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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Heads up for everyone finding their way into here, it may be quite a read and may be more you're willing to dig through, though I'll naturally try to keep it brief.

Recently it came to my attention that I've been that bitter old man for a very long time already. As far as my personality type goes, I consider myself an ISTP, while according to tests I rank ISTP/J respectively dependent on my mood, so my Judging and Perception are on a fairly equal ground. Given the individual descriptions of personality types however I can say that the core of my personality definitely belongs to the ISTP rather than the ISTJ.

So then, years after realizing I'm bitter, unsupportive, not necessarily friendly and a social retard I decided to get back to some old school colleagues I remembered. They were twins. The reason I remembered them was due to their personality, as they were attracting me quite a lot while being the total opposite of what I am. Outgoing, socializing, warm. So after 5 years of not having seen each other or talked for that matter I just approached them as if it was yesterday we last met, simply because I can do that without feeling anywhere awkward. I had them both take a personality test and the results were ENFJ/P while the other ranked ENFP more clearly.

The reason for the test was to figure out what makes them tick. The happy go lucky attitude that makes people wake up in the morning with a smile rather than wishing to die already to not live through another repetitive day. Long story short, the conclusion I came to, trying to get into a more supportive, happier person, it's impossible. Now, I'm by now means depressive or depressed, nor a pessimist despite what people claim but a mere realist. Given that and my conclusion I just sucked it up and lived with it. However, there isn't really a whole lot around me I find intellectually acceptable, so I rather not talk to anyone about anything that is related to depth in any way but argue things out with myself in my head, especially since I know I'll make proper pro and cons that are convincing.

I'm rather anti social and I don't fit well with my 'friends' nor my family as out minds operate on levels who apparently are worlds apart and it irks me to explains myself too much as I expect people to follow logic, probably a mistake of mine.

Since there are plenty of ISTx's it appears to be best place to ask for advice or whether or not any struggle is futile to begin with. There was this one eye opening moment I recently as well, chatting with a friend of mine I known for almost a decade (Internet friendship). I shall quote;

[16:14] Erbse: In fact, I think way too much about nearly anything, taking it to philosophic levels - it's kind of a nuisance. Factually I analyze anything and try to see the clockwork it is. Almost everything is a clockwork.
[16:15] Erbse: Once I figured it out for myself that doesn't mean I'd go out of my way to exploit it to anyones benefit though, not my own, not anyone elses, but simply have the awareness as such is what I seek unconsciously.
[16:17] Friend: This seems like a lot of personal information to sharing with a stranger on the internet, no?
Ironically I couldn't say it wasn't personal, I guess? However, being as sober and factual about everything, including myself, I don't quite see it as such while it's not incorrect either. Was a funny moment.

Bottom line appears to be that my logic and perception of reality (a bleak one) prevents me from being annoyingly happy. In fact, I can't even describe happiness with words for me. No definition. Internally I've spent a lot of time investigating myself to depths not many may have, conclusions as weird they may strike you were the following: I am mellow. Always. If you poke me my mellowness will shift to rage and eventually verbally roll you (if I let myself that is), and else there isn't anything much. What I've learned for myself is that rage, hate as well as enthusiasm and happiness are a state of mind, both equally clouding proper judgment and decision making when it needs to be made, which is the reason I suppress them off the bat to the best of my abilities, because what ISTx would like to set himself up for being irrational? God forbid I ever witness that day. :mellow:

I do go out occasionally, a lot less the average person in our society does, though. I'm no one to talk a whole lot but simply be there, observing, analyzing, thinking. Even when drunk. I'm anti social to the point that I've only had 1 relationship in my life up to this point, ironically enough with an INFJ to top it off. It didn't work out for me and I just couldn't take it anymore - ever since I see myself as a woman's naturally enemy :tongue: I'm not really lonely though but occasionally have phases where it irks me to be social but I cannot as my social surrounding is practically non existent. I suck horribly at making conversation and small talk just isn't possible to save my life. Shallowness isn't something I can get into either.

So yes, I'm the bitter, grumpy old man. Ironically I seem to get along fine with people 10 to 20 years older than I (both genders) but I appear to be struggling to accomplish anything with people my age. Last year I actually started a Blog, in which I just gushed out random thoughts. To further lay out my case you may want to read some older posts of mine, but if you do, take them with a grain of salt because typically I end up, every year, wanting to travel back in time to slap myself for being an idiot. The posts give a good impression of how bleak I see my surrounding and the world I live in but leave the psychology types and development out of the picture, as I didn't wander about that field of interest on mine at that time.

So what is this all about? I figure it may be just an individual case rather than a problem of a whole personality group, still I wonder if there's any people here that have the same situation or simply changed who they were. Personally though, as much I'd love at times to not be me but become that social kinda guy I would hardly like losing who I am right now, as I don't care as how grumpy or cold I may come off as. I am awesome, and that is a factual observation, not an opinion :laughing:

As a last note I remember my pastor laying it out to me clearly when I was still young, I never forget the words he said, though I haven't given it much thought until years later. He said that it wasn't that people wouldn't like me, let alone be unappreciative of me but that I always exclude myself and shut myself off further and further.

Very bottom line probably is, I'm mellow to the point that I have no incentive nor motivation to do anything. Bored with life and possible to commit suicide the day the Internet dies preventing me from talking to groups and people I consider worth my time. (factually we all know ISTx's would go insane rather than ever commit suicide :mellow:)

Oh well that's it. Input be greatly appreciated, if anything is unclear you may ask and I'll try to clarify to the best of my abilities.

EDIT: Due to low post count I can't link the Blog, so I'll edit it in eventually. I'm sure however that even without it my situation was laid out rather apparent.
 

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When you say you're endlessly skeptical, that sounds INTPish to me. Have you thought about that? They also have introverted sensing which would explain why you might see yourself as an ISTJ (you might consider reading about the cognitive functions if you haven't done that yet).

When I am alone for a long time, my thoughts do start to get rampant and I actually do start to go a little crazy. That's when I need to achieve something in the real life and just stop thinking (aka do something stupid like jump off the roof of a random neighbor's house into their pool... I haven't reached that level of coocked-up-ness yet). I get depressed when I'm not learning anything new or making progress with my life. INTP's get depressed when they too cannot make progress in their thoughts and learn something new.

With the IXTP's, it basically goes like this:
-Achieving something new gives us energy
-we use that energy to go meet bitches and generally not hate ourselves and be social.

ps: I'm an ISTP... the ESFJ joke is officially old now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I have done various personality tests (most Myer-Bbriggs, one socializ something thing) and they all end with the same result. IST usually greatly outweigh their counterparts. Introverted easily cracks the 75% mark, Thinking goes up to the 80-90%'s while Sensing still usually is in the mid 60%'s over Intuition. The only variable remains the J/P as they most of the time rank close to the 50% mark, so dependent on moot or which imaginary scenario I take to answer a question this is the letter that changes. Sometimes I choose rules over mercy and sometimes vice versa - while in reality I'd have to judge individually based on information I have.

I did change my life about 5 months back by starting going to the gym, not a change I regret at all. Ever since I've certainly been feeling more energized and it's my way to physically exhaust myself to my liking, which I make full use of.

My decision making is entirely based on experience and probability, I'm quite good at basic math so everything for me is an equation that tells me how high the chances of success are, while considering the amount of effort that needs to be spend. I'm the person, if doing anything, that seeks to perfectionize the progress in terms of efficiency. The best possible product with the least amount of effort while my personal quality standards need to be fulfilled in the progress. Within there my perfectionism lies, I'm however not interested in perfectionizing progresses which remain unefficient.

This is a behavior I've adapted ever since I hit puberty, I've never had the best marks (well, in some classes I did) but I always been seeking the perfect average, rather than the perfect extreme.
 

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ISTJ's can feel helpless or useless if they don't have something to align their lives towards. Its why they're great in the military.

What makes you energized? What gets you pumped up and excited?

Here's the thing. The personality tests are written by flawed human beings, taken by flawed human beings who know nothing about themselves other than what they'd "like" to believe. Its why I always showed INTJ, INTP, and ENTP when I really can't.

My advice to you, read the descriptions, and whichever one makes you say, "wouldn't that be awesome if I was that personality?" and actually consider it.
 

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I honestly don't see anything to indicate NT - but the entire feel is ST. Also, the endless skepticism sounds like enneagram 6 - istp and istj are commonly 6.
 

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I will be a cranky old woman someday, but I will have a margarita machine instead of 50 cats.

My thought processes are similar to yours but i never expend the energy to explain them to anyone. I also am perfectly at ease being a single person, and I can't see any benefit to having a guy in my hair all the time. ( I made this too obvious to the last guy, because I can't pretend, hence I am single again. lol)

I do not socialize unless it's my own choosing, and it's always with ONE person at a time. I am not a party animal, except for the booze. And cake.

In short -- so what? We're fine how we are, it doesn't matter if anyone else "gets" us or not. We're all gonna die anyway.

Oh wait -- was that too depressing? :tongue:
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Within the advice lies the problem though, I am who and/or what I am, not who I wished to be. That's the universal truth for me and none I find appealing to go up against. It would certainly be great if I was able to mix letters to my liking and copy personality types, then exactly it's just that, copying it, momentarily overriding who I really am.

As I defined myself in the quote, I take problems to philosophical levels and also analyze clockworks. For me persons are just that, clockworks (much like social interactions is a clockwork). The vast average is easy to judge quite accurately while there's always the surprising expectations (which I find highly intriguing). Once I defined the clockwork I can learn to exploit it by working against who/what I am by nature and overshadow my personalities flaws (such as being an asshole :tongue:) but I rather go with who I am and take pride in it.

I don't really get excited anymore, at least I cannot recall the last time I did. I get restless when deadlines are to come up as I'm always early if there's an appointment, god forbid I'd be late. What excites me the most I guess is to analyze things that are of interest to me and share the views and opinion I've come to with others and see what they think, as long as they're rational thinkers anyway.

Military isn't my thing, as I'm anti authority but rather keep everyone equal. I know, living in a fairy tail world. I've a tendency to think of everyone as an idiot until proven otherwise, which most certainly makes me a prick or arrogant to a degree. I'm aware of that and truthfully consider myself humble rather than arrogant or demanding in any way.

I do see pro and cons in things immediately but discard the pros as the state of pros should be norm to begin with (for me), and focus on analyzing the cons, pointing them out and theorycraft to where they made lead one to. For me the norm is everything that is good, but the norm is just that, the norm. It's not outstanding or extraordinary, while the cons are or easily can be in comparison. I don't feel hopeless or useless, but factually my existence is obsolete - for that I just take myself as moot - life doesn't have a greater purpose than simply having living through it, I figure. For whatever that means by definition.
 

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He used the slash mark... definitely ISTP!

But seriously, I would pay very special attention to what gets you excited and obviously pursue that. If solving things and solving thoughts makes you feel better, then keep doing it. You could be "stuck in a rut" as many ISTP's are. I think this is solved by going to the bookstore and looking through at all the different magazines until something catches your eye. We're awful at pursuing something we can't see with our eyes either in the present or the past. Pictures of people mountain biking, pictures of people building robots, pictures of wierd or exotic houses people built in obscure locations... at least that usually helps me solve my problems and I can find a new project to dedicate my time toward. Perhaps you're the same way?

Otherwise I'd look into clinical depression as the victims often don't even realize they are depressed.
 

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I realize you say you aren't depressed but you sound depressed to me. Especially with the talk of life having no purpose. I mean, listen you're gonna drive yourself nuts with answering those kinds of questions. Since when is philosophizing or analyzing everything healthy anyway? Those questions have no answers and you can only analyze so far before you go down a rabbit hole of pointlessness.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 · (Edited)
I realize you say you aren't depressed but you sound depressed to me. Especially with the talk of life having no purpose. I mean, listen you're gonna drive yourself nuts with answering those kinds of questions. Since when is philosophizing or analyzing everything healthy anyway? Those questions have no answers and you can only analyze so far before you go down a rabbit hole of pointlessness.
As far as I'm concerned I just state it as I see it, it being a fact or more precisely a logical conclusion. I don't see myself changing the world and being one out of 6 billion I'm certain there's plenty of people who are worlds smarter I'll ever be. Most certainly if I don't do it, whatever 'it' may be, I'm certain there'll be a replacement that can do it just as good if not better.

Maybe I'm truthfully depressed, all I see in myself however is a lack of enthusiasm concerning things. I don't feel tired 24/7, I don't sleep 14 hours a day and attend University and keep up with my obligations just fine. I eat plenty and well and work out regularly. For all I know, all persons being depressed tend to get some pills which put them to sleep, which I consider hardly a solution for ones problems. I do realize that if my life had a color it'd be grey in grey, not black and definitely not colorful.

Perhaps you are correct however, with saying I should give my brain some idling time once in a while. In fact I met a wall pondering all these things a while ago, which is also the reason I brought it up here initially. May been a wall that's been overcome by some individuals.
 

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Forgive me for not reading every word and digesting it all, but the gist (I think) is that you're having a bit of an identity crisis? Am I on the right track?

I dunno... you may be depressed, or you may just be hitting the wall that most human beings hit at some point in their lives. I know I've recently been confronted with a whole assload of things I've had to deal with, that have forced me to take a real hard look at myself and where I've been, where I'm heading, whether or not I'm living up to my own expectations, etc. It's been a rough ride, no doubt. And I've had some depressive tendencies in this period, definitely isolating myself and getting caught up in my own thoughts and self exploration. If I stay stuck there, it'll get unhealthy.

Like DJ said, a lot of folks don't know that they're depressed. One can "function" perfectly fine while still suffering a chemical imbalance, or a mental break. Not all depressed people turn down the shades and lie in bed 24/7 with buckets of lard and ice cream; there are real contributing, functioning members of society suffering from unmedicated depression. It's worth looking into, anyhow, as a possible source for your frustrations.

Otherwise, you might just consider taking a lot of DJ's advice - looking at the things that do still excite you, and pursuing them in some way. Even if you can't actively pursue them, perhaps just reading about exciting things will help move your mind out of the self-analysis place and into something a bit more external and healthier.

If I'm way off the mark, I'm sorry. I did try reading your entire original post, and I kept having to re-read it; I'm in a short attention span place today.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Less an identity crisis really, as I'm self confident and quite self aware but far from enthusiastic or a state of happiness. I remember when I was a kid I'd run home from school to play whatever games, not anymore though. As time progressed I either grew tired or moot to things around me, no longer having any source of excitement to resort to. I don't ponder what the reason of life is, but simply accept that there isn't one. It doesn't suck me into an abyss of self pity by any means, but it's just how it is.

These days I waste my time playing MMORPG's, as I consider that the most valuable thing I can put my time into. Just mindlessly grind away. I'm quite aware of how much of a waste of time that truly is, but still. I'm not a reader, nor do I have much creativity and/or imagination, which is why I'm not a big fan of books at all either (plus I've a hard time simply letting go of everything and focus on something as trivial as printed papers). I however do enjoy reading blogs, articles and forums, obviously :tongue: I don't watch any TV at all as is and the only shows being remotely delightful would be House M.D, The Big Bang Theory and The Office.

Though I still consider it as me being moot and simply completely detached from everything to maintain my moot being. I'm master of trivializing and relativizing so it's easy for me to not get thrown off balance by anything, may it be a good thing or bad. Personally I drew the conclusion that you're happier in life if you're oblivious rather than aware, once you're aware however it seems to be impossible to go back to being oblivious. Perhaps I just really rationalized everything 'good' out of my life unconsciously. Some say it's the small things that matter, I however always worry about the big to very big picture and find hardly any appreciation in the little things.

Don't worry, I'm quite linguistic, so I tend to phrase stuff unnecessarily fancy majority of the time.

Also, Signature now includes the latest result I got and overall the one that I think comes closest to my real personality, despite some fluctuations caused by different mindsets on different days.
 

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^you sound a lot like me, actually. I don't get into anything to speak of - my life pretty much consists of The Things I Have To Do Every Day, plus reading some crap online and occasional writing.

I used to read a lot, I used to paint, I used to shoot (photos) in my spare time instead of only when I'm being paid, I used to be more interested in the outside world... but lately, I've been pretty dull.

I figure I'm in a low phase right now.

you're happier in life if you're oblivious rather than aware, once you're aware however it seems to be impossible to go back to being oblivious.
profound, and rather bleak. but I can't help but appreciate that sentiment.
 

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As a last note I remember my pastor laying it out to me clearly when I was still young, I never forget the words he said, though I haven't given it much thought until years later. He said that it wasn't that people wouldn't like me, let alone be unappreciative of me but that I always exclude myself and shut myself off further and further.
That has been me all my life. I relate to everything you said. Sometimes we experience things in life that don't seem to have any relevance until many years later.

We need to allow ourselves to be open in order to realize our own personal significance in the universe, to experience a sense of belonging. We are energetic beings. If some of our energy is blocked then we have difficulty navigating and relating to the rest of the world.

Open yourself up. Let go of all your inhibitions and experience life. It's all in our minds. Don't think too much, you'll forget how to feel.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Open yourself up. Let go of all your inhibitions and experience life. It's all in our minds. Don't think too much, you'll forget how to feel.
In theory that sounds easy, and nothing I wouldn't have thought of already, practically it appears to be a lot harder - I can't really let completely loose, I'm not uptight, though. Last but not least because it goes so strong against what I usually am, that it feels like I'd give up who I am in the process.

Still, it's something I intend to tackle again some day in life, not before things have settled for a more appropriate environment though.
 

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I know exactly how you feel. I've been diagnosed with depression from two different doctors because of my views.
I still don't feel like I'm depressed. It simply feels like I'm just stating what I see. But these days there is a diagnosis for anything. If it's not depression it's mania.
 
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