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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Well, here's my first thread I'm starting...and wouldn't you know it? It's a whiny one. Sorry about that.

It seems that since my boyfriend and I broke up in May, I've been happier in the sense that I'm no longer emotionally or physically abused, and feeling better about myself as I'm not made to feel worthless from the time I get up to the time I go to bed...but that's as far as my happiness has went.

I pretty much took care of him for nearly four years. Paid for everything from groceries to bills, to clothes, to his college to...well, anything that money could buy. In turn, I got no respect, no kindness, and no support. I just gave and gave and gave...while he took and took and took.

And every time I gave, I felt like this time he'll love me. This time he'll respect me. This time he'll appreciate my kindness. He never did. So in a sense, I felt like the last four years of my life were wasted until I had nothing more to give...and then he left me behind with all my nothing. Left me with all the hateful words he ever said and all the horrible names he ever called me.

I wallow around in this nothingness and it's overtaking me.

I feel as though I have no identity to myself. I can look in the mirror and not recognize the girl staring back at me. I couldn't tell you what her hopes & dreams are...what her ambitions are...or what will ever put a genuine smile on her face.

She seems like a stranger to me. Someone I have lost all touch with and forgot about, and this just breaks my heart.

I just seem to be floundering in life. With nobody to love, nobody to love me in return, and absolutely no idea what each day brings. Everyday I feel like I have to conquer this strange emptiness and everyday I succeed, but when I finally fall asleep the last thing I think about is "Am I going to make it through tomorrow?" I just can't take all of this nothingness.

An emotional or nervous breakdown always seems like it's two seconds away. I don't know what I'm accomplishing by writing this and I'm not even asking for any advice, I suppose. But it does feel better to get it off my chest and feel sorry for myself in an extroverted way.
 

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a breakup does that. it's normal to feel that way, empty. and as always, time will heal. try to do rutine things like working out, hanging with friends(or get some), start a hobby. i know it's mundane advice, but over thinking about things like these is not really efficient for most people. i suppose for feelers it can be helpfull to talk to other people about it too(friends or online by chat).
 

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I always say, when you love somebody you should be vulnerable with them, they -should- be capable of taking advantage of you and hurting you. However, if they love you back then they would never do it.

In all honesty, while I read your post, I actually admire a lot of the things you've done for someone you believed was right for you. While I've always liked you as a person on here, I feel like your sentiments have elevated my thoughts of you as well. As for the guy, he didn't sound worthy whatsoever, but his faults should never overshadow your strengths.

In essence, I would like to think that you should be proud of yourself for enduring those challenges. Many of the things you implicitly mentioned are some of the most attractive traits a woman can have.

As for your sentiments about nothingness, I'd like to say "just wait till you date a true romantic" and they'll restore your faith on a number of levels, but that doesn't do diddly for you now. I think you need to go jam out with the ladies for a bit, that doesn't mean whore yourself out, but add a sense of adventure to your life. If you want to do it alone at first, consider some long hikes or walks in the park. Once you've accomplished that, I'm going to recommend a complete swap and start watching corny love movies or reading novels. Let your creativity takeover and just imagine worlds or situations that just become a sort of goal for yourself. Never -settle- for anything less. Basically, use your passion towards achieving those goals and once you have them in sight, focus your passion on loving another with all your heart and soul again.

"Never frown because you don't know who will fall in love with your smile."
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I don't know how you do it, Lad, but you never fail to put a smile on my face.

Thank you.
 
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MOTM Dec 2012
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Well, here's my first thread I'm starting...and wouldn't you know it? It's a whiny one. Sorry about that.

It seems that since my boyfriend and I broke up in May, I've been happier in the sense that I'm no longer emotionally or physically abused, and feeling better about myself as I'm not made to feel worthless from the time I get up to the time I go to bed...but that's as far as my happiness has went.

I pretty much took care of him for nearly four years. Paid for everything from groceries to bills, to clothes, to his college to...well, anything that money could buy. In turn, I got no respect, no kindness, and no support. I just gave and gave and gave...while he took and took and took.

And every time I gave, I felt like this time he'll love me. This time he'll respect me. This time he'll appreciate my kindness. He never did. So in a sense, I felt like the last four years of my life were wasted until I had nothing more to give...and then he left me behind with all my nothing. Left me with all the hateful words he ever said and all the horrible names he ever called me.

I wallow around in this nothingness and it's overtaking me.

I feel as though I have no identity to myself. I can look in the mirror and not recognize the girl staring back at me. I couldn't tell you what her hopes & dreams are...what her ambitions are...or what will ever put a genuine smile on her face.

She seems like a stranger to me. Someone I have lost all touch with and forgot about, and this just breaks my heart.

I just seem to be floundering in life. With nobody to love, nobody to love me in return, and absolutely no idea what each day brings. Everyday I feel like I have to conquer this strange emptiness and everyday I succeed, but when I finally fall asleep the last thing I think about is "Am I going to make it through tomorrow?" I just can't take all of this nothingness.

An emotional or nervous breakdown always seems like it's two seconds away. I don't know what I'm accomplishing by writing this and I'm not even asking for any advice, I suppose. But it does feel better to get it off my chest and feel sorry for myself in an extroverted way.

Hey Sweetie Dee, I think many of us here can relate to your experience. It's not easy when you're such an idealist. There a many philosophies on the meaning of suffering, so I don't think there's an easy answer to your situation.

I struggle with my existence frequently, but I keep striving to make the world a better place. I know it sounds trite, but focusing on helping others has helped me to see the world in a different perspective. Every day there are people craving some sort of affection and they don't get it. It gives me a sense of satisfaction and pleasure in knowing I made a difference in one person's life. At the same time, I acknowledge my limitations and do the best I can with what I've got.

Be kind to yourself, love who you are and keep dreaming. Hope is all we've got. :happy:
 

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I don't get numb (empty, cold, and jaded) until a couple of months later.

Prior to the numbness it's as if I'm standing by the Three-Country Cairn;
Where the three kingdoms symbolizes anger, sadness, and hope,
and I keep on jumping back and forth between them until
it creates such a turmoil inside me that I freak out and break down.

But you're a nine,
you'll do fine.
Hmm, a rhyme.
Sorry,
not trying to be asinine.

*Shaking head to self, wondering why I wrote that*
 
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First, I'm so very proud of you for leaving such an abusive relationship - that is one of the hardest things in the world. You're amazingly strong, and I hope you are able to see and realize that soon.

Second, I was going to say something along the same lines as Lad, but he said it all far, far better than I ever could have. What I can tell you is that from my (very) recent experience, his advice is solid. I don't think my relationship with my (soon-to-be) ex was anything near as abusive as what you experienced, but it wasn't healthy by a long shot and I know I was used as well. I suffered from that empty feeling from March through... June? July? Somewhere in there. That slowly started to recede and to be replaced by a general melancholy, *shrugs*, drifting sort of feeling. If there was a future for me, it wasn't anything special or worth doing anything to change. There really wasn't a reason to think about finding a Happily Ever After because that just wasn't going to happen.

Then I wandered back over here for my monthly lurking and got dragged in by some of the posts and threads. My entire world was flipped upside down when I read this thread - INFP love letters and I decided that I wanted/needed to find that part of me again.

I'm not saying it's going to happen to you like that - but I know that there is something that will help to give you purpose, motivation, a reason to be. It's just a matter of time (As sad as it is to say, that saying is right, time does heal wounds, we just can't say how much scar tissue there'll be) and being willing to see or hear the things that Fate will put before you.

Third, have you thought about blogging/journaling, if you don't already? I've found blogging is even more therapeutic than journaling because writing to an audience, even if there most likely never will be anyone actually reading it, is easier than writing to myself, even as I write to myself in front of said invisible audience. Sorry if that doesn't make sense, but it's similar to like this thread or the confessions thread.

*hugs* I hope you get the chance to share your courage and love with someone special and deserving who can reciprocate it back to you soon. You deserve that more than anything.
 
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I love how smart & caring you people are. Usually if I have a breakdown in real life, people just tell me to "get over it and quit feeling sorry for myself." That's why I usually keep things to myself because I'm afraid of getting reprimanded for feeling...well...feeling anything.

I must admit, all your advice is much better than that. :happy:

What I've realized is that I bottle things up to the point where I just explode. Baring my soul and letting people in is very rare for me. Thank you for understanding.
 

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What you are feeling is universal and normal. It takes a while to return to your normal self again. Hell, I'm an ENTJ and I had similarities after (some) breakups (although I was younger so I don't know if I'm the same anymore). I'm not sure how long you've been together, but I recall someone telling me that it takes twice the time you dated to fully get over someone (or half the time or the same time or something). I digress, it takes a long time and lets just leave it at that.

Anyways, just my 2 cents for the road - avoid relationships where you think people will change. It never happens. As someone once told me, you can encourage existing behavior to be more prominent, but its next to impossible to change existing behavior.
 

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Bottling it up is the exact term for it, I was just afraid to use it.

I tend to relate to this song, always.


I find it hard to live with all my choices
It's time to turn a deaf ear to those voices
Did you ever think to ask my opinion
Did you ever think to ask if i'm ok?

I've burned down every bridge that i've found
Now i limit myself to a six gun quota
I've played down every feelin' i've felt
And i bottled them up 'til the well ran over

Give every indication that you're mended
Take every rule you come across and bend it
And did you ever think to ask my opinion?
And did you ever think to ask if i'm ok?

I've burned down every bridge that i've found
Now i limit myself to a six gun quota
I've played down every feelin' i've felt
And i bottled them up 'til the well ran over

It feels so good to be numb
I hate what i have become
It feels so good to be numb​
 
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Anyways, just my 2 cents for the road - avoid relationships where you think people will change. It never happens. As someone once told me, you can encourage existing behavior to be more prominent, but its next to impossible to change existing behavior.
That is so true. Some learn the hard way...I know I sure did.

Thank you.

MikeAngell, that song is awesome. Thanks for sharing it. Listening to it again for the 2nd time, and it won't be the last I'm sure.
 

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weka showed me this song "Rise Above This" in reply to my song "6 Gun Quota" a while back, and it made me curious to what the real interpretation behind "Rise Above This" was. So I read up on it, and apparently it's about Shaun Morgan's brother (The vocalist of Seether).

After Shaun Morgan's brother jumped off a building, commiting suicide, he made a song called "Rise Above This", mostly because of his parents, as if to say that at least he would mend, to reassure them that at least he would rise above it, since his parents were in fear of losing him too, knowing that he had Bipolar Disorder as well. Shaun Morgan broke down on set over and over again while they made this music video. And to be perfectly honest, I can't watch / listen to this song anymore without getting a lump in my throat, but it does have a positive effect on me when I do because it shows how much strength we have when it matters the most (e.g. to those around us).


Take the light, undarken everything around me
Call the clowns and listen closely, i'm lost without you
Call your name every day when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down but i'll rise above this, rise above this

Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know, this void will grow and
Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open
Feels so right, but i'll end this all before it gets me

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

I'll mend myself before it gets me
(i'll mend myself before it gets me)
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(i'll mend myself before it gets me)

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this
Forty eight ways to say that i'm feelin' helpless
Fallin' down, fallin down', but i'll rise above this, rise above this​
 
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