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It really is an art lol.
I am not sure what you want but if it's just sex, what I'm learning is that guys (mostly ESXX) are rather simple...'act' confident and tell them what you want. Don't worry too much about rejection, etc. I'm experimenting with this assertive behavior now and it works...very well. The only reason I'm doing this is because I'm not in my usual feely state so I know I won't become attached.

um...dating...uh cant help much there be/c im still trying to figure it out. but most recently, i ran into a guy that i have a huge crush on at a party on friday and instead of being my usual self (running away and hiding), I went up to him, smiled a lot, and we ended up talking alone for awhile after the party (for people that i actually want to be in a relationship with, I dont initiate intimacy right away). So once again, le confidence. I have no confidence whatsoever lol, but I can put on an act. Try it.

lalalala ummm yea, I think that's about it. ALSO, when you go out, wear something that makes you feel beautiful :) your favorite dress, makeup, etc. It really does help boost confidence.
 

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Maybe try going up to somebody who interests you and compliment them on something relevant (necklace, shoes, book, name), and then try conversing about said 'something' or other relevant thing.

And if you do you will literally be better at "picking up" people than 70% of shy INFP's (like myself :unsure:).
 

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It really is an art lol.
I am not sure what you want but if it's just sex, what I'm learning is that guys (mostly ESXX) are rather simple...'act' confident and tell them what you want. Don't worry too much about rejection, etc. I'm experimenting with this assertive behavior now and it works...very well. The only reason I'm doing this is because I'm not in my usual feely state so I know I won't become attached.

um...dating...uh cant help much there be/c im still trying to figure it out. but most recently, i ran into a guy that i have a huge crush on at a party on friday and instead of being my usual self (running away and hiding), I went up to him, smiled a lot, and we ended up talking alone for awhile after the party (for people that i actually want to be in a relationship with, I dont initiate intimacy right away). So once again, le confidence. I have no confidence whatsoever lol, but I can put on an act. Try it.

lalalala ummm yea, I think that's about it. ALSO, when you go out, wear something that makes you feel beautiful :) your favorite dress, makeup, etc. It really does help boost confidence.
Im new here but I was struck by your avatar before...(if its you) you're attractive; I'm not. I really hate it when pretty girls say that it's so easy to pick up/talk to guys because they don't even realize that guys are only falling at their laps because they're pretty. I wish I could walk into a bar, go to a guy and say "fuck meeeee" without them saying "ew, no thank you!" (this has never happened but i imagine it would).

you don't go through the troubles that I do; therefore, I can't even take your advice. Thanks but your dating life will never be as hard as mine. You seem confident and bubbly. I'm also not that either lol.


Maybe try going up to somebody who interests you and compliment them on something relevant (necklace, shoes, book, name), and then try conversing about said 'something' or other relevant thing.

And if you do you will literally be better at "picking up" people than 70% of shy INFP's (like myself :unsure:).
Thanks, it's good to know others go through the same thing lol
 

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you don't go through the troubles that I do; therefore, I can't even take your advice. Thanks but your dating life will never be as hard as mine. You seem confident and bubbly. I'm also not that either lol.
That is not true, the biggest thing that determines attraction in 90% of all people is self-confidence. I have seen women unhealthily obese flaunting what they've got after years of low-self esteem, so even you can become a more confident person. First step might making yourself look better, which unlike grease promotes does not equate with dressing slutty, but can involve wearing a tasteful T-Shirt, blouse and skirt. Changing how you looks is not necessarily trying on a mask, but creatively expressing who you are to tothers (which many unhealthy people in genral forget). Once you change how you look on the outside, then start changing how you look on the inside by attempting to find your good points (INFP descriptions help me when I'm down) and accepting your bad points. Once you can believe in yourself, and try 'acting' more confident by smiling more or standing taller (I read somewhere that it is acting that affects your thinking, not the other way around). Once you can believe in yourself others will notice you and think, "hmm, she seems like a nice person," (and anybody who thinks otherwise is not worth your time).

I guess what I'm trying to say is, that you may believe that you are unattractive (in both senses of the word) but that is only true as long as you say it is. You can become confident but only if you want to (after all, I would bet at least 80% of people who have confidence had low-self esteem at one poin in your life); it will not be an immediate process, but as long as you make realistic (key word) steps it will come eventually.
 

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you don't go through the troubles that I do; therefore, I can't even take your advice. Thanks but your dating life will never be as hard as mine. You seem confident and bubbly. I'm also not that either lol.
ouchh :/ Well, I disagree. Being an introvert and shy is quite hard...no matter what you look like. From observing things, I have found that a person's personality matters much more (in terms of dating and getting attention). I am beginning to realize that I am attractive but i am not confident at all...I'm naturally shy, reserved, soft-spoken and throughout high school, yea i did have guys interested in me, but they never approached me...there's one thing to be looked at and then another thing to be approached.

i used to have your same behavior...and it was interpreted as non-approachable/stuck up....like them:


not being approached be/c a guy thinks you're too pretty/stuck up is not any good either! i don't want to sound conceited but a lot of girls who aren't as "good-lookin" as I am (ewww sorry if that sounds ridiculous but im just being honest) do better on the dating scene be/c of their personality...so llike i said before 'act' confident. try to be approachable. You dont have to drastically change your personality but smile a little, make eye contact, and say 'hi'. simple things...but i just recently learned to do that and it has definitely changed people's view of me. I can get quite outgoing at gatherings now. Try the same thing. Be happy with yourself.
 

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@robespierre

Honestly i didn't read much of any of this thread but I saw a snippet in my glances and I strongly agree with being happy with yourself.When you love yourself and allow yourself to make mistakes and not make a big deal of it understand that you don't need to be picture perfect and such. You feel so much more comfortable around people and that confidence just makes people love being around you. Because you're a strong person for not being as insecure as others to let things bother you much you're open to appreciating life and accepting it's bad parts too.
 

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Walk with your arms un-crossed and smile. I guess I'm telling you to not be shy, but no! I'm telling you to not act shy! More experiences and more practice, give it a couple years, it'll be easier. I get hit on all the time for a couple reasons I've figured

Adverseaffects's horrible how to get guys to approach you tips

1) the way I wear my hair, the way I dress, makes me stick out in a crowd
2) I am receptively polite and friendly
3) I don't wear too much make up or try TOO hard so I don't look intimidating or "fake" I suppose-- I look "real", and I think that makes it easy for guys to talk to me
4) I'm happy. Whenever I'm in love or happy other guys hit on me cause I am walking around thinking of the other guy and all smiley and they see this girl smiling and they feel she is receptive and nice! You catch glances and I am smiling and they go, "Ohp, I got a hit!" It will be the same for you. Body language is everything.
5) Sit with your back straight
6) Watch your emotions on your face-- tense, angry, unhappy? Nope, that's scary
and this is odd
7) guys always hit on me when I'm studying somewhere public. maybe it's cause that just gives them something to talk about? no clue. in any case.... maybe it makes me look studious.

That said, I advise you not to be nice to peopel you are not interested in, they are hard to get rid of.


It really is the only thing you can do, the most important thing to do, is not make it impossible for the guy. Give him openings. Before I was so defensive and scared of guys that, while wanting a relationship, at the same time I actually didn't even want them to talk to me... and they picked up on that.

summed up:

like yourself and feel happy to be wherever you are
appreciate guys do not come up to girls because they are "deserving", but because they thought they might have a chance
 

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That is not true, the biggest thing that determines attraction in 90% of all people is self-confidence. I have seen women unhealthily obese flaunting what they've got after years of low-self esteem, so even you can become a more confident person. First step might making yourself look better, which unlike grease promotes does not equate with dressing slutty, but can involve wearing a tasteful T-Shirt, blouse and skirt. Changing how you looks is not necessarily trying on a mask, but creatively expressing who you are to tothers (which many unhealthy people in genral forget). Once you change how you look on the outside, then start changing how you look on the inside by attempting to find your good points (INFP descriptions help me when I'm down) and accepting your bad points. Once you can believe in yourself, and try 'acting' more confident by smiling more or standing taller (I read somewhere that it is acting that affects your thinking, not the other way around). Once you can believe in yourself others will notice you and think, "hmm, she seems like a nice person," (and anybody who thinks otherwise is not worth your time).

I guess what I'm trying to say is, that you may believe that you are unattractive (in both senses of the word) but that is only true as long as you say it is. You can become confident but only if you want to (after all, I would bet at least 80% of people who have confidence had low-self esteem at one poin in your life); it will not be an immediate process, but as long as you make realistic (key word) steps it will come eventually.
I find overly confident people to be repulsive. I'd much rather talk with a normal or low self-esteem person. They are more interesting to me. The thin veneer of false confidence is rather transparent and a huge turn-off for me.
 

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Thanks. I wasn't trying to sound self-loathing when I made the comment about pretty people giving dating advice... I guess it's nice to see the world through others eyes at times. thanks for that @robespierre

i am going to try to be more confident...im shy and awkward but i guess im just going to have to accept who i am and take full advantage of it.

and thats an interesting point. are guys turned off by shyness or do they like the vulnerability?

@adverseaffects hehehe thanks!
 

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Well, we are awesome, so there's no reason we shouldn't be GENUINELY confident. Arrogance is.the huge turn-off witn me, not real confidence; they are not one and the same thing. I love healing those with low self-esteem, because I want them to eventually be super confident as well as love themselves, for thet are worth their own self-acceptance. Therefore I am not turned off by true confidence, because there's no reason we should feel less than superb (we are.)
 

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I find overly confident people to be repulsive. I'd much rather talk with a normal or low self-esteem person. They are more interesting to me. The thin veneer of false confidence is rather transparent and a huge turn-off for me.
I agree with you that arrogance is repulsive, I am not asking her to do such a thing, but rather guide her on the way to real healthy confidence. First I feel that I must explain the difference between over-confidence (arrogance) and normal confidence is that when you are over-confident you are trying to hide your low self-esteem by appearing the opposite; meanwhile regular healthy confidence means that you accept yourself and your venurabilities and thus don't care too much (key word) about revealing them. So I can easily see where my idea of "fake it 'til you make it" seems to promote arrogance, but in reality the intent is not to fool others with this approach but really yourself. If you smile while in a dark mood the brain will think, "why am I smiling if I am am unhappy? If I am smiling I must be happy," thus the brain will 'fix' you by making you feeling lighter. The same will happen if you are not confident, your mind will fix your lack of self-confidence by making you feel more confident if you act that way (or it could be a self-image thing, where if you see yourself as confident in the streets then you will literally see yourself as confident). The intent of arrogant men is to hide their shameful secret of low-self esteem, and thus are always conscious of it; while faking confidence is trying to make you uncomsciously forget it until you make it real.

Well, we are awesome, so there's no reason we shouldn't be GENUINELY confident. Arrogance is.the huge turn-off witn me, not real confidence; they are not one and the same thing. I love healing those with low self-esteem, because I want them to eventually be super confident as well as love themselves, for thet are worth their own self-acceptance. Therefore I am not turned off by true confidence, because there's no reason we should feel less than superb (we are.)
Exactly my point, any woman likes a confident man, any man likes a confident women. We intuitive types gain an advantage of being able to see past the facade of arrogance, thus we are less suspect to the overhyped 'bad guy/girl'. This usually leads us to the people who are honest enough to show it, and in our humanitarian hearts do what our lovely Icarus promotes (but only if we can gain the ability to crawl out of our pits first...).
 

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I don't think you should do thing extremely out of character. Say it even gets you the guy, once he sees that you weren't acting like your real self and pretending to be someone you're not, he's going to be disappointed, especially if you portray yourself as extremely confident, which you're not.

Personally, my flirting method consists of acting cute. Yep, you heard right. It's not actually a tactic, more like a natural role I slip to whenever someone catches my eye. I tease, I poke around - even though I'm not really confident, not at all. It doesn't work all the time though, depends on my mood and the person.

I think you shouldn't approach someone by thinking 'Okay I have to impress him, I have to be cool and sexy' because it's a lot of pressure on you. Instead, think of it as someone you're getting to know. Trick yourself into thinking this isn't a big deal, and he's just someone interesting you want to know more about. That's what worked for me.

It's all about the way you evaluate the situation and perceive it. If you make it out to be a bigger deal than it is, of course you're going to feel nervous. Instead, try downplaying it. It also helps to realize that rejection is a part of life. It's not a big deal, it's just how things go. It might take you some time to realize it, but just because a guy doesn't like you doesn't mean that something is wrong with you. Once you realize that, sure rejection might sting a little if you really like the guy, but you'll learn to chalk it up to a life experience. The way I think of it, I'd rather make my move and get rejected, than always wonder and ask myself 'what if?'. That kills me, not knowing what could've been.
 

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I think another good way of finding guys who will like you for who you are is actively pursuing your interests. Let's say you love music. Then try to make some! Record something, write something, play in front of people, ask people to play with you, go to the record stores and strike up conversations with people there (harder to do, yes), go to local concerts and watch other people perform and talk to them after the show, etc. When you find your niche, there will be other people there in the same niche. You will have a common ground. You will have something to talk about. And if you love something, chances are, you will have a lot to say about it.

In my experience, music has brought me almost all of the friends and boyfriends I've ever had. That was our common denominator. It brought us together. Maybe you have a similar passion where you can meet people who are equally passionate. It's not necessarily about changing your style or amping yourself up to look awesome, but maybe about zoning in on what you really enjoy and are interested in and then actively seeking it out. ("if you build it, he will come" that kinda thing) Most likely, there will be people there who are in the same boat as you. Just waiting to find that one person who connects with them on what they are interested in.

Good luck.
 

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I agree with you that arrogance is repulsive, I am not asking her to do such a thing, but rather guide her on the way to real healthy confidence. First I feel that I must explain the difference between over-confidence (arrogance) and normal confidence is that when you are over-confident you are trying to hide your low self-esteem by appearing the opposite; meanwhile regular healthy confidence means that you accept yourself and your venurabilities and thus don't care too much (key word) about revealing them. So I can easily see where my idea of "fake it 'til you make it" seems to promote arrogance, but in reality the intent is not to fool others with this approach but really yourself. If you smile while in a dark mood the brain will think, "why am I smiling if I am am unhappy? If I am smiling I must be happy," thus the brain will 'fix' you by making you feeling lighter. The same will happen if you are not confident, your mind will fix your lack of self-confidence by making you feel more confident if you act that way (or it could be a self-image thing, where if you see yourself as confident in the streets then you will literally see yourself as confident). The intent of arrogant men is to hide their shameful secret of low-self esteem, and thus are always conscious of it; while faking confidence is trying to make you uncomsciously forget it until you make it real.
I agree with this 100%.


Thanks for the response everyone! I hope to get some sex out of this as well. I usually hate casual sex but I am getting so desperate and it's all I am beginning to think about. It's reaching a point where I don't even care if I give my virginity to a random guy.
 

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I agree with this 100%.


Thanks for the response everyone! I hope to get some sex out of this as well. I usually hate casual sex but I am getting so desperate and it's all I am beginning to think about. It's reaching a point where I don't even care if I give my virginity to a random guy.
Remember, no glove no love! Don't do it with some random guy unless you know him enough to believe him when he says he's clean!! Other than that, go be free!
 

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Thanks for the response everyone! I hope to get some sex out of this as well. I usually hate casual sex but I am getting so desperate and it's all I am beginning to think about. It's reaching a point where I don't even care if I give my virginity to a random guy.
Do you place any value on your virginity?
 
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