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Inspired largely by this thread and this comment in particular.

It makes me think how I don't find it a good measure of success to say that what is successful is what lasts.
This treats many satisfying relationships as failures because they are no longer maintained and I think this attitude is certainly evident in those that maintain that marriage is inherently good and so on without actually examination of the content of the relationship.
I tend to think that success should be based on the nature of the relationship over time, not merely it's conclusion. Many relationships end not even on bad terms and weren't unsatisfying relationships but we move on from one another for different reasons, these weren't failures because they're no longer maintained.

So it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, any interpersonal bond, but what features of your relationships do you consider to be successes? The pieces of which you considered good to have experienced.

Perhaps you had a partner with whom you had misaligned life goals so it ended but you were pleased with what you shared. Perhaps a school friend with whom you lost contact with as you both became more entrenched with education, career, family and so on.
Maybe it was from a relationship that went sour but you still proud of the great moments you had.
 

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Most of my relationships have ended on bad terms and/or been unhealthy, which sometimes leads me to be cynical about all relationships. Even in cases where the two people simply aren't compatible, if one or both are very emotional/reactive it tends to be a huge mess when breaking up, and tends to dig up a lot of other issues/wounds which overshadow the actual cause of the breakup and turn into a fight.

I guess I consider a relationship to be a success if it meets the needs of both people for the duration, and causes more good than harm. So far I've had perhaps three relationships like this, and two of them were strictly FWB/sexual without an option of long-term romance, where we both understood it had to end after a time. The third was a very healthy relationship which seemed to have potential for long-term or marriage, but we weren't quite compatible enough. I wish that all my relationships could be like that - a simple matter of compatibility. Instead most of them end in me finding out that the other person is a liar, a drug addict, emotionally manipulative, etc. and then that turns into a large amount of emotional turmoil.
 

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Inspired largely by this thread and this comment in particular.

It makes me think how I don't find it a good measure of success to say that what is successful is what lasts.
This treats many satisfying relationships as failures because they are no longer maintained and I think this attitude is certainly evident in those that maintain that marriage is inherently good and so on without actually examination of the content of the relationship.
I tend to think that success should be based on the nature of the relationship over time, not merely it's conclusion. Many relationships end not even on bad terms and weren't unsatisfying relationships but we move on from one another for different reasons, these weren't failures because they're no longer maintained.

So it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, any interpersonal bond, but what features of your relationships do you consider to be successes? The pieces of which you considered good to have experienced.

Perhaps you had a partner with whom you had misaligned life goals so it ended but you were pleased with what you shared. Perhaps a school friend with whom you lost contact with as you both became more entrenched with education, career, family and so on.
Maybe it was from a relationship that went sour but you still proud of the great moments you had.
Well since many of the post comments in the thread you referenced were made by me, I have to think I must have failed to convey my thoughts and feelings properly based upon your conclusion of it. I can't think of anyone I would rather be with than my husband. We have been together through thick and thin. In sickness and in health. I have always known, that even when times are rough, I could count on him and he could count on me.

I read so many stories on PerC of the great loneliness that so many suffer through. The emptiness they feel as they search for someone who will love them in spite of their warts and pimples. Job or no job and I feel such sadness for them as I think about the loneliness and heartache they must endure. It makes me feel guilty at times for the petty little things that trouble me. I feel ashamed at times for taking for granted what I have with my husband. I have someone who will always be there for me, and I for him. We have had our problems, but we have persevered through them, and will continue to work through any future problems together. There is great comfort in knowing that no matter what we will be there for each other. When we feel overwhelmed by life and its difficulties, we can retreat into each others arms and treasure what we have and know that only death can take it from us. 30 years later, and I would still choose to say I do.
 

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Every single best friend who left me for a romantic partner. While many people have no luck in romantic relationships, I suffer the same fate in platonic ones. My past romantic partners had been good to me expect for one. Now that my partner is also my best friend it's all working out.
 
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Inspired largely by this thread and this comment in particular.

It makes me think how I don't find it a good measure of success to say that what is successful is what lasts
If you are talking about lasting relationships... its supposed that if both get along and if things are "all right" the relationship should go on and on, ending on marriage and family, kids etc. But I believe we can have GREAT relationships even if we break up, I mean: happy, sharing and perhaps finding there is no future together but dealing with it in a healthy non hurting way. In that case the beginning of the relationship might qualify as good, the relationship too and the ending too, but it just didn't last.

On the other side, based on what I understand of your words (another interpretation) is, what's good... should last. I mean stability, the good things that are not just honeymoons on relationship. If it doesn't last it's not real. My past relationships have ended (honestly) based on difficulties on compatibilities, challenges. Only my last relationship is different: filled with so many nice things but didn't last, she is like a total diff person than the "original", so, stability is needed, truly, honestly.



I tend to think that success should be based on the nature of the relationship over time, not merely it's conclusion. Many relationships end not even on bad terms and weren't unsatisfying relationships but we move on from one another for different reasons, these weren't failures because they're no longer maintained.

So it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, any interpersonal bond, but what features of your relationships do you consider to be successes? The pieces of which you considered good to have experienced.

Perhaps you had a partner with whom you had misaligned life goals so it ended but you were pleased with what you shared. Perhaps a school friend with whom you lost contact with as you both became more entrenched with education, career, family and so on.
Maybe it was from a relationship that went sour but you still proud of the great moments you had.
Oh yes I have several like that. Two of them remain as best friends, like my sisters, they are amazing good friends, we kinda tried, had romantic involvement, had minor issues, even sex life together then carried on, and still good friends today: no sex, no games, just mutual support, it's amazing.

One of them is very stable, just as *me*, we do not vary too much under diff circumstances (yes we are human and flexible, we just try to keep a line), the other one had issues, she wasn't too emotionally stable but that woman is amazing and overcame many of her challenges, she has a lot to teach (she taught me a lot). So they are very different but amazing, we can even spend the night together with no traps, no sex, no cheating. I'm happy to say they are an important part of my life. The good things? we give and receive, there is mutual support.
 

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Most of my relationships have ended on bad terms and/or been unhealthy
Nice thing to point out here: not projecting on you or saying you fit this, just taking advantage of something you said on a positive way and sharing a bit:

Most of us (if not all) are educated to believe that ending a relationship should hurt and must not be a clean no-issues process. Just like we are educated to feel pain when someone dies (it's not actually 100% true). So, sometimes things begin it's end and we fight, we oppose to it or we participate on constructing conflict so... it hurts. Hurting because we miss someone and we would like to spend more special moments together is a separate thing. On the same angle a lot of people are influenced to believe love must have constant sex, or money, or etc...

I felt that influence and even when things ended and didn't feel hurt I searched why, you know because conflict was part of break ups, right? nope. But yes, some endings have conflict and some endings come because of the conflicts.
 

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In a way we hold those we love the most on a higher standard. Think about your parents' attitude towards you. They love you and want you to be the best you can be. We place similar demand on a spouse or someone we want a future with.

Friends we won't be as demanding but still demand certain qualities like loyalty and honesty.

The further out of the circle the less we make demands. I expect my building superintendent to do his job well. That's all. I don't think about his characters or private life.



In a close relationship, the "bad" times were only the result of putting demand on the person. Once the demand is not longer there, there's only the good to remember.
 
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Nice thing to point out here: not projecting on you or saying you fit this, just taking advantage of something you said on a positive way and sharing a bit:

Most of us (if not all) are educated to believe that ending a relationship should hurt and must not be a clean no-issues process. Just like we are educated to feel pain when someone dies (it's not actually 100% true). So, sometimes things begin it's end and we fight, we oppose to it or we participate on constructing conflict so... it hurts. Hurting because we miss someone and we would like to spend more special moments together is a separate thing. On the same angle a lot of people are influenced to believe love must have constant sex, or money, or etc...

I felt that influence and even when things ended and didn't feel hurt I searched why, you know because conflict was part of break ups, right? nope. But yes, some endings have conflict and some endings come because of the conflicts.
Much of the reason it's hard for me to end on good terms is my attachment issues. Instead of leaving as soon as I see the problem, I get afraid of being alone, so I try to either force them to admit/fix the problem or try to force myself to ignore it until it does serious damage to both of us. Instead of them having a characteristic which I recognise to be something I can't live with, suddenly they're doing something evil and even malicious which is getting in the way of our otherwise perfect romance. @[email protected] So what should have been a clean break becomes a huge series of fights toward the end of a relationship which neither person is quite ready to give up on. And in the rare event that a man leaves me because of some incompatibility he notices in us, I take it really personally as if he's "abandoning me" or being cowardly and giving up too soon. Which then leads to me trying to overcompensate for incompatibilities way too much as well.

Basically, dating people sucks when your entire family emotionally abused and abandoned you as a child. I want to feel like part of a family more than anything, and when I fall in love I project that onto them. I guess the only solution is to just live with being alone until I get used to it. :(
 

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I never try to think of my ended relationships as mistakes. Nobody is truly a mistake in your life, even if things don't work out, they were what you wanted at the time and there's always something to learn from the process. That being said, I consider all of my relationships to be successful in one way or another.
 

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what features of your relationships do you consider to be successes? The pieces of which you considered good to have experienced.
All of them. Each one was just another detour into the strangeness which is me. Each one an opportunity to commit to something or walk away from something. Mostly I chose commitment to my own sanity and walked away from the relationships. But it's only in relation to others that you can truly know yourself.
 

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I think it's a mistake to think long lasting relationships mean they are successful. Some long lasting relationships are successful and some are not. My parents marriage is an example of an unsuccessful lasting relationship. It's better to be alone than in a bad relationship. My relationships with my sisters are good but I wouldn't call them exactly successful. I still love them. I'm still on good terms with them. But we never call in and talk to each other. We didn't split off or stop talking to each other purposely. Life happened. We have successful relationships, in that, I know I can trust them and they can trust me and each other. Our lives just aren't together.
 

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I never try to think of my ended relationships as mistakes. Nobody is truly a mistake in your life, even if things don't work out, they were what you wanted at the time and there's always something to learn from the process. That being said, I consider all of my relationships to be successful in one way or another.
Nice approach.

I think it's a mistake to think long lasting relationships mean they are successful. Some long lasting relationships are successful and some are not. My parents marriage is an example of an unsuccessful lasting relationship. It's better to be alone than in a bad relationship. My relationships with my sisters are good but I wouldn't call them exactly successful. I still love them. I'm still on good terms with them. But we never call in and talk to each other. We didn't split off or stop talking to each other purposely. Life happened. We have successful relationships, in that, I know I can trust them and they can trust me and each other. Our lives just aren't together.
I agree.

To (try) to contribute to the thread explaining a bit of what I mean is, a lot of people measure life for relationships, in short: it means a lot to them and they try to hide what they call or thinks it's a failure, even it's easier to say "we all" try to make it work, so... it's not why people are together or apart, it's their motives. Just like Twitchie says. I could add, a lot of people stay together in bad relationships because they think "we overcome those issues and despite all those problems we stay, it proves we love each other". Just as my first comment: be aware and prepared to amazing explanations that might make sense (but aren't real). I came across what I just wrote on examples of bad relationships, people who think a relationship must include problems and it's a proof of love to stay, and can't deal with it if they have no problems. Sorry if I'm confusing you but most people measure love by how much hurt they can stand, and without pain they think things aren't wrong. It's very interesting to hear and read examples of how couples cover their problems in overcompensations, that's why I think it's tricky to explore their reasons on "why they are successful", it's like jail "we are all innocent here"...
 
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