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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
New here... I've been lurking on the INFJ forum as well as the ISFP forum for the past several months in an effort to understand myself better and understand him better (with the knowledge that understanding a problem does not necessarily beget a solution... understanding simply begets understanding).

In brief, I'm an INFJ, and he's an ISFP (I'm pretty sure, from reading A LOT of things on here and elsewhere), and we were together for a few months, then off for a few months as he disappeared into... ISFP-ness? He would just disappar for months. Friends didn't hear from him. I didn't see or hear from him except at work if we were at the same site. And he'd come back, and we'd pick up again like it was 3 months ago. He offered nothing besides that he was being a recluse and a hermit and that he didn't date other people during this time, which I had no reason to doubt. This cycle happened several more times but then was abruptly (to me) ended when he started dating someone else. Without breaking it off with me.

This is all complicated by the fact that we work together. When we started dating, we had the same role, and I've been promoted and am sort of now one of his bosses, and this new woman would be considered ancillary to our roles. I don't know her beyond her name and face. We had kept our relationship secret because we work together (no office policy, but initially, out of respect for the other people in the office), and I am perplexed and hurt because this new woman is suddenly posting crap - pictures, statuses, etc. - all over social media. I discovered this when a mutual work friend who was suspicious we were in a relationship cornered and confronted him at work about it. Otherwise, I suspect I would have found out passively.

I am hoping to better understand what motivated him to do this. Is it immaturity? (We're late 20's, early 30's). Poorly developed personalities? Throughout our relationship, he had said that he was not one to sleep around, and I had no reason not to trust him until the last few weeks. While I don't know that he cheated on me physically, I feel very emotionally betrayed because his transition from me to her seems, to me, so seamless and easy for him. Words were said when we did discuss this briefly (via text, no less), and of course, I was the one who said them, while he deflected by insisting they'd been dating only a week and he was waiting to tell me in person (BS, I say), and telling me that I am a great person, great at my job, and will do great in my new role, which is him avoiding conflict.

Even more than looking to understand the situation, I am also seeking advice for how to deal with him at work because that's going to be more difficult for me in the foreseeable future. He reports to me in some instances, so that communication cannot be avoided. In a few months, there is a big project at work that we are both going to be working on, for a month (neither of us can quit), and I realize people, things, and emotions evolve greatly over the course of months, but I'd like some advice on how best to handle this forced interaction, if not for the betterment of our working relationship, then at least for the betterment of the project.

I will be honest. This relationship is dead. The last year, it has wasted my time and dragged me down, and him leaving is a positive thing in my life. It is hard to see that now, especially with this new woman is throwing it in everyone's face, mine included, and having to adjust to this new leadership role as these revelations came to the surface.
 

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First, I am curious as to what traits has he shown you for you to consider him an ISFP.

Second, I guess that moving on is the best and simplest answer. Treat him like a colleague.. I guess it all boils down to a re-focusing and prioritizing of energies. This time what's more important is your job, and whatever he does with his life shouldn't concern you as long as it doesn't damage the project.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks for your reply, Anadyomenos. He has actually made the work situation easy but very testy because he decided to subject me to the silent treatment, so that has made my interactions with him easy, to say the least.

When I step outside of this current situation to look at him, he is very kind, loyal (to his family and friends he considers family), easygoing, and artsy. He always has some kind of artistic hobby in addition to his longstanding hobby of collecting vinyls. When I met him, the hobby was sketching and drawing. Then he got bored with that and moved on to whittling without a second look back at his sketchbooks or pencils. I have also never met anyone so keen to avoid conflict and arguments, even simple, minor ones like what to watch on TV that night. He is good at maintaining his friendships because of this but is also quick to judge people harshly who do not hold his same values in life. As I said in the previous post, he pulls the disappearing act when he is stressed or overwhelmed, especially with work. And despite his easygoing exterior, he is, very deep down, extremely competitive with people, always comparing scores, times, accomplishments, etc. And also beneath that care-for-nothing exterior he portrays, he is also very insecure about those same accomplishments. I spent a lot of time trying to boost him up when he would show a small crack in his confidence. And even beyond romantic relationships, he has issues with commitment to jobs, hobbies, friendships, vacations/trips, diets, exercise regimens... I could go on. The things he has committed to include his cat and his vinyls. So from my rudimentary reading about the different types, I thought he fit the ISFP the best, knowing that every person within a category is a little different.
 

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I don't really have anything to say, except that I would never treat another person like that. I'm sorry it went down so badly for you =/ the thing is that cognitive functions has little to do with choices like that.

I'm obsessed with vinyls. My dog is my best friend. I'm wildly competitive. But I'm also upfront and direct. I'm introverted, but I'm not shy. {not that there's anything wrong with that} just saying that some Fi-doms will look different than other Fi-doms. And Fi works in adherence to its own moral code. If he feels as though he's working by his own rules, he won't necessarily think his behavior is wrong.

Fi's a bit strange. Even as an Fi-user, I'm often frustrated by Fi in others. Since feeling is introverted, there's no helping the fact that it's subjective. That's all I can offer really. But it's good that you think moving on is a good thing. It sounds like you've had a crazy time in this situation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
And Fi works in adherence to its own moral code. If he feels as though he's working by his own rules, he won't necessarily think his behavior is wrong.
Thanks for your insight, heartofpompeii. What you said there was really interesting to me because I hadn't even considered it that way before. I've been assuming that he knows what he did was wrong, is feeling guilty about it, and is having internal turmoil over it. If there was ever a better time for me to pull a doorslam, this would definitely be it!
 
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