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Ladies and gentlemen after several discussions of the potential of INTJs to block someone out from their lives partially or completely when we have 'had enough' of their presence I thought it best to document some examples for prosterity, amusement and the learning of others.

Example:

I had a friend who is now an actor and somewhat ESFPish. I came to befriend this gent because he was frequently picked on during high school which I began to find unacceptable. For many years I happily endured his need to constant hang around and talk about things while I was usually busy with whatever was going on in my head.

By the end of high school he seemed to have developed a nasty habit of being unable to distinguish between reality and fantasy turning his life into an elaborate and ever decreasing circle of lies and oddities. I found this unacceptable and eventually he took a step too far by telling a lie or two about a girl I was very friendly with and who would later become my ex.

After this I simply broke off all communication and have not spoken to him ever since going so far as to ignore him when by chance I saw him no less than 2 meters away in the centre of a city. I consider myself generous for having allowed him to add me on facebook and have not conversed with him at all. He probably wonders what he has done but I view it as completely irrelevant to tell him because my mind is set.
 

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I sms'ed a former colleague last year who was very clingy and kept trying to get me to go to lunch with her. Whenever I did, she told the same boring stories about the same boring topics over and over again. Whenever I tried to change the topic, she'd find a way to talk over the top of me and bring it back to her topics. It was so irritating.

I tried every subtle hint in the book to get a bit of distance but she didn't pick up. Eventually she sent me an invite to her baby shower. I would have felt like such a fraud going to a baby shower for someone I didn't care about. I sms'ed to say I thought we were at different stages in our lives and didn't really have much in common but I wished her well. She didn't take the doorslam too well, she pushed me for an answer. I said if she wanted the truth, then she talked and talked without ever listening. Never heard from her again.
 

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I suppose I can contribute mine.

I've had many moments where I would close myself off from a person usually because I would find their presence either a bit too overwhelming or incompatible in some way. Of course, those had been mostly minor cases compared to the bigger ones I've had.

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Long ago, I had an ex who I had broken up with since 1st year of HS. We remained good friends until end of high school. We did not break up because of relationship conflicts, but because of family issues. My family heavily disliked her family. They could not get along and this caused us both extreme distress, so a break up was necessary.

During the years we have remained friends, she was often depressed with her family's issues. They were abusive and irresponsible, hence my parents' dislike. I often hung out with her to provide her with any comfort, despite my inability to be emotionally comforting. It seemed that just being in her presence was all that was needed for her to cheer up. Things were fine for the time being. I could still space out and not talk when I was following her around. There was not much for us to talk about really. No matter how many times I juggled with her problems in my mind, I could not come to a proper solution, at least one suitable for her.

Things finally got out of hand when she slowly unleashed the bottle of emotions onto me. She constantly bugged me when I was busy. I must have had over 20 missed calls from her per day (not even an exaggeration). I helped her every now and then, but I was starting to become extremely stressed out. It was constant demand for attention from her, something I cannot provide. I couldn't help but thought that she was using me as she seemed to have little to no regard to my own being. Soon, I was slowly finding myself distancing away from her. I turned off my cell phone and avoided contact with her during high school (We both went to separate schools, so that wasn't too difficult).

Later in the year, I found out from my best friend that she started contacting him instead. Being an ENFP, he provided her with better emotional needs than I did, but even he eventually became sick of it.

I was sorry for her predicament, but there was nothing I could do. I had exams for college entrance to think about. I had parents to satisfy in terms of my grades. She was a good g/f and friend, but I had to do what needed to be done for my own sake and mental sanity.
 

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I guess I can contribute as well.

6 years ago I got pulled out of school for health reasons. My mother (INFP) became very worried about me as I spent an increasing amount of time by myself. She was certain that I would commit suicide. Her way of fixing "the issue" was by setting up a "play date" with a girl the same age as me (16) that lived across the park. I eventually caved in to my mother's whims and met up with the girl (lets call her R). We found out we shared some interests, and I felt that she was okay.

For the next year we were inseparable. We shared a love of film, goth lifestyle, and debated about new age theories. I thought she was marvelous. Admittedly R was a little on the *not the brightest star in the sky* side but she carried it off with such style. It didn't bother me that I could not really have an intellectual conversation with her, I just took her how she was.

When I was 17 I met my first proper love. Let's call him A (INTP). He was big into the goth scene, dark eccentric, romantic, intelligent, charismatic. (God, I love INT men so much!)
R did not appreciate me meeting somebody I could bond with (both intellectually and physically). She did not approve of the relationship I had with A. Our friendship slowly drifted apart because of her jealousy.

By the time we were 18 our friendship was almost non existent. R decided she wanted to see the world, so she packed up and went back packing through Europe. A and I had broken up, INT relationships can be rather complex. While she was away I had grown a lot as a person. I had gotten an education, finished my trade, made a new circle of friends, moved out of home, and found myself in and out of several relationships before settling on my current one.

When R returned to Australia she was very much into drug using. Ice, Acid, E's, whatever she could get her hands on. She started ringing me at 3am in the morning crying about being some incredibly dramatic event. It become a common occurrence these 3 am phone calls. She attempted suicide more then once. Got a job as a skimpy, and expected me to be totally okay with this. Her attention seeking behavior got out of control.

The last straw happened one night at 2am when I got a phone call from her sobbing saying she was covered in blood sitting on the side of the highway. I drove around for 3 hours looking for her thinking the idiot had hurt herself. When I found her she was a complete wreck, high on what ever she had recently taken. Turns out she had cracked her boyfriends head with a brick, and was covered in HIS blood. Jesus! Enough was enough.
I took her home, cleaned her up and put her to bed.

The next morning when she had recovered I sat her down on the bed and told her that I would not be seeing her anymore, that this was the last straw. She cried and begged me to change my mind.
For the next 2 years she'd send me texts asking how I was, telling me she'd changed. I never answered any back, never returned her calls. Finally she got the message. I haven't heard from her in over 18 months now.
 

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Do any of us not have a story?


I think it was in grade 9 or 10 or somesuch, she had hooked her claws into a friend of mine, then one night, he phones me up saying she's in "trouble", and me, being the gullible fool I am actually thought that there was a problem. So after this she had sunk her claws into me, it took me a while (too long really) to finally come to the realization that she was simply making all of her problems just so she could have the sympathy and attention. Before I had come to this realization I tried telling her that it was all her fault, that she was the one creating her problems (I guess I didn't understand that she already knew this).

She was asking me to help her with some problem (maybe she was pregnant, or about to kill herself, or someone had just beaten her up or some such), and I simply said "no" hung up the phone and promptly ignored her existence from then on.

But I'm glad that this happened, because now I know what those people are like, which allows me to easily avoid them.
 

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O_O I almost feel bad because you all have stories for why you cut people out of your lifes. I just do it every now and again because I simply dont get how if you hang out with someone once they seem to drag you into their clique, and it's inescapable until you ditch them completely and then you get sucked nto another. I mean, sometimes i do it if somebody gives me a reasons, eg they become a bullying half wit, but sometimes i do it just randomly. If they're a good friend then they know enough to wait and if i feel like it i'll ping them a mail in a few years have a coffee and meet up like nothing happened or i just wont contact them.

One time a friend (?) of mine started picking on this weenie kid and i ended up stepping in & sorting it all out (verbal warnings and a minor scuffle) and then i never spoke to her again. Or the weenie, who decided to become unnaturally clingy to me.
But that's pretty much the only time an actual situation forced me to do the doorslam. Normally it's random or they just develop into idiots and i walk out of their life. Some people you cant door slam, like sisters you live with and are too emotional to see reason (extraverted and very emotional, exfx?), so then you have to develop a system to deal with them or just be straight and hope they dont throw a hissy and get you in shit. I'm counting down the years until uni when i can finally cut all ties and start up somewhere new. Maybe Military so i keep moving...
 

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This is a thread worth reviving. I have my piece of story.

I have an ENTP friend of 6 years. She was the younger sister of my elder brothers friend, and so we knew each other since we were 9. It was an ok friendship, but then we had our own bunch of friends. We got close when I first got into high school, and we were in the same class, and I was a friendless person and was struggling. She had another close friend which I until today am not fond of, we were a threesome since then, with ENTP friend being the core. I know she and friend B are much closer than we could ever be, but I didnt mind. Until about March this year, I went into a depression loop and I kind of drifted away, which I do on a regular basis for alone time. The problem was that I drifted away for a month, and she didnt come to look for me or text me, nothing. And then it all struck me in one single heavy blow that it was always me that was trying to keep things moving.

I decided to test her. On facebook chat I asked her if she wants to read a story I wrote. I actually had a story, but when she said no and she was busy, I decided that it was the perfect time to test her. I told her that its now or never. She said another time. I told her she could have a hand in story development, still no. I told her that if she doesnt help with the story, it would have a bad ending. Knowing me, she told me all my stories have had endings. I knew where things were heading, and delivered the final blow. I told her it was a story where she was involved. She still rejected.

The only thing I can say is that she chose the ending because she didnt care, I wont too then.
 

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Awww, you know, I lost more putty cats tats that way!

I'll just revive one which now I prolly regret. I got really close to this girl and we were like inseparable yet she was older than me and about to get married. At one point I told her that she had feelings for me and we should try something, she instantly started "i love you like a brother" etc...
I told her "You're lying, it's more than that" and left.
After couple of failed attempts to contact me she eventually shows up at my door after a few days, I open and go
"What do you want?"
"Yeah, I did lie, I'm an idiot, i have feelings for you, we should try it"
"Ok" - doorslam (literally)
:kitteh::kitteh::kitteh:

I just somehow hope she's ok, I haven't heard from her since (more than 10 years).

 

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. . . a bullying half wit
ksnrrrkk. i do sometimes do the instant doorslam and not explain why, but i don't like myself much over it. it seems impressive i guess, if you want to look at it in a certain way, but most of the time i have this sub-current of knowing it's either lazy or cowardly. kind of thing that looks better in a movie or on the screen inside somebody's head than in the cold light of regular life.

i do find it difficult to 'explain' to someone i've come to dislike or mistrust why i dislike or mistrust them now. it's not so much a fear of confrontation itself, more just the fact that i don't LIKE them and i fiercely fiercely resent showing any of my internal world to the folks i don't like. so i don't much like feeling like i'm accountable to them in some way for whatever i do.

i'm a bit inconsistent with it. if i'm overwhelmed or not feeling as solid about my own self as i'd like, i tend to duck this thing too. but i can usually tell (eventually) when i'm justifying myself to myself :wink:, so it's an uneasy thing. if the person is someone i really do care about, who has the potential to make me unhappy somehow, it might take me a while before i cross that line between 'don't want this to happen' and 'let's get on with it and get it started so i can do the dealing with it'. but usually . . . yeah, i do. or i hope i do. the alternative is to take the loss anyway, because stuff that i don't get settled keeps me further away.

with people i really don't like, who i'm not going to reconcile with no matter how well they respond, it's more difficult. the trouble with telling someone what's on your mind is that people usually expect there will be some kind of reconciliation once the thing's been addressed. i hate walking into that; it feels like i'm setting them up with a mean bait and switch. if i know all along that at the end of it all i'm still going to be done like dinner with them, it's just so extremely awkward. i really have to butch up and make myself do the Right Thing. getting to grips with someone i still care about is like yanking out the wiggly tooth, but doing it with someone i really feel distaste for is . . . it feels like when you take a deep breath and plunge your hand into that cold scummy water you've been 'soaking' the dishes in for three days, to pull out the plug. do it cause i have to, but there's nothing about it i like. and being done doesn't cause the same sense of relief and reward for having done the hard stuff.
 

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I have friend since 2008, and we've become so close and fond of each other. There were times that I really need his presence because he has a calming effect on me. There were also times that he didn't care, but I cared for him so much.

Now that I don't make an effort, he said he misses me and wanted to talk to me. I guess, I've just given up the thought that he's my real friend, and that I should go all by myself alone, and won't talk to him especially if I have a problem. I sometimes feel guilty, but I've grown tired of being the stupid looking one who desperately wanted someone to talk to. I'm just thinking, I don't matter to him, that's why it's easier for me to not take care of the friendship by ignoring him, and having the last word whenever we talk.
 

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The one that stands out the most for me was with a girl that I had originally befriended in elementary school then lost contact with and met again in high school. For some reason back then I thought that meant something as far as friendships go, but while I dont know her type I enjoyed spending time with her because of her spontaneous and whimsical nature. Fast forward to after high school and I realize that I've developed feelings for this girl and I ask her out (In hindsight this was the downturn in the relationship) she promptly replies with "I'm not right for you." . So at the time I think nothing has changed and figure the friendship will continue as usual yet her whimsy turned into selfcentered and blatant disrespect. From then on she proceeded to constantly barrage me with comments about how I was her "best friend" or how I was "such a good friend" while inviting me to do things like see Max Payne at the theatre (of course I was right on time) then standing me up, or outright ditching me while we were drinking together at her house to hang out with someone else my drunken response to which was to trash her room which still makes me chuckle. After about a handfull of things like this I surprisingly enough still hadn't doorslamed her because of my stupid residual feelings for her. The last straw for me was after she got a new job working at some gym neither me nor our mutual friend could get a hold of her, but after a month she gives me a call from her work to give me her fucking pitch! and in the meantime throw in a few well placed insults about "doing something for myself instead of just talking" and as a footnote to all that decided i could also call her at her new cell not just her work number. At the end of that message i could almost hear the doorslam in my head. I had finally come to the conclusion that I was just a distraction for her and while she must have thought everything was fine because she kept leaving me messages after that about how she knew where i worked and lived and how she would stalk me if I didnt respond yet surprisingly enough she must have gotten the picture because i haven't heard from her since.
 

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Many of my pals and I grew apart as we developed our personalities, I will not speak of those.

Example:

Primary school. There were 3 of us girls hanging out together. Closest friends some would say. The two of them got into a fight, because the 2nd, a year older than us) didn't have time to go out, had to study hard when she started a demanding high school. The 1st one said many nasty thing about her, making fun of her body mostly (things that never bothered her before) and said how she would enjoy spilling acid in her face. THE END.

Internet pal. I criticized overly religious misogynist states because of how they treat women (as things)...African countries mostly for mutilation, rape and no education. He said I'm just being racist. THE END.
 

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I typically walk away from friendships when I realize they are trying to reform me into a clique. I never understood why and in a way I kind of wanted to be in one.
But every time it started to feel groupish I would leave them. I don't think I have any really good reasons, maybe it's that I don't want to be labeled with them only. I want to meet a lot of different people, In a way I feel if I am in a clique maybe I won't be able to talk to other people. It almost makes me feel suffocated..

I will have to really think about this one now.

add: it is deffinetly because I feel suffocated and want to associate with different people. It may seem like I just walk away from friendships to other people but that isn't the case. I don't want to be grounded to talking to the same people, I feel I will not grow as a person by doing this.

In high school I remember jumping from the mean girl group, cheerleaders, band group, to goths and emo.. I was viewed somewhat as a drifter. But I had always stayed myself no matter where I went. Maybe this was my way of learning the different dynamics of people and social groupings.. I will edit later..
 
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I've done this to most of my family members {besides a few}, as well as to plenty of other people that I've known or been involved with. And I stand FIRM on it! I tend to give everyone a fair warning if they're getting to that point with me, but when the final straw is pulled: I'm out and there's NO CHANGING MY MIND after that.

Good riddance.

I never knew this was so common among my fellow kind, lol. Very interesting.
 

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--- Nevermind, deleted my post. From reading elsewhere, I think I understand it better.
In conclusion: An INTJ can do this even if, or even especially if, they love and care for you deeply but know it is not going to go anywhere or is distracting them from their other life pursuits. //

God damnit I thought we could be friends. Is there a possibility, after, say, 6 months or a year when both have moved on sufficiently (say to other relationships), that they might be open to re-kindle a friendship?

Also, how likely is it that, say, in 6months or a year, an INTJ might be open to talk again about how stuff ended? This would mean so much to me----- I know that INTJs can think for a while about why it is that a relationship didn't work. Is there a chance that maybe they'd want to share conclusions later on after time has passed?
 
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