[Dennitsa]

Of course, as an ENFP, I love being out there, walking through the garden of life, gathering exciting, new and meaningful experiences in my basket. However, dating isn't really my thing. I see it as a box I'm expected to fit in, while I'd much rather just let things be from the moment I meet someone. In my mind, it's supposed to be a flow that noone is having or attempting to have control over, e.g. I'm out in a remote area of Southern Europe with my backpack, having the sun in my back, watching sunrises and sunsets, meeting fascinating people on my way and there he is, that special one with his backpack, smiling at me as if we've seen each other before, we start to talk and I'm so into that flow, I'm no longer registering anything in my environment, we could have reached the end of the continent for what I know, but who cares anyway where the road leads us as long as we can keep being in each other's presence. And sure, after that initial out-of-this-world romance it might work out in real life, too, or it might not, but that moment it all starts is completely random and contains all the possibilities life can offer. That's how I'd rather have it.

I know dating isn't my thing and yet I went on and did it anyway for about a month. The box came with a manual containing the rules - people's expectations about what the outcome should be, how much of myself I should reveal and when, what happens in which stage (you can't skip stages or you'd freak people out), etc. It sucked. So tonight I'm in my rare state of wanting to bail on the world in a last attempt to rebel against everything that's superficial and everything that's defined not by my own personal choice.

I'm thinking, because of my ideals, my imagination, my depth and my intensity, I'll probably not be understood and loved in the way I want to, ever. And that makes me really sad.

I did have movie-like romances, just nothing ever stuck/grew to become that big thing I was dreaming of.

What I'm saying is... There were and will always be men in my life who will want to love me. I might love them back. I just fear love in real life will never be as amazing as I imagine it in my mind.

Have you felt like that? How did you make it work with your ideals and real life?


P.S. When I wrote "bail on the world" I meant withdraw from dating and relationships with men, don't call 911! I love life way too much to be going anywhere! :laughing:

 

[clementinekruczynski]

As an INFJ, I know EXACTLY what you mean. I'm the epitome of Hopeless Romantic. The way you described meeting someone special is exactly how I met my ENFP with the exception of a different scenario.

It's out there. Our relationship has been very picture-esque, almost something like you'd see in a movie. Granted, it's only been three months since we initially met, but I promise, it CAN happen. I never believed that it would.

Do you mind if I ask your age?

 

[Dennitsa]

As an INFJ, I know EXACTLY what you mean. I'm the epitome of Hopeless Romantic. The way you described meeting someone special is exactly how I met my ENFP with the exception of a different scenario.

It's out there. Our relationship has been very picture-esque, almost something like you'd see in a movie. Granted, it's only been three months since we initially met, but I promise, it CAN happen. I never believed that it would.

Do you mind if I ask your age?

Thank you for commenting, it feels really nice to be understood.

I've had a fair share of picture-esque romances, I know such do happen, they just never lasted for me.

I'm turning 33 in November.

 

[clementinekruczynski]

Thank you for commenting, it feels really nice to be understood.

I've had a fair share of picture-esque romances, I know such do happen, they just never lasted for me.

I'm turning 33 in November.

Ah, I'm in my late 20's, but my ENFP is 34.

And I understand what you mean. I've never had that before. It's new to me. I told him that I was afraid that he could ruin me. We shall see.

 

[Dennitsa]

From how you talk about it, it feels that whatever happens, it's going to be worth it. What you're experiencing is absolutely amazing and I hope it grows into something even more amazing.

I've never been discouraged for too long and always bounced back, no matter what. Tonight I'm just contemplating the idea that it could be our ideals coming in the way. But how can we let go of them, who would we be without our ideals?

 

[Llyralen]

There are some very happily married (or paired-up permanently) people on this site. I'm one of them. Not that life hasn't had its ups and downs, but I love my husband more than ever and I feel like he and I are both growing a lot lately and it's good-- like still exciting and my love for him still growing. It's dynamic. So 14 years. I did need to find a NF for sure-- I know not every ENFP needs to be understood, but I did and I recently told my story in another thread. My husband worked fast after we met-- maybe read the "am I reading too much into it?" thread? A mature INTJ might work too after developing their tertiary function of Fi. It can all happen in our NF way. Our NF way is situational and not by the books. It will be fun to see. Where you headed now hun? Moving to Southern Europe? I notice a lot of people are calling their mother "mum". Am I on a predominantly English website? I'm in the states, but as you know I used to live in Denmark. * a hug to you* All will be well, I think.

 

[Falling Foxes]

There are some very happily married (or paired-up permanently) people on this site. I'm one of them. Not that life hasn't had its ups and downs, but I love my husband more than ever and I feel like he and I are both growing a lot lately and it's good-- like still exciting and my love for him still growing. It's dynamic. So 14 years. I did need to find a NF for sure-- I know not every ENFP needs to be understood, but I did and I recently told my story in another thread. My husband worked fast after we met-- maybe read the "am I reading too much into it?" thread? A mature INTJ might work too after developing their tertiary function of Fi. It can all happen in our NF way. Our NF way is situational and not by the books. It will be fun to see. Where you headed now hun? Moving to Southern Europe? I notice a lot of people are calling their mother "mum". Am I on a predominantly English website? I'm in the states, but as you know I used to live in Denmark. * a hug to you* All will be well, I think.

Nah, a lot of the people here are still N. American. But, yeah, I suppose we have a fair few Brits, never enough. I'm guessing I was one of those people using 'mum'? ;P

 

[Falling Foxes]

I'm out in a remote area of Southern Europe with my backpack, having the sun in my back, watching sunrises and sunsets, meeting fascinating people on my way and there he is, that special one with his backpack, smiling at me as if we've seen each other before, we start to talk and I'm so into that flow, I'm no longer registering anything in my environment, we could have reached the end of the continent for what I know, but who cares anyway where the road leads us as long as we can keep being in each other's presence. And sure, after that initial out-of-this-world romance it might work out in real life, too, or it might not, but that moment it all starts is completely random and contains all the possibilities life can offer. That's how I'd rather have it.

Damn that's beautiful. I wouldn't mind something like that.

And I seriously hope I'm not looking into my future here. There seems to be two types of ENFPs here. The ones who drift searching for something that they know they probably won't find and the ones who know what they want and got it. Wish I was so sussed.

I'm still hopeful that what I am looking for in life isn't impossible but it seems to make me forever restless.

 

[Tridentus]

You have to retain that idealism, while learning to love the gritty reality of life at times. It's when you get this balance right, that life starts to feel settled and make sense in my experience so far.

My experience of learning what the meaning of my life (including dating) is broadly this: I started like most ENFPs with that raw idealism, when I realised this was not practical I overcompensated in the other direction for a short while (which is natural imho), and then naturally started to find my balance in the middle after a while. Initially it was very tricky and unwieldy, I felt unsure of where that balance was, but after several years of conscious practice, it becomes more sub-conscious and natural (honestly I'm only describing how ANY skill in life is learnt).

Nowadays I still make mistakes, but the mistakes are smaller, and I can feel myself narrowing myself down year by year, and becoming more and more stable and settled with my life course. Still a long way to go, but I've certainly made progress- I'm only 26 and allowing myself time to develop rather than insisting I must be who I want to be NOW makes all the difference. It's NOT something you can do overnight with one magical realisation- that I know for certain. You have to work on yourself and continue to try to improve for years, and things do get easier and easier.

 

[Alissia]

Yes, i feel the same way ....I want to have the world feel nice and have harmony...but feels very against me at the moment

 

[Llyralen]

Nah, a lot of the people here are still N. American. But, yeah, I suppose we have a fair few Brits, never enough. I'm guessing I was one of those people using 'mum'? ;P

I love the Brits! All of it. I've always had a real particular love for Welsh culture and people, though. My parents are there on vacation right now ( we are not rich. Lol. This is a once in a life-time trip) and hubby and me go to sleep listening to reruns of Would I Lie to You.

 

[wubalubadubdub]

I know what you mean. And I'm an INTJ.

 

[Falling Foxes]

I love the Brits! All of it. I've always had a real particular love for Welsh culture and people, though. My parents are there on vacation right now ( we are not rich. Lol. This is a once in a life-time trip) and hubby and me go to sleep listening to reruns of Would I Lie to You.

Wales! That's surprising! Most people forget or don't even know Wales is a country! That's cool. I quite enjoy that show too.

 

[andy969]

However, dating isn't really my thing.

See? So you don't like dating yourself. :dry: For basically the same reasons. Why did you expect "us" to want to go on one here then. :mellow::tongue::wink:

 

[Dennitsa]

See? So you don't like dating yourself. :dry: For basically the same reasons. Why did you expect "us" to want to go on one here then. :mellow::tongue::wink:

Nooo! It might look like I'm contradicting myself, but I'm really not. See, I was playful in my thread, but I did say "I want to go out with you", not "date", and I'm pretty sure I mentioned something like "I want to be in the same room and see what happens". So it was really meant to be open-ended.

that moment it all starts is completely random and contains all the possibilities life can offer

What I was going for was removing the random element, but still having that freedom of welcoming all possibilities life can offer.

Of course, I'm ultimately looking for a partner (INTJ or not, my curiosity for INTJs doesn't mean I'm limiting myself), but I'd rather keep things open until they take their own shape. E.g. we might become that over time, or we could be friends, or we could have the most amazing conversation and never meet again.

I've been travelling a lot lately, so maybe I almost caught you! I was in Luebeck (still have sand in my shoes from Travemuende and the Lichterzauberfest) and I'm now in Berlin. Come on, time is running out as I'm moving to Munich in a month. roud:

 

[Llyralen]

That sounds wonderful! Traveling is so important to me. I can imagine it being important to most ENFPs. Like-- there's no better education than traveling--broadens and inspires the mind. Everytime somebody talks about where they have lived or been on here, in just fascinated. How are you liking it? Any interesting rid-bits about culture and what-not?

 

[Ultra Violet]

Exactly. Following those set of rules during dates makes me clumsy in a way that I might freak the other person out. Especially since I don't have a filter of my true self in the beginning, I'm pretty raw lol. Thankfully, I'm with a person who won't follow those rules and do what we think is fun, adventurous, and memorable. roud:

 

[Dennitsa]

That sounds wonderful! Traveling is so important to me. I can imagine it being important to most ENFPs. Like-- there's no better education than traveling--broadens and inspires the mind. Everytime somebody talks about where they have lived or been on here, in just fascinated. How are you liking it? Any interesting rid-bits about culture and what-not?

Sorry it took me so long to reply, Alesha! My move has been overwhelming, I'm still not off the emotional rollercoaster.

I love traveling, but usually when I get to spend enough time somewhere to properly feel the place. Though I sometimes love just being on the road, which is why I did a couple of long backpacking trips on my two feet across the country. Landscapes changing around me, being alone with my thoughts and imagination (my imagination is especially entertaining when walking through deep forests close to sunset on my own :shocked::laughing: ), meeting other passengers, sharing stories and experiences, then maybe the road meets us again (with some we are eternally connected). I like traveling for the reasons you mention, but also because it completely takes me out of my everyday environment, I like to fully disconnect and for a while feel like I'm living another life. Not that I don't like my "everyday" life (I do like it a lot), it's just really exciting to try other lives from time to time, and holidays are a great opportunity for that.

I've been living in Germany for years and hmm, something interesting about the culture here is the so called "Freikörperkultur" or free body culture, according to which people get naked quite often, e.g. there is such a thing as nude hiking (nope, that's not the hiking I do... yet!). I come from another open-minded European country and I recall a time when the US President came for a visit and we were instructed to cover our billboards with hot ladies in underwear along his route, so that he doesn't get caught on camera with them in the background. I'm also used to seeing naked women in daily newspapers just after the crossword puzzle, so I wasn't impressed when I saw that in Germany as well, but the nude hiking and naked people in the sauna here was definitely a new experience. That AND the amount of German guys I shortly dated who turned out to be somehow involved in the porn/sex industry. :laughing:

People here are very open when it comes to nudity and sex, but not when it comes to casual social interaction. For some it's easier to get laid than to have a real conversation. Guys don't register women when they pass by (or acknowledge them for a second only, which is very difficult to the untrained eye to catch), so many foreign girls complain they don't feel appreciated here. Men are tall and handsome. However since they aren't very social, chatting up strangers is something that doesn't really happen often.

I mostly enjoy the differences. I feel my ENFPness is somehow restricted here, which has been healthy and really useful for my growth, but also sometimes quite limiting. I've been up north, though, moving now to the south, curious to see how that will go. I wonder if going further south than that would be a good idea at some point, it could be a lot of fun, but maybe also make me go back to old habits of younger ENFP behavior. Could be interesting to check. )) After that many years in the North, though, southeners are too loud for me nowadays. :tongue:

Another interesting thing about the culture here are Sunday rituals. Shops are closed, everything is quiet, people gather for coffee&cake time (that's how it's literally called and they make some of the best cakes ever!) and to watch the Sunday crimi show on German TV. It's so cute. :mellow:

 

[Llyralen]

What a great description! It sounds lovely to go hiking in the forest in Germany! I love hearing about different cultures. I found these cute Dating without Borders... they tell you a lot about a culture. Of course, you know German culture by now, but I thought I'd share. There's one on almost every culture.

 

[Arzazar Szubrasznikarazar]

"Contact with alien races always renews one's faith in humanity. It is my belief that foreign travel narrows the mind wonderfully." Warhammer 40,000: Rogue Trader, pg. 41