The Ever Unusual Evil Sibling Problems

Jayy Bird said:

How do I deal with my older sister?

My sister is eighteen, and I am sixteen, and I feel like I am older than her and forced to baby her and what not. I don't want to hate my sister, I want to really like her, but I cannot for the life of me get to a place where I permanently love her. Actually I can't even tolerate her lately. She's just so... childish. Maybe it's just because I'm "overly mature", to the point where I try to baby everyone, but I don't know.

Reasons why I simply cannot love my little sister:

She's eighteen and pretends that means she a 100% adult
She throws the most illogical tantrums, and not just every now and again, weekly, at least
Even if I am on her side and helping her, she will turn on me
She is prone to hit someone who does not do exactly as she says (and not a light slap on the arm or a tap of the fingers, pull out punch, slap on face, or kick)
She cries about everything
I've never met a more bi-polar person in my life, who knows if she really has bi-polar syndrome, but seriously we could be laughing about something and then all the sudden I've got nine bruises and a broken arm (not a true story, by the way)
Back to the violence thing, she's super violent, she beat me up in a parking lot (I actually blacked out) because I refused to do something unnecessary for her
She's so snooty
I'm liar, okay? I lie about things all the time, I also am selfish and even though I'm usually level-headed, I can explode with a terrible temper. My sister and I share this trait. The difference between her and I, is that when I'm done with my explosion, I go back to being calm and level-headed, she keeps on exploding. Another difference is that she will never, ever, ever apologize, and I am so guilty I might apologize for days on end
For whatever reason she has a god-complex

No, my sister is completely the anti-Christ, and I probably am still bitter about all the things she's done to me over the course of our childhood, but I've been trying more than anything to accept her as a sister that maybe one day I could actually hug at a family reunion. But I just cannot see that happening, not even when we are about to die...

By the way, I am the youngest of six children, I have four older brothers, and my sister is my closest sibling.

Click to expand...

It sounds like you both have some growing up to do, really. Wow. This is a really unfortunate circumstance. My own sister and I had never had it out in the way you describe. She was a hitter, but her violence was just cute and funny, and never out of control. I'd just be laughing.

This just sounds.. Dysfunctional, on both sides.

I'd suggest compromising when it comes to decision making. Sometimes you've got to do the unnecessary things. And maybe spend some time together sharing interests. For my sister and I, we liked playing video games together and watching television. See, if you're both stubborn and nobody's willing to compromise, you can't get along. So if she won't, then you have to. Sometimes leading by example is the best way to show a method that works.

If this ends with you bending over backwards and being a door mat, though, then obviously you should take a stand.

Try to understand things from her point of view-- Why is she acting the way she is? It might seem completely without logic or rationale, but everyone has a motive. Something that drives them. Try to understand your sister better, and maybe you can make this work out.

Don't depend on her to change, and don't make her depend on you to grow up or to stay in line and be an adult. She has to be allowed to make her own mistakes, however terrible those mistakes can be. You can't always be there to reign her in. Making mistakes is how we learn, and sometimes we have to do a lot of learning.

You're not responsible for the way she's acting, she is. You're only responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, and reactions.

That's my take on this.

Not that I recommend this idea over distancing yourself.

Step 1: Build a picture of your sister in terms of her self-perception, her frequented beliefs or good characteristics.
Even slip in a humble question as conversation prompts, "what does it mean to an adult/mature", "what do you think of these sort of people", "how do helpful attitudes arise"... might be a bit difficult to get people into those talks, but basically make her think about good values.

2: When bad vibes come knocking, don't tell her how she's conflicting with what she said, just behave how you believe is mature or react in the 'discussed' way.

3: Start telling other people, especially gossipers and when she's in earshot, what you respect, that you know your not very good at 'X' but a little leadership (paraphrased) from elder siblings helps you feel better about yourself/them.

Result: You force her to become aware of your perceptions, and how she can externally validate herself (by behaving maturely)... without putting yourself on a pedestal. Effectively manipulating her by providing her with a pedestal (which she can earn).