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To those who have "quality time" as a primary love language, how does it affect you when your partner spends quality time with someone of the same gender as you who is not your partner - whether for a coffee or a whole day or more?
 

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To those who have "quality time" as a primary love language, how does it affect you when your partner spends quality time with someone of the same gender as you who is not your partner - whether for a coffee or a whole day or more?
Um that's generally called cheating. Also called an emotional affair- again, otherwise known as cheating. At least that's how I saw it with my ex- and that's what it turned out to be. Gotta trust your instincts.

Of course if my true love, INFJ fiance were to do this, I wouldn't be worried in the slightest! But that is because we have complete trust in each other. And we have plenty of quality time together already, even when we're 1300 miles away. He's my best friend. It is a wonderful feeling to be able to trust someone perfectly.
 

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Um that's generally called cheating. ... Of course if my true love, INFJ fiance were to do this, I wouldn't be worried in the slightest!
But how to distinguish the difference? You mentioned having "complete trust". What was different with your ex that you didn't have that?
 

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But how to distinguish the difference? You mentioned having "complete trust". What was different with your ex that you didn't have that?
The ex made it clear that he didn't care about my feelings. I was really cool with opposite sex friendships- as long as I was included too! But when he started having female friendships that were exclusive of me- that's when I knew I had a problem. As long as everything is transparent I think it is great- healthy. Very healthy. I even understand if their is some private friendship stuff- like things about this person he can't tell me. But when he started spending quality time with her - i.e. going to the beach, taking her and her son out to dinners, buying her drinks, going on evening cruises together- um, sorry but that is cheating.

Of course would have been totally different story had I been invited. But I wasn't. And that was wrong. He eventually started spending holidays with her- which hurt more than if I had discovered them sleeping together. Good thing I called it like it was in the beginning or I would have been setting myself up for decades more hurt. Thank God that is all behind me now. It is a painful thing to face. Hope that is not what you are going through.
 

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My top result was Quality Time and my second was Physical Touch. I actually thought that Physical Touch would be first since I love to be touched, hugged, and to sleep near others, but it's not so much about intimacy - I just love the sensation of skin on skin and body heat....with anyone. So I suppose my result is accurate, since quality time is something that hinges on intimacy and personal closeness; it's more suitable as a language of love for me.
 

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To those who have "quality time" as a primary love language, how does it affect you when your partner spends quality time with someone of the same gender as you who is not your partner - whether for a coffee or a whole day or more?
I'd feel a little jealous (especially if the girl is his ex-girlfriend or ex-crush), and to take my mind off it, I go to spend quality time with my confidante, who's in a relationship with someone else. His partner isn't the jealous type, and neither is mine. I'd say it all depends on the context of it, and whether there's any feelings between one's partner and the other that they spend quality time with.
 

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MOTM Feb 2012
ISTJ 9w1
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Discussion Starter #211
To those who have "quality time" as a primary love language, how does it affect you when your partner spends quality time with someone of the same gender as you who is not your partner - whether for a coffee or a whole day or more?
I'd feel a little jealous (especially if the girl is his ex-girlfriend or ex-crush), and to take my mind off it, I go to spend quality time with my confidante, who's in a relationship with someone else. His partner isn't the jealous type, and neither is mine. I'd say it all depends on the context of it, and whether there's any feelings between one's partner and the other that they spend quality time with.
So basically, if your SO were to have an emotional affair (or more), you would take your mind off it by having an emotional affair yourself? There doesn't have to be romantic feelings, but if someone is continuously engaging with another opposite-sexed person, even if there is no physicality, it's the perfect recipe for an emotional affair.

- Inappropriate emotional intimacy. The partner being unfaithful may spend inappropriate or excessive time with someone of the opposite or same gender (time not shared with the other partner). He or she may confide more in their new “friend” than in their partner and may share more intimate emotional feelings and secrets with their new partner than with their existing spouse. Any time that an individual invests more emotionally into a relationship with someone besides their partner the existing partnership may suffer.
- Deception and secrecy. Those involved may not tell their partners about the amount of time they spend with each other. An individual involved in this type of affair may, for example, tell his or her spouse that they are doing other activities when they are really meeting with someone else. Or the unfaithful spouse may exclude any mention of the other person while discussing the day’s activities to conceal the rendezvous. Even if no physical intimacy occurs, the deception shows that those involved believe they are doing something wrong that undermines the existing relationship. In other words, if there was really no harm in meeting with a friend, both parties would feel comfortable telling their partners the truth about where they are meeting and what they are discussing.
I think bold is a good litmus test. Keep in mind this is just general information for the site, and everyone has to decide for themselves whether this is accurate in their situation or not.
 

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So basically, if your SO were to have an emotional affair (or more), you would take your mind off it by having an emotional affair yourself? There doesn't have to be romantic feelings, but if someone is continuously engaging with another opposite-sexed person, even if there is no physicality, it's the perfect recipe for an emotional affair.

I think bold is a good litmus test. Keep in mind this is just general information for the site, and everyone has to decide for themselves whether this is accurate in their situation or not.
Let's say in this case that for everything we say to each other, we both have difficulty with reciprocating appropriately to it, so we both have to turn to someone else for comfort, by confiding in them exactly the same things that we've told our partners first. Actually, I did tell him honestly about me confiding with my friend, and so did he tell me honestly about talking to his ex and friend. Would this still be considered an emotional affair?
 

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I adore this, thank you so much. :)

It seems I'm a little bit of everything, mostly words of affirmation and quality. I think my darling is quality and perhaps the acts of services. I will definitely keep this in mind!
 

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My languages are quality time and acts of service. I love sharing thoughts, insights, ideas and feelings. I spend a lot of time alone talking to myself for that reason. I wouldn't say I speak it fluently, sometimes I don't listen intently, but if I'm there it means I love you dearly. I also show love by helping people, specially with insights and my knowledge and cooperation, but mostly by not being a burden for them, being independent and self-sufficient and not asking too much. I think my parents speak acts of service and I don't like feeling like a burden at home. I do my chores and I want them to feel loved. I learned to be thankful and responsible. My best female friend speaks physical touch and it's hard to show her I love her because I'm not too touchy and intimate.
 

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MOTM Feb 2012
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Discussion Starter #215
Let's say in this case that for everything we say to each other, we both have difficulty with reciprocating appropriately to it, so we both have to turn to someone else for comfort, by confiding in them exactly the same things that we've told our partners first. Actually, I did tell him honestly about me confiding with my friend, and so did he tell me honestly about talking to his ex and friend. Would this still be considered an emotional affair?
Hmm. Well, it sounds like it could still be an emotional affair on both sides. It sounds like you both are doing it so you both think it is acceptable and okay, although it may not be. The fact that you say "comfort" instead of something like "advice" makes me think it's closer to the emotional affair side of things. Also, the litmus test above may not apply in this case because it sounds like you knew that he went off with his ex, so perhaps your decision to go spend time with your confidante was sort of a revenge move, in which case a person would want to tell their SO to spite them.

I obviously don't assume I can accurately assess your entire situation, but these are my thoughts with the information given. :)
 

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MOTM May 2011
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@justshy, @Powerhouse, @MBTI Enthusiast -

I'm a quality time person, so if I may chime in...

Emotional affairs are real and can cause great damage if the people involved do not recognize it and take steps to stop the progression of events. All of us are susceptible to this ... sometimes I think that we lose sight of the fact that almost all infidelity begins at an emotional level before it develops into other things.

The way to combat it is with transparency. The more you share openly with your partner, the less threatened they will feel. If you are engaging in behavior that will cause them to feel threatened and they find out on their own, it is detrimental to the relationship.

It's hard to be transparent - I know this from first hand experience. But it does de-fuse the whole situation. Let me share a personal experience:

SWMBO is an NF and prefers WoA as a love language, so she really seeks connection with others. Some 20 years ago she felt an attraction to another man that we both knew. SWMBO is much too wise to let something like this get out of hand, but the attraction was there. She didn't share it with me, but that niggling thing started happening in the back of my mind so I eventually asked her about it. She admitted the attraction and shared what she was feeling. I was somewhat mollified, but since I had discovered it on my own, I'm still guarded and watchful around that individual. Yes, we still see him, time to time, but a part of that guardedness is to minimize the number of events we attend where he is likely to be there (fun events - outside of a more professional setting).

Since then, SWMBO and I have done a ton of work on ourselves and trying to understand why we act the way we do in our interactions with each other, with the goal to be improving transparency and strengthening our relationship. Recently, SWMBO took a very brave step and openly confided in me that she was feeling an attraction to a friend of mine. I was clueless (I usually am) that she felt this way, and she was not happy to have this attraction - she feared that I would view it negatively.

Actually, I was pleased. Not because she feels this way and has this struggle, but because she trusted me enough to share it and that I can be a part of the process of her confronting these feelings. As a result, I don't feel threatened at all by this individual, we are still on great terms, and see each other regularly in various settings. Because of her confidence, I am reassured that I can trust my wife to recognize the trap and steer clear of it.

Regarding the issue of sharing information with others that you've already shared with your spouse, here's my take:

If you could share this information with one of several people that are in your life and the information is not confidential, then I'm not going to feel threatened. If you must share this information with a particular individual of the opposite sex, I'm concerned. If this is a repeated thing, I'm threatened. If you are turning to another person of the opposite sex for comfort, consoling, and understanding, we've got issues. If you do it without wanting to share the fact with your spouse, we're on the rocks.

HTH
 

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Gads... My primary language is Physical Touch closely followed by Quality Time. I live at least two hours from all the people I care most about, and I work at a prison - which is, for obvious reasons, a "no touching" zone. No wonder I feel like I'm being needy when I go away to a dance event!
 

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Hmm, I think I'm all these apart from the service one. Oops.
 
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