Personality Cafe banner

1 - 1 of 1 Posts

Peter Petrelli
6,160 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
So, everything started when I was 7, I think
I wish I could deny the memory and say it was false
Much it was a blur
I remember my brother watching porno flicks
Then the next thing I knew, he wouldn't leave me alone to do sex acts with him
Mind you I was around 7 and I really did not want to do that at all
But I caved
And I always blamed myself for caving
My mom caught it
And I was convinced I had done something horrible
After that the family was in a whirl wind and I completely blamed myself
So I never told my parents when he continually sexually harassed me
Or was verbally abusive to me when they were alone
Even when he insulted me in front of the only parent who was around, mom,
He barely got a slap on the wrist for it
About a year later he said "learn how to write bitch" in my diary
My freaking private diary!!!!!!!
And I showed my parents and they barely did anything
He lived downstairs, while I had to share my room w the washer and dryer even though I hated having my privacy interrupted and he got to get the AC in his room even though also having stairs to the attic in my room attracted so many roaches which I was terrified of
My dad fixed my brother's downstairs apartment right up while my room didn't even have wallpaper
He made me a bookshelf at least
Anyway whenever he came upstairs I didn't want to be near him
But my parents would engage w him
And I spent so much of my childhood alone

I'm not saying this to vilify my parents
I'm saying this because it helps make sense of why I didn't trust my feelings when I hated him. I felt like I was wrong

But on top of it, when he was 18, it seemed like he was "fixed". Until, then, it seemed to me like my parents were preoccupied in fixing him. Then once he was fine, then I would express myself the only way I knew how, by getting down on myself, and I would get shamed for it like "you shouldn't feel that way" don't ever tell someone who feels down about anything, especially themselves, tech shouldn't feel the way they fo. That's horrible. But all those years I had seriously blamed myself

I also sensed that maybe deep inside my parents blamed me. But I can't say for sure
I don't think they were bad parents. I think they didn't know how to handle the situation, but as early as 12, maybe 11, I started dressing provocatively, because I thought letting myself be sexualized was the only way I could get ppl to like me anyway. I also tried to run away because I guess at some level I identified w the characters

I think I understand now why I hold in my anger until it explodes
I never feel entities to it
Even when it's pointed out that some is seriously mistreating me, I have a difficult time seeing it or letting myself feel anything until I'm basically cursing someone out.
1 - 1 of 1 Posts