[Dary]

Hey guys.

So, that's my first post in here, although I've been reading the forum for a while.

Actually, I'm looking for advice of what to do. I used to read this forum in order to understand my "girlfriend's" mind (she is an ISTP), but the thing is she is not my "girlfriend" anymore. She was not my "girlfriend" in fact, but we had a thing. She used to say she loved me and stuff. It's kind of complicated, actually.

Well, I need to know what to do. Do I have any chance of getting her back? I'm completely devastated.
I've been reading the forum and notice ISTP's do not turn back once they decide something. Is that really true? Does that apply here?

I don't want to be a pain in the ass for her, asking her to come back to me a lot of times and insisting. What do you people think?

I'm willing to give more information about our relationship, I just didnt want to overload the first post.

I'm a INFP, by the way (heh, kind of a hard task for an INFP to date an ISTP, dont you think?).

 

[OctoberSkye]

How long were you "together"? Why did the relationship end? Have you already told her you want her back?

 

[Dary]

Well, we had a kind of virtual relationship, cause we do not live in the same city. We met each other two times, whithin a period of three months, and I was planning to go see her again this month. I thought our relationship was working, but I guess it wasn't. One day, everything was normal, she was acting like she really was my partner and really wanted to be with me, but in the next day, she said she didnt want it anymore, she said it was all over.

I'm suffering a lot, cause I really love her. I don't want to lose her. But I don't know what to do. I already sent her an email, saying a lot of things, trying to get her back, but she didnt answer it. I talked to her yesterday, she said she had nothing to say, and didnt change her mind. It seems she does not want to see me, even though I said it could be just for fun, without any commitment.

And she acts in a cold way that really bothers me... it makes me suffer even more, cause it makes me feel like I mean nothing to her, like I'm a nobody. But maybe this cold reaction is natural? I don't know. I really don't like things to be like this. I think she should treat me the way I deserve, you know? I care for her a lot, after all...

 

[Darner]

Yes, the coldness. That is the thing that F's percieve even though we T's don't know that we're expressing it. If that's the same for all ISTPs, we think that we dumped you really nicely, objectively and with no hard feelings but that can appear very cold for the other one or the outsider. I know that because this is how I did it with my ex and was according to my friends comments totally harsch - even if I had no intention to be like that.

And about the getting back together. I got back together with this ex solely because I saw her out a year later and I fell in love with her again. But through the year she kept bothering me with calls and messages (not too stalkery) that she loves me, and it was pretty much a turn off. The argument "You should like me because I love you so much" never works with us. So I guess my suggestion would be that you present yourself to her in a really cool, I'm-over-you way. But of course the problem here is probably that you don't have any common friends or places where you both go?

 

[OctoberSkye]

Ah, I see. This sounds really familiar. So, she didn't give you any reason why it wasn't working for her? I hate to guess. Long-distance relationships are really difficult, more so for some people than others. I think in most relationships, long-distance or not, the first 3-6 month period is always the easiest. It's exciting. It's new. And then suddenly, it's not.

About the coldness, to me, it's a defense mechanism. It's either shut the emotions out or be overwhelmed by them. It's possible she's also trying to make the break-up easier, by not giving you any hope and unintentionally leading you on.

I'm sorry this happened and you're right, you deserved more respect than I think she gave you. It sounds like she's done, though.

I would recognize your self-worth, and don't accept less than that.

 

[Dary]

Yes, the coldness. That is the thing that F's percieve even though we T's don't know that we're expressing it. If that's the same for all ISTPs, we think that we dumped you really nicely, objectively and with no hard feelings but that can appear very cold for the other one or the outsider. I know that because this is how I did it with my ex and was according to my friends comments totally harsch - even if I had no intention to be like that.

And about the getting back together. I got back together with this ex solely because I saw her out a year later and I fell in love with her again. But through the year she kept bothering me with calls and messages (not too stalkery) that she loves me, and it was pretty much a turn off. The argument "You should like me because I love you so much" never works with us. So I guess my suggestion would be that you present yourself to her in a really cool, I'm-over-you way. But of course the problem here is probably that you don't have any common friends or places where you both go?

Yeah, I can understand what you said about the coldness... It makes sense, really.
I guess I'm too paranoid, and take everything to the extreme.

It's like, she says "bye", after I say "so.. I'm leaving you alone, and I'm going to sleep now", and to me it's like she is being too harsh, but maybe she is not, right?

I guess you're right about the "I'm-over-you way", too. Well, the only place that we both frequent, and all the common friends we have are from there, is a MSN group chat, in wich we got to know each other, one year and a half ago. The problem is I left this chat when she "broke up" with me, cause I can't stand being there with her, seeing that she is doing fine and that she is not with me.

Ah, I see. This sounds really familiar. So, she didn't give you any reason why it wasn't working for her? I hate to guess. Long-distance relationships are really difficult, more so for some people than others. I think in most relationships, long-distance or not, the first 3-6 month period is always the easiest. It's exciting. It's new. And then suddenly, it's not.

About the coldness, to me, it's a defense mechanism. It's either shut the emotions out or be overwhelmed by them. It's possible she's also trying to make the break-up easier, by not giving you any hope and unintentionally leading you on.

I'm sorry this happened and you're right, you deserved more respect than I think she gave you. It sounds like she's done, though.

I would recognize your self-worth, and don't accept less than that.

She said it's all because of the distance, actually. She says she can't be in a serious relationship with someone that she never sees, she can't stand it, internet isn't enough. I told her I'm struggling to change this, I told her we could get through this. But well, it didnt work.
But the relationship seemed to be fine, you know. I thought she was doing fine handling the distance and all.

About the coldness, yeah, I can comprehend that. I actually already thought about it, and concluded the same thing. But it's still pretty hard. It makes me think I'm being a pain in the ass, ridiculous and pathetic, or something like this.

 

[gpky]

I already sent her an email, saying a lot of things, trying to get her back, but she didnt answer it. I talked to her yesterday, she said she had nothing to say, and didnt change her mind. It seems she does not want to see me, even though I said it could be just for fun, without any commitment.

And she acts in a cold way that really bothers me... it makes me suffer even more, cause it makes me feel like I mean nothing to her, like I'm a nobody. But maybe this cold reaction is natural? I don't know. I really don't like things to be like this. I think she should treat me the way I deserve, you know? I care for her a lot, after all...

It does sound like she's walked out. I recognise some of those behaviours because I am aware that I do that as well, when a relationship is over. When I've made the decision that a relationship is over, it's a done deal - it's not a natural inclination to want to 'talk it over' or 'discuss things' because for ISTPs (well, for myself at least), the thinking and decision-making takes place internally and we tend not to express it aloud. If an ISTP is aware of this, and understands the impact it has on others, then she may feel inclined to 'talk about it'. However, that doesn't mean you can talk her around or that she will change her mind. It simply means that she is willing to take the time to verbalise it so that you can understand why or how she had arrived at the decision (giving you the closure you need).

I generally do not want to 'see' a person after I've decided to end the relationship because I am afraid of what it may involve eg. pleas, tears, emotions etc. It's not a comfortable place for me to be in. But that doesn't mean I won't ever talk to the person again. I'd still talk to the person (if I genuinely like that person as a friend) but I'd wait till the person has gotten over the relationship and we can engage each other in a non-emotional way.

The coldness is typical but I'd venture to say that it probably doesn't come from 'hating' you or anything like that. Most ISTPs I know, myself included, appear to be quite emotionless and unreactive. Sometimes we are unaware of the impression it creates, or the 'vibes' it sends out. It's very typical and reasonable for people to feel like 'they don't matter' or 'they are nothing'. However, I don't think that is the message that she intends to send out. I don't know if you are feeling an urge to keep pursuing the matter or asking her to change her mind, but my suggestion is that if you did that, you may just irritate her more and more. With ISTPs, when you get a hint that they wish to be left alone, leave them alone. Doing the opposite will put you in the direct line of fire. Not good

I do sincerely sympathise with you that you're on the receiving end of some of an ISTP's worst quirks. Do you value this person as a friend even though the relationship didn't work out?

 

[Dary]

Man, I really value her as a friend.
After all, we were friends before we started the relationship.

It's kind of funny, cause I used to think I would never fall in love with her, or engage a relationship like this with her. Look where I'm standing now...

I comprehend what you say. By knowing her since before falling in love with her, I already had the idea that she was a kind of emotionless and unreactive person. Everything that is happening now is actually very predictable. It really suits her.
But still... it hurts me. I wish she could at least comfort me and treat me well. But I guess something like this is just not a part of her personality, I don't know.

And it bothers me a lot not knowing exactly what is in her mind. I don't know exactly what she is feeling about all of this.

I don't know if this has anything to do with us breaking up, but she is acting in a weird way, puting pieces of music on the msn and on twitter. One of these days she put "...until I'm tired of breathing you." It's from a romantic music. Another day, it was like "Why cant we pull out our hearts? Hearts should be removable."
And yesterday she put "I was afraid it would reach this point" Before that, I had posted on my own twitter "Fucking sadness". I don't know if she was kind of responding me or what. I almost asked her what she meant, but was afraid it would disturb and irritate her. I feel I can't talk to her about anything or else I'm irritating her. I hate to feel this way.

Thanks for all the answers and support you guys have been giving me, by the way.

 

[ThoughtProcess]

Nope, that kind of empathy won't happen. If an ISTP walks away from you it'll be for a reason, a season, or life...to borrow a phrase.

A lot of people do that with music. It's either symbolism or co-inkydinks.

 

[Dary]

But does this symbolism thing has to do with me? I wonder if what happened between us has some weight in her mind.

 

[OctoberSkye]

The music thing, does seem like she is trying to send a message to you. She knows that you're checking her updates and she's being subtle rather than direct. I do that quite often with music.
In any case, the messages all point to the same thing, don't you think?

You know, when I was younger, I would get really annoyed by huge emotional displays during/after a break-up. Empathy just doesn't come naturally to us.
Gpky nailed it up there about what it takes to possibly be friends afterward.
Not that there's anything wrong with how you feel, or how you're handling this.
But hopefully, you understand now why she's behaving this way.

 

[ThoughtProcess]

But does this symbolism thing has to do with me? I wonder if what happened between us has some weight in her mind.

Like October said, that very well could be. She could very well be telling you that she does have emotions but, she just can't deal with this situation at the moment. In which case, you need to man-up and give her emotional space.

 

[chiagirl27]

I do that with music as well. Send subtle messages so that I don't have to confront the issue head-on.

Give her space and time. Time moves REALLY SLOWLY when you're waiting; believe me, I know. But time moves differently for everyone, depending on the place they're in. What seems an eternity to you, is probably just a (short) period of self-reflection for her. It's hard to feel like you've been back-burnered; but you have. And it's okay. I put people on the back burner all the time; it isn't a reflection (at all) on where they stand in my lives, it's just a reflection on what I can deal with. When things get too heavy, either with that person or externally, I need to pull it all in and focus. I've lost friends in the past because of this - they don't understand my silence and retreat and take it personally, when all I was doing was getting a little clarity and space.

I echo all the other comments about giving her some space and time. I'm sorry it hurts. :sad: