[Vanitas]

So, this is my first time getting to know an ISTP male, and I admire him for his down to earth, no-nonsense mindset. We get along pretty well. Having been around mostly N/SJ males, I think he's interesting.

But when I asked him to join my friends (because they've been hearing about him and would like to see for themselves) he refused. Why is this? These are my closest friends and I would like them to know him too, and vice versa.

Is this like, anything permanent? Or just the beginnings? Thank you.

 

[Starfish]

I'm an INFP, but your post caught my eye----I can tell you, if it were me, I would refuse too. Too much pressure! I'm an introvert! I hate people! Being with a group of people, especially ones who might have expectations of me or who I know are looking at me and "judging" me to be fit or unfit as relationship material=NOT HAPPENING. It is stressful in the first place to be amongst a bunch of people who are at a planned get-together (i.e. I can't escape without them noticing). Remember that your ISTP is an "I" and that his refusal is not a reflection of how he feels about you, it's in reaction to being in a position that he knows will make him nervous, uncomfortable, and stressed. Parties and such are NOT fun for an introvert, speaking for myself. Don't expect his reticence to change---it is a part of him. Hope this helped?

 

[Kadjunga]

it might change over time once he gets to know em one by one. But a full out new group of "friends" of someone who want to meet me. Hell no. Just no. Starfish said it quite well.

 

[Functianalyst]

So, this is my first time getting to know an ISTP male, and I admire him for his down to earth, no-nonsense mindset. We get along pretty well. Having been around mostly N/SJ males, I think he's interesting.

But when I asked him to join my friends (because they've been hearing about him and would like to see for themselves) he refused. Why is this? These are my closest friends and I would like them to know him too, and vice versa.

Is this like, anything permanent? Or just the beginnings? Thank you.

I agree with Starfish. If you expressed yourself to him the way articulated above, I would have immediately thought "I am having to be on display in possibly an unfamiliar environment with people I do not know, to be assessed whether I am worthwhile". Uh no..... On the other hand have you thought that those are your friends not his? Not sure if he is ISTP, but I personally would have no problem with you having friends separate of me. If I am having to be put through a vetting process, you had better be well worth it. Besides since you're only getting to know one another, he may be taking the relationship one-day-at-a-time therefore have not put too much thought into whether it will be long term. Trust me he's not thinking that far in advance if he is any sort of SP.

 

[chiagirl27]

There are few situations more uncomfortable for me than when I'm the odd man out, on display for "everyone" to meet and "get to know". OMG I hate that shit. Last year I visited a friend of mine out of state, and while there one of HER friends had a birthday get together at some chain restaurant. I had to go, because I was at my friend's mercy. Everyone wanted to shake my hand and ask me questions, they'd already "heard so much!" about me, and they wanted to MEET this interesting person their friend talked about. So not only did I have to meet people and try to keep names straight, but I felt pressure to be "interesting".

After about ten minutes, I went over to the bar and took a seat, with my back facing the rest of the get together. I just couldn't take it. Ended up talking to the bartender to pass the time. When my friend said it was time to leave, I literally jumped out of my seat and practically ran to the door.

I honestly would not have minded meeting one or two of her friends at a time. But to have them all descend upon me at once was far too much pressure, too claustrophobic, too touchy-feely. Way too much forced smiling and chit-chat. The stuff nightmares are made of.

 

[DJArendee]

a quote from the ISTP faq:

"We're not your monkeys."

 

[Starfish]

Everyone wanted to shake my hand and ask me questions, they'd already "heard so much!" about me, and they wanted to MEET this interesting person their friend talked about.

YIKES!!! Ewwww!! Hate it hate it HATE it:crazy:

 

[madhatter]

I agree. Going into a situation where I know no one, especially large groups...yuck!

My ENFP friend did something similar with me. I would go to these bonfires and get-togethers of hers, and she would tell everyone, "remember that girl I told you about, who did this and said that...this is her!" Then the spotlight would be on me, and I remember feeling very awkward and uncomfortable, and I didn't know what to say or how to act. I probably looked like an idiot.

 

[DJArendee]

Oh its so weird being thrust into groups of new people. I find I just sit there and watch how everyone behaves and I naturally start to adapt to suit their behavior. But this process takes a couple hours. Its so wierd. In the meantime, I just sit there quietly and pretend to not feel awkward.

 

[Tim7]

ISTPs are a bit of a paradox. Though we like and crave new challenges and experiences, we tend to keep our circle of friends small, and not always receptive to change. - don't like to leave our comfort zone.

 

[madhatter]

Oh its so weird being thrust into groups of new people. I find I just sit there and watch how everyone behaves and I naturally start to adapt to suit their behavior. But this process takes a couple hours. Its so wierd. In the meantime, I just sit there quietly and pretend to not feel awkward.

I do this, too! I think it really confuses people. I'll be sitting there, taking it all in, not saying much, then after I become acclimated to the situation, I'll become more involved in the conversation. The people will get this look, as if they are thinking, "Where did that come from?"

Also, if I know one person there, it's easier to socialize, because I can play off them. I think that's the only reason I drag my INTJ brother around. :crazy: He brings out a good side in me.

 

[chiagirl27]

^I do the exact same thing. Sometimes it's futile - the people in the group are just annoying or they're talking about shit I could give a rat's ass about (handbags and shoes - whether it's actually about handbags and shoes or not, couldn't tell ya - but all I hear when women start gabbing is "handbags and shoes"), and I'll just go off somewhere else and find something to do. But when it's a decent mix of people, I observe interactions and slowly warm up. Dead silent until I find my comfort zone. At which point, I can be quite sociable - and, yeah, everyone's like "oh shit, IT TALKS!"

 

[Vanitas]

...Alright. Totally didn't think of it that way. I consider getting to know my/their friends as willingness to go deeper into someone's world, afterall, you can tell how someone is like from the sort of people they keep as friends. And, I actually think it's a good sign, it's like knowing they're not trying to hide you from people close to them.

Honestly, by not 'attending' like this, he's losing approval points from my INTJ best friend. I know, you're not our (or anyone's?) monkey, but would you blame me (or anyone's) reservation when someone doesn't seem to have any interest in knowing the kind of people are around you and the sort of world you live in?

Yes. Ideally, one should not be judged by the potential partner's friends, but well, it's a fact of life. Otherwise there will come a day where I have to choose between my partner and my friends, and I'd rather prevent that day coming altogether.

BTW, I offered to introduce them one-by-one.

 

[DJArendee]

Hmm. It could be a simple difference in opinions. He sees the only thing important to be you, yourself, and you. Perhaps you view your friends as a part of who you are and want him to meet them as well?

Otherwise maybe you could just give it more time? Wait a little longer?

What was his reason for saying no? I'd get a straight forward answer out him him before pointing fingers. Maybe he's had a bad experience with super judgemental friends.

Your friend is an INTJ... they're super judgy. ISTP probably has dealt with this treatment before and wants nothing to do with it.

But once again, all of this is speculation until you get an actual answer from him. And he isn't going to give you an answer until you assure him that what he says will not hurt your feelings. Be prepared for a direct answer to your questions.

 

[Starfish]

Hmmm. Losing points w/a friend of yours by not attending. Sounds like a lot of pressure. It is also a "fact of life" that some people don't want to know a wide range of people: that they are comfortable with the few they have. If someone gave me an ultimatum that they would walk away if I didn't make an attempt to meet their friends, it would be ME fucking walking away. Nothing personal, just tired of societal pressure to be a pack animal. It's an "E" vs. "I" thing.

 

[chiagirl27]

If you want a guy in your life who is all about meeting your friends and being sized up by your girlfriends, perhaps ISTP is the wrong type for you.

There are so many reasons not to want to meet the friends. 1) he doesn't see it as being all that important, or he's creeped out by being judged. 2) is it early in the relationship? maybe he doesn't want to become a concrete part of YOU with your friends right now, in case things don't work out? It's hard enough to let one person down, but to let a whole group of girlfriends down is a whole other ball of fun. 3) how are you asking him? if it's being put in an ultimatum type way, his natural response is definitely gonna be stubborn.

Why don't you let it happen naturally? Make plans with your FRIENDS and if he wants to see you, he can join in. That way the ball is in his court, and he's not being pressured into something he knows will make him uncomfortable.

Judgy people don't win points with me in any way. A friend of mine is married to an INTJ, and she's damn near impossible. I can only stand being in her company for about three minutes at a time - it takes her that long to get through the chit chat and onto being a complete bitch and assaulting my peace. So even if he does meet her, don't expect them to get along famously.

If your INTJ friend doesn't approve of him after they meet... how will that affect your relationship with the guy? Does it matter what she thinks?

 

[ClarifiedMind]

...Alright. Totally didn't think of it that way. I consider getting to know my/their friends as willingness to go deeper into someone's world, afterall, you can tell how someone is like from the sort of people they keep as friends. And, I actually think it's a good sign, it's like knowing they're not trying to hide you from people close to them.

Honestly, by not 'attending' like this, he's losing approval points from my INTJ best friend. I know, you're not our (or anyone's?) monkey, but would you blame me (or anyone's) reservation when someone doesn't seem to have any interest in knowing the kind of people are around you and the sort of world you live in?

Yes. Ideally, one should not be judged by the potential partner's friends, but well, it's a fact of life. Otherwise there will come a day where I have to choose between my partner and my friends, and I'd rather prevent that day coming altogether.

BTW, I offered to introduce them one-by-one.

I didn't meet my husbands friend and a close family member until after we were married and had kids! I figured I'm married to him not his friends and family therefore it really didn't matter if I met them or not. I know it sounds a bit harsh but that's how I felt and still feel. I mean it's nice to meet them but it's really not a requirement. If I found out that you had reservations about me because I didn't want to meet your friends right away I would have reservations about the entire relationship! What that says to me is that you are more concerned about what your friends think of me instead of what you think of me and that's not a good foundation to build a relationship on.

Before I had gotten married I was dating this guy for about maybe a month or two. It was right before Thanksgiving and I told him that I was going to visit my mother. He got all beside himself because I wasn't going to spend it with him and his family. I dropped his ass like a hot potato. That freaked me the hell out because not only was he moving a little too fast but he wanted me to meet his entire family! Kids and all...to me that didn't seem normal. To others maybe but to me no way. And he got pissed off because I didn't want to go and that really sealed the deal.

 

[Vanitas]

Nothing personal, just tired of societal pressure to be a pack animal. It's an "E" vs. "I" thing.

That's acceptable. Nothing personal, I suppose.

Why don't you let it happen naturally? Make plans with your FRIENDS and if he wants to see you, he can join in. That way the ball is in his court, and he's not being pressured into something he knows will make him uncomfortable.

*nods* Noted. It might be too soon from his side of the fence, I understand that ISTPs are more one step of a time people? I'm more used to the.. assessing prospects way of approaching something. Like I said, this is the first time I get to know an ISTP, I usually date INTxs. I will try to see it more from his perspective.

If your INTJ friend doesn't approve of him after they meet... how will that affect your relationship with the guy? Does it matter what she thinks?

Of course it matters, but how much it does depends. Mostly on how strong my feelings/ preference for someone in question, and how sound her arguments are. She knows she can't 'overrule' a decision I wholeheartedly make, however 'stupid' it may be, but I also trust her to be a second opinion when all these feeling-business confuse my little ENTJ head.

Though they say in the end ENTJs (I) tend to do whatever they want, but in my case counsel from trusted friends is always appreciated. (If they're not, I'll say so *shrugs*)

If I found out that you had reservations about me because I didn't want to meet your friends right away I would have reservations about the entire relationship! What that says to me is that you are more concerned about what your friends think of me instead of what you think of me and that's not a good foundation to build a relationship on.

.. I don't think it's exactly 'right away', but that's understandable. Will have to think about what that implies more before responding properly, though.

 

[ClarifiedMind]

How long have you guys been dating?

 

[Linnifae]

Oh its so weird being thrust into groups of new people. I find I just sit there and watch how everyone behaves and I naturally start to adapt to suit their behavior. But this process takes a couple hours. Its so wierd. In the meantime, I just sit there quietly and pretend to not feel awkward.

I can relate to that and I'm an extrovert. I prefer to be around people than to be alone, but when it comes to new people I need to ease into situations and size everyone up first.