the observer and observed in my own life). I know I am not a "special snowflake" nor do I expect to be seen that way. I am not an exception, I am fully aware this is nothing special. I also understand that plenty others have it much worse than me. When you write a post of this length, it comes across as a "cry for help/attention" and I hate that. There are many others I would rather time and attention be poured into, even others on this site that really reach out for help. I hate feeling like I am taking away from them. The length of the post is due to me being undisciplined and not practicing brevity, I don't want to seem like I am just trying to garner attention and sympathy like an emotional vampire. :)
 
1 - 20 of 38 Posts
Top