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I'd like to begin by thanking anyone taking the time to read this.

I am an ENFP male who has known an INTJ female for 4 years. We've been best friends since she was 16, dated for a year and she's just turned 20. I believe we admired the typical attributes within each other: her calm, collected, and analytical demeanor drew me in, while...whatever I have drew her in. I developed feelings for her, kind of sat through her terrible relationship with this guy and we ended up together after she revealed that she had feelings for me.

I realized that for a large part of our relationship, she was extremely happy and loving. Almost like an "i am madly in love with you" switch had been flipped. I was also madly in love with her, but because I also enjoy freedom, I wanted to balance her time with the time I dedicated to other things. We fought sometimes, but overall I thought we were good.

Unfortunately, I found out that she had expelled so much energy into our relationship, that she had neglected much of her own development. She decided that it would be best to end the relationship so she could "grow alone" and seek stability, though she wanted to remain in my life. Over the summer she did an internship, and she noticed that it was the first time she was ever truly independent. I suppose that independence showed her the greener grass and allowed her to get past our breakup. After a recent face to face conversation, she said she is no longer romantically attracted to me and that what we have can translate to a platonic "sibling" like relationship. I tried to get her to understand that once you've showed a person what it is like to be romantically involved with them, that it is hard to switch to promising an everlasting friendship. She simply did not understand and told me that it hurts her deeply that I would imply us not being together romantically is a reason to stop a 4 year friendship (which is a stance I recently discovered many INTJs share).

The logical part of me knows that it would be best for us to go our own ways since what I want does not match up to what she wants. But some part of me that I have trouble understanding wants to see her grow and I want to be there to support her; however, this doesn't translate into platonic desire for me. I have no problem respecting her wishes to remain friends, but I cannot say that in the future I will not want to assert myself romantically again. Is that wrong? I know I cannot wait for something that isn't guaranteed to happen, but I cannot bring myself to leave her alone. But I also know that if I were to stay around, I would want to eventually pursue something romantic if she found stability and was willing to give it a try.

She did say that she believes if someone can shut off their attraction towards someone, they can turn it back on.

It's a funny place to be in. I guess what I'm asking is, once an INTJ splits with someone, is it safe to assume that it's over for good? Has any INTJ on this forum ever experienced a rescinding of a relationship decision after vocalizing it? Have any INTJ's experienced attraction toward someone they once used the "off switch" on? Am I selfish for wanting to remain in this person's life, even though I can't see myself in a strictly platonic relationship with them for the rest of my life? Do you think that in your personal life, a romance can be opened up between you and a best friend if you both were in better places? Do you have any insight as to what you would want in this situation? Will my willingness to continue a platonic relationship with her solidify the low probability of me ever becoming a romantic interest again?
 

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What is with the influx of enfp topics up in hur?

Your INTJ friends logic is questionable, you can't turn off attraction. It is not a switch. But you can control your attraction to someone by deciding on whether you act on it or not. And anything is possible in terms of rekindling a relationship. But when I decide I am through, I move on and don't look back twice.
 

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I'm in exactly the same situation with my INTJ best friend (male). I'm INFJ.

He said that I need time to "get my shit together" (since we jumped straight into a relationship after my long-term relationship ended and I wasn't properly over it) , and I have to find my own personal freedom, and that we might have a chance in the future once we are both more 'level'.

The problem has become; that in "finding my self" on this "alone" journey, I realise that the relationship wasn't going to work anyway. I've realised that I need to fulfil myself and get to a happy whole place before I am ready for a relationship with anyone.

So, with that, I've given up any hope of reconciliation, because I don't want to be strung along and remain emotionally open to him because it's too painful and I have other goals that I wish to pursue without the emotional hope hanging over my head. He has noticed that Ive "withdrawn", and I have - because I don't want to be emotionally investing in a relationship which has no future payoff, since it seems like a waste.

Unless she has been specific about there being a chance, i'd think the kindest thing to do for yourself is remain her friend but try to distance emotionally from her.
 

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I suppose that independence showed her the greener grass and allowed her to get past our breakup. After a recent face to face conversation, she said she is no longer romantically attracted to me and that what we have can translate to a platonic "sibling" like relationship.


here's the thing. autonomy and being-in-your-own-right is very important to intj's, ime. even though she got off to a slow start, that's probably just as true for your friend as for anyone else. so for what it's worth, she probably didn't fall out of love with you personally; she's just discovered a completely different imperative which is (i suspect) even more important to her than love was.

i don't know if it's reasonable, but i think i'd be hurt too, if someone who said they loved me - and who had already been benefiting from full-personhood (or whatever you want to call it) - didn't seem able to deal with the idea that i wanted the same thing for myself. i can't help thinking that if your gf has grown that much, the person you fell in love with is not quite the same as the person who just talked to you. maybe if you stuck around and got a chance to see her as she really is (now; i.e. has become) you might find that your own feelings would naturally change and adjust themselves too. after all, she's had the benefit during your separation of having you/the relationship and her own growth side by side in her mind all this time. whereas you might not have been seeing the growth, and might just have had the relationship. so it would be a shock, i see that.

i'm not sure what to say. i do remember a very clear (and happy) patch in my own life after i 'found myself' where love just wasn't that interesting. it wasn't as important as the stuff i was busy with, and what's more, looking back over the relationships i had been in till then, i developed a whole new set of perspectives that pretty much invalidated everything i'd imagined i'd felt. i saw a lot of dependency and some emotional stuff that i just wasn't feeling teh same way about, or that i was addressing by then in a completely different way. i guess i'm just saying that it sounds like she's grown. and like it or not, you're going to have to grow your perspective on the thing that you had with her, if you want to keep the whole thing honest and accurate. to her at this point, your (understandable) feelings might sound a little bit like 'if you won't be like the person i knew before all of this happened, i don't want you at all.'

i don't even know if this suggestion is sound, but you could try sticking around anyway. try to see her honestly, and empirically, the way she's become. and then don't make automatic assumptions about your own feelings either. re-calibrate them. could be tht she's wiser than you have the info to be at this point, and once you're all caught up on the changes, you won't feel the same way either and you'll be able to let her go as a partner, even possibly to keep her as nothing more than a friend.
 

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Personally, I've found that I don't have the capacity to maintain a relationship and work on my personal growth. It's one or the other. That might be just me though. I find that the relationship always ends up eating up the bulk of my time/energy and I just don't have anything left for myself. When I'm focusing on personal growth I tend to make very drastic changes in a short space of time and few relationships can withstand that.

If I have to choose between the two, personal growth will win every time.

Regarding staying friends, I do that all the time. I'm friends with my romantic partners first and foremost. After investing so much of myself into a person and a relationship, it sucks balls to throw all of it away, so I try not to. I've always found it really easy to shut off the attraction and go back to being platonic. Once I make that switch though, I never look back. Not saying it's impossible, but the relationship ended for a reason, so unless something changes to remove that impediment, it will never happen.
 

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She's decided already. You can stay her friend or not, but there's a 99.9% chance it won't become romantic. So just move on (as far as the romantic aspect goes). I'd recommend staying her friend though, because I'm sure there's something you can get out of that relationship. But forget becoming a boyfriend. It's not happening.

If I like someone, I let them know. When I want to date, if I have a male friend I like, I'll ask the male friend out. If I don't ask the friend out it's because 1. I don't want to date or 2. I don't want to date the friend.
 

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Ok, bottom line - you're emotionally involved, she's not. Best course of action is therefore no contact. All her own troubles are just that - her own. Take care of yourself.
 

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@Hungry I can't answer all your questions from experience, but I'll do what I can.

...once an INTJ splits with someone, is it safe to assume that it's over for good?
Safe, yes. The odds are in favor of it being for good.

Am I selfish for wanting to remain in this person's life, even though I can't see myself in a strictly platonic relationship with them for the rest of my life?
Are you selfish? Maybe a little, but I don't think it's unjustified. You want what you want, or at least, right now you do. I wouldn't condemn you for having that desire, but you do need to manage it, and weigh it against other needs and desires.

Do you have any insight as to what you would want in this situation?
I personally would have broken it off totally with you, if I were her. For both your sake and hers, carrying on a relationship with an element of unbalanced romantic attraction (not to mention hurt on your end, which is something you shouldn't discount) would be difficult, awkward, and painful. I think it's naive and egocentric of her to expect you to be able to make that work.

I think she doesn't know how much it'd hurt you. Sometimes INTJ's can be dumb like that.

Will my willingness to continue a platonic relationship with her solidify the low probability of me ever becoming a romantic interest again?
I don't think it'll help your case, even if it doesn't hurt it.

As much as I hate to say it, I think this relationship has changed shape permanently. Trying to force it into another shape will end in one or both of you making big, hurtful mistakes. Be honest with her about your struggle, and make it clear how heavy it is for you. I think you're already dealing with this intelligently, being realistic about your desires and limitations. You just need to follow through.
 

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It's a funny place to be in. I guess what I'm asking is, once an INTJ splits with someone, is it safe to assume that it's over for good? Has any INTJ on this forum ever experienced a rescinding of a relationship decision after vocalizing it? Have any INTJ's experienced attraction toward someone they once used the "off switch" on? Am I selfish for wanting to remain in this person's life, even though I can't see myself in a strictly platonic relationship with them for the rest of my life? Do you think that in your personal life, a romance can be opened up between you and a best friend if you both were in better places? Do you have any insight as to what you would want in this situation? Will my willingness to continue a platonic relationship with her solidify the low probability of me ever becoming a romantic interest again?
Oh not at all! (I'm answering your questions in order, by the way). If, after the first split, the other person has shown considerable growth of character, maturity, wisdom, etc. then there is a definite chance that the relationship can recommence. That's if the problem is on their side. If the INTJ is the one with issues (like in your case), he/she just might need time to readjust themselves without the pressures of romantic involvement. I'm actually going through that very thing right now with a fellow INTJ. Believe me, they're worth waiting for.

To answer your next two questions, yes. In middle school, I dated a girl who, after a couple weeks, thought it would be better if we were just friends even though I liked her very very much. I thus proceeded to turn off "the switch." When senior year of high school rolled around, she confessed to retaining feelings for me. I was overjoyed. (Irrelevantly, that ended after a month. She chose to end things by coming out of the closet. Which didn't help the nervousness I generally feel toward relationships to begin with.)

No. Unless she turns out to be gay, there is always hope. Just don't push it; let her come to you.

Ha! I try to date only my better friends, as I believe love blossoms from shared experience. The closer I am to someone platonically, the easier it is to start a romantic relationship with them.

To answer your last two questions: If I were you, I certainly wouldn't give up hope, but be prepared in case she really means to stay platonic forever. And no, like I said, there is always hope. If I were her, the willingness to remain just friends would actually increase the chances of us getting back together.
 

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What a disaster.

You need to develop experience and knowledge of female psychology and social mechanisms. Do not hurry and take your time. This will happen anyway and it is up to you decide how painful it will be.

You are rationalizing too much and you have the tendency to make the future sweeter thsn it is. Do not lie to yourself. This is not the way to avoid pain.
 
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