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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
In the light of all these slightly depressing threads about supposedly stereotypical male and female behaviour and societal pressures, I just felt like spilling my guts about purely personal experiences. Some probably stereotypical, some not so much. Simply as an individual who always went with the flow, and with what felt right at that point in time. Call it a hopeless attempt to move away from theoretical observations (which might well be true for the statistic average) and making them our mantra.
It always seems easier to blame others or society if it doesn't quite work out the way we want, and I find that sort of depressing.

If anyone wants to join in and share their stories, all the better. Maybe we'll manage to restore some faith in humankind here, men and women alike, regardless of sexual orientation. If not, I also don't mind making an arse of myself, that's just who I am anyway ;)

About me: I am introvert, but I wouldn't really call myself shy. I adjust pretty well to social situations (hasn't always been the case). Sexual attraction is important for me. I can separate sex from love, and have done so on occasion. In a relationship, I need a deep emotional connection however, so sexual attraction alone doesn't cut it. I wouldn't say though that my longterm relationships all started with having a deep emotional connection, but they all developed into that direction. I only had six relationships in my life I'd call serious of sorts, so I'm leaving out teenage crushes and flings.
The only common denominator: I actually had to leave the house to meet these men. Sometimes they made the first move, sometimes I did. Sometimes sex was important early on, sometimes it wasn't. It always paid off taking a risk though. Starting with the most recent...


SO 6, who I've been in a relationship with for over 8 years now:
 
We met through a freelance performance project. I was a performer, he a visual artist. We were instantly attracted, physically and emotionally (and creatively/artistically). Problem was: I was married to someone else at that point (namely SO 5).
Nothing happened between us, although we both could have taken advantage more than once if we'd wanted to, and we were close to kissing a few times (no, we still didn't).
He truly is the most genuine, sincere and emotionally open person I've ever met. He told me that he liked and respected me too much to just have an affair, that it was simply out of the question for him. That he also thought it wasn't right towards my husband, that he quite clearly wouldn't want to be in that situation himself and therefore wouldn't do it to someone else. He also admitted to being selfish, because he knew he'd get hurt if we started something that essentially had no future.
We had to work together for a few weeks after that talk and both tried to avoid each other as best we could (wasn't entirely possible). It was really, really hard, honestly the worst time of my life.

After I'd left my husband (not really because of SO 6 I shall add, he was the catalyst at the most; I'll maybe write about SO 5 another time ;)), I just took a risk, because I really had nothing to lose at that point: I phoned up SO 6 and asked him if he was willing to meet for a talk. He didn't see the point, so my hand was forced, and I told him that I'd split up. I really had to convince him a bit to meet, which I totally understood from his point of view. He was very tense and guarded, but eventually agreed to meet in a neutral setting.
I told him that I was well aware he might not want a relationship with me, but that my marriage was over either way. That I was putting my cards on the table here, that I was sure how I felt about him, and that the rest was now up to him. I could virtually see how much he was fighting with himself, and he really didn't say much apart from a few monosyllabic things. My heart sank a bit, but I also knew that I had given him a lot to process, and that I shouldn't expect too much. So I suggested I better leave, and that he could contact me whenever. Or not at all, I'd understand (admittedly, I would have been heartbroken, but that was just the risk I'd taken). He started to look emotional and just said: "I think I'm gonna cry if I say anything right now, and it'll make me feel like a total dick [we were in a very public place]. Can we just leave together?" And yes, we slept together that very night. Under "normal circumstances" (whatever they may be), we probably wouldn't have. The rest is history...
 

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As much as l can agree or disagree with some points made in the threads, they do exhaust me and l have limited use for theories applied to gender-dating relations, because l've been able to shrug those things in my real life experience.

We don't sound very N :laughing:

l would view them more like generalizations, anyway, that l've always managed to sidestep even if they are widely present(and doing so has only made finding people l'm actually compatible with easier).

So yes, thank you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
We don't sound very N
... which is as N as it gets, as some people would argue ;)

I probably did everything "wrong" that I could do wrong (if I look at the textbook-advice angle), all my life: Too emotionally open, heart on my sleeve, no push/pull mind-games, not trying to give a "favourable" impression (which I knew I couldn't keep up anyway, so where's the point?).

And you know what? I was rewarded with amazing experiences, despite some of them turning out to be painful in the end, but most of them actually weren't. So really: If my "dating-pool" was ever smaller because of the way I behaved (which I seriously doubt), it only helped me to weed out the crap...
 

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My first and current relationship is actually pretty gender-reversed. She did most of the initiating, she's the one with the shorter hair, plus she's the lower maintenance partner and the more honest and straightforward one in the relationship. She also loves to assert her dominance and ownership of me in public by groping me.

I'm the softspoken one who blushes and looks cute.

So, here's my story:

 
We met through a group of mutual friends. We got to know each other and just started being good friends. I started to feel attracted to her, and wanted to ask her out the within the first month or two I met her. I didn't.

So, basically, I decided to flirt the only way I knew how. By awkwardly trying to get near her, blushing, and moving 20 feet away. I didn't know if she caught on to what I was trying to do, but we had started getting really touchy-feely after that and cuddled a bit. Nothing else happened. We just flirted a bit with each other.

She spent a semester away after that, and we didn't see each other again until the semester after. So, I saw her again and she said hi to me... Right when she left, I saw her and she looked beautiful.

Later, we found some time alone one night while we were walking back to both of our dorms, and she had told me she liked me. I said I had liked her back. So, we decided to meet in her room soon afterwards and start cuddling.

So, we had spent some time together and things were very awkward, mainly because I was extremely nervous. She had kept kissing me on the cheek, and I tried to kiss her, but I couldn't kiss her back. I had finally let it slip that I had absolutely no sexual experience whatsoever. Her reply was a pretty blunt, "I can fix that." My face turned a bright red, and then she said, "Not tonight. You're not ready."

Needless to say, I was conflicted. Part of me really wanted to stay and part of me wanted to get the hell out, and part of me wanted to stay because I really liked her. She decided to give me a quick peck on the lips that night to prove that the first kiss wasn't such a big deal. Now I think that was bullshit, because I loved every millisecond of that kiss.

After that, we went out of bed, and I was so embarrassed I was in complete shock. Now, this was only made worse by the fact that I was sitting in a chair across from her. I tend to be uncomfortable with making eye contact, but she was one of the people I forced eye contact with. So, I completely spaced out and my eyes drifted right to her breasts. Oops.

So we still spent time together but I kept my distance because I was embarrassed and I convinced myself she probably wasn't interested anymore. That is, until one night I realized what I was doing and then gave this long message that I was scared, but I really did like her that I would find the courage someday to show her how I felt.

So, fast forward to a couple of weeks afterwards. We had found ourselves in a cuddly position and I lowered my lips above her cheek. She said, "Are you going to try to kiss me again?". I had kissed her on the cheek and said the perfect, yet most dorky romantic line in the universe, which was a paraphrase of a famous Star Wars line. "There is no try, only do."

Apparently that turned her on, because the next minute we started kissing each other on the mouth until she had almost started completely sucking my face. I decided to stop it there because it was a semi-public place and other people would be able to see us. Afterwards, we had met in her room, made out, and she finally asked where we were in the relationship. And that's when we finally became partners.
 

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When I met my wife, I thought she wouldn't be as into me as I was into her. Apparently she thought I didn't like her because on our first date I seemed uninterested and reserved. Little did she know it was quite the opposite. Actually, before our first date the only way that I could speak to her on the phone is when I was drunk. Anyway, I kept telling myself she wasn't into me and subconsciously, my behaviour validated any excuse for her not to like me. Thankfully it went the way that I wanted, which was quite perfect.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Here's another two, pretty opposite sides of the emotional drama and stereotypical behaviour spectrum:

SO 4: Keyboarder in a band I sang in.
 
We worked together for well over a year before we started a relationship and argued constantly. He was a complete smart-arse and regularly made me rage. Everything was highly emotionally charged when we were in the same space, and at some point, I had to admit to myself that I had feelings for him (which I initially wasn't too happy about, because I knew it would change the dynamics within the band).
One weekend, the shit just hit the fan. We were all slightly tipsy, the other guys were chatting up girls or whatever, and I just cracked and told him I had feelings for him. He stared at me, not saying a word, and I thought to myself: 'Yeah, that's what happens if you pour your heart out whilst being slightly incapacitated, you stupid cow!' After moments of agonising silence, he only said: "That's a really crap idea." Oh, the awkwardness! We pretty quickly called it a night. I really remember lying in my bed, trying to fall asleep to a constant mantra of 'Shit shit shit, the embarrassment, can we still work together now?'
The next day, I really felt I couldn't face any of them, but I had to. I'm sure the other guys thought: 'WTF is wrong with them today, did they argue again?' (I should mention that especially our drummer occasionally told us to just get a room so we could get on with our lives. If he'd only known how right he was, but maybe he did ;)).
After the gig, SO 4 asked me if he could talk to me. He wanted to know if I'd been serious last night, or if I'd just been drunk. I said: "A bit of both," and apologised, my face probably the colour of an overripe tomato. He said he was very attracted to me, but wasn't sure if he could work with me if we were in a relationship. And then he just went: "... but that's all royally fucked up now anyway, because I've just admitted I'm in love with you, haven't I?" We both stood there like complete idiots, wringing our hands and scratching our heads, until the situation became so absurd that we started laughing. He hugged me and kissed me on my forehead. That's all that happened that night. But of course it didn't stay that way, otherwise he wouldn't be SO 4. And none if us left the band, but we still fought like cats and dogs. We just had a better way of calming down again once we were in our own ;)



SO 1: We had an interest in the same sports and were members of the same local club.
 
We chatted on occasion, got along okay, and found ourselves gradually chatting to each other more often. I really can't say who was more forward initiating that, it just developed. If the club put on social events, we found ourselves drawn to each other and talked all day/evening. It was actually him who asked me out outside the club environment, and I said yes. We had quite a few dates for weeks without anything physical happening, not even a kiss. We just really enjoyed spending time with each other, had a very similar sense of humour, it was just great. I had been to his flat a few times, and one day, we just kissed: We looked at each other, and the timing was right, as simple as that. Everything else developed gradually, and it actually took weeks before we had sex (and neither of us was a virgin at that point, so that had no part in it).
 
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