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Discussion Starter #1
DON'T PANIC!!! IT REALLY IS PROBABLY US!!! IT IS OFTEN FIXABLE!!!

Now that that's out of the way let's get down to brass tacts on all the most common reasons why you're ISFP might have disappeared.

Were you flirting? If so then it's one of the following:
- They might just not be into you. Sorry to say it but it definitely does happen. And we're conflict avoident people so if we're not into you we're probably going to avoid you.
- They might have run away to figure out their feelings about you. As easy as it is for us to figure out if we don't want to be with someone it's very difficult for us to figure out if we do want to be with someone. And I want to be clear, this isn't about figuring out if we're into you. We'll figure out if we're into you quickly. It's about struggling with figuring out if this relationship is right for us and being unable to know for sure because we really can't know without experiencing it but we really don't want to get into it without first making sure it's right because we're the type of person to dive into it completely and we don't want to totally dive into the wrong relationship. We want to commit, but we want to commit to the right relationship and are terrified of committing to the wrong relationship.
- They might want you to chase them. This is really just an extension of the reason above (going away to figure out our feelings.) We sometimes subconsciously test possible relationships to see if the person will stick around and make it work, even chase after us. This is because of both the above reasons and also the stuff below about how we often get overlooked and as a result tend to think people aren't really that into us and will move on quickly if we prove difficult.

Do they seem to have not remembered that intimate conversation you had?
- Things have to be consistent for it to really impact us because we're so in the moment and so often ignored that unless you approach us again we're going to think it clearly didn't mean anything to you. Thinking it doesn't mean anything to you we'll probably quickly adopt the point of view of it not meaning anything to us either. If you inform us otherwise we'll be delighted and change back again.

Did they just forget to text you for a few months?
- Actually, yes, we do that. It's because we're so very in the moment. This moment becomes the next moment and the moment after that and before we realize that time has passed it's been two months and we still haven't called to let mom know we got home alone safely.




This is just a summery of my responses to the most common relationship problems people have brought to this forum. If any ISFPs want to comment or contribute feel free to do so! The point of this thread is to answer the common questions about why ISFPs seem weird in romantic scenarios, particularly dating, because so many people come to this forum to ask these same questions.
 

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Let's make this thread the new ISFP FAQ lol.

I agree with the chasing thing. I need to know if someone's interested to consider being in a relationship with them. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. And I can't figure out my feelings that soon either lol, and while doing it I might just forget about the person over time, so it has to keep consistent.

Also I refuse to worry myself to death over a particular love interest, so if I can't see it happening then I will sooner or later throw the idea of a relationship away.
 

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Hello, I posted this in a thread in the advice forum. Sorry if this isn't the correct place. You don't have to read it all but basically my boyfriend ran off and won't talk to me and I just want to make things right with him which I think I'd have a chance at if I could just see him face to face. So I'm staying in a hotel and hostels in the city where he's run off and hope to find him.

Boyfriend broke up with me suddenly ran off and now won't speak to me


My boyfriend is tired of our arguing. He hates conflict in general. He broke up with me a couple of days ago then I waited outside his work fir hours for him to come out because he wouldn't talk to me. We walked around together and he could see I was more relaxed, nice and apologetic so he came back and said he'd give our relationship one final last chance. He'd broken up not spoken to me and got bank together with me before I still ended up ruining it and making arguments not treating him well. So this time he took me back again but yesterday we argued a little bit again even though I wasn't as bad and then there was this total misunderstanding that happened but he doesn't believe me he thinks I did it on purpose even though I apologised and said it was a misunderstanding. And now he won't speak to me and is actively looking to move to another city staying in hostels there (we live together). He just ran away from me when we were out and went straight to the other city and won't speak to me. It seems so final. I just want to speak to him face to face or on the phone. To explain and apologise. It's so sad because I know he still loves me... But he says he doesn't want to be with me anymore and this was my last chance. How likely to get back together after a couple of chances and so broken trust? I texted him I've booked to see a therapist for my OCD now which I hadn't before although I'd always wanted to. I don't even know if he believes me that the thing which made him run off was actually just a misunderstanding or not. He's an ISFP btw. I just want to make things right. I know we can be happy together. I'm really committed to the relationship and getting help and never treating him badly again. I think he still loves me just that he wants to be happy together and can't stand the arguments anymore and I agree and I know I can change that.
 

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@pippylongstocking
Constant arguments are certainly a turnoff for any ISFP. It seems that he wanted some time away from you, but you still went to see him outside of work anyways. That might seem clingy from an ISFP's POV. Give him the alone time he needs. ISFPs tend to disappear when too much is going on. Trying to get him to come back would seem clingy and desperate, so that wouldn't be a good idea.

Also, if he already ran away, it might be better for you for move on. You two might not be as compatible as you'd hope for. Sorry if this didn't help at all.
 

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Can I just say thank you, @Whatexists for explaining so well the reasons why we ISFPs may disappear on potential romantic partners. I agree with all the points you've made, especially with this part:
This is because of both the above reasons and also the stuff below about how we often get overlooked and as a result tend to think people aren't really that into us and will move on quickly if we prove difficult.
and yes, we do need this thread to be sticky!
 

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Did they just forget to text you for a few months?
- Actually, yes, we do that. It's because we're so very in the moment. This moment becomes the next moment and the moment after that and before we realize that time has passed it's been two months and we still haven't called to let mom know we got home alone safely.
Is there anyone immune from this, like other than your significant other? I get that you guys are very in the moment so relationships seem to be very much out of sight out of mind. But if someone else doesnt initiate things does it just never occur to you guys to reach out? I kind of lump this together with the supposed ISFP flakiness, so building off this, how likely or realistic is it for an ISFP to forget plans just two days later? Like you get SOOO into things you forget what was said/setup just a couple days ago and miss it? Is that possible or am i being fed a bunch of bs by a friend of mine.

I know I'm quoting you, but really any ISFP input is appreciated.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Is there anyone immune from this, like other than your significant other? I get that you guys are very in the moment so relationships seem to be very much out of sight out of mind. But if someone else doesnt initiate things does it just never occur to you guys to reach out? I kind of lump this together with the supposed ISFP flakiness, so building off this, how likely or realistic is it for an ISFP to forget plans just two days later? Like you get SOOO into things you forget what was said/setup just a couple days ago and miss it? Is that possible or am i being fed a bunch of bs by a friend of mine.

I know I'm quoting you, but really any ISFP input is appreciated.
Uh. yeah. It's more like... we have a conversation, talk about things. I make a note to remember. I move on to next activity and it is now out of my mind because I'm doing something new. This continues with four or five activities over the course of two days. If reminded I'll be like, "Oh! Shit! Yeah!" but otherwise...

Now, sure, sometimes we can remember. Like. I'm talking about a sort of... statistical average of behavior. Sometimes we'll remember and make an effort and do keep in contact. Sometimes we'll remember to set a reminder that will work. Sometimes we'll carefully focus on it the whole time to remember. And sometimes it'll just occur to us when the time is right. If you tell them that it's important to you that they remember and ask them, in light of how they tend to get really caught up in the moment, if there is anything you can do to help them remember or if they can set a reminder. That might help work through the issue more. If it is important to you I'll try to remember, but I do need to be told that it's important.

I don't know... does that help at all?
 
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Uh. yeah. It's more like... we have a conversation, talk about things. I make a note to remember. I move on to next activity and it is now out of my mind because I'm doing something new. This continues with four or five activities over the course of two days. If reminded I'll be like, "Oh! Shit! Yeah!" but otherwise...

Now, sure, sometimes we can remember. Like. I'm talking about a sort of... statistical average of behavior. Sometimes we'll remember and make an effort and do keep in contact. Sometimes we'll remember to set a reminder that will work. Sometimes we'll carefully focus on it the whole time to remember. And sometimes it'll just occur to us when the time is right. If you tell them that it's important to you that they remember and ask them, in light of how they tend to get really caught up in the moment, if there is anything you can do to help them remember or if they can set a reminder. That might help work through the issue more. If it is important to you I'll try to remember, but I do need to be told that it's important.

I don't know... does that help at all?
sort of. I guess I compartmentalize things by relationship, family- friend-other. it doesn't sound like isfps do, it's more like this is important/interesting now so this has my attention. So it's important to ME to check in on those I've deemed important, outside of family (and maybe even then) doesn't seem isfps view it that way unless specifically told to?

given that then, sounds like if I don't make the effort this person will be perfectly content to just not reach out, unless I ask them to?

should I read anything into this person forgetting our meet up, even though we haven't seen each other/ communicated in months. is that the kind of thing you guys could put on the back burner and just forget?
 

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Is there anyone immune from this, like other than your significant other? I get that you guys are very in the moment so relationships seem to be very much out of sight out of mind. But if someone else doesnt initiate things does it just never occur to you guys to reach out? I kind of lump this together with the supposed ISFP flakiness, so building off this, how likely or realistic is it for an ISFP to forget plans just two days later? Like you get SOOO into things you forget what was said/setup just a couple days ago and miss it? Is that possible or am i being fed a bunch of bs by a friend of mine.

I know I'm quoting you, but really any ISFP input is appreciated.
Yo. I get what both of you are saying. I dunno how many other ISFP's are like me, but when someone says they really want to get together with me I try to figure out a day for that immediately and write it down because I don't want to be the person that forgot. So far I have rarely missed a meeting with anyone when I do this. I write everything on a calendar I keep in my closet which is in plain sight every time I'm in there. I have this habit of crossing off dates too, which also helps me remember upcoming stuff. I think my mom (INFJ) and sister (ISTJ) have influenced me in that way. They're super organized and usually on top of everything, making lists like there's no tomorrow. I don't like making lists or anything but I have to.

All that to say, I'm one of those ISFP's that will forget what you said 2 minutes ago because I was still thinking about what you said 1 minute ago, but if you tell me you want to hang out and show that you're serious, I don't forget what day we're hanging out. I make it a point to not miss it. I may be 10 minutes late.... but I'll be there. :p

Also - with regards to your latest post and last comment: If we're interested in someone as a friend or as an SO, we do reach out sometimes. Unless I'm weird in that way too... I have initiated many of my friendships. I just have to feel comfortable about doing that. Usually when that's happened, I've gotten to observe them in a group setting or read up on them or something first. I get intrigued and decide to make the effort to get to know them better.

But I mean... nobody wants to be the initiator 100% of the time, and especially not introverts. I'm guessing you probably prefer to be the observer at times too. So, if you're really interested in getting to know someone, why wait? You can't know for sure if they would be inclined to reach out first or not, so you have to decide if it's worth your taking initiative.
 

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should I read anything into this person forgetting our meet up, even though we haven't seen each other/ communicated in months. is that the kind of thing you guys could put on the back burner and just forget?
Why don't you just ask this person what they want? You'll never know why they didn't show unless you ask. I don't know if it's the INTJ influences in my life or not, but I for one appreciate bluntness/getting to the point when it comes to wanting answers.
 
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Also - with regards to your latest post and last comment: If we're interested in someone as a friend or as an SO, we do reach out sometimes. Unless I'm weird in that way too... I have initiated many of my friendships. I just have to feel comfortable about doing that. Usually when that's happened, I've gotten to observe them in a group setting or read up on them or something first. I get intrigued and decide to make the effort to get to know them better.

But I mean... nobody wants to be the initiator 100% of the time, and especially not introverts. I'm guessing you probably prefer to be the observer at times too. So, if you're really interested in getting to know someone, why wait? You can't know for sure if they would be inclined to reach out first or not, so you have to decide if it's worth your taking initiative.
Guess thats part of whats lead up to this, lately it seems I'm the only one initiating. The whole going MIA on texts of this thread caught my eye.

Why don't you just ask this person what they want? You'll never know why they didn't show unless you ask. I don't know if it's the INTJ influences in my life or not, but I for one appreciate bluntness/getting to the point when it comes to wanting answers.
Well, its not that I wasnt given a reason, they said they forgot, but the thought of forgetting something set just two days ago seems odd to me, but thats to me. I guess I'm just trying to see just how likely it is? Maybe just get a better understanding of how you guys handle these things? From what I'm gathering it seems totally possible.
 

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Guess thats part of whats lead up to this, lately it seems I'm the only one initiating. The whole going MIA on texts of this thread caught my eye.
I can't conclusively say why it is that the other person isn't initiating anything, but in my mind, never initiating anything, not even texting convos, is a sign of disinterest or at the least, not enough interest to spur on action.

Well, its not that I wasnt given a reason, they said they forgot, but the thought of forgetting something set just two days ago seems odd to me, but thats to me. I guess I'm just trying to see just how likely it is? Maybe just get a better understanding of how you guys handle these things? From what I'm gathering it seems totally possible.
Yeah, I hear ya. I personally don't like when people forget stuff they planned with me either (unless I don't like that person much haha) but I don't feel as bad when they forget as when I myself forget something about someone (it's usually forgetting something we talked about or their bday if I didn't already write it somewhere, etc. Not things we planned to do).

So, no initiation on their end, and they forgot to hang out with you. It just seems like this person doesn't care as much as you do. Or they're just terrible at remembering things. Any other pertinent details you'd care to add?

As a side note, I can corroborate what others have said about not texting people back. Sometimes I will not text my friend back for like a couple weeks, but it's because it seems like an on-going convo for me and I can easily pick up where I left off, or it just seemed like a good stopping point to whatever we were talking about. If they text to ask to do something or they need advice or something, I am much faster and more consistent at responding. Kinda like @Whatexists said, I have to know it's important to the other person. Otherwise I'm kinda going to assume we're both cool and are just doing our respective things.
 

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I think that it would be difficult to generalize. I think upbringing, life events, perspective, etc. play a part.

For instance, I'm an ISFP but I think that obligations, word-given, schedules, etc are important, but I have an ISFP friend who is the opposite to me. He really has a hard time like others have described. On the other hand, I do have a bad sense of time, and often forget things and worse, get caught up in what I'm doing, and miss things, or remember at the last moment.

I think, however, there are two extreme "causes" of our behavior along these lines. One is when we are actually doing well, and we lose track of time, and the other is when stressed out, either by an overbearing schedule, or overbearing people, or a sense of inability to control our circumstances. And our ability to react to these negative circumstances is individual and varies, both from person to person and circumstance to circumstance. Ie one can't generalize. :)
 

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I can't conclusively say why it is that the other person isn't initiating anything, but in my mind, never initiating anything, not even texting convos, is a sign of disinterest or at the least, not enough interest to spur on action.
Well yeah, it seems fairly straight forward, but then I see things like "oh yeah we go MIA, and you might have to initiate all contact" (which Ive seen mentioned elsewhere not just this thread) and all of a sudden I'm just left thinking is it a personality quirk, lol,whats going on here? I dont want to hold things against them that may just come down to differences of type. I know I'll never be as important to them as family or SO, but is this what friendship comes down to for this ISFP? I guess thats where I'm at, what I'm trying to decide.

As far as letting them know it's important to me so they know it's important, idk, I feel I shouldnt have to do that. Seems like a one-sided friendship.

I think that it would be difficult to generalize. I think upbringing, life events, perspective, etc. play a part.

For instance, I'm an ISFP but I think that obligations, word-given, schedules, etc are important, but I have an ISFP friend who is the opposite to me. He really has a hard time like others have described. On the other hand, I do have a bad sense of time, and often forget things and worse, get caught up in what I'm doing, and miss things, or remember at the last moment.

I think, however, there are two extreme "causes" of our behavior along these lines. One is when we are actually doing well, and we lose track of time, and the other is when stressed out, either by an overbearing schedule, or overbearing people, or a sense of inability to control our circumstances. And our ability to react to these negative circumstances is individual and varies, both from person to person and circumstance to circumstance. Ie one can't generalize. :)
Oh I know, I dont expect everyone to act this way, and I hope it hasnt come across this way. MBTI isnt perfect, but I do think it's a useful ballpark, and if anyone can help me make sense of things it's you guys and gals. All of your input is really appreciated, because honestly I came to MBTI a bit late in life til then I thought I was a bit of a strange duck, so I cant fully figure myself out, trying to figure out another type? Omg, forget about it. On a more specific note, your posts here Ferro have been awesome in my quest to figure this girl out, and I thank you immensely.
 

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thanks for the input, but I've come to the conclusion that this person is kinda just going through the motions and checking off the boxes on this "friendship", so I'm just going to check out of it myself. If they initiate, well see, if not then that's it.
 

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Guess thats part of whats lead up to this, lately it seems I'm the only one initiating. The whole going MIA on texts of this thread caught my eye.

Well, its not that I wasnt given a reason, they said they forgot, but the thought of forgetting something set just two days ago seems odd to me, but thats to me. I guess I'm just trying to see just how likely it is? Maybe just get a better understanding of how you guys handle these things? From what I'm gathering it seems totally possible.
Personally, I find that I remember things much better if they are concrete and specific, like let's see movie x this Thursday and go out for drinks afterwards. If it's something like "text me or give me a call sometime" or "we should really get together" then I have a tendency to not remember or just not get around to it.

I find that tools like Google Calendar or setting an alarms on my iPhone are great. I really remember things much better that way. But even given that, I might be 5 or 10 minutes late, so it's good to set a relaxed schedule when any ISFP is involved. Don't read too much into it; it doesn't mean we don't care and there's no hidden meaning. :)

I do find I've gotten a lot better at schedules and punctuality over the years. It does seem really important to a lot of people and I don't like setting people I like off for no reason!
 

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Personally, I find that I remember things much better if they are concrete and specific, like let's see movie x this Thursday and go out for drinks afterwards. If it's something like "text me or give me a call sometime" or "we should really get together" then I have a tendency to not remember or just not get around to it.
Day was concrete and the time is kind of automatic, its sort of a given. I couldnt make it more concrete other than to ask them what they were going to order, lol.

I find that tools like Google Calendar or setting an alarms on my iPhone are great. I really remember things much better that way. But even given that, I might be 5 or 10 minutes late, so it's good to set a relaxed schedule when any ISFP is involved. Don't read too much into it; it doesn't mean we don't care and there's no hidden meaning. :)
We did eventually meet and she brought along another friend, or rather a friend of hers, and while he's a nice guy I've explained to my ISFP before that new people make me ackward and uncomfortable and was told it wouldnt happen again. Sooo, yeah, plus it felt like a total third wheel situation which granted my social ackwardness made it difficult for me, but I just felt like she agreed to it just to be able to say "I saw so and so, friendship duties fulfilled". I dont even know if she noticed I wasnt acting like my normal self. So I'm leaving the next step up to them, I feel like Ive been carrying the burden of keeping this thing alive for quite a while, (history behind most of this is here personalitycafe.com/isfp-forum-artists/481290-schedule-resistant-isfps-am-i-going-lose-my-best-friend-2.html#post21211674) and I'm tired of seemingly being the only one that cares. I've given them an overabundance of benefit of the doubt and I'm just not into it anymore. All its done is keep me from accepting that its over. You guys really do make great friends (well generally speaking), thats probably why I was hanging on so long.
 
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