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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So lately I've been working on being a little more.....emotionally available....in my marriage, and so i've been writing emails to my husband to talk about "feelings" since i'm uncomfortable and inept at discussing them face to face.

Sometimes I will pour my heart out and click send, then go back to read it, and I'll be like..."wtf?? I thought I just totally expounded the depths of my emotional existence here, and I sound like I"m talking about a washing machine!"

I feel almost lacking somehow. It's not that the emotional depth isn't there, but the minute I start talking, it's all cold logic, rationality, and abrupt to-the-point speech.

Sometimes I'll write a 3 paragraph email and realize I didn't use the word "love" once. Even though I was talking the entire time about what I love and appreciate about him.

I sound like I'm writing to the dry cleaner telling them I appreciate the way they pressed my slacks.

If you are a non-ISTP who is in a relationship with an ISTP, please understand that our those weird, choppy, abrupt little notes you get are really heartfelt. what your ISTP is actually saying is "i love you very much with everything i have" even though what they actually said was "dude sorry i forgot to say hi when i walked in the door. i'll to remember that shit. you know i'd say hi right away if you weren't wearing pants"
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Out of curiosity, why does it take 3 paragraphs just to say 3 words?
i went into a logical exposition about how i felt, rather than just saying it.
 

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Your husband probably already knows what you're trying to say... it's just heavily translated through your logic filter and a lot of the direct impact is lost during transmission. Have you already tried communicating your love non-verbally via hand-holding, cuddling, hugs, meaningful glances, things like that?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·

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Fix'd.

10char
I was about to say something along those lines. Wouldn't engaging Se, becoming more aware and become one with your immediate environment help? Picking up on small cues from your partner and responding to them appropriately seems as good a substitute for dominant or auxiliary Fe as any.

ISTP Personal Growth
 

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i'm glad your recognizing this in yourself because i don't think a lot of ISTP's really understand how cold they can come off if they don't work on their feelings. for instance, an ISTP i know at work was giving me a ride home and every time i would joke with him he kept saying, "well if you don't like it get out of my car and walk home" his voice has no emotion whatsoever. in my head, i had no idea whether he wanted me to literally walk home or he was joking but it was really uncomfortable.. and i hate to sound so Fi about this, but it made me sad too! the way i understand people has a lot to do with emotions, and if i hear somebody with a very serious tone in their voice, i'm under the impression that the statement is serious. i'm guessing that's just how Ti can sound.
 

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@jessaywhat, he was probably joking, I don't think you can insult an ISTP with jokes so much he would throw you out of the car. Some of us have this disability of not being able to act with our voices, I get missunderstood often when I'm joking and people think I'm completely serious.

So lately I've been working on being a little more.....emotionally available....in my marriage, and so i've been writing emails to my husband to talk about "feelings" since i'm uncomfortable and inept at discussing them face to face.
I usually do it in the dark, so the other person cannot see me, and possibly from the other part of the room. It's been working pretty well, the others appreciate it. I a little less, the next day I always feel uncomfortable for telling all that stuff and for people knowing that about me. Need to work on that.
 

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do you already (in your mind) put a label on the emotion you are feeling before you start expressing it? if not, it may help to do so - then start your email with a summary phrase like 'i feel [name of emotion]' and then go into your logical explanation of it. mentally labeling her emotions seems to help my ISTP best friend.

it's probably relevant here to say that i've tested as both INFJ (MBTI test) and ENFJ (cognitive functions test) and landed on INFJ (maybe ambiverted though!).

yes, it's easier to communicate with an NF if you speak their 'feeling' language. but the way you say things has to be natural to you or it's going to be very difficult because it feels fake - so don't force it, just practice. you can change what feels natural to you - the more you talk a certain way, the more natural it is going to feel, so give it time and practice.

if it's any comfort - the honesty of an ISTP's expression is endearing itself - i know i find the way my ISTP best friend expresses her emotions, even though it's not the way i would say it, endearing, because it's so candid and genuine, because she feels safe to open up to me like that, and because it's her (that is, authentic to who she is). her candor is refreshing and i know what she says is heartfelt.

most of us NFJs tend to read through the lines to figure out the underlying emotion behind what others say, anyway, and we can generally see through to whether someone is genuine or not, and genuineness warms our hearts. so it's very likely that your ENFJ can catch on to your sincerity (and loves it!) and what you are feeling, even if you don't say things the exact same way he might say it.

and this is a two-way street - if you are trying to learn to speak his NF language, he also needs to learn to understand your ST language - so don't put all the pressure on yourself. :)

your effort to be more emotionally available will be greatly appreciated - it's hard to describe how much closer i feel to my ISTP friend since she has opened up a lot about what she's feeling... :)
 

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Was this on your own or did your husband ask for it? I'm just asking, not judging. :)

I would have liked to have gotten anything from my ISTP ex when we were together..
 

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You know what? Some people (feelers overall) but people in general need affection in a relationship, just stop thinking a lot about it and demostrate your love to him (huging kissing saying i love you blah blah blah) i know that is not what youre searching for but the problem with Ti dominants its the using of logic in everything, thinking everything, but not everything can be meassured like that, a good friend of mine is an ISTP and goddamn hell, he can overthink the things a lot and became selfinsecure in the aspects that cant control (F for example)... and i have an ESTP friend that control this better "following his insticts" and just do what is necessary... probably is related to Se so my advice, develop your extraverted side better and you will get a better Fe.

... also i missreaded coldness...its not coolness, you know Ti can be cool when its about bitching.
 
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@Juan M that really was uncalled for.

Anyhow yes, Ti is cold. Cold, calculated, to the point, concise and emotionless. It is hard to transfer what you feel over with that but the people who know you, know how you operate and know what you mean even with a semi-verbal message. They know how you think and operate and know what it really means. So... i wouldn't worry as much.
 

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the people who know you, know how you operate and know what you mean even with a semi-verbal message. They know how you think and operate and know what it really means. So... i wouldn't worry as much.
If this was the case, this thread would not exist.
 

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If this was the case, this thread would not exist.
No, this is only a problem with NEW acquaintances. It is not a problem at all with people who you know for a while, they already know you a fair deal so know what to expect. Especially if it already is a long term relationship.
 

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@Kadjunga,

Khys husband is not a new acquaintance.
Unless my memory fails me (which it could), they both had a debate over his feelings and her stereotypical ISTP "coldness".
 

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@MXZCCT,
Honestly, i dont follow the personal and private lives of people who come here with that much interest.

I will still say the same, it is mostly for new acquaintances. People who know you, know YOU and what to expect. The coldness of Ti doesnt matter at all for them, since they know you mean no offense and its just who you are.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
i think he does understand and appreciate my efforts.

this attempt on my part came about just because we were talking about things we could do for each other that the other person would appreciate and he said he would enjoy hearing about my emotions more. he's not sitting around upset and sulking that he "doesn't know how i feel."

it's more that this has all kind of raised an awareness in myself how i can come across.

i've actually improved a lot over our 4 year marriage. when we first got married, i would present feelings like i was in court: Lay out the evidence and expect my husband to draw the correct conclusion.
Example: instead of saying "I felt like you were criticizing me so I started feeling irritated" i would've said "Stop criticizing me, geez" and expected him to conclude that I was irritated.

Now I have to work pretty hard to say the first line. I mean usually it woudl come out something like "What you said sounds like criticism which if it is, isn't really fair to me" I have a tendency to leave out feelings words completely. I have to go back over what I wrote or am about to say and add them in afterwards.
 
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Discussion Starter · #18 · (Edited)
double post. dsfsdfdsfsdfsdf
 

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Developing is fine, bending out of shape however will only backfire and have you return to your original status with double the intensity.

It's a fine line, and make sure to keep in check which it is that is happening.
 

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@MXZCCT,
Honestly, i dont follow the personal and private lives of people who come here with that much interest.

I will still say the same, it is mostly for new acquaintances. People who know you, know YOU and what to expect. The coldness of Ti doesnt matter at all for them, since they know you mean no offense and its just who you are.
I guess we will have to respectfully disagree. I understand where your coming from. But from my personal experience this just isn't the case. The coldness of Ti creates a barrier with prevents the flow of intimacy between a Ti user, and another individual efficiently. True ISTP intimacy is very raw and sporadic, almost always catching the recipient by surprise. The SO see this flow as affection, but will never understand the transfer of intimacy in which the ISTP wishes it to be understood.
 
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