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MOTM Nov 2009
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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Simply because we could always do with more ENFP-INTJ threads. It is in my attention that there is a 'handbook' similar to this in the INTJ forum, but also to my knowledge, there appears to be none fine-tuned to the pair in question. So I think this is deserved.

Differences

The ENFP/INTJ relationship is considered the 'ideal match' by Keirsey. This is because they do not match in all but one letter, which he considers the most important: the Intuitive/Sensor divide.

In addition to the letter differences, the functions of the INTJ and ENFP are similar in that way. The INTJ's function are Ni-Te-Fi-Se, and ENFP's functions are Ne-Fi-Te-Si. Although both N-dominant via their Introverted and Extroverted Intuitive functions, the types also use their absolute function opposites in second and third varying positions - Introverted Feeling as well as Extroverted Thinking. Since the tertiary function doesn't truly become balanced until a person's twenties or thirties, these functional differences may lead to plenty of disagreement and conflict unless measured.
The ENFP Appeal
Bright, exciting, optimistic - that is how the ENFP first appears, and the INTJ may be quick to dismiss the ENFP as just another bubbly person, but something about them is different than all the rest after that first appearance. The ENFP may present initially as a social butterfly who cares for everyone, but the INTJ may notice something different when observing how the ENFP 'molds' to both friends and strangers, hinting at something larger than first expected. This is a frustrating, but exciting, prospect: although the INTJ prefers direct interaction, the style of the ENFP can present a challenge. If there are only a few things an INTJ loves, a puzzle is certainly one of those things.

Later within the relationship, platonic or romantic, the INTJ can achieve a true glimpse into who an ENFP really is. The outward, projected image that drew the INTJ forward may be only a touch of the surface - however, this does not necessarily annoy them. This only makes the ENFP much more interesting, and may even give the INTJ a newfound sense of interest as well as pride in knowing that they are regarded important enough to be given a further look into the ENFP. What the INTJ sees, through learning more about the ENFP, is a passionate person capable of independent and creative thought, but that the same time, guarded in their approach to people, much as they themselves deal with the world. In becoming closer to the ENFP, the INTJ finds that, despite their obvious differences, there are greater, but hidden, similarities between the two individuals than previously thought before.
The INTJ Appeal
Mysterious, reserved, analytical - that is how the INTJ first appears, and the ENFP may be quick to dismiss the INTJ as just a quiet nerd, but something about them is different than all the rest after that first appearance. The INTJ may present initially as a superior man or woman who only just tolerates the presence of others, but the ENFP may notice something different when observing how the INTJ expresses a sudden and dominant interest at a sudden topic, hinting at something larger than first expected. This is a frustrating, but exciting, prospect: although the ENFP is not always as interested in others at first assumption, the style of the INTJ can present a peculiar puzzle to figure out. If there are only a few things an ENFPs loves, an interesting challenge is one of those things.

Later within the relationship, platonic or romantic, the ENFP can achieve a true glimpse into who an INTJ really is. The outward, projected image that drew the ENFP forward may be only a touch of the surface - however, this does not necessarily annoy them. This only makes the INTJ much more interesting, and may even give the ENFP a newfound sense of interest as well as pride in knowing that they are regarded important enough to be given a further look into the INTJ. What the ENFP sees, through learning more about the INTJ, is a serious person capable of independent and creative thought, but that the same time, guarded in their approach to people, much as they themselves deal with the world. In becoming closer to the INTJ, the ENFP finds that, despite their obvious differences, there are greater, but hidden, similarities between the two individuals than previously thought before.
The Relationship
A romantic relationship between an INTJ and an ENFP may be more difficult to manage than a regular friendship, as with most type relationships. INTJs are known as one of the most independent types, being of an individualistic nature with their minds attuned to more 'logical' matters before anything else. ENFPs are known as one of the most enthusiastic types, being of a people-oriented nature with their minds attuned to the more 'personal' matters before anything else. Despite the similarities presented, ENFPs and INTJs are truly unique types of their own, and as such, have very exotic romantic relationships that, if not checked, may deflate as the passion from the differences wears and the true, everyday nuisances of these differences emerges.

The biggest need of an ENFP in a romantic relationship is understanding. To the INTJ, this may, at times, be interpreted as smothering or suffocating. This is simply not true, however: the ENFP desires to gain understanding both of their partner and themselves through the relationship, and if their INTJ partner is able to understand and accept them as who they are, this can be one of the greatest gifts the ENFP can receive. That is what truly makes the relationship unique - an understanding offered between the two that is not shared with anyone else. If this is offered, then the ENFP will be more open and happy than if the need were suspended or rejected by their partner.

The biggest need of an INTJ in a romantic relationship is independence. To the ENFP, this may, at times, be interpreted as rejection of the ENFP and of the relationship in general. This is simply not true, however: while the INTJ desires independence in general, support from their ENFP partner, offered while still allowing them to be independent, is one of the greatest gifts they could receive. That is what truly makes the relationship unique - the duality of independent parties within the relationship, but also with a system of support offered to no one else. If this is offered, then the INTJ will be more open and content than if the need were suspended or rejected by their partner.

In INTJs, the potential trouble area is that ENFPs may suffer and feel imposed upon by the INTJ's logical approach, which may make the ENFPs feel that they must compensate and somehow become more logical than they already are. If INTJs are not there emotionally for ENFPs, the relationship is downhill from there. The solution, therefore, in conjunction with the ENFP, is for the INTJ to push themselves to be more available to the emotional needs of the ENFP, even if it feels unnatural or odd to do so. Not only will the relationship benefit, but an INTJ may begin to see the world in an improved way, with more of an eye to the emotional aspect.

In ENFPs, the potential trouble area is that INTJs may suffer and feel imposed upon by the ENFP's emotional approach, which may make the INTJs feel that they are being suffocated and not given enough room. If ENFPs are not able to rescind on their approach, the relationship is surely downhill from there. The solution, therefore, in conjunction with the INTJ, is for the ENFP to push themselves to be more open to the INTJ's side of things, and willing to truly rescind on some of the demands they felt they were owed. This does not necessarily mean giving up on any individual needs the ENFP has, but if the ENFP is able to understand the INTJ's side, not only will the ENFP benefit from a more open worldview, but the relationship should improve within that area as well.
Functional Analysis
Dominant: The dominant function of an ENFP, Extroverted Intuition (Ne) is matched with the dominant function of an INTJ, Introverted Intuition (Ni). This is where the functions of the INTJ and ENFP harmonize, creating a similar approach that both can easily understand. The dominant, or first function, of each type usually begins natural development before direct awareness, balancing out by the early childhood years. Since Ne and Ni are both the major perceiving functions of each type, the addition of a dominant function that is not over-used or incorrectly developed can allow similar, but not exact, understanding between each individual. When the dominant function is over-used or incorrectly developed, the relationship of an INTJ and an ENFP can become abrupt and confusing, with both types directly failing to understand each other.

Supportive: The supportive function of an ENFP, Introverted Feeling (Fi) is matched with the supportive function of an INTJ, Extroverted Thinking (Te). This is where the functions of the INTJ and ENFP clash, creating major differences within each party. The supportive, or second function, of each type usually begins natural development within the early childhood years, balancing out by the time of the teenage years. Since Fi and Te are both the major judging functions of each type, the addition of a supportive function that is not over-used or under-developed can allow creative differences between each individual without necessarily creating friction from too much difference. When the supportive function is over-used or not correctly developed, the relationship of an INTJ and ENFP can directly suffer as a result.

Tertiary: The tertiary function of an ENFP, Extroverted Thinking (Te) is matched with the tertiary function of an INTJ, Introverted Feeling (Fi). This is where the functions of the INTJ and ENFP meet up, offering insight into the perspective of each party. The tertiary, or third function, of each type usually begins natural development within the early teenage years, and can come on strong or not at all, only truly balancing out in the twenties and thirties. Since Fi and Te are both the major judging functions of each type, the addition of a developed tertiary function can lend amazing understanding into both worlds, but without it, an INTJ or an ENFP may find themselves confused or even annoyed at the judgments of the other person within their relationship.

Inferior: The inferior function of an ENFP, Introverted Sensing (Si) is matched with the inferior function of an INTJ, Extroverted Sensing (Se). The inferior functions of the ENFP and the INTJ generally do not create any functional conflict between the types, as both do not usually rely on the functions in a natural way. The inferior, or fourth function, of each type usually begins natural development in the forties and fifties of a type, and the balancing of the function usually varies between individual. Since Se and Si are the minor perceiving functions of each type, the addition of a developed inferior function may help in more practical application in the relationship. Specific situations may suffer as a result of under-developed inferior functions, but without it, the relationship of an INTJ and an ENFP does not generally suffer, but may improve with the addition of the inferior functions developed.
How To Treat Your ENFP
Whether romantically involved with an ENFP or possessing of an ENFP within your inner circle, there are a few universal methods an INTJ can employ to ease communication and create or maintain a good relationship that not only works for ENFPs, but are good methods to use for other relationships as well. The important thing to remember is that compromise is key: the ENFP you have in mind should not have to change themselves entirely, nor should you be expected to, either.

  1. Be considerate, and be sensitive. INTJs can frustrate ENFPs, as mentioned earlier, with their direct approach which, at times, may be insensitive and hurtful to the ENFP. In a darker turn, the INTJ may become argumentative and aim to truly hurt, attacking sensitive issues with no hesitation. This is not a tactic for most INTJs, but it can be. When interacting with an ENFP, don't be so concerned with logistics and serious matters - ENFPs may appreciate a more light-hearted approach, and as human beings, are surely capable of taking in serious issues when necessary. Being sensitive to their feelings, whether they seem affected or not, is an approach that will surely be appreciated by the ENFP.
  2. Respect the differences. If you were initially drawn to an ENFP due to how interesting they were because of their differences, you may be surprised to find that these differences can annoy you after some time, and even begin to wear down your relationship unless these differences are understood and respected. INTJs are introverts, and ENFPs extroverts; INTJs are thinkers, and ENFPs feelers; INTJs are judgers, and ENFPs perceivers. With these differences covered previously, it may seem simple, but the differences can be one of the hardest parts of the relationship.If positive differences are encouraged, however, and negative differences worked on, the relationship between an INTJ and an ENFP can flourish like never before.
  3. Consider the needs. ENFPs have a very specific set of needs; things that, when fulfilled, keep them happy and enthusiastic in interaction with the world, and when unfulfilled, leave them frustrated and tired. The needs of an ENFP are very different from those of an INTJ - for example, ENFPs are very people-oriented, and may prefer to deal in and immerse themselves in the world of people, whereas an INTJ may find they are more content with systematic values. While compromise is the bedrock of any good relationship, there are certain, non-negotiable needs of both parties to be considered, although the amounts can be discussed. While more fine tuned to a romantic relationship than a friendship, an ENFP may truly feel better when issues and problems are discussed and change happens, and especially appreciative for the concern of the INTJ party.
How To Treat Your INTJ
Whether romantically involved with an INTJ or possessing of an INTJ in your repertoire of friends, there are a few universal methods an ENFP can employ to ease communication and create or maintain a good relationship that not only works for INTJs, but are good methods to use for other relationships as well. The important thing to remember is that compromise is key: the INTJ you have in mind should not have to change themselves entirely, nor should you be expected to, either.

  1. Be direct, and be honest. This is a large frustration with ENFPs, as mentioned earlier. Not only can an ENFP be indirect to be polite or simply to be sensitive to another person's feelings, in a darker turn, an ENFP may evade and lie using the same methods. This is not a tactic for most ENFPs, but it can be. When interacting with an INTJ, don't be concerned with hurting their feelings or saying something they won't like - sooner than later is usually their preferred approach.
  2. Respect the differences. If you were initially drawn to an INTJ due to how interesting they were because of their differences, you may be surprised to find that these differences can annoy you after some time, and even begin to wear down your relationship unless these differences are understood and respected. ENFPs are extroverts, and INTJs introverts; ENFPs are feelers, and INTJs thinkers; ENFPs are perceivers, and INTJs judgers. With these differences covered previously, it may seem simple, but the differences can be one of the hardest parts of the relationship. If positive differences are encouraged, however, and negative differences worked on, the relationship between an ENFP and an INTJ can flourish like never before.
  3. Consider the needs. INTJs have a very specific set of needs; things that, when fulfilled, keep them content and optimal in interaction with the world, and when unfulfilled, leave them resentful and frustrated. The needs of an INTJ are very different from those of an ENFP - for example, INTJs are incredibly individualistic, and require space and alone time to be at their best, whereas an ENFP may find they operate best when being allowed quality interaction time with others. While compromise is the bedrock of any good relationship, there are certain, non-negotiable needs of both parties to be considered, although the amounts can be discussed. While more fine tuned to a romantic relationship than a friendship, an INTJ may appreciate being direct to discuss issues and problems such as these, and especially appreciative if brought forth by the ENFP party.
 

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Nice. Although, I tend to not look at these "ideal match" things when deciding whom I will or will not date. If I like a person, I like them - doesn't matter whether they're ENTP, INFJ, or whatever. These sorts of things are just interesting to look at for comparisons and such.
 

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MOTM Nov 2010
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In my ENFP/INTJ relationship the communication was excellent. We never had "a fight". We just would discuss and try to see each other's perspective. But I was in my 30s and he was in his late 40's.

He also worked on himself in many ways as I did. But here are some of the things I saw him do:
Read books on and watched documentaries on Body Language
He belonged to a Speech club where his speeches were constantly critiqued.
He "put himself out there" by taking new classes on how to approach people and be a "better salesman."
He got me hooked on MBTI and gave me the book "Please Understand Me" (I called it a manuel on him) at beginning of relationship.

I think he was a very healthy INTJ who also knew how to give caresses, do "little gestures" ,and say "I Love You".

Damn I miss him:sad:
 

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Nice. Although, I tend to not look at these "ideal match" things when deciding whom I will or will not date. If I like a person, I like them - doesn't matter whether they're ENTP, INFJ, or whatever. These sorts of things are just interesting to look at for comparisons and such.
Interesting, albeit scrutinizing the compatibility between such types would benefit you greatly; as keircy ascribes to the chemical intricacies that occur between the two types thoroughly.

Man, I love you grey :proud:
 

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enjoyed it, thanks
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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Pfft! Nobody likes INTJ/ENFPs! That is why they are the ideal match for each other - they got nobody else! ;)
It makes much more sense now! Epic, I will gladly keep all the INTJs. :3
But really, it's completely untrue. We all know us ENFPs gets all the ladies.
 

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It makes much more sense now! Epic, I will gladly keep all the INTJs. :3
But really, it's completely untrue. We all know us ENFPs gets all the ladies.
Mmm Hmm.

The segment below Quoted For Truth. The ENFP whom I spend most of my free time with has this problem with not being direct with me. It's quite annoying... He seems to prefer that it take a while for me to figure out the truth instead of just letting me react to it immediately, so that I can deal with it and move on. It actually causes me more pain when he lies, omits, or exaggerates than it does when he is just upfront with me. He wastes a lot of my time by behaving in ways that he thinks will protect me, and is missing out on a huge opportunity to build trust and respect with me.

I also have to consider that there have been times he has told me things when immediately my brain wanted to ask if this was something I should try to solve or resolve instead of just empathize with the ENFP on a sensitive, emotional approach. It is difficult for me to never say my rational side of a matter, even difficult to stall saying it until I've sympathized appropriately. The whole, "This is how you may feel about it, but this is how the real world feels and what the real world thinks about it." which the ENFP doesn't want to hear- unless it's entirely positive, supportive and an encouragement to the ENFP's goals.

In that regard, I cannot just sit back and expect the ENFP to make adjustments; I have to find ways to show the ENFP that I am trustworthy and accepting of the truth no matter how bleak or stressful or seemingly derogatory to my character. I have to demonstrate to the ENFP that I can handle it both in how I communicate my emotions in reaction and in the actions that I choose to take in response to what I am told and in response to what the ENFP's actions/in-actions and words are.

INTJs can take personal criticism, but I prefer constructive criticism from a perspective that isn't entirely selfish (based on the ENFP's needs but no one else's). Usually, my ENFP opens with, "I understand that you do this for _____ reason and I see how you could think that works best for you, but you should consider that _____." Such communication is a clear indicator that the ENFP is being considerate of my perspective and rational needs, not just their perspective and their emotional needs, which makes it easier for us to exchange ideas and feedback. I can see that the ENFP has been doing some critical thinking and problem-solving with real world things considered, which is admirable and helps me a lot in our relationship. It can get tiring being the one who most often thinks in real world applicable terms, just as it can be tiring for the ENFP to most often be the one to consider feelings, first.

There truly is a lot of compromise but I feel that it's healthy and very balancing. As the article states, there are things which should be compromised and things which should not be compromised. I should never discourage my ENFP from having social contacts even if I feel threatened by them (my feelings can be talked about and resolved- I won't always feel threatened, but the ENFP will always need that social outlet). Similar to how the ENFP should not force social activity upon me- I should be given a choice with pro and con aspects to consider, not pressured with emotions or guilt-tripped into participating. If I need time alone, the ENFP should respect that, while at the same time making sure that's what I want by asking me directly, not assuming.

It's a particular challenge to have to make adjustments for a personal relationship while avoiding the complications that such adjustments can bring about in professional settings were the social behaviors of my personality to change (spending more time with people and dealing with their emotions can slow down measurable workplace productivity, but in some cases when done right can increase employee morale which could theoretically increase productivity).

How To Treat Your INTJ

  1. Be direct, and be honest. This is a large frustration with ENFPs, as mentioned earlier. Not only can an ENFP be indirect to be polite or simply to be sensitive to another person's feelings, in a darker turn, an ENFP may evade and lie using the same methods. This is not a tactic for most ENFPs, but it can be. When interacting with an INTJ, don't be concerned with hurting their feelings or saying something they won't like - sooner than later is usually their preferred approach.
  2. Respect the differences. If you were initially drawn to an INTJ due to how interesting they were because of their differences, you may be surprised to find that these differences can annoy you after some time, and even begin to wear down your relationship unless these differences are understood and respected. ENFPs are extroverts, and INTJs introverts; ENFPs are feelers, and INTJs thinkers; ENFPs are perceivers, and INTJs judgers. With these differences covered previously, it may seem simple, but the differences can be one of the hardest parts of the relationship. If positive differences are encouraged, however, and negative differences worked on, the relationship between an ENFP and an INTJ can flourish like never before.
  3. Consider the needs. INTJs have a very specific set of needs; things that, when fulfilled, keep them content and optimal in interaction with the world, and when unfulfilled, leave them resentful and frustrated. The needs of an INTJ are very different from those of an ENFP - for example, INTJs are incredibly individualistic, and require space and alone time to be at their best, whereas an ENFP may find they operate best when being allowed quality interaction time with others. While compromise is the bedrock of any good relationship, there are certain, non-negotiable needs of both parties to be considered, although the amounts can be discussed. While more fine tuned to a romantic relationship than a friendship, an INTJ may appreciate being direct to discuss issues and problems such as these, and especially appreciative if brought forth by the ENFP party.
 

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I apologize for getting slightly off topic, but is there anything similar to this about the ENTP/INTJ relationship? From my own experience, it seems like this could be a pretty good match as well. Plus... I'm rather taken with a young ENTP gentleman at the moment and am curious about what has been said about that particular match.
 
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MOTM Nov 2009
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Surely, on the surface, at least. The big difference will come in with the functions (Ti and Fe instead of Fi and Te). This may allow the INTJ to relate more easily to the ENTP.
 

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I don't know if I would want to be with either an Introvert or someone with the judging characteristic. My mum and sister are both judges and some of my friends are too, and they drive me crazy. I think the world is full of possibilities and I don't want someone to ruin that for me. I should probably read more about the types though. I guess it would be worth dating one of these people to see if they really are "ideal".
 
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