I had an epiphany recently, something that has crossed my mind from time to time but I never realized just how prevalent it was for me.
I feel like a complete alien in life. Cutting edge stuff, right? It isn't that I feel this on and off, but looking back, it is a perpetual feeling, just been subconscious most of the time. I understand one of the characteristics (stereotype maybe?) of an INFJ is feeling like an alien. "No one understands me, what does it all mean?" etc etc
When I answered the "things commonly said to INFJ" thread, I realized I am rarely engaged other than passing pleasantries, work stuff, and the occasional funny banter at work. Throughout my life, I looked back and noticed how I tried to engage with others and with life in general and how it falls through. I usually chalk the failures up to something I am doing wrong and need to work on being a better person or whatever the case.
When I sat down and really thought about it though, I see this as a common thread going back through my life. I never felt like a real part of anything, though I have been part of many things. I was always in the background, never really stood out (though I've had real reason to). This "epiphany" almost feels like that moment when you realized Bruce Willis was a ghost in Sixth Sense (spoilers!), like I'm not really here. It is like I am in a bubble, and while I interact with people, at the end of the day I retract to my bubble. I feel like an alien just here to observe and silently interact but not have any lasting impressions/connections. Then there are other characteristic feelings: never feeling at home anywhere, never settling, unable to create/denied romantic connections, very very few real friendship connections. It is like I am an alien that came to earth for a reason, took human form then forgot he was an alien and started trying to live like a human and that is causing all kinds of malfunction. The level of detachment I live with day in and day out I always assumed was just the result of something about me that universally unappealing... but what if? Spooky.
When I listen to others and their normal experiences from life, I am a bit taken back. There are some threads I don't reply in because I can't relate. I want to relate, I am aching to relate, just unable. I can understand things love, companionship, intimacy, loyalty, and devotion in principle, but as a practice they are foreign concepts to me. I don't remember what a hug feels like, for example. I don't say that to pull heart strings or evoke pity, just stating a fact. So many experiences that others talk about as normal parts of life are completely removed from my experience despite my endeavors to the contrary. I usually chalk up my "failures" as mistakes I have made and need to get and be better (I am the common denominator after all), and used it as a means of motivation to keep growing and not use scapegoats. I have taken in advice to try and start "living in the present" but every present moment I can detect this sense of alienation. This has also led to a very interesting very literal love/hate relationship with myself. After years and years of this without any observable improvement, you begin to wonder if there is something else holding the strings.
I have never felt like the captain of my own soul, and have always had this sense of something greater than me defining the parameters in which I am allowed to live (it was God punishing me for sin that was limiting my life). Maybe there is a natural deterrent in me that relegates me to being merely a visitor, a tourist, an observer, a spectator. No real meaningful interaction is possible, maybe this cosmic force is preventing me from engaging in life despite years of my very frustrated attempts. Honestly I have gotten to the point where I am too tired of spinning my wheels trying to improve something that, despite my best efforts, has not (cannot?) improve. I have to consider that I am running myself ragged trying to polish the brass on the Titanic. I only continue to fight based on a theory. I have little to no observable experience that would suggest a reason to continue the fight or a chance at the victor I aim for. Maybe I was restricted from the get go, and this endless frustration is tantamount to a fish trying to fly. I am not trying to sound pathetic, just being honest in my observations.
Honestly, if I accepted this as truth, it would explain a whole lot and that both terrifies and intrigues me. Of course I know it isn't true, but if I was to embrace it and adjust my expectations likewise, it would really change my perspective on so many things. It makes too much sense to be so easily dismissed by me.
I guess what I am really after is to find out if there an official "ism" for this feeling? Surely there are others that feel this in such an engrossing way as it seems to me? I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out some of the "whys" in my life, and while I don't like this theory, I have to admit this fits unnervingly well. Anyone else?
(FYI I know I'm not an alien )
I feel like a complete alien in life. Cutting edge stuff, right? It isn't that I feel this on and off, but looking back, it is a perpetual feeling, just been subconscious most of the time. I understand one of the characteristics (stereotype maybe?) of an INFJ is feeling like an alien. "No one understands me, what does it all mean?" etc etc
When I answered the "things commonly said to INFJ" thread, I realized I am rarely engaged other than passing pleasantries, work stuff, and the occasional funny banter at work. Throughout my life, I looked back and noticed how I tried to engage with others and with life in general and how it falls through. I usually chalk the failures up to something I am doing wrong and need to work on being a better person or whatever the case.
When I sat down and really thought about it though, I see this as a common thread going back through my life. I never felt like a real part of anything, though I have been part of many things. I was always in the background, never really stood out (though I've had real reason to). This "epiphany" almost feels like that moment when you realized Bruce Willis was a ghost in Sixth Sense (spoilers!), like I'm not really here. It is like I am in a bubble, and while I interact with people, at the end of the day I retract to my bubble. I feel like an alien just here to observe and silently interact but not have any lasting impressions/connections. Then there are other characteristic feelings: never feeling at home anywhere, never settling, unable to create/denied romantic connections, very very few real friendship connections. It is like I am an alien that came to earth for a reason, took human form then forgot he was an alien and started trying to live like a human and that is causing all kinds of malfunction. The level of detachment I live with day in and day out I always assumed was just the result of something about me that universally unappealing... but what if? Spooky.
When I listen to others and their normal experiences from life, I am a bit taken back. There are some threads I don't reply in because I can't relate. I want to relate, I am aching to relate, just unable. I can understand things love, companionship, intimacy, loyalty, and devotion in principle, but as a practice they are foreign concepts to me. I don't remember what a hug feels like, for example. I don't say that to pull heart strings or evoke pity, just stating a fact. So many experiences that others talk about as normal parts of life are completely removed from my experience despite my endeavors to the contrary. I usually chalk up my "failures" as mistakes I have made and need to get and be better (I am the common denominator after all), and used it as a means of motivation to keep growing and not use scapegoats. I have taken in advice to try and start "living in the present" but every present moment I can detect this sense of alienation. This has also led to a very interesting very literal love/hate relationship with myself. After years and years of this without any observable improvement, you begin to wonder if there is something else holding the strings.
I have never felt like the captain of my own soul, and have always had this sense of something greater than me defining the parameters in which I am allowed to live (it was God punishing me for sin that was limiting my life). Maybe there is a natural deterrent in me that relegates me to being merely a visitor, a tourist, an observer, a spectator. No real meaningful interaction is possible, maybe this cosmic force is preventing me from engaging in life despite years of my very frustrated attempts. Honestly I have gotten to the point where I am too tired of spinning my wheels trying to improve something that, despite my best efforts, has not (cannot?) improve. I have to consider that I am running myself ragged trying to polish the brass on the Titanic. I only continue to fight based on a theory. I have little to no observable experience that would suggest a reason to continue the fight or a chance at the victor I aim for. Maybe I was restricted from the get go, and this endless frustration is tantamount to a fish trying to fly. I am not trying to sound pathetic, just being honest in my observations.
Honestly, if I accepted this as truth, it would explain a whole lot and that both terrifies and intrigues me. Of course I know it isn't true, but if I was to embrace it and adjust my expectations likewise, it would really change my perspective on so many things. It makes too much sense to be so easily dismissed by me.
I guess what I am really after is to find out if there an official "ism" for this feeling? Surely there are others that feel this in such an engrossing way as it seems to me? I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out some of the "whys" in my life, and while I don't like this theory, I have to admit this fits unnervingly well. Anyone else?
(FYI I know I'm not an alien )